I need to confront my mother.

[jaynerd]

Out of sheer frustration and anger, I am posting here to see what you think. I have a * * * *ty mother who continues to fail me. I guess I'll start with the present and work my way backwards.

 

Let me start off by saying that she is immature, sarcastic and cold. She is more likely to make a jab at me than give a compliment. Example: when we went out for my last birthday, I show up and she says (sarcastically), "Niiiice shoes." I have never been hugged or kissed. My first boyfriend was the first person that ever said, "I love you." I had never heard that before and needed to "learn" how to say that, reciprocate with affection, etc.

 

 

CHAPTER 1: Co-worker Trumps Daughter

I'm graduating from college in May, top of my class. Master's degree. I'm getting this special award, etc., and I've invited her to attend (we live in the same town, so travel is not an issue). She first said yes, then sent me an email yesterday saying, "May 6 is Helen's wedding, so I'll be there, instead." [Helen's not her real name] No "Sorry" included.

 

Who is Helen? Helen is her co-worker. Her co-worker's wedding is more important than her own daughter's graduation.

 

And why is Helen so important? Helen has become her 'other daughter.' They work together, but also hang out, go shopping, etc. Helen doesn't have a good relationship with her own mother, so this works out fine. In fact, my mom helped Helen pick out her wedding dress. My mom and Helen do lots of things together. Not too long ago, I stopped by my mom's house and Helen was there. This is normally what I would expect, but I wasn't expecting for Helen to be wearing my old clothes I left there to be donated to Goodwill. So she was basically dressed up as me, circa 1992. Creepy.

 

 

CHAPTER 2: Ex-husband Trumps Daughter

And so why don't I do all these things with my mom, like Helen does?

 

Last year I got divorced. It was a bitter, painful process. I married my high school sweetheart at 22, had two good years of marriage, and then three really bad ones (unemployed, drug/alcohol abuse). I tried everything, begged and pleaded with him to get help, but he wouldn't. I finally had enough of him and threw him out. He loafed around on friends' couches for a few weeks, then asked my mom if he could move in with her. She said yes, and proceeded to coach him through this "difficult time." He slept in my old bedroom. In the meantime, I was left to take care of things myself. I couldn't even go over there.

 

 

CHAPTER 3: Manipulator

My mom has never been a good role model to me. When I was a teenager, she dated a married guy (that she claims she didn't know about) and he stole money from her (thousands upon thousands for a series of failed businesses and outstanding debts). When I was 21, she manipulated me into giving him back his stuff after they broke up. When I was 16, she sent me to collect money from him that he owed.

 

CHAPTER 4: Saving Face

Things continue to get worse. I have a brother that's seven years older than me. He tried to kill himself when I was 13. He had moved out and things weren't going well, so he downed lots of pills and went crazy. He broke out all the windows in his car, trashed his apartment, and was bloody and tripping. She took me over to his apartment to help clean up his mess. He was still tripping out and she let him just 'ride it out.' She's a nurse and was embarrassed to take him into the emergency room, she didn't want to run into anyone. So she let him ride it out, and then we all went on about our lives, as if nothing had happened.

 

CHAPTER 5: The Beginning of the End

My parents were divorced when I was 11. My dad is/was (?) an alcoholic, spending all of his spare time in the bar. My mom used to drive me up to the bar and make me go in and find him, tug on his arm and ask him to come home. I was so little, I couldn't even see the top of the bar. Anyways, my dad was pretty much an unknown figure in my life. Whenever he was home, they were arguing, threatening each other, or my dad was tormenting my brother (teasing him, what a sissy, overpowering him, humiliating him, etc). I just steered clear of the whole thing. Finally they divorced and he moved to Florida. That's a whole 'nother post. I see him about once a year. He comes up to "visit" us, but really he just has lunch with me once and then stays here for weeks, having an affair on wife #2 with some other lady. This I don't quite 'get.'

