I cheated

[damagecontrol]

Well, I feel like king * * * * * * * today. Yesterday I got stupid drunk, and fooled around with a girl that I have been attracted to for a while. I have had a girlfriend for 3 and a half years though that I love deeply.

 

Of course you can expect me to say all the typical things. But it is true that I feel awful. It was a stupid stupid mistake that I regret and would take back in an instant. This was purely a physical thing, I have no romantic interest in the other girl. I put myself in a bad situation and realize I have to deal with this guilt.

 

I am not looking for a debate about wheter or not I tell my girlfriend. I will not be telling her. I'm sure some could make the argument that it is the right thing to do, but I will not be able to fess up. It is selfish, but I do not want the possibility that she leaves me over this. I am not a bad person, and am a good boyfriend aside from this. If I was in the position that I might do it again, then it would be another story. But I am truly remorseful.

 

What I would like to know is how I can learn from this and possibly make it a positive. I know cheating is not a good thing, but perhaps I can grow from it. If anyone has any suggestions or comments, please let me know.

[RayKay]

The best way to "grow from it" is to absolutely NEVER do it again. To do this you probably need to figure out WHY you did it - what caused you too, what situation were you in you did...and solve those issues and not put yourself in those situations again - or at least know how to remove yourself from them if you find them in them without cheating.

 

I personally think it is selfish to not tell her, so she can at least know what she is dealing with and make a decision, but since you are adamant you won't, you better at least LEARN from this and consider it a "last chance" of sorts.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

For one, you might want to stop drinking. That's a positive. If you can't control yourself when you drink, maybe it's time to stop.

 

Other than that, I don't know what to tell you. You already said you aren't going to tell your girlfriend. I think it's a bad idea to hide the truth, but it's really your call.

[BellaDonna]

Yesterday I got stupid drunk, and fooled around with a girl that I have been attracted to for a while.

 

Did you do anything with her that would put you (and consequently your GF) at risk to contract an STD?

 

If so, you definitely need to tell your GF. Otherwise her health is at risk by sleeping with you and not knowing.

 

 

BellaDonna

[damagecontrol]

Did you do anything with her that would put you (and consequently your GF) at risk to contract an STD?

 

If so, you definitely need to tell your GF. Otherwise her health is at risk by sleeping with you and not knowing.

 

 

BellaDonna

 

No. There was kissing and petting, but nothing that would put us at risk.

 

Guys I really feel awful. I know I deserve every second of the guilt I am feeling.

[Scout]

Hmmm, there's two schools of thought on whether one should own up or not to cheating.

 

If it's seriously a one-time incident, you are not typically inclined to cheat, and there is no way she could ever find out, and MOST IMPORTANTLY: if it won't constantly eat at you to tell her, then it's possible not telling is a viable course of action.

 

But most people can't live with that guilt, and it effects their relationship forever after. They're somewhat still happy, but there is always that nagging sense that they are a fraud.

 

And to make themselves feel better, they confess to everything. Which is technically, probably the moral/right thing to do, but it can result in the end of your relationship.

 

Cheating is not necessarily a solveable problem. It does do irreversible damage, whether you tell her or not. There's no way around the fact one of you is always going to feel, to some extent, damaged by this incident. In your case, it will be persistent feelings of guilt if you don't tell her. In her case, it will be shock, betrayal, and anger.

[Empathy]

I can tell you what I think and what my shrink once told me. What I think is that Lonelyinasmalltown is right. That you need to stop drinking if you can't control yourself. Been there, done that and I ALWAYS felt awful afterwards. I'm still trying to get over the things I've done while I was inebriated and it's pure hell. My shrink once told me that if cheating is done once you shouldn't tell the other person. At first I was thinking, " * * *?" Then he explained and I couldn't help but agree. By telling her that you made this one mistake you are only going to hurt her. I was cheated on and when I told my shrink about it he said usually the only reason someone tells an SO that they cheated is to hurt the other person. And when I looked back on it and evaluated the kind of person my ex was I realized he was right. My ex and I had a lot of problems before hand and I knew that he resented me. The only reason he told me was to hurt me. Take it from someone who has been told that they were cheated on. I wish he'd never told me. But it's also a darned if you do darned if you don't type situation. He not only fooled around, but had unprotected sex with the girl. It's because of that that I was glad he told me. If you didn't have sex with the girl, learn from your mistake and keep it to yourself. If you did have sex, you need to tell her.

