was it really sexual abuse? then why did she say it smiling?

[Nevermind335]

Here is my situation: My story is long because I am willing to let everything out from day 1 and I need help and advice! I am a 24 years old guy, will be 25 in couple of months.

About 5 years ago, I met a girl here in Toronto. I was 20 and she was 19. I really liked her then, I purely- truly liked her personality and a strange feeling took over me whenever I spoke to her, her smile always made me smile and she was very very unique to me. I never knew what she felt for me then as we were just being "good friends" and I was cool with it, perhaps, eventually it was going to come out of me and I would've told her about my feelings, unfortunately, as I was going with the flow I was too late, and few months later she told me that she has found a man, he was 26 at the time. She told me she loved him, she spoke about him a lot, and out of jealousy I neglected her out of my life, especially when I knew she was getting married to him and moving far away to Australia. Three years later an email shows up from her and it said "do you remember me? I am that girl and we used to be friends" and that "she had seen me in a dream which made her write that email" so I added her to my MSN and we started chatting. Indirectly, she sent me a picture of her and her husband and their new born baby. And I was thinking to myself that something weird is going on, especially for a married woman to send out a picture to an old male friend. I felt that she isn't happily married and to be honest I saw it all in her eyes from that first picture, she had a fake smile and her husband was standing next to her smiling. So after few days of chatting she let everything out, she told me she is having troubles with the man, nothing crazy, nothing physically abusive, its just that they don't click and not happily married., for instance, when she got pregnant she was left alone with a strong flue that she couldn't lift her head up high and he left her and slept over his parents house. This and many other facts that showed how miserable her marriage life is and also his parents were never proud of her as his wife... Etc. Then she started telling me about her "mystery man" who she is deeply in love with and he lives far far away from her. I started to get the feeling that she is implying to me. To make a long story brief, she opened up to me and said that I was that mystery man. She then wrote me the longest email ever and described in it everything she remembers about me from the moment we met. She said that when we knew each other in the past she never felt that I liked her more than a friend at the time and when that man came around he was the sweetest thing to her as he did romantic things for her such as buying flowers and bringing her boxes of chocolates. The moment they married she felt like she made a horrible mistake, but as she got pregnant very soon in the relationship she had to stay and kind of fight for the sake of everything else. Throughout her marriage life she thought about me all the time whenever she was happy or down and a lot of signs reminded her of me. When I was chatting to her, and we actually spoke on the phone too, that same feeling came back and took over me, I don't know what it is about her but she makes me smile so easily. I thought that she didn't deserve a husband like that, someone who took things for granted with her and its probably because they have a child together. I encouraged her to divorce him but it seemed near impossible because of other details and consequences in her life. She promised me that she will come to Canada a YEAR later to meet me and see how a "gentleman" I am. Anyhow, after a while I thought this was bull * * * * and that this is crazy. I neglected her out of my life again, but not totally, because this time the thought of her kept popping up in my head and I couldn't forget about all the things she said about me in that email. So I kept in contact with her to check how she is doing every now and then. About 9 months later, she told me that she is officially divorced and that she already bought a ticket to come to Canada in three months. I am writing about all this yet it is more complicated with more details and the truth is she went against the whole world to see me again, the truth is it took her a lot of courage to come back and see me and leave her daughter (whom she loves so much) for couple of weeks with her grandparents just to come and see me.

