Do guys have the same "code"?

[mystik]

Girls, in general, have this 'code' where you do NOT flirt, dance, date, WHATEVER their friends' exes. Do guys have this same rule?

 

I'm asking because last night I went to my school's bar/club. My ex was not there (It has been 4 weeks since the break up, and we agreed we would split the different nights we could go so that we didn't have to run each other..strange but it works).

 

Anyway, this is the first time I've actually gone since we broke up. I saw a couple of his friends there and a few of them kept trying to dance with me and my friends and I just found it really strange. Granted, they aren't his closest friends but they do live on his floor on campus and ARE friends. They certainly know me as his ex and even mentioned it last night. I thought one of them was attractive - I thought so when I first got introduced to him by my ex - but I kept my distance. I danced with him but it just felt too weird because of who he was and sent no signals that I would be interested in anything more than a couple of dances. I couldn't do that to my ex even though he hurt me so badly when he dumped me.

 

It's like following the code of "you don't date your friends' exes, or your exes friends" that my girlfriends and I like to follow. It keeps things a lot less dramatic.

 

I guess I'm wondering, guys and girls out there, do you have such a non-spoken code? Or does it not matter because he dumped me, so he wouldn't care? Does it matter who dumped who? Am I weird for feeling like this is probably a no-no way to go?

[Tesseract_Witch]

What sort of "code" is that to abide by? Unless your presense disturbs the peace between you all, I don't see the problem.

[mystik]

What sort of "code" is that to abide by? Unless your presense disturbs the peace between you all, I don't see the problem.

 

It usually does disturb the peace... If my girl friend started dating my ex I would not be happy. There are millions of other guys out there, there's no reason she has to date him. (Yes, I realize sometimes can't help what they feel and it all works out for everyone, but in general...) I also, would not be able to date one of my friend's ex's, I think it makes for some awkward times. Everyone's histories/baggage are a little close I think.

[Superfreak]

I'd say the usual "guy" thing to do if it's a close friends ex is to ask him for permission first. However if the guy was the one that was dumped by the girl usually it's a 100% no, don't even ask the guy if it's ok because it isn't. That's how I've understood it at least. There are one or two girls that I find attractive but would never consider asking out because they either dumped or rejected a close friend of mine so as far as I'm concerned they are off limits as my best friends are more important.

 

However if it was just a casual aquantinces ex, I don't think I'd be to concerned, it's only when it's a close friend that the whole idea of getting permission etc comes in to play.

[RayKay]

I definitely know a lot of guy friends whom do have this code....it is not even discussed really, you just don't. It gets discussed only when it is broken.

 

I would say it does not always apply...when you are a young teen everybody just dates everybody, and if you only went on a couple dates and that was it it's different too, and if you are not close friends, but more like "casual friends/acquaintances"....but if you had a deeper friendship, or the relationship was very serious and long term, and so forth it does come into play.

 

It's there because it's like rubbing salt in wounds, or because it can be very awkward. Sometimes a friend will say go ahead and date their ex (especially if they dumped the ex), then that's fine...but otherwise..naw.

 

I don't know - but these guys were only asking to dance, so I would not read too much into it!

[ratherbesailing]

If a guy dumps a girl you have to ask him before approaching the girl. If the girl dumped the guy she's off limits. If these guys aren't close friends they may not feel bound by the rules or they are jerks and don't care (in which case you might want to beware of them).

[Carnatic]

I think pretty much, guys don't go out with mate's exs, even if the ex was the one dumped. It's not just unwritten code to protect the mate, but it's also becuase it would feel a little weird to go out with a girl who you know as a former girlfriend of your mate.

[mystik]

I would say it does not always apply...when you are a young teen everybody just dates everybody, and if you only went on a couple dates and that was it it's different too, and if you are not close friends, but more like "casual friends/acquaintances"....but if you had a deeper friendship, or the relationship was very serious and long term, and so forth it does come into play.

 

Yeah we went out for a year, and it was very serious, that's why I'm confused. True, when you're in highschool, everybody just dates everybody (kind of funny now that I think about it)... but we're in university now, there are 60,000 other people in our school...it can't really still be the same?

