Should I leave my wife ?

[piers]

deleted this for personal reasons. sorry to anyone who really found it useful

[novaseeker]

Fact is, if you leave your wife for S, your relationship with S is unlikely to work. Statistically, these relationships typically fail (not all of them do, but most of them do) because (1) they are based on an infidelity and (2) they are fantasia-like relationships that provide the "good stuff" without the real world hassles and routines for the most part, so comparing your real world marriage with your protected, fantasia affair with S will always end up with the relationship with S "winning" because it hasn't yet been subject to the real world stresses and routines that your marriage has.

 

You've treated your wife remarkably poorly. There are children involved. The right thing to do would be to drop your relationship with S and work like hell to try to rebuild the trust of your wife. You will realize soon enough that what you had with S was a fantasy relationship more than a real world one like your marriage is, and running from your marriage to that relationship would be bad for you (in addition to being really unfair to your wife and your children).

[avman]

The only possible way to salvage your marriage is to cut off contact with S. The feelings for her WILL subside with time. You say that you have no reason to be unhappy in your marriage and have 14 good years under your belt. Why risk that? You don't know that things with S would work out (and statistically speaking, affairs don't work out).

 

I'm sure the attraction to S is strong. Things always are strong in the initial courtship period. But like all relationships, those passions wane with time and it settles into a comfortable zone. Thats what you have with your wife. Of course it's not as passionate and exciting as the affair. The affair is new. The marriage is 14 years old. But you love your wife (right) and you committed to her. So why not go with that?

 

But I'm telling you, you must cut off S completely. Otherwise you're living a lie to both of them and to yourself. Yes that might even involve leaving your job. Such are the sacrifices that must be made when trying to correct a mistake.

[always_hurt]

You have to think about this seriously, with a clear head and know exactly what consequences you face. I understand that if you are attracted to someone then the emotions you feel can overpower you. However, dont you think that this thing with S is lust? You only talk about physical attractiveness and sex. Have you ever talked about your future if you left your wife? How would S feel about coping with an ex-wife and teenage children who are no doubtably going to be angry and hurt by what you have done to their mother and most likely, in realistic terms, never accept S as a part of your life. This can have a very hard impact on your relationship with S. Have you ever considered this? My fear, and probably yours too, is that S will finally have you to herself, then when the excitement is gone, be bored and move on to someone who has no baggage.

 

You have a wife who has been with you for fourteen years, had an excellent marriage, and even when you had an affair is STILL willing to forgive you!!! That woman is something else. You are selfish not to appreciate her more and support her. She is willing to stay with you after what you have done to her and the only simple thing she is asking you to do is not be around your mistress anymore, and if that means leaving your job then so be it. Its only a job and no matter what you say, there are still many many other jobs out there. Do you really think she is asking too much of you?? If you do, then leave your wife, because she deserves so much better. Im sorry about how harsh this may seem, but i have to be truthful.

 

You cant expect your wife to just go back to normal after this has happened, of course she's going to be emotional. Of course she may get angry and throw things around. But i know that nearly every woman would be in this world after being hurt by the one man she loved and trusted the most for fourteen years.

[Bethany]

You talk like your some sort of victim here. Your not. You're a cliche.... you're a married man having an affair and an 'I can't help myself' one at that! Thats's just pathetic. You CAN make a decision you just don't want to give up the buzz of an affair which to me is just low.

 

Your wife and your children are the victims here. They have done NOTHING to deserve what you are doing to them and your behaviour is unacceptable and disrespectful and if I were your wife, I'd take that 'oh so hard decision' out of your hands and kick your sorry backside to the curb.

 

Learn from this and do as the others tell you. Or you will find yourself alone in some lousy bedsit in a few years time, regretting ever meeting this S and wishing that you hadn't hurt the people you love and and missing the family you once had but threw away.

[piers]

this also needed to be removed I dont know who may be able to read such stuff and it wont help

[Yonik]

As is expected you'll get a bunch of grief from others on this board who know nothing of what you're going through. I'm now involved in a secret affair and have been for about a year.

 

In my case I have far from an "excellent" marriage. I'm wondering if there was not something missing in yours. It seems as though you had a renewed passion for your wife only after she found out about S and she "wanted" you again. There is something irresistible about a woman who wants you passionately - something most wives don't, even if the husband wants them. I don't know why that is - it just is.

 

Someone did point out that the numbers are against this relationship working. I read something like 5% work or something. But those are just numbers. I'd just hate for you to wind up being like one of these chumps that leaves and then crawls back home, head hanging after a few months. I worry about that because you seem to still love your wife and there's a pretty good chance that you'll miss her like crazy once you're away from her for awhile and S starts nagging you (as they all do eventually).