 

A little more background on dad: he was really mean to my brother. He would pick on him and humilate him all the time. Wanted to 'toughen him up' I guess. Here was the pecking order: Mom and Dad would scream at each other, Mom would disappear (locked herself up in her room, or go out shopping, etc), Dad would pick on Son and push him around, Dad would leave, Brother would beat up on Sister. I guess 'beat up' isn't the right words. It's more like: intimidate, punch, slap, humiliate, insult, choke, sodomize, molest. That was the only interaction I had with him. That went on for about five years. Until my dad moved out, or I reached puberty, whichever came first.

 

It was obvious something was wrong with me. I was highly sexualized as a kid, knew way too much for my age (no six year old should know what a blow job is). I had frequent UTI's. I had visible bruises from getting hit and choked. I had almost daily panic attacks. My parents ignored it. My dad wasn't there to see it and my mom would just say, "Stay away from your brother, then."

 

I told her what he did to me. When I was 14. She asked, "Are you sure?" I said yes and then that was it. A few days later, she came into my room to say, "I talked with your brother and he says your lying. You're just looking for attention." And that was the end of that.

 

I told her again when I was 19, away from home, in college. She snapped back at me, "Well, what do you want me to do about that now?!"

 

...

 

EPILOGUE: Now What?

I don't know what I'm looking for. I feel like she's failed me again and again as a mother. It hurts. A lot. I've always been the over-achiever. I drove myself to be successful in everything, maybe as an escape, maybe to show them that I am a good person, maybe to finally get the attention I need. I went to college on a music scholarship, I'm an accomplished pianist, studied in two countries, fluent in another language, I've been a successful teacher for almost 10 years now, finishing my M.A. with a 4.0 GPA, I'm screaming for her to finally notice me.

 

I feel a tremendous amount of loss. I feel like I need a role model in a mother. To help demonstrate what it is to be a good mother, if nothing else. And I don't have this.

 

I don't know what it feels like to feel loved. And I don't know how to love myself.

 

I am applying for new jobs out of state. I want to move away and never see them again. I am so bitter, but don't know how to confront her or what to say. She acts like everything is okay. I am ENRAGED and tired of doing this complicated waltz with my family.

 

Your advice?

[princessdi75]

No one will probably agree with what I have to say, but if I were you I wouldn't even be in contact with my family. I would just forget them all and live my life the way I want it. There are TONS of people out there that "don't have family" they do actually have family, they just don't speak to them, and it may not even be b/c of reasons as bad as yours. Why do you try soo much to get your mother's approval, or make her like you? I'll tell you, my mom isn't as bad as yours...but i can't stand my mom...she is soo bizarre, and a horrible role model. (she owes me $200 right now...) I don't like her as a person at all. I respect her because she's my mom, but she is very pathetic. I hardly talk to my mom, once a week at most, and it's better that way.

 

You need to make yourself happy. Just because they're family doesn't mean you owe them anything...they treated you horrible when you were growing up.

[Ash]

You said it in your post, you want to move out of state and not see them again. That's a valid feeling considering what has happened. You've lived your life, you are aware now of what was missing, what was wrong, how it should have been. You weren't given that and you realize it. Your family has not done what a family should do.

 

It's perfectly valid for you to do as you suggest. If you are uneasy with doing exactly that, then perhaps you could try it for a period of time. Give yourself a while, tell yourself at the end of that time frame you will reconsider based on how you then feel.

 

I think you'll find once you get out from under all that emotional stress you'll find that there is somebody to love you. It's quite likely your family situation is somehow keeping worthy people away.

 

You seem quite intelligent, you write well, your thoughts are organized. Keep that in mind when you start meeting people. It can be common in situations like your to want to firmly attach yourself to the first person who shows any interest in you and sometimes that can result in entering into another abusive relationship. Just so you know, make sure you keep sensible, which I'm sure you will.

 

I'm sort of assuming you want to put the past into the past, lock it up and leave it there as opposed to try to take any action on it. Perhaps just putting it all behind you is the way to go. With your education and drive you certainly have the tools to succeed on your own. So, move ahead on your own and don't worry about looking back to see the negatives you've left behind.

