Should I leave my wife ?

[WildChild]

Breaking it off with her will be no different than any other relationship that has ended in your past. Of course you are going to miss her. Of course it is going to be misery. But your missing her and your misery is no different than anyone else on this forum or in this world. We all have suffered, we all have lived it. And although not everyone survives it, the majority have. Either way, what you are doing to your wife is unfair. Your emotional rollercoaster is affecting her, not to mention it is adding to the fact that she is still trying to grasp what you have done to her. Your pain is nothing compared to hers at this point. Another thing, you are not moving because of the location you live (based on your job)? What message do you think that is sending your wife. You would rather stay in the job where you met your mistress because of the locality of your job, than save your marriage. Maybe this is more about you being selfish in many other aspects than anything else. Not pointing fingers, but pointing out possibilities

[Scout]

These words may be difficult to read...but in all honesty, they really capture the harsh reality of what is happening here. My impression also reading your post was that you felt you were being swept away on a tide of emotions and actions that you had no control over.

 

That's not really true, is it? You did have choices and you picked the one that has now made your entire family hurt. I'm not even concerned about this other woman's feelings, she made the wrong choice too.

 

It sounds to me like your marriage might have gotten in a rut in a few places. This is normal in almost every marriage, but I'm sorry, the usual solution is not to go to bed with someone else. It requires work and extra attention to solving the problems in your marriage.

 

I'm sorry, but until you can take responsibility for the incredible pain you have inflicted on your family, I see no hope that your marriage can be fixed anytime soon. On the other hand, I too agree that your relationship with this other woman is based on passion, which only lasts for so long. Then it requires work and commitment.

[theantibarbie23]

Please Piers, go visit link removed and post this problem under the wayward side.

 

There are so many good people there, both men and women, that have all ethier gone through or are going through the emotional turmoil you are right now and might be able to better help you sort through this.

[whatchamacallit]

I know in my case, I was emotionally hungry for companionship. I had what was in my mind...a dead marriage. No mutual friends, no activities (unless they were our children's sports activities), no social life. No nothing. BUT, we do share memories of our children together. He is the ONLY person in the world I share those memories with. I have been told that love isn't a "feeling". Maybe love between a husband and wife goes past the romantic and to the day to day striving together. I thought if I didn't "feel" a certain way towards my husband, I must not love him. Maybe love for a spouse is sharing those precious memories. In doing the routine, mundane caring for each other. Romantic love with S will subside. What memories and honor will you two have together? The guilt will eat you alive.

 

I thought too, for 23 years that I would just wait till the kids grew up and then I'd get out. There would be less hurt that way. WRONG!!! Grown up children have their own opinions and ideas. It still hurts and in my case, my children wouldn't come into my home because he was there. I had to meet them elsewhere to see them. To me, that was so unnatural. And one big reason he and I decided to live apart. I had to have my kids in my life. Even though they're grown. Then, I started thinking about when I have grandchildren. What would I do then, if I was still living with him and I wanted to visit or keep my grandchild? You have to think about all this stuff even though it's miles into the future. When children are younger, they go where you go and accept who you accept. Moreso than grown children. I have lost respect and honor from my children. And I live with regret and pain EVERYDAY, EVERY WAKING HOUR OF MY DAY!!! The acute (temporary, but painful) pain of losing S is easier to go through than the chronic (long-lingering) pain of suffering the consequenses of losing your marriage.

 

I wish I had tried to find another outlet for my lack of emotional support from my then husband. A women's group, church, or something else. I understand how you need the emotional part of a relationship. And you weren't, aren't getting it from your wife.

[Pips Estella]

The women whose husbands have left them say "stay". Crucially, the men who have been through this experience also say "stay". The overriding consensus is clear. Work at your marriage.

 

Do you think you're having a mid-life crisis? "Camping outside her apartment" - that's the sort of thing I did aged sixteen. It's very romantic but not very realistic. Do you usually act all lovesick like that, or is this behaviour new and very unlike you? Maybe you've been a sensible, dependable, loyal husband for too long and are rebelling. You need to slow down, perhaps talk to someone - preferably your wife. I am sure that if you confessed your problems to her she would see them as the cause of your behaviour and would be more quick to excuse you.

 

Marriages breakdown because one or two of the people in them cease to love each other and end up finding someone else. Do you think your marriage had already broken down, prior to meeting S? Or were things just plodding along nicely?

