The Bad News (and some Good News)

[curlygirl47]

Warning: This is a long post. I haven't been posting for a while, so here's the scoop. For starters, I quit posting for a few days because I felt criticized for still wanting my ex and waiting for him, then some other things happened that prevented me from posting anyway. The story I'm about to tell is not a pretty one, and those of you who hate my ex will hate him more, but I still love him.

 

Alright, bad news first: after that Wednesday when I poured my heart out and felt better about doing so, my ex slept with his ex-wife on that Saturday night. (They haven't slept together in a year and a half, but she has been pursuing him hard for the past few months.) I found out because I called and she was there at midnight, and I knew. I also went to the house, but I kept my dignity and just said that I wished them well at their efforts to get back together but that I didn't think much of him for telling me he was in love with me for all these months if he had wanted her back, and then I asked him to come and get his things the next day. He obviously felt bad, but only said that he would, and I left.

 

The next day I actually called her and again wished them well and said that I would not try to see P. again if they were trying to work things out, for their son's sake and because I love P. and want him to be happy. In these actions, I felt I was taking the high road and not acting like somebody from Jerry Springer, which is what I really felt like doing.

 

In any case, despite my efforts to rally from this upsetting event, I was in a very bad state. My depression has been severe these past few weeks, though I didn't tell you as much, and at that point my life became (as they say in AA, unmanageable). I couldn't sleep more than a few hours despite taking 4 Nytol and drinking about 5 Jack Daniels, and I got to where I was getting up at 5 and 6 a.m. and drinking even more. I didn't go to work for a few days, and I was a shaky mess. I finally checked myself into the hospital (it's a behavioral center, technically) on Wednesday since I clearly had a serious problem. I stayed five days, detoxed from the alcohol, got some sleep with the help of meds, got on a new anti-depressant, made some very special friends, and got a lot of emotional support from people who are having similar problems.

 

Back up just a minute: Before I went to the hospital, P. came over and got his things and we talked. He apologized and said he didn't know what to do anymore, etc. At that point, I also didn't have any electricity at my place because I couldn't pay my bills this month. Life has been a challenge, to say the least. He offered to pay my bill, which was substantial because I was two months behind, and to put me in a hotel. He did not, however, offer for me to stay at his place. I told him I was not a charity case, and if I couldn't stay with him, he should forget about me and get on with his life. I went on to the hospital, and while I was there he visited twice, on the first visit just bringing me the teddy bear that he had given me on my birthday (I had given it back) and a book called Reflections on Love. On the second visit, we talked at length (for an hour and half), and he said that he had told his ex that he had made a mistake, that he was going to be there for me, and that he had "deep feelings for me."

 

I have to stop here for now; I've been interrupted by a phone call. I'll finish in a bit.

[curlygirl47]

So, in the conversation at the hospital I forgave him and we decided that we would date again. He said that his ex-wife knew how he felt about me and had purposefully tried to ruin everything, and he had just had a weak moment. He said that he wants a future with me and that he knew if we had stayed together, we would be married within the year and he is afraid of "f...ing up" another marriage. He wants to be sure.

 

We immediately planned three dates: we would see each other as soon as I got out of the hospital (he would "be there" for me, he said), we would go to Alabama to see my daughter and my mother in a few weeks, and after that we would go away for a weekend to a cabin in North Georgia that I love --- I've been there before alone and with family ("go ahead and make the arrangements," he said).

 

Here's the clincher: after I got out of the hospital, he's been AWOL and has cancelled all three of our plans because his son has baseball games, his daughter is in trouble, and he is about to have his tonsils removed --- all of which are reasonable excuses except that there is no reason to exclude me from his life entirely during these events. I've just about decided he's crazy, and I'm going back to NC.

 

The new meds are keeping me emotionally level, so I don't have to deal with the crying spells, the shaking, etc. --- but I'm still very lonely. And now I can't go to the bars much (if at all) because I'll be tempted to drink and I can't because it makes the depression worse and because it's dangerous for me to drink on these meds. I could go and drink diet coke, but you know how that goes. I'm trying to find something else to fill the lonely hours and I'm going to counseling. I'm also going to a women's recovery group starting today. Maybe I'll get together with a few of the friends I made at the hospital.

 

Now, please don't slam me because I'd like to keep talking to you guys here but I'm going to run if you make me feel like a total loser. I'm still fragile emotionally, and I need your support.

[BellaDonna]

I've just about decided he's crazy, and I'm going back to NC.

 

I am glad to hear that you are going back to NC. I think that is a very wise decision. He clearly has problems of his own and cannot be counted on. He's playing both you and his ex.

 

I really think you need to cut things off with him totally, for you to ever get any better.

 

Now, please don't slam me because I'd like to keep talking to you guys here but I'm going to run if you make me feel like a total loser

 

No one on this site thinks that you're a "loser" hun.... I think people just hate to see you set yourself up to get hurt over and over again by the same man. We want to see you do well. I'm pretty sure that as long as he is in your life in any way, shape, or form- that you can't do well. He is a very destructive force in your life.

 

You deserve better than that. Someone who truly loves you will not keep changing his mind about you and cheating with his ex. Someone who loves you will not take advantage of your caring heart and willingness to forgive. You should save those qualities for a man that derserves them from you. He doesn't.

 

I hope things get better for you ,

 

BellaDonna

[Nathalie1970]

Curlygirl, I had wondered where you were!!!!

