Am I wrong, or is he playing games?

[designer71]

Hi everyone, I appreciate your advice on this since I am so confused and don't know what to think.

 

I have had this on and off again relationship for 2 years. We broke up a few months ago. We have had NC for a little over a month. He did the breaking up with me, so I asked for NC. I was doing fine until he e-mailed me last thurs nite with his new address & phone #. I e-mailed him back (I know I shouldn't have) and thanked him for the info and told him I hoped he was doing well. Well, one thing led to another, and we e-mailed back and forth until Friday night when he invited me to his house. We of course had sex (I knew it was going to go there) and then went out to dinner and to the beach. He told me he loved me, he says he always has, and asked me to have his children someday. I told him that if things could stay good between us, that we could get married.

 

After spending most of the weekend together with no problems, we were talking on the phone Monday night and we were talking about another couple we know, and the subject came up that he didn't consider us "officially" back together. I was so hurt, I had instant tears in my eyes and got choked up. I simply said "Oh, I thought we were". And he said he thought we weren't "official" yet because he says that I said that we weren't yet because we had some stuff to work through. I didn't say that. I said that we do have some work to do on our relationship, but I never said we weren't or couldn't be together.

 

I got off the phone rather quickly after that as I could see a huge fight brewing. I told him simply that I was too tired to talk about it right then, that we would talk about it another time. I started watching TV and an hour went by and he called and I didn't pick up. He left this long message about how he is right, blah, blah, blah. I didn't call him back and I didn't call or e-mail him all day yesterday. He called me last night and tried to act like all was well and didn't bring it up at all, so I politely ended the phone call. I feel entitled to an apology. I am so hurt and feel mislead. What are anyone's thoughts? I need to decide how I want to communicate with him regarding this mess.

[WTHUWY]

He does owe you an apology. And though I admire your ability to ignore his phone calls and keep it short, it needs to be addressed. My ex would try the same thing, acting like nothing ever happened. But it would be eating me up inside and I'd become bitter and angry with him. The 2 of you need to talk about it, in person. Let him know that you are hurt. He needs to give you an honest answer about where the 2 of you are headed. And if he won't, let him go.

[Relationship Coach]

designer71,

 

I'm so sorry you are hurting once again but NC was broken and this is an almost certain result, pain. You need to block his emails until you are completely over him and let yourself heal. This guy is playing with your emotions whether he is intending to or not. Sex is the worse thing you can do to open up the vulnerability vault of hope. You officially had sex but there are things to work on before you are officially back together? This is a self serving line of crap. He romanced you and got what he wanted, laid and knows you still want him and he can have you whenever he wants.

 

You need to go back to no contact and put yourself back together, do not get lured in to breaking NC with his baseless sound bites of getting back together. As long as he "thinks" he has control over you, he will attempt this selfish acts. Take control, cut him off and don't fool yourself, an apology from him means nothing. You deserve better, don't waste your life away waiting for him to change or get on the same page as you.

 

RC

[Scout]

My take is a little different. I honestly think it's just a matter of words/semantics here...maybe he honestly thought that's what you meant when you said you two still needed to work on some things. He's also calling you and trying to get you two to talk, and you're not opening up now because you're hurt.

 

By any chance, was communication ever one of your problems as a couple?

[Northman]

You missed the comfort, and I would wager he did as well. As far as your converstion with him, it seems out of place compared to him saying you weren't "official". I would say he's talking out of his * * * and you should send him off. You're obviously intelligent, but that doesn't make you immune from someone you care for.

[Bethany]

Say to him, " Did you honestly think that I would have had sex with you if I didn't think we were officially back together, how dare you, if you think I'm desperate enough to be used by you ,think again!!!?" Then go back to NC and let him well on your words.

[NJRon]

I'm with scout on this one.

 

I think the key is, if you have things you need to work on... knowing whether you can work on them while together. And, if you can, then be together and work on things.

 

One way or the other, it seems you need to come to closure. Not communicating is the opposite of what you should be doing.

[Relationship Coach]

I'm going to assume that this is the same guy that hooked up with the cyber chick who sent him naked pictures of herself. The guy isn't a saint and the problem isn't a lack of communication, it's a lack of desire to stay committed. You've always taken the blame for everything, including the break up. Be fair to yourself for once, this guy throws words and phrases around to get what he wants, when he wants it. This guy pulls your strings better than any puppeteer. If you want to risk more pain and forego the NC, I would strongly suggest refraining from having sex. Work on your problems, sex does not seem to fall into that category. Sex only adds confusion to this entire situation.

 

RC

[Scout]

I'm going to assume that this is the same guy that hooked up with the cyber chick who sent him naked pictures of herself. The guy isn't a saint and the problem isn't a lack of communication, it's a lack of desire to stay committed.

 

I went back over some of her previous threads and saw something about him exchanging emails with online gamers who were female, but must have missed this part. Oops. Yeah, if that's the case, then I agree with RC here. So, at this point, try not to confuse "closure" with "acceptance." Meaning, accept he's just not the right guy for you and try to sever the ties once and for all. Easier said than done, I know. You've got our support, hon.

[PocoDiablo]

Is it just me, or did anyone else see ...

 

Sent email...

She replied...

They hooked up...

They had sex...

 

You basically rewarded him for dumping you by sleeping with him. My take on it is that he's just using you for sex. Plain and simple. Bethany said it as well, and I agree with her 100%.

 

Say to him, " Did you honestly think that I would have had sex with you if I didn't think we were officially back together, how dare you, if you think I'm desperate enough to be used by you ,think again!!!?" Then go back to NC and let him dwell on your words.