[WildChild]

I think she may have a hard time understanding any of this if you don't quite understand it yourself. I know my ex couldn't explain all of it either, but like you it started out as a one time thing. You start to compare the two, your mind starts to wander, you wonder what they are doing etc....You also made it a point to point out the age differences between all of you. She is younger than your wife and maybe that is some of your driven desire for you. It was for my ex, it made him feel younger. He now feels she is too young for him and that is most of the reason he doesn't want a relationship with her. A person never fully gets over something if it is constantly there to remind you. Out of sight, out of mind. YOu won't get over S if you constantly see her or speak to her. It doesn't sound as though your marriage was in shambles when you first kissed S. Your marriage has now suffered for a spur of the moment mistake that has manifested beyond your wildest dreams. I don't recall you mentioning what makes you fond of your mistress more than your wife. Being truthful with yourself is going to be the hardest, most difficult thing to do. It is scary to actually say the words out loud. But you have to. You have to start digging for the truth in all of this and saying it out loud to yourself. If you can't be truthful to yourself, it will be difficult to be truthful to either of the women. The truth shall set you free, but only you know what it is.

[whatchamacallit]

WildChild,

 

Would you have taken your husband back since his girlfriend and him didn't work out? Would you take him back now? My husband would take me back in an instant. Of course, if I would adhere to the conditions. Counseling, leaving my job, and never, ever see, hear, e-mail this guy ever again. I don't know if I could trust myself to do that permanantly. And, I have a great job. Just curious is you would take him back.

[piers]

Wildchild, you have a point asking me to seek the truth. Its not easy, I am not sure myself, but if I ever show any indecision, my wife can't cope with it. Understandably, hence it would be easier to lie to her.

 

I don't believe I am lieing to S, which currently draws me to her.

 

Why do I prefer S, I do think its the chemistry of a new relationship that heightens my attraction. BUT Mostly its her energy, and yes I know kids kill that, but she has more than my wife ever had, and is into the same sports I am, we have spent a lot of time together in the mountains.

 

I do fear though that I have been lieing to myself, for example believing that I could have full closure at the weekend.

 

In terms of 'mid life crisis' I think that there is an element of that. About a year ago I started taking my fitness seriously again, and I certainly haven't been lovesick in any way for over 14 years. Hence I am somewhere I really can't grasp.

 

Sorry for the rambling, but I have had some good feedback here thanks.

[WildChild]

Possibly within the first year I may have, but now? No. I don't see him as a monster, but having children still keeps us in close contact. For the most time we get along and have occasional long talks. It's amazing how you do realize that things never change. He couldn't stay faithful to me nor her. Nothing is going to change that. He hasn't changed in any of this. He hasn't grown, nor has he learned from any of his mistakes. Had he made improvements to himself, as I have since the divorce, maybe I would have. But I am in a relationship now that in general gives me more than my relationship with him ever did. I guess in a way it was a Godsend for me. I actually feel bad for her though. She called the other night under the pretense of my ex and I's oldest Bday coming up, and then later mentioned that she hadn't heard from him in a month. She said that can be normal for him. What is funny about all of this is that no matter how long they have been or will be together, I have known him the longest. I have seen it all with him, but she believes she knows him best. I wanted to say "You dumb, dumb girl. This is not normal. He is ignoring you because he is breaking it off with you and has cheated on you." But I just let her believe what she wants. I didn't say anything because I felt pity for her. She said it was normal knowing it wasn't. How odd the mistress calling the exwife. Funny how I am the one now pittying her. I would never be able to trust either one of the them fully ever again. That is probably the worst thing out of all of this (outside of the kids). They took away my trust and I have yet to fully find it within anyone.

[BellaDonna]

I am speaking as the "child" who is witnessing her parents split. Both of my parents are middle-aged. My mother began an affair about a year ago and is currently separated from my father- and seeing the other "man". She still won't go through with the divorce for some odd reason.

 

All I can say is that aside from anything that is happening with your wife- keep in mind whether you leave her or not- if your children know about your cheating behavior- expect to lose a lot of respect from them- and gain a lot of resentment. You will also tarnish their idea of what a relationship/marriage should be.

 

All I can say is that I'm personally disgusted by my own mother's behavior- and although I still love her- I do not feel the same way about her. I've lost all respect for her, and do not see her as my parent. I never wanted my mother to be in an unhappy situation- or stay in a bad marriage. It's never good to "stay together for the kids"- however cheating is inexcusable in my eyes.

 

If you're not happy with your wife- then leave. Don't stay and make a fool of everyone and yourself by continuing your affair. It disrespects your wife and your children, in essense playing them all for stupid.