 

Everybody here is out to support one another, so if one of us screws up no one will judge you, they will give you a shoulder to cry on. (As I have found out) Like Belladonna said, your boyfriend is not worthy of your love and compassion. Be strong and know we will always be here for you.

[whatif]

Curlygirl

Most of us on this site had or have or are going throught the same situation as you are. When we read your story, we feel disgusted and angry about the fact that you are still trying to get him back after all the crap he had done. But the fact is that we all would have done the same if our EXs come back to us in the same way. I still love my ex girl and I found out she is going out with a guy I hated, but if she shows a tiny interest in coming back to me, I think I will welcome her with all my heart. Our minds are very weak when we are lonely and we hope to hang on to any threads we can find. I hope you recover soon and erase him from your life. It's going to take time and patience, but we all must do it. Take care.

[Dako]

All I feel about your situation is compassion. Everyone here must know how much easier it is to advise others, but how powerful emotions can derail your own life.

 

This guy is bad news, but you really tried your best to make it work.

You must be a passionate woman to risk it all for this bonehead, and with another man. you will be appreciated for your strengths.

 

Be kind to yourself and keep off the sauce.

I have the same tendencies, but am beating them.

Stan

[Lady Bugg]

Curly, I read your post...and I DO know how it feels to want to be with someone against your better judgement...even when they are blatantly treating you like crap. I think I have held on longer than I should have because I always remembered who the person was at the beginning..rather than what they had become. Holding onto the hope that ONE day they would be that person again, and love me the same way kept that hope alive for me.

I like to consider myself an optimist...so I would always see the situation as "not so bad"...or a project that could somehow be "fixed" or tweeked.

The bottom line is...if TWO people don't want something with the same intensity...then failure is inevitable.

 

I hope you decide to stay and sort yourself out. I personally appreciate your candor...admitting you are out of control.and addicted takes TREMENDOUS courage and honesty. It truly made me feel even more what you're going through. I have been there....and it hurts like hell.

 

I have seen a few "biting" posts here...of posters telling someone to "just get over it"..or "oh my god how could you do THAT"?? It has left a bad taste in my mouth..but I ALSO realize these people DO mean well...sometimes they are just not the best at expressing it.

 

I hope you feel better and that you stick with your program....

Pm me if you ever need to.

[keenan]

Now, please don't slam me because I'd like to keep talking to you guys here but I'm going to run if you make me feel like a total loser. I'm still fragile emotionally, and I need your support.

 

 

Oh, curylygirl...no slamming, hon. In a sense, we all live vicariously through each another here at ENA because it's SO hard to be strong in our own lives. If somebody here tells you to "just be strong, stick with NC, stop running around in circles, etc.," it's partly directed to you, and partly directed inward, toward the poster. Fact is, you gave into impulses that we ALL have, and that we all have only moderate success at coping with. Look around--a huge number of posts here are from people who have gone back to the ex for an hour, or a night, or a week...holding out hope against hope that THIS time it will work out...that THIS time, the ex will finally wake up and realize that he's been viewing it all wrong, that THIS time he'll realize how wonderful we are, and plead like crazy to get us back. (I'm in the same tippy boat, but I spill my guts in PMs more than posts.)

 

Don't avoid ENA for fear of being judged. You've got a safety net here. Sometimes people may cringe as they watch you tumble...but that's because we know how it feels to fall. When it comes down to it, we'll catch you. We've all watched you struggle through this, and we care for you deeply.

 

I, for one, think that you're amazing to have endured such a rough ride and to have kept on moving forward with such resilience and courage and strength. It's inspiring to see you check yourself into a facility and get the help that you need--to see you be so determined to take charge of your life.

 

As way of saying thanks to YOU, I'm going to do something comparatively very, very trivial in importance: I'm going to wrestle myself away from my computer, take a shower, and go to work...which is something I've been avoiding for too long (the work, not the shower, lol). Thanks.

[curlygirl47]

Your responses today mean a lot to me. I went to the women's recovery group, and my goodness, I'm actually the one whose got it together in that group --- bless their hearts, these women are mostly court-ordered to be there, some have lost or are losing their children, some are facing jail time, and some are facing both. The saddest moment today was when a woman's drug test came back positive for marijuana after 4 months clean, and she swore she had not used. Because she wouldn't admit her use, she is denied further access to the recovery group. It was painful to see, and she will be in trouble with DSS --- and she's very pregnant. I wanted to reach out to her as we left, but I didn't. Now I wish I had.

 

I went out at lunch and bought a crossword book --- guess I'll do that tonight after teaching my class. Woo hoo! And I need to touch up my gray hairs. So, I've got a big night planned.

 

Talk to you tomorrow. I've got to go prepare for a class on Interpreting Poetry.

[NJRon]

hehe... I got a crossword boook also... but I got like this New York Times compendium one... and I got one word so far. It took me a few days to get that word, so I am very proud of it.

[keenan]

Hey, I got a crossword book, too! I'm horrible at them, so I got the Idiot's Guide to Crosswords...LOL! The words are things like "cat" and "dog" so it's very empowering.

 

Have fun, curlygirl. Talk to you soon.

[curlygirl47]

Oh --- you're going big time. I got a casual cross-word doer's puzzle, so I can feel good about myself.

 

My class doesn't start for 2 1/2 hours, so I think I'm going to run home and take about a thirty minute nap. I'll check in later.

 

Hope you all have a nice evening.