[Scout]

No sex happened? Ok, I can only give my personal opinion here, but if I got drunk and made out with another guy, I'd feel crappy about it, but nowhere near to the extent of how guilty I'd feel if I had sex with him. I am 90% sure I would not tell my boyfriend, either. I'd just realize I almost made an irreversible mistake, and swear I'd never put myself in that position again.

[Empathy]

I think that living with the guilt is the perfect "punishment" for what you have done. I think it is more respectable to endure feeling like a fraud than it is to hurt your girlfriend just to ease the guilt that you feel. What I suggest you do is write your girlfriend a letter confessing all that you've done and how it's made you feel. Then tear it up or burn it. It will make you feel much better and spare your girlfriend the INTENSE pain she would feel if you told her.

[damagecontrol]

I agree that the fact no sex happened makes it easier to argue for not telling her. I think a lot of the guilt comes from knowing how it would make her feel if she found out. Sex or no sex I am sure she would be hurt. And obviously the last thing I want to do is hurt her. The girl knows I have a girlfriend, and I asked for her to keep it between us, so hopefully that holds. Next time I see her, I think I will reiterate that point. Obviously it is a selfish thing to ask, since I am in the wrong, but I think it needs to be done.

[BellaDonna]

The girl knows I have a girlfriend, and I asked for her to keep it between us, so hopefully that holds. Next time I see her, I think I will reiterate that point. Obviously it is a selfish thing to ask, since I am in the wrong, but I think it needs to be done.

 

I think you should try to avoid seeing this girl whenever possible. Avoid it at all costs.

 

Also, if you keep telling her not to talk about it- she'll know your weak spot. It also might make her angry, and you don't want that. If you act like it is a huge deal- then it will be a huge deal. She'll think she has some top secret valuable information to hold against you. The best you can do is NEVER cheat again, and put distance between yourself and the person you cheated with. If you do ever see the woman you cheated with-and she tries to come on to you again- you might want to express that what happened was a mistake, and that you came clean with your GF about it- so she won't try anything manipulative.

 

Your story to the woman you cheated with needs to be: It was a bad mistake, and a friendship gone wrong....but you made amends with your GF. Don't let the woman you cheated with think it's anything more than that.

 

BellaDonna

[damagecontrol]

You make some great points BellaDonna. I suppose I was wanting to avoid the wrong person finding out. Although the girl does not know my girlfriend, I wouldn't be surprised that they know some of the same people. Then again, it's not like she is going to go around telling just anyone.

[RayKay]

You make some great points BellaDonna. I suppose I was wanting to avoid the wrong person finding out. Although the girl does not know my girlfriend, I wouldn't be surprised that they know some of the same people. Then again, it's not like she is going to go around telling just anyone.

 

Or then again, she might.

 

It's not entirely unknown to happen, even if there is no really "reason" why they would. I know a few people whom found out about cheating partners through word of mouth and 'rumours' that went around.

[BellaDonna]

I'm sure between the guilt and lingering paranoia that your GF will find out....I don't think you'll do this again.

 

At least you did not sleep with her. You did have some standards. Making out is not acceptable....but it is more forgivable than sex or oral sex.

 

Hopefully this will be a learning experience to prevent this kind of thing from occurring again. If you feel such urges again- I think you HAVE to talk to your GF about it. The first time, it's a mistake, any other times after that- it's just total disregard for your partner.