 

As for your relationship- I think the absolute best thing you can do right now is enter marriage counseling to help you make this decision. I agree with Avman that in order to make any progress (whether you decide to stay or leave) you need to cut "S" out of your life so you can think more clearly.

 

Marriage counseling will not guarentee that your marriage can be saved- but it can help you and your wife make a well-thought-out decision. It can help get to the cause of your desire to cheat- and get both your wife's feelings and your feelings- out in the open.

 

As for "S"- I think you are looking at her through rose-colored glasses. Keep this in mind: What kind of person is she to have sex with a man who is married and has children? I don't think she's as great of a person as you currently think she is. She must be "off" in some way to involve herself in this messy situation with you. You also need to figure out which "void" she's filling inside of you. Does she make you feel more confident? Is she more passive and agreeable than your wife? Why are you so drawn to her? She's filling some kind of void- whether real or imagined.

 

I also think you are viewing your whole situation in an unrealistic way- and you have some fantasy-vision of what a life with "S" would be like if you left your wife.

 

I think you really need to get into marriage counseling so you can at least see this situation for what it is, and make an informed, well-thought-out decision. You may decide to leave, or you may decide to stay- but at least if you enter counseling you can do so with a clear head.

 

I hope things improve for you, no matter what you decide,

 

 

BellaDonna

[WildChild]

I will get back to you on this one...I am at work and it's lunch time...Yey! LOL

[kellbell]

I am so with Bella on this one. I am in almost the exact situation as her. I am 29 years old and it has absolutely devistated me....right to the core. I am old enough to understand what it going on but nonetheless, to watch my parents' marriage end and have my mother involved in a emotional affair with another man has me feeling completely lost and hurt beyond words. My whole family has been torn apart by this. Everything that has been so firm and familiar to me all these years has been taken away and things will never be the same because my parents failed to communicate and be honest with one another. Just think about those things when you decide to leave your wife for someone else.

 

I wish you a lot of luck in this. Take care.

[Pips Estella]

 

Why do I prefer S, I do think its the chemistry of a new relationship that heightens my attraction. BUT Mostly its her energy, and yes I know kids kill that, but she has more than my wife ever had.

 

In terms of 'mid life crisis' I think that there is an element of that. I certainly haven't been lovesick in any way for over 14 years.

 

 

 

S is new and exciting. But that doesn't mean she's going to be better than your wife in the long run. Remember that.

 

Stay with your wife. You and she have proven that you can happily spend years together. That's very significant.

 

The affair had a purpose. It's forced you to ask the question, "Do I still love my wife?" It's also forced your wife to ask the question, "Do I still love him?" You two are going to have to both answer these questions.

 

If the answer is yes "but I'm bored in the relationship and a bit messed up right now" then your marriage is worth saving. If the answer is absolutely not (independent of your feelings for S), then be as decent and respectful as you can but break it off.

 

You sound like you're not 100% happy in your marriage, but as you have three precious children to look after and your wife is a good woman, you should stick with it. There's a proverb that says, when you're single, keep both eyes open, but when you're married, keep one eye closed. Nobody's perfect. Accept people and their faults. So your wife doesn't have as much energy and interest in sport. Is she a good person? Does she do right by you? Will she pick you up when your down? Will she stand by you? To me, these are the most important things about a relationship, not if someone shares your passion for mountain-climbing. That seems rather superficial.

 

I swear, all of this is enough to stop anyone getting married and having children, ever!

[Scout]

The affair had a purpose. It's forced you to ask the question' date=' "Do I still love my wife?" It's also forced [b']your wife [/b]to ask the question, "Do I still love him?" You two are going to have to both answer these questions.

 

Actually, I would say this affair hopefully is making you both ask yourselves: "How did my marriage get in a rut? What can I do to help my spouse and I stimulate each other mentally, emotionally, and physically again? What can we do to put purpose and energy and growth back in our marriage?"

[whatchamacallit]

I enjoyed reading the perspective from KellBell and BellaDonna. It reaffirms what my children must think of me. I fell off my pedastal big time. Girls, how would you feel toward your mother's either b/f or new spouse if that were to happen? Would you ever visit them in their home? Would you ever meet him? My ex told my daughter to kick him in the balls if she ever met him in person. I'm sure she would do it, too! My Mr. has always been upset that my kids never gave him a chance. Never did sit and talk it out. They never met him, and I knew they never would. I'd just like to know how you'd feel about a relationship with your mother's significant other.