All this has taken me to another world... I started to fall for her even before she landed here... the moment I met her again I fell deeply in love with her smile again.. She's such a lovely and feminine creature and the word soft has a better meaning to me now that I felt her touch. After about one week, as we were talking about our pasts I realize a lot of things about her: she would talk about things she used to do in her teenage years without realizing that they actually bothers me and hurt me. Finally the typical question came up "so who did you loose your virginity to?" She kind of laughed and smiled and said "you won't believe it, my dad's friend, I slept with him twice and my dad doesn't know" she said it in a very neutral way. All the things she has mentioned to me in her past was nothing like the girl I imagined she would be, but it was too late as I fell for her love (I do love her for who she is now /present). The dad's friend story has shocked me, she was 15 and he was 28. The thought of it hurts me because this wasn't a typical mistake with a younger boyfriend. I come from a cultural background and my morals don't understand things like that. As I asked her more questions about it, she said she actually never knew that it was coming, she was paralyzed after he led her on to his apartment and used the trust she had in him. When he started touching her he was smiling all the time and told her that it was okay. As she saw my negative reaction to it, she said this wasn't rape, because she never refused it, she acted up and let it happen. But she insists that she never wanted it and that both times when it happened it made her feel sick. The second time, she also said she never saw it coming; and it was the very next week. so this man who deceived her parent's trust still call the family and talk to them though he is married now with a little kid. But she never talked about it to her parents, according to her; she learned how to keep it quiet as he told her not to tell anyone about it. According to her she learned how to bury it in her past and not to think about it. But my confusion with her is if she felt horrible the first time, then why allowing it to happen a second time? Are 15 year old girls that weak? I've seen 15 years old girls who are very loud and not dumb at all…and I can imagine them saying NO if they felt wrong and specially that at this age they become sexually aware of men. But I come to think about her situation, I guess the man used the trust, which is the power he had, and that is the sexual abuse part. I have gone through psychological issues in my mind ever since, but I never told her until she went back to Australia. Perhaps I committed the mistake of relating that mistake to her behaviors at the time; I even told her harshly that if she said the simplest no to that man maybe he would've stopped. The more she told me about it the more she hurts me, whether she wanted it or no... Either ways it hurts me because she was defiantly "used". She swore to me that the only reason she mentioned it to me is because she trusted and felt too close to me. However she has told her ex-husband and her first boyfriend about it, so why is it too special to be said to me? I am trying so hard not to think about it but for some reason I cannot face it in my mind that a girl so soft like her was "used" by an older man at 15. Now, I cannot look at teenage girls coming from high school, every time I see a teenage girl on TV I start thinking about her at that time and I get a sick feeling in my stomach. She once sent me pictures of her when she was younger around that age and I simply couldn't look at them and I deleted them. I even tried to leave her couple of times but its so hard because I know she loves me very much and I also love her very much. I tried explaining the situation for her but she never gets it in her head. I have pushed her to tell her parents about their so called "friend", and I have pushed her to take legal action against that man. The women's organization actually told her that it is not too late to take legal action and that it is normal for girls to talk about "years" after, and some girls never talk about it and they simply sleep on it. So now she is going to counseling, and she is going to make a police statement against him and her parents know. She actually thanked me and said that she learned to fight for justice and that she feels stronger now. But the confusion here is I don't know whether she is doing all this for me only, because no matter what, her excuse in the legal action is that she is 15, she knows exactly that whether this was with or without her consent, this will always be an illegal act.(as the police officer told her himself). My confusion is about her actions… did she know what was going on? Was she really confused? Is it possible that this thing has affected her life mentally and emotionally indirectly? As much as I love her now and I am willing to make that man pay the price even in person, I would like to believe her, but all those questions are haunting me, and she is only acting up to please me, I feel that the story is missing and It also hurts me deeply. I am even considering counseling now and I am seeking books to help me out with this situation. As for her.. she is happy being with me, she doesn't like to talk about it, and she never mentions it... and I don't want to mention it again, but she will never know how deeply this has affected me. My problem is a mixture of feelings that are hard to explain, for instance she only went for that statement and she decided to tell her parents after a lot of my pushing because I wanted to believe my own truth (I think) and now I am not totally happy because the fact is she never did it on her own even after she knew how much it upsets me, she didn't think of telling her parents or do something about it. If she was "afraid" enough not to say stop to that man, then it must be in her character. I like feminine women but I also like them to have high standards with a strong personality and she doesn't make me feel that and now that I am stuck with her love I also feel weak. If it was really an abuse then why did she mention it to me with a smile? And why does it hurt me more than her?? If it doesn't really affect her, then why is she taking legal action? I am confused big time.

Thank you for reading my story... and I apologize for any grammar mistakes. Any opinions would be appreciated.

[Tigris]

Her past is her past and no matter what you do it cannot be changed!

 

It sounds to me like you've pushed her that much that she doesn't want to lose you so she's doing what you want!

 

There's probably lots of reasons why she never told her parents, e.g. she had a crush on him and enjoyed the experience. That's one good reason for having a smile on her face when she told you. Another one could be she didn't want her parents to be angry with her.

 

Maybe he did lure her into it? Don't forget a man is a lot stronger than a girl so saying NO might not have stopped him.

 

It all depends what sort of 15 year old girl she was?

 

My advice is that it's you that needs help dealing with this problem. She seemed to have it all under control until she told you. It's possible now that she feels guilt because of your reaction? As I said before, her past is her past! It's the present and the future that belongs to you.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Süsser Tod]

Dude, just a word of advise before you lose her...

 

Learn to live with it. She is in peace with herself about this? If yes, then let it be.

 

Remember that all those experiences she went through on her life, made her the special person you love today. Maybe if that hadn't happened, you wouldn't be sitting in front of your computer typing how worried you are aobut the love of your life.

 

Accept her, accept the past, and let the past in the past. Let it die.

 

If she still has issues about this, support her, but dont' pressure her.

[ratherbesailing]

Never mind -

 

The older I get the more I realize that everyone is a little crazy and has baggage from the past that they would rather forget. My girlfriend did some things in the past that I don't like and I catch myself thinking about it every so often but I realize that she is a different person now and it isn't my place to be judging her or making her re-live the experience. I love her for what she is today and it is up to me to let it go. You should go to counseling to help you cope, but please back off and let her deal with this however she wants to.

 

What I would be more concerned about is the fact that much more recently she was contacting you while she was married to someone else. It is great that she followed through with the divorce before you two actually got together but, as unhappy as she was, she shouldn't have been declaring her love for you while still married. It sounds like she wanted to make sure she had the next guy lined up before she split. I'd be more concerned that she's not able to stand on her own and that she thinks it is okay to start developing a new relationship when she's married to someone else.