 

Even if you don't move out of state, at least put some distance between you and your family if that suits you.

 

A for a role model, you will likely find one, perhaps in an unlikely place. My partner has a mother role model as her mom passed away a few years ago. My partner's adopted mother is the mother of the baby sitter she had when she had her first two sons. The two families grew closer over the years. The baby sitter is like a sister to her, now with her own family, and they "share" mom in many ways. So, that part does work out.

 

Keep us posted if you want. Rant and rave to us about it to let your anger out. You may want to consider counselling if you feel you need another place to talk things out. They do help (if you haven't been to one in the past).

 

Best of luck, and go with your gut feel (as you told us about) on this one.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Honestly, After all these years, I would have to agree with princessdianna. Maybe what you need it to cut out your family out of your life. I mean you get your Masters with a perfect GPA your mother can't be bothered to come see her own daughter? She goes to a friends wedding instead. I'm sorry, but if that was me, I couldn't forgive her.

 

Maybe since your mother has already "replaced you" it might be best to let her live with her replacement.

[RandomAdvisor]

Your life story reminds me quite a bit of my own, only yours is a bit more extreme. I also had terrible parents, I did well in school despite having emotional problems and never got any attention for it....

 

In your story I see all the same frustrations I went through myself. You were abused and treated in ways no child should be, and your mother didn't protect you as she should have. You did well in school, but instead of praising you and telling you how great your achievements were, your mother ignored you. It all made you feel unappreciated, unloved, and worthless.

 

Towards the end of high school, I came to the realization that much of the self destructive behavior I exhibited was a cry for help/attention from my parents - neither of which was forth coming. I accepted my parents were never going to be parents to me, and stopped hoping for any sort of recognition from then. It wasn't easy, and as much as I've divorced myself emotionally from then I'd be a liar if I said there weren't times I wished I could get a pat on the back and be told "Good job" for doing the right thing. Despite that, I am always expecting to not be rewarded or praised by my parents. They never disappoint me.

 

You on the other hand, still continue to expect/hope for your mother to treat you with the praise and respect you deserve, despite the fact that she has consistently shown you she is incapable of that. You need to stop that. If you give up hope your mother will ever treat you with love (as I did years ago), then you wont have to be disappointed when she ignores you.

 

I'm also in complete agreement with princessdiana. #$%^ your mother. $%^& her. You don't need someone like that in your life, even if they are your mother. Begin removing yourself from her life, and when you get a chance just pack up your bags and go. Move far away to get a new job, and don't give her your new address or phone number. If you think it might make you feel any better, maybe you can let her know beforehand what a terrible parent she's been, and that you never want to see or speak to her again. Or alternatively, don't say anything and just leave. It'll probably be a long time before she even notices you're gone.

 

Perhaps years from now the decision will come down to you, and you can make sure she gets into the worst old folks home money can buy. It's all she deserves.

[Mavh25]

Alot of people have been through similar experiences. You have to know it is OK to hate your mother. I am sorry, seems harsh but it really is.

I know your seeking approval, i bet its scary the thought of her dieing without you hearing atleast once that you did matter, and she loved you, the idea that she may not must be heartwrenching.

But look at you? not so many people can say they have achieved what you have, im not saying your mum should be given a medal, by no means.

But the person you are today boils down to you being pushed, and prodded, and hurt in undescribable ways.

The hurt wont ever leave, wether you hear sorry or not, who knows why your mother does this? but what is it realistically you are looking for from her? will it make everything go away if she says sorry? i love you? or anything?

Will it change things better? because it sounds to be you are someone to be idolised, you are someone who should be proud of what you have basically survived, endured and taken on.

I wonder if you have children of your own? my mother went through a toguh time such as yours, and not a day goes by that i dont believe she is the bravest woman alive.