 

WildChild, thank you for your reply. I think there's some unresolved issues between me and my ex-husband. I know I killed him emotionally. And I wonder sometimes if I was not just pressured by my guy and listened to him instead of my husband. My ex has done some improvements in his life. Mainly physical. He now runs marathons and eats veggie burgers! A total 360 from the way he used to be! He says he doesn't watch t.v. as much and stays up later in the evening. Different from when we were married. So, you may have gone back to your ex if he had changed? I don't know what will happen in my case. There was no passion or communication in our marriage, so I'd hate to fall back into that. I'm sure that part of him hasn't changed. Did he ever want to go back to you after his break with his mistress? I would think he'd want to go back to his family if it didn't work out with her. But, you're right. Something happens to the trust. I don't know what life would be like for me if I did go back. I think I would be watched like a hawk and all his family would be skeptical. I'm sure my kids would be elated, though.

[kellbell]

whatchamacallit, I am sorry how my post affected you. I want nothing to do with my mom's new "man." He should have known better than to tango with a married woman no matter how unhappy she is. He did not even think about anyone but himself and neither did my mother.

 

I told my mother flat out, I respect her decisions because she deserves to be happy but I don't accept them. And I will not accept this new guy as a possible step-parent...and I also told her do not expect me to spend holidays over his house and the like. I don't trust him for obvious reasons...I have a really hard time digesting and accepting utter selfishness. Sorry...that's is just how I feel.

[WildChild]

Well there are a few things. I too am the product of a broken home child because of an affair. My situation is different, I knew the man my Mother was having the affair with as did the rest of our family. I remember my home being a happy home when I was very young, but then it is like there is a lapse where I don't remember anything, and then I remember the very end. My dad was very abusive to my mother, sister and I. He was an alcoholic. Can I understand how my mother began the affair? 100%. Am I glad that she finally left my dad? 100%. Does it sadden me that I am the child of a broken home? 100%. I vowed I would not have children and raise them the way I was raised, nor would they ever have to grow up in two homes. I have failed in half of my vows. Affairs happen for many reasons. But when reasons are self serving and full ofs "but I couldn't help myself" I have no tolerance for that. Many of the difference of today's world and yesterday's world is divorce, affairs, etc....are viewed in a whole new light than when my parents grew up and when their parents grew up. Affairs happened all of the time, but rarely did it come out and rarely did marriages end. I don't know if that is good or bad. Because someone down the road was hurt either then or later in life because of the affair and the people stayed together. Whether it was the audulterer, the spouse, or the children. No matter what the age, even today I always wonder what it would have been like to live in a "normal" home with two parents. But I also believe that I wouldn't be who I am today. Meaning everything happens for a reason. I have changed a lot since my marriage. Because you know what? He may have had the affair, but he wasn't happy in the marriage. I had to reevaluate myself and see where I went wrong in our relationship. And you know what I found? A lot. I had shrouded myself into believing that I was the best wife, the best mother, the best housekeeper, the best lover. And in the end I realized I wasn't. I made my changes too late. But those changes have helped me in the relationship I am in now. So no matter who you are in the mess of affairs, they happen whether we like them or not. What is important is how we conduct ourselves during the process of either making up and healing, or ending our relationships whether the affair or marriage. It is the kids, if you have them, that will suffer and there is no getting around it. But to try to constitute affairs as OK because you are miserable is not OK. That is why there is such things as divorce. And in the end no matter who is next to you, you still have to go to sleep and wake up each day with yourself. Could you live with someone like you?

[whatchamacallit]

KellBell,

 

Have your feelings toward this man effected your mother's decision to continue a relationship with him? My children's hatred for my guy profoundly effected the reason why he and I chose to live apart. It was more my decision. I had to have my grown children in my life. He could have his because they were young, but I had to have my grown children feel they could visit me in my home at any time. Do you think I moved in the right direction from your perspective?

[RayKay]

I enjoyed reading the perspective from KellBell and BellaDonna. It reaffirms what my children must think of me. I fell off my pedastal big time. Girls, how would you feel toward your mother's either b/f or new spouse if that were to happen? Would you ever visit them in their home? Would you ever meet him? My ex told my daughter to kick him in the balls if she ever met him in person. I'm sure she would do it, too! My Mr. has always been upset that my kids never gave him a chance. Never did sit and talk it out. They never met him, and I knew they never would. I'd just like to know how you'd feel about a relationship with your mother's significant other.

 

 

I am going to throw my story in too, if that's okay whatchamacallit?