 

I don't know what to say - except that you're thinking with your emotions and that's a hard ride to get off of. The passion you're feeling comes by very rarely and I'd be hard pressed to tell you to give it up for practical reasons. Please, whatever you do - don't beat yourself up for this too much. You fell for someone else ... it happens ALL THE TIME. It's a powerful urge in men that womaen do not understand. They also don't understand that failing to show the husband affection and caring is the easiest way to make him vulnerable to this. You're not a victim, but you are human. Give yourself a break.

 

It's how you handle things from here on in that determine if you're an a**hole or not. What I mean is, if you leave the wife and kids - make the divorce easy on her. Let her keep the house, be generous with the alimony, don't make her fight for material goods.

 

I can say one thing that'll seem very unpopular to others here. But some of you will know the following is true:

 

It sounds like your wife will resent you for awhile - but will have more respect for you seeing how you were able to attract another woman. It's just human/animal nature. It's unlikely she'll take you for granted anytime soon if you do return.

 

Hang in there - you're in a tough spot.

[NJRon]

Tell S that you have to cut it off while you and your wife go to marriage counselling. Don't make any decisions right now, work it out through counselling. You owe it to her, your children and yourself to see if you can fix the issues in your marriage before you decide to throw away 14 years. It is a true statement of her care for you that she is sticking with you at all, after all this. Be a man and do the right thing. It's the only way to regain your self respect.

[77streaks]

if you do not feel anymore love for your wife, then maybe its time to leave.

Pity is not a good reason to stay.

 

But, yes i pity her too. Why prolong her misery and yours?

If you will not take the steps to leave S and rebuild your relationship with your wife, i suppose the best thing you can do is to let your wife go. Now you "have one feet in each boat" and you're gonna fall over.

 

let her go, your wife deserves someone who loves her.

 

boy, this sounds so painful.

 

i can only really believe that you don't love your wife, because you've cheated on her repeatedly and you don't really care about her feelings, or try to understand her...which leads me to think, you don't love her, maybe you only loved her for what she could contribute to your life, by being the wife in the location you want, when you want.

 

you really don't sound like you want to rebuild this with your wife. in fact this relationship seems "dispensable", and what is serious is that this other person invested 14 yrs with you, and had two kids with you. Her heart must be so broken.

 

suggest, you speak to a counsellor for your own personal development, perhaps you have some issues that you need to work on. Even if you go off with S, the same issues could re emerge...

[Bethany]

. I

It sounds like your wife will resent you for awhile - but will have more respect for you seeing how you were able to attract another woman. It's just human/animal nature. It's unlikely she'll take you for granted anytime soon if you do return.

 

I absolutely disagree. She will eventually HATE HIM and she will NEVER take him back if he continues to do this. Women don't respect a man who does that. They divorce them, move on and find someone who loves them and their children as their own.

 

Don't feel pity for your wife, she will be the winner in the end and find love again with a respectful man who loves her. and you will be a loser who will be regretting the mistakes in his life.

 

Bad move introducing your child to this other woman. When he is older, whether you leave your wife or not, he will remember and be extremely angry at what you have done to him and his mother, and will lose respect for you as a father who put his child in the middle of his affair.

[Ash]

I was in the same situation you were a few years ago. It took me a while to realize there is more going on that a simple decision.

 

Nobody can tell you what the right decision to make is. Nobody can take away the pain and anguish that you'll suffer trying to make that decision, and trying to live with it for a while afterward. I will tell you that there are a (scant) few of us who identify with the incredibly difficult place you are in.

 

On the (perhaps??) plus side at the moment, you don't really have to make a decision immediately as to what to do. Regardless of the fact you feel you are being pushed, and both of the women involved are highly emotional (as are you), the truth of the matter is neither of them is actually likely to force something with an ultimatum in the next few days (there is a chance I'm wrong of course, but your wife in particular will realize there is a lot at stake). You need to think about this very carefully and not make a decision you will reflect on as being wrong for the rest of your life.

 

That being said ... there is more than one thing going on here. There is a passionate affair which is driving you hard. There is also the status and state of your marriage leading up to the affair. They're two different things.

 

To answer yourself as to whether to leave your wife, you have to be able to judge your marriage on it's own merits at a time BEFORE all this happened. What I mean is, had the affair not happened, were you happy and fulfilled in your marriage? This is extremely hard to isolate right now.

 

But it comes down to something fairly simple. If you were living in a marriage that wasn't right, and something like this was bound to happen. If your wife and you weren't happy, if you weren't there for each other and weren't giving what each other needed then perhaps it was already time to consider ending the marriage. Another way of putting it, if you stayed, said goodbye to S, but were going back into a situation that wasn't good to begin with there will never be happiness.