 

However if the guy was the one that was dumped by the girl usually it's a 100% no, don't even ask the guy if it's ok because it isn't. That's how I've understood it at least. There are one or two girls that I find attractive but would never consider asking out because they either dumped or rejected a close friend of mine so as far as I'm concerned they are off limits as my best friends are more important.

 

That's what I figured... so since he dumped me, if that guy comes up to me again and I'm interested, it wouldn't be inappropriate of me to to respond? Hypothetically speaking that is...I don't know if I could, they live literally 6 doors down from each other on the same floor...but let's just say that is the case?

[mystik]

I don't know - but these guys were only asking to dance, so I would not read too much into it!

 

Yeah I know it was just a dance But if you went to our school, you'd see that everything always begins with "Just a dance" and by the end of the night everyone's making out with whoever they were just dancing with.. I don't know if that's what he wanted but knowing that's the way it usually goes, it just made me slightly uncomfortable, weirded out.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I would never date my friends' exes as a respect to them. But an exe's friends, why not? There not him, just because they know him doesn't make them off limits. I got dumped on by a guy whose close friends with most of the men I'd consider date material, I'm not giving them up because he was an *ss.

[NJRon]

If a guy dumps a girl you have to ask him before approaching the girl. If the girl dumped the guy she's off limits. If these guys aren't close friends they may not feel bound by the rules or they are jerks and don't care (in which case you might want to beware of them).

 

That's the unspoken code I've always known and my friends typically live by. Though, once in a while you get a skank friend that violates that code. They typically get ostracized for a while and then laughed at when they get dumped... and maybe, if they weren't too skanky, they can come back to the circle after buying numerous rounds of drinks and volunteering to be designated driver for a few months.

 

As far as dating exes friends? Don't know about that one... don't think there's any issues with it.

[Day_Walker]

The word "friend" is pretty broad in definition. I think of degrees of friends. For example you have the friends that you are close with and on the other end of the spectrum you have some that you may only see once and a while. I think there is a code but the further away in degree of friendship you are to that person the easier it makes it to date that person. Personally I wouldnt date any of my close friends exes cuz we all have different tastes and i would rather not do it. If i just met a person and was more of an acquaintance then it wouldnt bother me so much. This code is going to vary from person to person.

[Jonboy582]

Its a shame to see your situation. And many guuys do share that code. But hey my ex is going out with one of my old best mates. Iforgiven him but he still feels terrible bout climbing over me to get to her, and wasn't nice at all when it happened. And seeing that after 4 week isnt pretty

[Scotcha]

If the friend or the ex hasn't moved on don't even bother asking because it is just a cruel thing to do. Even if it is clear that there are no feelings involved any longer it is still only polite to ask. I think this is a general rule that is shared between friends regardless of gender and anyone who breaks it I wouldn't think to highly of.

 

I have two stories about this:

 

I'm dating one of my ex's close friends. We got together a couple of years after my ex and I broke up and my bf asked his permission first. I also made sure John was okay with it because we all are friends and do hang out.

 

Also, one of my friends met someone I had dated when I was 17 and she freaked out when they were talking about their past relationships and my name came up..(It's very uncommon so she knew it was me) She was so horrified and thought I would hate her. Of course I didn't care but she still came to me "confessed" and asked if I wanted her to stop seeing him.

 

I think it's weird that your ex's friends are dancing and flirting with you even if it was his decision to end the relationship. Honestly, I'd want to stay away from them for the simple reason that I would not consider them to be giving any real value to friendship. I would wonder if they took all their relationships so lightly.

[striderhiryu81]

I would have to say that every guy that I know abides by "the code" that you are referring to. Not to open up a can of worms but I know more girls that have broken this so called code moreso than guys. I was always under the impression that it wasn't as big of a deal for women to date a certain guy even after her friend has because women weren't as possesive as men can be in relationships. I suppose I am wrong about that.

 

Anyways, it is weird that your ex's friends were being forward with you. If I were in the ex's shoes I would confront them about it since that is simply a social faux pas. It's similar to a guy trying to date his friend's sister. If you knew the buddy before you knew his sister then the sister is off-limits. (Unless you meet her elsewhere and later on find out it is his sister...then it's okay) Same thing with a buddies ex-girlfriend. It is okay to still be friends with her but nothing more.