My opinion is to write down exactly what you feel how you feel why, what happened, who did it, exact phrases that have been haunting you, daunting you.

But you need to end it all by saying............... i didnt do so bad huh?

[shes2smart]

My advice?

 

Cut the toxicity out of your life. That means cutting off any more contact with your mother.

 

Second, find a good therapist so you can work through your anger and disappointment over your childhood & dysfunctional relationship with your mother and learn how to love yourself.

 

Third, structure your life in a way that it is filled with supportive and loving friends and make them your "family by chioce."

 

I ceased contact with my parents about 7 years ago. My mother was always a little nuts, but she went way over the line back then, accusing me of breaking into their house and stealing things from her to support my Satanic cult. She went so far as to attempt to have me arrested for the break-in and theft. Seriously. She believed what she was saying was the God's honest truth.

 

Long story short, the three things I advised above are things I have done myself over the last 7 years. My life is much better place to be without my parents in it. I don't hate them, and I harbor no ill will. However, I refuse to allow people to treat me badly. Those who have treated me badly (repeatedly) and show no remorse or change in behavior are not allowed to be in my life anymore. A healthy, self-respecting individual does not allow themselves to be treated shabbily. And these days, I choose to be a healthy, self-respecting individual.

[jaynerd]

Thanks for your advice. You all have given me some hope, although I'm still sad and it's constantly on my mind. I need to sit down and write a letter, a letter that is years in the making and has been too painful to write.

 

I need to add that I'm not going to babysit her crappy dog while she's at her friend's wedding, either.

 

In the meantime, I've sent out my resume to jobs at least 2000 miles away. I hope to find something, as I'm getting laid off at the end of the school year. I have the chance of getting recalled back into the job, but it's pretty miserable there.

 

--Julie

[RandomAdvisor]

A small word of caution.

 

If you want to do this to let her know how you feel for you, then go right ahead. Go nuts. Just remember, no matter what you say, how much evidence/examples you give her of her complete lack of love for you as a mother, she is not going to admit guilt to you for anything.

 

 

I encountered this on a smaller scale with my mother personally. Many years ago I was taken out of my home and placed in a group home, for processing to ultimately be placed in foster care. Why? It's a long story. The short version is my mother is an idiot, and completely failed in her duty as a mother to protect me. My father got me out in the end. Years later it somehow came up in conversation that I don't love/respect my mother. She asked me how I couldn't because, well, you know? She's my mother. I'm supposed to. So I reminded her of the story about how she was going to abandon me to the social system when the least bit of effort on her part could have gotten me out, and how I had to spend the night in a group home because of her. Her response? (With baffled look on face) "That was just one night."

 

If you receive any response from your mother, she's going to attack you. She's going to tell you what a great mother she is (she probably sees your academic success as proof of her motherly success), and what a good for nothing ungrateful daughter you are. If deep down inside you're hoping your mother will repent and apologize for her past behavior, I'd advise you not to give her the letter or confront her. For me, it took many many times of pointing out my mother's lack of love and incompetence to her to realize she was never going to change or give me a real apology no matter how wrong she was. There have been other times where I basically said "*&^% you * * * * *!" without caring how she responded because just saying it made me feel good.

[shes2smart]

Yes, some_guy has an excellent point above.

 

Before you send that letter, you need to figure out what you are expecting in the way of a response. If you're expecting remorse, an apology, a change in behavior/attitude on her part, you're very likely to be disappointed yet again.

 

By all means, write the letter --- but ONLY for your own benefit and healing. After it's written you can tear it up, burn it and toss the ashes in the wind as a personal ritual. On the whole, that will probably be far more healing for you than confronting her. Confronting her -- particularly if she is not ready to be accountable for her actions (and it doesn't sound like she's ready) -- will only end up with you getting more hurt, angry & disappointed in her.

[jaynerd]

Thanks for the follow-up. I really just want OUT of the relationship. No more forced smiles and fake holidays.

 

I'm also afraid of how she's going to react, though. I feel like I'm teetering on a cliff and don't know if I have wings.

