I want to trust him.. 100%!

[Blondy1055]

My boyfriend, Chris, and I have been together for two years and nine months. We are both young (20), but we've been living together for two years and are so in love.

I am VERY insecure, which makes me VERY jealous. Two things happened that caused my insecurity when I met him: 1. My mom and dad were going through a divorce after a 21 year marriage (if THEY couldn't work, how could anyone? you know?) I also later found out more than I really needed to know about my dad's infedelity during the entire marriage. 2. Chris and I met in high school, at age 17, so we were young! When I fell hard and fast for him, he didn't want to be tied down. I wouldn't say he cheated on me, but he did many things that completely brought down my self esteem.

The first year was rocky. We were both young and immature, and although I knew I wanted him, he didn't want me. He often would break up with me for his ex, and when he was done, he'd return. Ofcourse, naive and "puppy love" me, I was quick to accept him back. There were incidinces where he'd leave me at a party once he'd see an ex and I wouldn't see him for hours.

But once we hit a year and a half, he did a complete 160. He changed his number, didn't have girls calling him or vice versa. He went to the academy, and just last month began his career as a police officer. He has matured so much, and is so in love with me. It makes the rough times we went through seem worth it.

One problem, though: I am STILL insecure and jealous, controlling, etc. Though he has proved himself worthy of my trust, it seems as though I can't let go of the past. He's now a cop; he's going to be around women all of the time. I have to accept this. I have to trust him. I know deep down that he'd never do anything. But my issue lies with girls: I don't trust them. They seem so evil to me, because I've had so many try to get with him throughout our relationship.

My medical insurance begins in a month, and I plan on going to a therapist. But I can't put him through this anymore. I can't be so worrysome, it's tearing us apart! He loves me, he understands why I'm jealous, and he wants to help me work through this. But I don't know how, or where to start! Any advice? Any good self help books? Thanks!

[secret_agent_man]

I'll quote my favorite, George Carlin: "What is self help? If you help yourself, then you didn't need help! Reading a book isn't SELF help, it's HELP!"

 

Sorry, I don't mean to laugh, but It's a great line. There's nothing wrong with reading them, so don't take me the wrong way.

 

I think your situation is definitely going to be okay if things continue the way they look like they will. You already are aware of your insecurities, and are willing to seek professional help. That is a VERY important playing card right now. The fact that he understands and is willing to help says quite a bit about the maturity that you mentioned. He knows he hurt you in the past, and wants to be redeemed, not just leave.

 

Right now, you two have the power to make this work, and being open and honest is the only way to put that in to play. Be there for him, as you want him to be there for you. Get the help you need from the professionals, they can definitely help.

 

Remember this, the only way to move on to the future is to let go of the past. You never have to forget, just learn. It seems as though he has learned, so it's time for you to let go of it. It's hard, but it has to be done.

 

Another note, please for both of you, if you truly get past these things, don't bring them up in the future. Bringing things like these up is like a stab in the heart.

In other words, don't pretend you are past them if you really are not, you're only fooling yourself...

 

Good luck, don't give up!

 

S.A.M.

[Genesis]

The way he acted in the beginning of your relationship was uncalled for. I think this is why you do not trust him. This relationship causes you a lot of stress. I felt the same thing with my ex.

 

The only thing I can tell you is to read your self help books. If he wants to cheat on you and leave you he will, there is nothing you can do to stop him. Try not to place so much of your self esteem into your relationship. I think that if you found other things to do, you would do yourself and your boyfriend a favor.

 

Judging by his past behavior, he seems like he wants to play the field. Girls will try to steal your man, but it also his choice to respond to their advances. If he is not strong enough to resist temptation, then maybe you should reconsider a relationship with him. Men like that are fickle and if you marry him he may leave you with 10 kids.

 

If he is doing nothing wrong now,you should not worry about him, but for the most part when people are really insecure, sometimes their may be a valid reason for it. This is your gut telling you that something is wrong.

 

Give him a chance to prove himself to you, keep your insecure thoughts to yourself if you stress him out to much he will want to leave you.

[sabena]

hello, I know exactly how you feel right now because I am going through something similar and please don't let it get to what I am going through, we're me and my b/f are nearly splitting up because of my insecurities, possessiveness, jealousy and my distrust for the girls that he knows..

 

I bought a book by Paul Hauck (amazon) called overcoming jealousy and possessiveness and it is soooooo helpful and I am beginning to change the way I think but it is a hard long process and I don't know if my b/f will be there for me because it's gone so wrong.

 

As well as this book he does one called overcoming worry and fear, because I get anxious all the time and hopefully the two together will help.

 

I have also contacted a counsellor and suggest that you do the same because sometimes talking with a stranger can allow you to see a different light on things.

 

let me know how you get on, and we can support eachother!

[netman]

Hey Blondy, getting over jealousy and insecurity is not easy and it's sometimes a day to day work in progress. You're definitely on the way to getting better if you're acknowledging that you have a problem and you're seeking help.

 

One selp-help book that I'm sure would help you tremendously is "Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness" by Paul A. Hauck Read my post below for my feedback on the book. Good luck!!!

 

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