I didn't think it would be so hard....

[RMGTaz]

I finally told my hubby of nearly 20 years that I just don't feel the same about him any more. I know I have broken his heart. And I still face having to tell the kids (14 and 12) that we are splitting up. How do you face every one who is going to think I am making a big mistake? Everyone thought our marriage was great....

[cky2006]

I am 22 .... and from what you just said ... in my opinion you guys should try some type of therapy... 20 years is a long time ... and for your kids at the age they're at they will go through alot .... this is what I think and feel ... Don't jump into something you might regret .... go to therapy or something get your feelings out .... try to fix it before you end it you never know....

 

Im taking it real hard on a 4 year relationship im going through now .... I couldn't imagine 20.... Good luck with everything and just think it through...

[coooolsome]

Yes I agree, you should try to make it work. What is it that makes you feel this way? Sometimes we do get comfortable and all we need is to act like a couple who just started going out again. 20 years is a long time and you should try to make it work, but you have to be open to making it work. My ex tried to make it work but she had it made up in her mind that she was going to leave so no matter what I did, it was useless.

[NR498E]

I just don't feel the same

This is just so sad and so immauture.What a retarted statement.

This is what every girl in there twenties says when they dump somebody.

I bet this guy was great husband and a great father and your taking it for granted mostly because your bored.I feel bad for this dude.

"I don't feel the same"Its been 20 yrs what do you expect?Good luck out there after the divorce.I've seen this happen with my uncles and my former boss.The woman never finds what there looking for.You need to stop thinking with your emotions and start thinking with your brain.

How retarted.(head shaking)It's becuase of threads like this I'm never getting married.

[Dako]

After all those years, I assume you take this seriously.

I'm dealing with a similar situation.

People will come out to you about how imperfect their "perfect" marriages are. Once you split, friends will confide things you never suspected. Lean on your friends and try not to believe you just damaged the universe.

Your feelings changed. It happens.

While you go through this period, this forum is a great tool when your current friends glaze over at hearing your problems. You have a lot to explore about yourself after 20 years. It's hard, but you'll find what you were longing for.

 

Yes, therapy is worth a shot before you pull the plug. I didn't bother because after 27 years, there was nothing a third party could do to make my wife love me. I just knew it.

[NR498E]

I don't wanna jack tihs thread but Dako I bet your wife said that exact same thing.

[Dako]

Pretty much, and since I know her so well.

We exchanged a few sentences before she left.

No pleading nor bargaining, I just said "okay."

I knew the score.

[becallamjr]

You only go around once, so life should be about your happiness. I'm sure you have thought about what you are feeling deeply. You need to figure out who you are and exactly what you want. As for your kids, that's a touchy subject. Your kid's will suffer for your actions, but as they get older they will understand. Good Luck.

[DN]

You only go around once, so life should be about your happiness. I'm sure you have thought about what you are feeling deeply. You need to figure out who you are and exactly what you want. As for your kids, that's a touchy subject. Your kid's will suffer for your actions, but as they get older they will understand. Good Luck.

 

Life is not just about your own happiness - it is about other people's as well. Especially people you have made commitments to and those who are entirely innocent but are affected adversely by the decisions we make.

 

And don't assume that kids will understand when they grow up - the devastation that can be caused to children by divorce can last a lifetime and is not necessarily easily forgiven.

 

Marriage should not be something tossed into the garbage because someone 'doesn't feel the same' without a major attempt to put things right. And very often the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. Especially when it means you can lose your children.

[RMGTaz]

For those of you with kind words, thank you. I am not some young thing looking for the easy way out. I KNOW it will be difficult for my kids. I did not come to this decision lightly. We have done the therapy route, more times than I can count. I am not just tossing it all away. Would it be better for my kids for me to stay and be miserable? I don't want to reach the point of resenting them or hating him.

 

And , btw andy stone, you don't know me, you don't know my situation, so stuff it.

[Dako]

RMGTaz

It's pretty obvious you don't take this lightly, after 20 years and two children. Please lean on the forum as you deal with this. It's helped me immensely.

[DN]

Making a decision to leave a marriage should not be taken lightly and it seems you have agonised over the decision and have thought through the consequences. Perhaps you could suggest family counselling at some point to get some advice about how to proceed with the divorce as amicably as possible so that the adverse impact on everyone, especially the kids, is lessened as much as possible.

