Acceptance and Rejection.

[Jinx]

Another chapter in my life (as far as it came to coming out) seems to of taken place, a lot has built and crumbled over the past couple days (more so weeks in progress, but I'll apply this to the present moment). In my series of threads since coming out I've talked about parents, relatives and friends. The good and the bad.

 

There is the good and bad halves of this.

 

The friends which acted awkward with me, they broke off ties on the excuse that they had known each other a lot longer than me had discussed and decided it would be in the best interest of their (homophobic) female friend who finally insisted that I was interested in her and that it was becoming stressful for her.

 

I never knew she'd pull this on me. I know she was caught up in herself with men, thinking they all wanted her like no other, but this is a new low that suddenly made me dispensible. She was the one that always acted like she was coming onto me early on with the level of affection displayed, guess I shouldn't of tolerated it like I had, and realized her purpose, but can't change things now. Far as they and I are concerned, never again.

 

While I was home my mother and I had a talk, it started with the general, "So have you found a boyfriend?" question. I answered simply No and it didn't interest me, the end. I've gotten a tad tired of this repetitive question so just be blunt in that regard without letting out too much information I'm just not ready to say the exact words, "Not interested in men, mom. I'm a lesbian. Go figure."

 

Few moments of awkward silence she told me it was Okay, that she'd approve of whatever relationship I found myself in and she'd try to be as supportive as possible that I'm her child and if its what makes me happy then so be it. I needn't out myself, she did it for me. I was surprised to say the least, followed up by her saying the quote, "Mother knows all." That was it, she left me then I guess to stew in the thoughts and more particularly questions, then again I guess eventually it would of became pretty obvious.

 

Secondly, my siblings (especially the youngest) have taken to my gay friends since all of us have been out on a couple random outtings with one another when possible. Everyone has such different schedules it is so hard, particularly my gay friends who are workaholics deluxe yet we have been able to make it happen. My siblings though, just can't get past the fact that in their words, for better or worst, "So nice yet still gay.", what were they expecting? Not sure whether they want to call my Friends or the Gay stereotypes misleading now. Still, the male part of my family will have absolutely nothing to do with them. Who'd of guessed.

 

My father is still oblivious to the whole situation and refuses to work with me on any level of communication or otherwise, he is pissed beyond belief that I haven't yet married off and losing ground on having children. Then when I openly broke the news to him that I'll be attending a University in California for my next degree, and preferably possibly reside around San Fransisco he blew up about all the "Perverts and fags" that live there.

 

The only thing that seemed to please him was the fact that I'd be out of his hair. Which in his language translates to the one who didn't follow his every command about how their life should be conducted (Seriously, by the time we were old enough to conceive the idea, he already decided what each of us should major in, when we should be married,etc.., I'm the only female who refused to do so, and being sexist as he is, that little challenge doesn't go over well) will no longer be around to 'disobey'.

 

He hasn't talked much at all to me since and I've not had the urge to speak with him, maybe he'll actually take up on the threats to never speak to me again, who knows.

 

Later tonight to slightly pad the fallout I've had with all my straight friends and select acquaintances, myself and my group of gay friends set aside time to travel to a local restaurant which is considered A+ in being Gay friendly in this city, I guess there are a lot of other attractions that are GLBT based around there too that we may stop in. One of my first real views of the "gay section" now.

 

A lot has fallen into place as I suspected, and somethings I never did suspect but all in all I think it has turned out for the best, and what I've left are those which truly accept and ones who don't have left me anyhow by this time. Though, I understand, this is nowhere near the end but instead more of a beginning.

 

Edited: For typos, grammar errors, logic lapses mid thought, and all that jazz.

[Prufrock06]

The only thing that seemed to please him was the fact that I'd be out of his hair. Which in his language translates to the one who didn't follow his every command about how their life should be conducted (Seriously, by the time we were old enough to conceive the idea, he already decided what each of us should major in, when we should be married,etc.., I'm the only female who refused to do so, and being sexist as he is, that little challenge doesn't go over well) will no longer be around to 'disobey'.

 

He hasn't talked much at all to me since and I've not had the urge to speak with him, maybe he'll actually take up on the threats to never speak to me again, who knows.