[jaynerd]

Well, here's draft #1 of the letter. I only have one shot at it, so I need to say everything that I need to say. It's by no means finished.

...

 

 

I need you write you this letter that is a lifetime in its making and has been too painful to write. However, I need peace of mind and self-respect. I can't grit my teeth and force myself to go through this stupid dance anymore.

 

Let me start off by saying how disappointed I am in you that you chose to go to a coworker's wedding over your daughter's graduation. I'm graduating with a master's degree at the top of my class, 4.0, but I guess that's irrelevant to you. You might not think it's important to show me some respect here, but I do.

 

But at this point in my life, I'm no longer surprised. You have continually betrayed and disrespected me throughout my life. Most recently, taking in my ex-husband to live with you demonstrated such little support for me. I already felt isolated and alone, and then I couldn't even go over there or really talk to you, since you had taken [ex] under your wing to coach him through this "tough time." It demonstrated that you were not aligned with me, and showed that you would support a person that treated me so poorly.

 

But of course you would support a person that treated me so poorly. Look at my relationship with [brother]. Growing up, I was beaten, choked, humiliated, sodomized and molested by him. Either you chose not to see it, or you're in complete and utter denial. No six year old should know what sex is (do you remember how I announced one morning at breakfast how I wanted to have sex? I bet you Gramma remembers that), nor should any child have recurrent UTI's, or panic attacks, for that matter. Even things that were obvious, such as him holding me down and choking me, or beating up on me, you turned around and blamed me. "Leave your brother alone," you would say. He got off the hook for slamming me so hard in the laundry room door, it split the wood doorframe and knocked it off its hinges. [bro] would hold me down and choke me. I somehow "came to" outside in the gravel one day. I have no idea how I got there, but I do remember being choked until I blacked out. He was mad about being humiliated as a kid by [dad], and you let it happen. He took out his anger on me. You failed to protect your children. When you bring up the fact that I was a terror at 12, I have to keep myself from screaming at how I learned how to give blowjobs at 5 years old. How I used to be called a deformed pig, because I didn't look like the women in his spank mags. Did you know I used to cut myself, just to keep that silence and reduce the pain? I cut myself where you wouldn't see it, because I didn't want you to make fun of me or blame me. I had already felt enough humiliation. Remember how I begged you for a clear shower curtain? It was because I didn't want [bro] sneaking in anymore. I was afraid. And I was afraid to say anything more, because your response was always to tell ME to keep away from HIM, rather than the other way around. And before you blame me, you can NEVER blame a child for this. NEVER. It took me about two years of intensive, twice a week therapy to just get that point in my head. To a little kid, it messes with their minds. It makes them think that they really DO want it.

 

So who's to blame? [bro], you, [dad]. But you failed me as a mother. And you are the one reading this letter. You are the one that is responsible for your share of the blame. You were the one I came out to, and you were the one that shoved it back inside of me. Remember when I was 14? I told you what [bro] had done to me, and your one response was, "Are you sure?" Then nothing more was spoken until you told me that you had confronted [bro] and he denied it. Then again, nothing. Well, maybe you didn't know what to do, but you were the parent, the one in charge, and you should've done something. You certainly never took charge. Instead your silence reinforced the message that it was my fault, that I am my own dirty secret, and utterly worthless. I brought it up again when I was 19, but your one response was, "What am I supposed to do about that now?!" This made me feel, again, worthless. And how dare you warn me to keep it from Gramma and Papa? You shifted the blame and burden onto me, rather than on your miserably sick son or your miserable parenting. You had so many opportunities to support me, to comfort me, to help me feel whole. Instead your silence entombed me in a hell that lasted for years and years after the abuse ended. I suffer from PTSD that will never go away. My history is dark and fractured and a part of me is dead. There is a dead little girl inside of me, and I will have to drag her around until the day I die. You will never understand this. Your actions (or lack thereof) disgust me. Your lack of support, let alone acknowledgement of the pain I went through makes me lose all respect for you.