[miticalzz]

I disagree that the kids will understand. My parents divorced when I was six. I had to deal with re-marriages step bros and sis and as I was only six when it happened I was quite confused kid. As I became older the divorce of parents became alot harder on me. I would say that I never understood the need for their divorce I just coudn't do anything about it.

 

before you make your decisions think about your kids. it might be alot worse than you ever anticipated.

[coooolsome]

Staying in the marriage and being miserable is not what you want. But what is it that is making you miserable? Children will be scarred for the rest of their lives. Nothing horrible but it will be with them. However, if you are miserable and constantly fight, then that will also not be good for them.

 

So what is it that makes you miserable? Dont say you just dont feel the same way, b/c that is an easy out. Something caused your feelings to change.

[RMGTaz]

I walk on egg shells all the time so that he doesn't get upset. Please don't think that he is abusive in anyway. He isn't. He has a temper, he gets upset and yells, slams doors. When I offer up my opinion and it disagrees with his, he will tell me I am wrong for feeling that way. Our sex life is hit and miss at best. It isn't that we fight all the time. We don't. But we simply don't connect. It sounds so trite when I say it that way, but living a lie isn't what I want. I have been trying to force feelings for him for a long time....

[Mrocza]

I understand your concerns with wanting to keep it together for your husband and your kids, and how everyone else is saying you're unfair and selfish, but you're not.

 

How are you going to benefit to them if you're going to be unhappy? How will you be able to fulfill your true potential as a mother and a person, if you're sacraficing your better judgment for others?

 

True, it may have a toll on your children and you husband may not have done anything wrong, but what did you do to have to stay in it. My parents divorced when I was young, and frankly, seeing my mom now, I know it was for the best. Initially I was very confused, especially when the step families started coming around, but it'll only get worse unless you change your life around.

 

You need to put yourself first too. Not that your family is any less important, but I'm sure to them your happiness is crucial too.

[dishrag]

Please read which tests the question "Does Divorce Make People Happy?" Only if you read the Executive Summary, the results are amazing. I hope that this has some impact on your decision.

 

Remember that there is a diamond underneath all the crud that has built up for all these years. You just can't see it now. It will take some work to get all that crud out of the way and polish the diamond. But, walking away from it is walking away from something very valuable. You just can't clean it up on your own. I would hope that you find a counsellor that can help both of you clean it up.

[dishrag]

RMGTaz - any update on your situation? I'm genuinely concerned because understanding you helps me understand my ex.

[whatif]

When my EX told me that she doesn't feel the same, I knew there was something wrong. Sure enough, I later discovered that she has been talking to another guy and been wanting to see the grass on the other side of the fence.

 

If you are not feeling the same because you have somebody else in your mind, please try to stay away from that person for a period of time and see if you feel any different. It takes self discipline and unconditional love. Unless the relationship is an abusive one, you have a chance and obligation to give an honest try to fix it. It is doable. Good luck.

[RMGTaz]

UPDATE:

 

Thank you all for your kind words and helpful advice. I have made the decision to not go back. I moved out last week and am currently living with my parents. Yeah, that sucks... I know a lot of you have encouraged me to try to work it all out. The problem is that This marriage has been broken for a very long time. We have both made mistakes. There are personality traits that he simply is unable to change. I suppose the same is true of me. I know my kids will be hurt by this, but a mom that is there 100% physically, but way less than 100% emotionally isn't good for them either.

 

Now, the hard part of telling him....

[Cyberchick]

I'm sorry you couldn't make it work. I don't think anyone should be judging you for this decision. I hope you are able to find peace with your decision.

[RMGTaz]

Thanks. I believe that you have to trust in that you will do the right thing. Not necessarily what other people think is the right thing, but what you know in your heart is right.

 

On another note, I just found out that he invited my parents over this morning to talk and has convinced them that he can change and make it all better. So....when I go home to their house tonight, I face them trying to convince me to go back. That is playing really unfair! Like this decision isn't hard enough for me...

[Dako]

Inviting your parents is a dirty trick. That kind of manipulation is beyond bad taste.

[Cyberchick]

Just what you need, right? You have so much on your plate right now, I'm sure what you need are your loved ones on board.

 

I really hope things go well when you tell your kids. We're here if you need support.

[RMGTaz]

Thanks, I have a feeling I just might be leaning on you guys....