[yeawutever]

That's just the past and you have to be very supported to her. But yea, I do wonder if she didn't know what was gonna happened the first time she slept with him and enjoyed, then why not learn from that, why the need for a second time. But yea, we human being are the only living animal that can trip over the same rock twice!!! It was statuary rape, ok so he didn't rape her nor abuse her, she enjoy it, but it was illegal, she was underage. Think of it, wut if she would have say "No" and he refuse to listen, he could have force her into. At the same time I do think that somewhere age 14 and above you kinda do have a clear concept of wut ur doing, wut's gonna happen, unless ur parents never talk to you nor advise u, then ok u can fall for it, but 15?? Isn't it kinda late to be influence, brainwash at that age. From 4-12, ok u can be brainwash. 13, chances are still high (80%) but less, 14, I dunno maybe, but 15, ummmmm.

[NJRon]

It was in the past and she doesn't have any issue with it... so I'd drop it. She trusted you enough to let you know and then you start throwing it in her face. Highly uncool.

 

That said, I totally agree with ratherbesailing... The fact that she lined you up and then made a move is pretty bad. Where is her daughter now? Did she leave her with her grandparents in a different country still? Is she still with you? How do you know for sure that she is actually divorced?

[AwdreeHpburn]

There are way too many questions that come up for me.

 

May I share them?? Just somethings I would ask.

 

I'm wondering if, in the middle of an un-happy marriage, she maybe thought of someone who made her happy and obsessed about that person to help her through.

 

I think her story hurts you because you care about her and hate the thought of her being taken advantage of. BUT what I want to know is, do you trust her? She said she's ok with it and that she doesn't necessarily feel taken advantage of. What we (you or I) feel about this guy and the future of his daughter's teenage friends is irrelevant.

 

What is it EXACTLY that bothers you about this particular part of her life?

 

Are you looking for a way to make a relationship NOT happen because... maybe its a lot of pressure that she left a husband and child to see you??

 

I think more internal questions need to be asked.

 

And dude, be gentle or you really could scare her away.

 

If the situation when she was 15 made her feel bad and you keep bringing it up like it happened to you, you risk making her feel even worse. Don't make her feel bad dude. That's not cool. Be there to make her feel better. Be the guy she can depend on as someone to go to when she feels bad, not someone she goes to who makes her feel worse.

 

Good luck dude.

[ami]

Nevermind 335,

 

As a young lady who has been abused, I know that it is much easier to hide behind the happy mask than to face the truth.

 

I guess I just wanted to say that after someone experiences abuse, they can struggle with their emotions. They may laugh, cry, become depressed, search out a "new" life, or even hurt themselves. I used to blame myself because I was too friendly (I was 4, 6 and 13 when I was molested), because I was in the wrong family, and so on. Your friend needs your support...and you should just hold her in your arms and tell her that you're glad she trusted you enough to tell you about the painful past she has and let her know that you'll be there for her if she needs you...and if you will be there. It sounds like you guys are destined to be together. Good luck!

[erythrina]

Nevermind335, you said:

 

"If she was "afraid" enough not to say stop to that man, then it must be in her character. I like feminine women but I also like them to have high standards with a strong personality and she doesn't make me feel that and now that I am stuck with her love I also feel weak. If it was really an abuse then why did she mention it to me with a smile? And why does it hurt me more than her?? If it doesn't really affect her, then why is she taking legal action?"

 

My advice is this: if you really love her, then go get some counselling yourself. You sound really confused about this, and that's understandable. For your own records, yes, it was abuse. It was an abuse of trust between a teenage girl and an older man. She was a child. He was a man. It was sexual abuse. The statutory age for sexual relations is based on the ability for a person to make an informed, strong decision about their sexual activity.

 

Think about it this way: if you had a 15 year old daughter and found out that a 29 year old friend of yours had had sex with her, would you feel somehow that your friend had abused his position? Or would you judge her and say she had low standards? What if your friend told you it wasn't his fault, she just had low standards? You'd be furious!

 

Ultimately, this is the situation. 15 year old girls CAN be coerced into sexual activity very easily by being lied to, manipulated, pressured, guilted, forced. This is less likely to happen to a 25 year old woman. 15 year old girls are still CHILDREN. And yes, psychologically, it can hurt her very, very deeply. She needs your support.

 

You sound hurt and very confused, and I understand this is difficult. But there's something more important than your own ego right now.

 

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself, I'll tell you this: your responses are VITAL to her healing through this. Unless you get counselling yourself, you'll always be confused by this. It's tricky and difficult stuff.

 

But to be honest, you sound like you're blaming her for what happened to her. The truth is it was NOT her fault. If you blame her, you're going to hurt her further. If you use her abuse against her, or feel that she is somehow has low "standards" because she was abused, you're going to hurt her further. If you think that somehow this makes her less "feminine" and "soft", and that you're somehow "weak" because you're "stuck with her love", or that she would have said NO if it was "really" abuse, you're going to do her more damage through your attitude, and she'll be better off alone.

 

It takes a really strong, mature, dedicated and patient man to work through sexual abuse issues with a (heterosexual) woman. Get educated and get some counselling so you can really help her - or if you're not up to the task, let her know NOW and save her more wasted years. Please.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

 

E