 

 

BellaDonna

[theantibarbie23]

It will make you feel much better and spare your girlfriend the INTENSE pain she would feel if you told her.

 

It's not telling that causes the intense pain. You hurt her the second that he fooled around on her. Sure, you can choose the easy way out and spend the rest of your relationship selfishly trying to cover up what you've done but healthy relationships are not based on lies.

 

That is what you are turning your relationship into: a complete and utter lie. How she percieves you and the relationship is now a total fraud. You have robbed her of the choice to make her own decisions about her future because she no longer encompasses the ability to make these decisions based on reality.

 

To be honest, if she finds out, rather than have it come from you, it's going to be ten times more difficult to win her trust back because now she's not just confronted with your horrible behavior but will look back and see everything from the moment you cheated forward in the relationship as not being real. She won't just have to deal with you being a cheater but also a liar and a fake.

 

I really hope for your sake if you are planning on keeping this under wraps that the girl you did this with doesn't have a big mouth, or tell someone else who does. Things like this do have a way of getting out.

[Empathy]

Raykay is right. BellaDonna, your post was PERFECT until you said that he should tell the girl that he came clean to his girlfriend. This might be a stretch but what if the girl decided she felt guilty too and wanted to apologize to his girlfriend for what happened? It's been known to happen before.

[Empathy]

It's not telling that causes the intense pain. You hurt her the second that he fooled around on her. Sure, you can choose the easy way out and spend the rest of your relationship selfishly trying to cover up what you've done but healthy relationships are not based on lies.

I was giving advice based on my own experience. As being the one who was cheated on. I personally wish I never knew... In that case, for me, ignorance truly would have been bliss. It was only the fact that he engaged in unprotected sex that makes me glad he told me. At the time, it was the second most painful thing I've ever experienced next to the suicide of my brother. But it's also hard for me to disagree with you totally. You DO have a very valid point.

[HellFrost666]

Have you thought about what would happen if she found out from someone else?

 

Just a question...

[damagecontrol]

Have you thought about what would happen if she found out from someone else?

 

Just a question...

 

It is not a pleasant thought. But I will "roll the dice" so to speak. Worse case scenario, she finds out and I attempt to explain the reasons for not telling her. Take responsibility at that point, explain I made a mistake but that I stopped it before it led to sex. By telling her now, I run the risk of losing her and I will certainly strain the relationship. I know it is not enough to call it a stupid mistake, but in this case it was nothing more than that. A dumb mistake that I will learn from, struggle with but ultimately NEVER make again.

[yeawutever]

Ok, in this case not telling will do it. Since there was no sex, nothing that would put your g/f at risk of contacting STD's, if there's no way she can find out, and if it was just a once drunken mistake but nothing serious, then don't tell. Instead of relieving yourself from the guilt and pain, it'll be worst, you'll end up causing her pain. However, if this was your second pain doing this, then you would definitely need to tell her. But most important is I would suggest you either not to drink at all or control your drinking habits since you have no control when you get drunk. Important thing is learning from your mistakes, which is good. Well good luck, hope she doesn't find out.

[damagecontrol]

Thanks so much for everyone who has replied. This is a situation I wish I never put myself in, but one I must deal with. A few things have surfaced after dwelling on it for a little while.

 

1) As someone put it, it was a one time irreversable mistake. After 3 1/2 years of being faithful, I screwed up, but am sure I will not again. I am not in the "once a cheater always a cheater boat". I care for my girlfriend a great deal and am disgusted that I did this. Ultimately I am not a jerk, but I sure feel like one.

 

2) Telling her would relief some of the guilt. I don't want to tell her for the fear of her leaving me. Truthfully, I doubt she would though. But I do think it would create some tension. I know in my heart that this was a one time alcohol induced mistake. I hope to be able to move past the guilt, and learn from this. Telling her would only cause pain and potential problems. Again, this would be different if I had feelings for someone else, or made a habit of doing this.