[mystik]

Anyways, it is weird that your ex's friends were being forward with you. If I were in the ex's shoes I would confront them about it since that is simply a social faux pas.

 

I just wonder if he has a right to, since he dumped me so that he could go and chase some other girl (his best girl friend before he even met me). Would he even care then?

 

Yes, girls have this code too. I knew everyone probably would agree that dating your friends' ex's is not usually accepted. I was just curious on what you all thought about dating your ex's friends if your ex dumped you. Seems like people's opinions are generally the same.

 

Yeah, I'm a bit wary of the friends who tried to dance with me or w/e. Maybe they aren't very close and are just floor mates...either way, I think it's best I avoid that situation altogether. Like I said, a uni with 60,000 other people...plenty of other fish

 

I got dumped on by a guy whose close friends with most of the men I'd consider date material, I'm not giving them up because he was an *ss.

 

Lol, I like that attitude too

[striderhiryu81]

I guess my first post didn't actually address your question then. Sorry about that. In the case that he dumped you to go after an ex of his then he wouldn't really have the right to confront them about it but they should still adhere to the rules of dating another's ex - dumper or dumped(dumpee?). I personally would feel strange flirting with my friend's ex even after he let her go. He ended it for a reason and for me to bring that part of his life back around would be unforgiveable in my book. Depends on how close the friends are of course.

[NJRon]

And how willing you are to give up a friend for the friend's ex... that's really what it comes down to in the end.

[mystik]

I guess my first post didn't actually address your question then. Sorry about that. In the case that he dumped you to go after an ex of his then he wouldn't really have the right to confront them about it but they should still adhere to the rules of dating another's ex - dumper or dumped(dumpee?). I personally would feel strange flirting with my friend's ex even after he let her go. He ended it for a reason and for me to bring that part of his life back around would be unforgiveable in my book. Depends on how close the friends are of course.

 

 

No worries. Sorry I should have made it clearer, he dumped me to chase a best friend who is a girl, not his ex girlfriend. But it's the same thing, he dumped me for someone else.

 

Yeah you're right, I would feel really weird myself doing such a thing, which is why I asked everyone else what that they thought. I guess how close of friends they are seems to be a big factor in this type of situation! Thanks for all your inputs*.

[becallamjr]

Generally most people carry the "code". But, it all comes down to situations. How long you have not been with him, if I was interested in dating one of my friends exes and they have not been together for a year, then I don't see a problem. I would say something to him first, to make sure it was cool with him, but even so I may still do it anyway. The "code" is dumb. If you have genuine feelings for someone and you two think something really special could blossom from it then the "code" is a bunch of bs.

[mystik]

If you have genuine feelings for someone and you two think something really special could blossom from it then the "code" is a bunch of bs.

 

 

duly noted. I agree, it really depends on how much of a connection you really feel, and if you really believe it's worth the 'trouble.' There are many factors involved than just 'the code.' I do think that the 'code' is important though, it's a matter of respect of the people involved's feelings.

 

Also, it has only been a couple of weeks since we broke up. In fact, that's the first time I'd seen any of them since the broke up, hence the "hm is this normal?"

[becallamjr]

Well your ex's friend may have been into you while you and your ex were going out. Just he couldn't say anything because you were going out. Since you guys are not going out anymore, he may think this as an opportunity.

[Markers]

again didn't read the whole thread so I'm just probably repeating stuff.. but I don't have any codes. I do what I want, if I really like someone, I'm not going to care if she was my friend's ex. However, I probably wouldn't start to like my friend's ex so......

[mystik]

I just talked to one of my guy friends and he said it's a free for all with him and his friends. He says that if him and his girlfriend ever broke up, he knows his best friend would jump at the opportunity.

 

I actually talked to my ex last night (broke NC - it was fine, everyone calm down ) and he said he heard how they all saw me there. We started talking about it and I asked him "dont you think it's strange how they were dancing with me?" and he said "no, they're great guys I wouldn't hold it against them." So there you go. I find it so strange because me and my girlfriends would never hold that view...but I suppose some people are different.