 

You did the same thing to me when I was attacked in that science museum on some stupid field trip to Lansing in sixth grade. You made spaghetti that night and never spoke of it again. No, you did speak of it again. When you complained that you spent so much money on this outfit that I didn't want to wear anymore. The outfit I was attacked in. However, it was okay for you to get rid of the outfit that you were wearing when you dislocated your elbow. Remember how you screamed at me and told me to * * * * off in the emergency room? I remember that. I was 15.

 

That bedroom is a testament of my strength. Look at the handprints [on the ceiling - I painted the ceiling when I was 14]. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was claiming that room as mine. I was making that space safe. That's why it ended up bright pink. I can't explain it otherwise. I didn't realize at the time how much joy stripping that wallpaper and ripping out that carpet brought to me. I hope every time you see this you are reminded of the legacy of incest in that home. Every time I go over there, I am reminded of it, too.

 

Now that I work with kids, I see who they are developmentally. The older I get, the less forgiving I am of you. Part of my horrible history makes me forget what it was like to be a child. Part of it, is because I never had the opportunity. Anyways, most of my memories are distorted in that I see myself as a short adult. I harbored guilt for my history for years. Your silence fed this guilt. But now I see what kids are like, and what I was like, and who I was, and how you treated me. And I can't forgive that.

 

Nowhere in my mind is any loving memories of you. Just cold indifference. I needed to learn how to say, "I love you," when I was 16, because I had never heard it before. Ever. I was afraid of those words. I was afraid of human contact. You nurtured that.

 

You are a cold, uncaring, * * * * *. You should have never had children.

 

And now that I am an adult, and free of my toxic marriage, I feel like I have free will. I can choose who I want to surround myself with. I'm collecting my diploma on May 6. I am a strong, talented, articulate, capable young woman. Stronger and smarter than you will ever be. This family destroyed me, but I made it. No thanks to you.

 

This is the last contact I anticipate having with you. I have no respect for you whatsoever. I have no desire to have any relationship with you. I know daughters aren't supposed to feel this way, but you have no one to blame but yourself.

[RandomAdvisor]

I'm also afraid of how she's going to react, though. I feel like I'm teetering on a cliff and don't know if I have wings.

 

Then I would advise you to write the letter, but hold on to it. When you get your new job in a different city and are all moved out, make it your last order of business to drop the letter in a mailbox. Aside from actually reading the letter itself, nothing will upset your mother more than not being able to respond to it.

[Mrocza]

I totally agree with someguy.

 

Honestly, reading that letter just proves to me what an amazing strong person you are to have survived that. I honestly admire you- you'll be strong. you are strong. Regardless of all the horror in your past, you've always had those wings. They were clipped at an early age and you were hidden away from the wind but you're so strong and determined, you and I both know you can do it.

 

You truley inspire me. Thank you for sharing that.

[sonjam]

A word of caution. In your letter, always use "I" sentences. Don't write this letter as an attack. Let's think. What is it you want to acchieve with this letter? Do you want to shock her into caring for you after all these years, do you want to let her know how you feel, do you want to explain and say goodbye? Lets get the objective right. THEN you write.

 

But when you do, tell her how what happened and how it made YOU feel. What YOU are going through, and what YOU plan to do. Don't send her messages about everything you though SHE should have done or didn't do.

[sonjam]

And then girl, I know you are successfull and grown up, but you still carry the guilt and hate around, I can feel it in you. Start venting it, accepting it, forgiving yourself, and only then will you be able to let healthy, caring people into your life, and think you deserve it!

[AwdreeHpburn]

Using "I" statements is a must.

 

Its very unfortunate that we spend so little time with our parents, in the grand scheme of things I mean.

 

I'm almost 34, I moved out when I was 17. I've lived away from my mother just as long as I lived with her yet I've spent the last 17 years undoing every thing she did.

 

We can't pick who are biological family is but its a good job we don't have to be their friends, isn't it?