 

Though I can understand this kind of pressure to live up to your parents expectations, and can imagine how frustrating it must be both for your father (who hasn't reconciled himself to the fact that his daughter is an independent woman and not a cardboard cutout made in his image) and more importantly for you (who is still trying to find that balance, it seems, between pleasing one's parents and pleasing one's self) -- I think you are doing the right thing by staying true to yourself despite the inter-familial conflict that seems to arise every now and then. Sometimes I wonder whether I should have come out or should have accepted my sexuality, given the lack of discussion my family has about it; indeed, I would say their silence about talking with me about it is an outright sign that, contrary to the fact that they still treat me the same way, they are not really behind me 100 percent. And yet at the same time I tell myself that I'm 23 years old, I've never gotten into serious trouble and have always been a good son -- in effect, I've entitled myself to enjoy my life, to embrace my sexuality. As far as I see it, if my family is not willing to embrace it as well, then that is something they are going to have to deal with on their own time. I suspect that the same might be true for you, Jinx? From the numerous posts of yours that I've read, you strike me as someone responsible and mature and certainly worthy enough to live life on her own terms, and not struggle to fit into this impossibly-tight mold that her father has set up for her. Our parents may have dreams for us, but it's really not fair on our part for them to expect us to sacrifice our own desires and well-beings in order to please them, especially as we begin to come into our own. Shouldn't our parents just be happy that their children are trying to make their own, UNIQUE way in the world?

 

Anyway, your post really hit home with me. And your optimism and continued positive outlook on the situation despite all this is something I certainly wish were contagious over the Internet.

[KIDD]

I agree mostly with Prufrock06! Jinx just remember to love yourself always & if people don't like it, oh well! As for your parents, it sounds to me like they may already know about you. It may take time for things to come around but they will. Things in life change. Friends come & go & you will find better people, especially when you leave & get away. California seems nice! Wish I could get away. Things will get better, I promise!!

[Jinx]

As far as I see it, if my family is not willing to embrace it as well, then that is something they are going to have to deal with on their own time. I suspect that the same might be true for you, Jinx?

 

Yes, it is. I'm just the black sheep more ways than one in the world. While the rest of my siblings and female relatives live with their parents until they are married, or occasionally, employed where they can't stay home, I didn't do this. I moved out, back when I reached legal adult status ( 18 ) and have carried on ever since.

 

I never did quite fit the mold in the first place like my siblings and we did have the family tension over that, one reason I removed myself. It isn't I suppose so much impossible ideas they set; I surely could marry and have children and become a housewife, yet, not my cup of tea in any shape or form.

 

The way my family works in a quick nutshell:

Man is head of house. Divorce is extremely frowned up. Women are a second class citizen which serves the man. You are a devout Christian with old ways. Sons are valuable carrying on the family name and are the breadwinners, the daughters produce sons for the man they marry and stay home. You are educated that in the case the man decides not to work or is unable to support the family in rough times, you go work and support everyone. Homosexuality, very very bad, ruins all those plans.

 

So needless to say in rejecting my father's plans I am insulting him and the men of the family. Further, heh, I'm choosing to become a Psychologist which you can earn a PhD, that in itself puts me ahead of most men in the family, period. It threatens them and the hierarchy they try to establish. Being a lesbian I will not marry a man, I will not produce biological sons to carry on the man's name, I will not be a second class citizen attending to some man's every whim. I'm an independent woman with my life schedule in order as much as possible.

 

Even with all the birth complications, bad relationships and other things that plague our family the women follow the every word of the man. They don't divorce, they give birth even though it could be of the most negative results, etc..., so through the generations of everyone following the man's "advice" they expect it just to happen, until me. I am kind of crumbling point on this little circle of who is in charge I guess.

 

California seems nice! Wish I could get away. Things will get better, I promise!!

Yes, I'm looking forward to it, very much so It really takes a burden off my shoulders knowing that I'll be able to relocate to somewhere that I don't have to play masquerade or be rejected for who I am. Though in the end as many have said, it really determines who is the true friends and family and who isn't. Those that stand through thick and thin and others than run.

 

Prufrock, Kid - Thank you both. I really appreciate the support here, I can't begin to thank for the support I've got on these boards over everything. Don't know how I'd deal myself with certain things if it weren't for everyone here.

[Tigris]

It's about time a woman in your family found the determination to go against the wishes of the men! I'm sure some of your female relatives admire you for your courage but are not strong enough to admit it.

 

You are giving hope to the younger girls in your family. Well done.

 

Good luck for the future and take care.