 

3) This is an eye opening experience for me. I need to start changing certain parts of my life, my drinking habits being one area. I drink once or twice a week, but the problem is how much I drink. The term "binge drinking" comes to mind. It is not healthy and made me do something that could put one of the most important parts of life at jeopardy. It also leads to wasted time.

I am a 4th year student who will be going to law school next year. I consider myself to be mature for the most part, but excessive alcohol is counterproductive.

As corny as it may sound, this experience will also make me look harded at my moral makeup. This is out of character for me, but I can't deny that it happened. I should look towards things that reinforce my believes and avoid situations where I might act contrary than how I would like to.

 

4) A lot of my time has been spent thinking about how lucky I am to have my girlfriend and how wonderful she is. I suspect that is a natural reaction.

 

I would be interested to hear from others who have cheated or been in a similar situation. Thanks again for reading.

[Belinda]

I STRONGLY recommend you tell her. I know you said you wouldn't but hear me out.

My ex did a similar thing. But much worse. He has unprotected sex with a young girl when I had dated him for a month. He lied for a year saying he kissed her (because i caught them in each others arms). I found out the year later that she was most likely pregnant with his kid but had an abortion. You could imagine how shocked I was. FOr all I know, I could have gotten aids or something from her or him.

 

Anyway, I broke up with him, because he lied NOT because he cheated.

Then a year or so later I decided Id give it another shot with him, and found out during the courting stages, he was having sex with another girl. I told him I didnt care what he did as long as he was honest.

He hid it from me, and I asked the girl and she lied too. So I believed them both, until I found condoms in his room when I went to his house.

 

Now since I wasnt dating him, I would have been fine the second time ALSO, but the fatc he lied again sealed the deal. He said it wasnt lying, it was avoiding it. But just as bad as the other.

 

You may be like him and think shed never find out, but trust me - its going to come out eventually and the longer you lie about it... the worse the repercussions are going to be.

[yeawutever]

Woah, sorry to hear what your had to go through Belinda, I can't imagine a guy doing this to me, yuck, nothing worst than sharing your naked body in the digusting sheets with someone else you don't even care. And sorry to hear you even took him back for second shot, I bet that image of seeing him as a pure untouched guy was gone by then. Good thing he finally dump the loser, it's sad that there was a lot of time wasted in that nasty relationship. As for damagecontrol, what he did was NOTHING compare to what your ex did. He didn't put his g/f at risk, at least kissing is somewhat forgivable, way better than screwing someone up. I not advocating not telling your partner, but if it was just a one drunken kiss, and he for sure knows his limits and will not repeat the same mistake, then not telling will do fine. Telling can be much worst, imagine then all the hard work he would have to deal, for wut, a kiss, doesn't seem that much of a big deal.

[Dutchy]

Your cheated and decided not to tell her. You should be careful with these things. You would probably unconsciously act different. There will be a high chance that she is going to sense someting anyway. If you truly love your girlfriend and don't want to hurt her again, then you have to prove yourself worthy.

Stop your drinking and avoid other people you are attaracted to. Find some ways to deal with you guilt by buying a book or talk to someone. It is not fair to you girlfriend by not telling her, but it is your choice. I hope you can use my advice.

[NW Homey]

It looks to me like you are even lying to yourself here. You say you love your gf deeply but that you have been having feelings for this other girl for awhile. No such thing. I you really loved your gf you won't even be entertaining thoughts of another woman. It looks to me as if you don't want to tell you gf now so that if it should happen again it will apear to be a first. You didn't even respect your relationship this time. Being drunk is no excuse no matter where it led. If you where attracted to this girl you were already cheating on your gf. Why were you even somewhere where you would get drunk with this other girl around? Did you know she was going to be there? You may have come to your senses a bit after you started getting involved (which is good), but it indicates to me that maybe you weren't as drunk as you think you were or as drunk as you want us to think you were.