 

If sending that letter will bring you therapy, then gofer it. Otherwise use the writing of the letter as the therapy, spare yourself the continued lack of understanding on your mum's part.

[fishrrshortae]

Jaynerd -

This will seem random but I assure you it has a point. I have a dear friend that sounds almost EXACTLY like you. Suffered the same things -- even beating at the hands of her brother -- and an absent/indifferent mother. Just like (I think?) you are trying to do, she is no longer in contact with her mother, after writing her a letter much like yours (she showed it to me, it's scary how identical it is to yours...)

 

She has not seen her mother now for 3 years. They haven't spoken once in any way, shape or form during this time. She has never been happier. She was at first afraid she wouldn't be able to do NC, but it has worked out.

 

I called her when I read your letter to talk to her about what you are going through right now. According to my friend, a HUGE part of what helped her heal was.. believe it or not, volunteering. I don't think she even realized it, but she (maybe not so) randomly took a volunteer position in a nursing home. She grew very close to several of the people there, older people who never see their kids or even get much contact with people any more. Maybe she did it because she needed a connection with someone motherly? I'm not sure exactly ... but she said that being an "adoptive" daughter to someone and really making a difference in their lives -- you know, being loved in return -- made her life so much more fulfilling than she ever thought possible. She now has a 1 year old daughter herself, she is happily married, and although her mother was not at her wedding nor at the birth of her child, she had many others there who care dearly for her.

 

Maybe this is something you can try if you ever have time.. Just doing something for yourself to feel good inside, whatever that may be.

 

Sorry this was so long... best of luck to you.

P.S. congrats on graduating with your master's... you rock!!

[jaynerd]

You know, I think that's why I ended up in teaching. I wanted to "make a difference." But getting connected with older folks might be a good opportunity for ME. Thanks for the idea (and wow, I never imagined there is someone with a similar story...it feels good to know I'm not the Only One). I've always liked older people, and they seem to like me, too. I used to volunteer and play the piano at a nursing home (way back in high school). I should get back into that this summer (gotta finish the thesis first).

 

I didn't mention before, but I do have a very good relationship with my grandmother. She doesn't know The Truth, however. I'm too afraid to tell her. I know she would still be supportive of my mother, so I think it would just end up hurting me.

 

In fact, I was talking to Gramma yesterday, talking a bit about my mother's intrusiveness/selfishness. My gram understands somewhat, though. She lives around the corner from me (my choice to move closer to her). She's 86, had a quad bypass four years ago, and she's still doing great. Today I came home to find a loaf of bread and a pound of salami in the kitchen. Sweetheart. Love is expressed through cured meats.

 

I haven't talked to my mom since this thread started (a few weeks?), ignored her stupid forwarded emails (horoscope, interesting news tidbits, etc etc etc), and anyways, my mom just SHOWED UP at my house on Sunday afternoon. She stayed for twenty minutes. I think she just came over to take a $hit or something. Here's the play-by-play action:

1) She walked right in

2) Opened up my fridge

3) Commented on my leftovers

4) Said, "I need to try out your new couch."

5) Sat on new couch, bounced up and down

6) Went to the bathroom and made a double flusher

7) Her phone rang, the dog was ready at the beauty parlour

8) She left

 

I haven't heard from her since.

 

Anyways, we are not in the habit of just 'stopping by.' Ever. I couldn't even look her in the eye, I was so pissed off and startled by her behavior. And I was really busy, finishing a research paper, I was still in my PJs. Totally not in the mood for guests, especially her. Should I tell her that it's inappropriate to just stop by? I don't even know what to say. She's so completely unaware of how rude she is.

[RandomAdvisor]

I think you should tolerate her random visits for now without saying anything, so long as they only happen once every couple of weeks. Humor her. And then when you are all packed and moving to your new place, you send her the letter...

[keenan]

Or you could go ahead and change your locks. But it might be easier to pretend to tolerate her for the time being until you can get far, far away.