 

My parents divorced when I was 7...I also had a 2 year old brother and my mother was 7 months pregnant with my sister. My mum came home one day and my father had just packed up and left to be with his mistress, telling mum he "was not ready for the responsibilities of a marriage and children" anymore. He had had a previous couple of affairs, and mum let him stay, but this one turned into something more.

 

It was crushing. My mum had her university degree but had been at home with us kids the last few years as my father drove trucks long distance, and wanted her to be at home too. She at the time was training to be a cop, but had to stop as she was now on her own and could not afford the hours and emotional stress of that life. She found a new full time job and went back to school part time. She met my stepfather a few months later, and they have been together over 20 years now..I love him as he is absolutely wonderful. She has done remarkably well in life, and is still a very high up businesswoman even while battling cancer right now.

 

My father married this new woman within the year, and had another child. And basically we would see him now and then. At the time I did not understand much what had happened, nor what the consequences of an affair could be. Eventually he basically distanced from us, I talk to him maybe once ayear now. He called me last week, and I honestly fell apart after I talked to him, as I realized how much he lost. My mum has cancer now, and it has brought me closer to her in so many ways, and I have heard many times how proud she is of us kids and wonderful we are, and how glad she is to have us....and then there is him whom threw it all away and ran away.

 

I am torn, as I am glad for my stepfather, glad my mum got out of that marriage that was crippling her, but furious at my dad for not being the man he promised her he would be.

 

I told my mother he called....and she said then to NEVER let him come near her no matter how sick she gets, she does not want him there no matter what. She does not hate him, but she hates him for what he did to us. And it was truly THEN I felt her pain from so many years ago. 20 years later and it is NOW I realized how she hurt...she was my age when he left too with three kids...and NOW I realize how awful it is. I don't talk to my stepmother very much anymore at all, I liked her, but I no longer respect her. I don't respect my father. Love him, but hate him. It is very confusing, very painful....and this is 20 years later.

 

Phew, sorry that was long. I guess, I can't say what will happen with your children towards you or your partner. For many years I felt no hate or resentment to my dad other then his distance and lack of being a father to us...but now I do have little respect for him. I also have tremendous pity for him, for what he gave up and missed in our lives. He has no idea what is going on in our lives most of the time. I had to tell him months after I found out I got accepted into Law, had to tell him my mother was ill, things like that. It hurts. I love him, but he made some terrible choices, and that hurt is deep, I carry that guilt of resenting him when I wish there was an ability to just love freely...but I can't.

 

Affairs hurt everybody. For a very long time. No wonder I feared abandonment for a great part of my life, I look back and can see a lot of issues I had were due to this fear, trust issues, and so forth.

[Scout]

piers, I am going to send you a PM with an article I found on "Relationship Boredom" that might give you some insight into where you and your wife lost perspective in your marriage that led to your eventual affair. I hope this helps you think things through a little more objectively, because the gist of this article is any couple can fall prey to these minefields (eventually, yes, you and your new lover).

[Scout]

Wait, I can't send you a private message. That capability isn't on your profile for some reason. I can't copy and paste the article here, because of copyright issues.

[whatchamacallit]

RayKay,

 

Thank you for your very informative and insightful letter. I know you were young and your father missed so many years. How sorry for him. Even though my kids are grown it still has effected them when I thought it wouldn't. In a way I was "brainwashed" by my guy. He would tell me over and over about my kids being adult and their feelings didn't matter. However, I do take full responsibility for my actions. Do you think I did the right thing by my grown children?

[NJRon]

Wait, I can't send you a private message. That capability isn't on your profile for some reason. I can't copy and paste the article here, because of copyright issues.

 

If it's on the internet, you can just link it. That's legal

[WildChild]

RayKay,

 

Thank you for your very informative and insightful letter. I know you were young and your father missed so many years. How sorry for him. Even though my kids are grown it still has effected them when I thought it wouldn't. In a way I was "brainwashed" by my guy. He would tell me over and over about my kids being adult and their feelings didn't matter. However, I do take full responsibility for my actions. Do you think I did the right thing by my grown children?

 

I honestly think whatchamacallit that you owe yourself a lot of credit because you actually walked away from your affair (which turned into you living with him). Obviously the affair devestated many lives and that is to not be discounted, however many people would have stayed in the relationship (affair) just to save face. I am curious as to how your relationship with your children are not that you finally walked away from him.

[Scout]

If it's on the internet, you can just link it. That's legal

 

I can't remember where I found it, I had copied and pasted it to a message I sent someone else who was experiencing a similar problem. I'll look for it, it's really good.