 

Jaynerd, I came late to this thread, but I just wanted to say thanks for sharing all of this with us. I also had a horribly cold and unfeeling mother. From the time I was about 7 years old I knew that she was incapable of loving me (or anyone). I spend 10 years trying to make her love me, then 10 more trying to accept that she never would. When I was 27 she had an affair, left my dad, and then told him she only ever wanted him for his money. He killed himself. The week after he died, she hired a lawyer so that she could sue me for the small inheritance that my dad had left me. She kept me in legal hell for 4 years. The day the court battle ended was one of the happiest days of my life...not because I won (I did), but because I knew that I would never have to see her or talk to her again for the rest of my life.

 

Truly, I walked away from all that pain and never looked back.

 

Every day of my life I miss having a real mom, but I sure as he_ll don't miss that ice queen who gave birth to me.

 

So...thanks to everyone here for sharing their stories. I thought I was alone.

[justpaisley]

jaynerd -

 

I can't possibly add to the advice already given you because I think it's been absolutely fantastic, and dead on. I have never, ever, ever in my life agreed with those who insist that family can do anything "because they're family." That's utter nonsense. It's like hanging on to a vial of highly combustible poison just because you've had it so long. The people I've seen who have chosen to hold on to those toxic family ties have suffered continuously and just can't seem to understand why.

 

I have ended several toxic relationships in my life, with close family members and close friends. None of those stories are nearly as drastic as yours, but I assure you, there is no place in a happy and well-adjusted life for people that continue to hurt you. If you hold on to those relationships, what happens when (if) you have a child? How will your family treat that child?

 

I take that back, I do have some advice to give. Don't send that letter. Having written it was cathartic, but sending it will do no good and will just inspire a retaliatory response from your mother and quite possibly other members of your family should she decide to share that letter. If she hasn't repented of her actions yet, she won't do it because of a letter from you. She is right, right, right, and will not see what she's done wrong. I'm not saying it'll never happen, but it won't happen anytime soon.

 

You are, without a doubt, to be commended for all you've accomplished. Never think that your success in school is any less sweet because of your mother's attitude. If nothing else, heck, I'M proud of you for busting your can to achieve a Master's with a 4.0 and doing everything you can to better your life. I'd go to your graduation with an air horn if I could.

 

A therapist might be able to help you heal from everything you've gone through. Support groups, as well. Good luck to you, and best wishes in all you do.

[KweenofDenyl]

I too have come late to this post but want to throw my two cents in the ring.

First, I do not recommend giving her the letter. She will not suddenly develop the feelings you want her to have or the skills to be a mother.

Second, you might want to check into the laws in your state regarding responsibility for parents--in my state I will become legally and financially responsible for my parents when they can no longer care for themselves. I could be forced to pay the nursing home bills for the two people that failed me the most in my life!

Third, just how far are you wanting to move, because I'm the chairwoman of my school board and we have a few openings for this next year.....

[shes2smart]

Second, you might want to check into the laws in your state regarding responsibility for parents--in my state I will become legally and financially responsible for my parents when they can no longer care for themselves. I could be forced to pay the nursing home bills for the two people that failed me the most in my life!

 

Oh, holy crap. I never even thought of that little wrinkle. What state are you in? I'm going to have to check on the laws regarding that here, because I most certainly am not going there....geographically or financially.

[jaynerd]

We're in Michigan. If she becomes incapacitated, I'll let my brother handle it, or I'll find her nursing home in the ghetto.

 

As far as jobs go, I've applied in FL, CA, WA. I'm looking to work in a community college or adult ed teaching ESL...I've been teaching teenagers for almost ten years now, and I'm ready for a change of pace. I am certified in ESL, German and Music Ed. However, I would consider ESL high school, if I found the right place.

 

Thanks for your advice. I will put up with her for now, but then I'll have to just find a way to let her know that I'm not interested anymore. Maybe not such a strong letter like the draft I posted, but something for her to get it through her head.