 

If you were happy (truly happy) before, and just maybe this is a (huge!) blip, then you will more than likely return to happiness once things subside.

 

As I said, it can be very tricky to figure this out.

 

Other factors to consider that have become apparent to me after the fact. Although folks have varying opinions on how this affects the kids, I will tell you getting a separation agreement and divorce are expensive and gut-wrenching experiences. Neither you nor your wife is likely to enjoy the same standard of living you currently have unless S is prepared to kick in a large sum of money. There are hefty child and spousal support amounts to be considered.

 

Your kids will be in some turmoil. It's very possible one or more will gravitate to you and the others to your wife generating somewhat of a rift in your family. However, this may lead you to have a closer relationship with one or more of your kids then you previously had.

 

Your wife's family will likely hate you. Your family might have something to say about it. That may go either way. They may say surprisingly supportive things and make observations that they felt unable to improper to make when you were married.

 

You may find it incredible tough to move far from the kids. I think in your situation this is not an issue as it sounds like S is living close by.

 

If your wife and S start insulting and trashing each other it can make things tough. If S tries to drag down your wife, your natural reaction might be to defend her. Keep this in mind as it can cause automatic, somewhat protective reactions that can hide the true feelings you have. It can also reveal something about your wife's and S's characters you may not have seen before. If one becomes really nasty, you may want to consider whether you like that in them.

 

But as I said earlier, the decision must be more basic.

 

1. Is my marriage a situation I wish to be in regardless of how I feel about S.

 

And, if you decide to terminate marriage:

 

2. Is S somebody I wish to commit to long term or do I actually need time on my own to heal first.

 

Two distinct decisions, to be made in that sequence.

 

For what it's worth, I left my marriage, and it didn't work out with the person had an affair with. I had already determined though that my marriage had failed on its own merits and that's why I was looking for more. Had my marriage been good, the affair would not have happened. (I had moved out of the bedroom many years before the affair started)

 

However, it has been a long, expensive, painful process. We decided to separate in 2001, I moved out in 2003 and the sep. agreement is still being worked out. Don't go down that road unless you are sure about it.

[RayKay]

It sounds like your wife will resent you for awhile - but will have more respect for you seeing how you were able to attract another woman. It's just human/animal nature. It's unlikely she'll take you for granted anytime soon if you do return.

 

I have more respect for a man whom can attract other women and decide to be faithful and honest to me. I mean, I can attract other men, it does not mean I thereforeeee must follow through on that. Sorry, there is absolutely no respect in cheating, be it a male or female. None.

 

If she does take him back, it is HE whom should not be taken her for granted, as he is doing that now.

 

piers, you have received some excellent advice about how you must make a CHOICE and stick with it, and how if you choose your marriage you absolutely MUST cut off contact with S. It is true that this affair is devoid of any real life pressures, it is thriving on excitement, infatuation, novelty. You have yet to see how she would handle the pressures of you getting a divorce, of how she would be a stepmother to your children, of how she interacts with you when it comes to the day to day, how she will see you through illness, or financial strains. You say you have had a good marriage of 14 years....why are you throwing it away for something where the odds are definitely against it? Most of these relationships don't work out, as they are born from affairs, their are serious trust issues on both sides, and complications.

 

Your wife was willing to give you another chance - you either take that chance and by doing so honour her and do the right thing by giving it 100% and cutting S out of your life, or you turn it down and still honour her by letting her move on with her life, and risk the regret, and the effect it will also have on your children.

 

It's your choice, but you must make it and you cannot have both.

 

I get the sense you want the marriage, but not the sacrifices that will have to come with it - cutting off contact and perhaps having to move. What will you do if you choose S, and your wife and children move to another country?

 

If you truly were NOT happy in your marriage, perhaps this affair was a symptom of greater things going on inside it you were not ready to see yet. Perhaps it is time to part, but you must be honest with yourself and your wife about what you want.

 

Can you and your wife go to counselling together, and see what comes of that before you make a decision? (Cut off contact with S during this time and discuss the job thing in counselling).

[Pips Estella]

I beg you, stay with your wife.

 

If when you were married, you were genuinely in love, work through the problems, stay together. Your wife, and your children will thank you for it.

 

If you don't love your wife - why oh why did you marry and have children with her - well, divorce is inevitable and people are going to get seriously scarred.

 

Harsh words, perhaps. But I feel so strongly about this. My dad and my mum divorced, but they later confessed they'd got married as a kind of bet but both had residual feelings for others ... no wonder it failed!

 

But if you have had a good marriage from the offset, if you love your wife dearly and it's not some kind of protective feeling or pity that keeps you two together, work out why you are so strongly attracted to S, work out why you find your wife less attractive and WORK THROUGH YOUR PROBLEMS.

[Micwu_25]

If you decide to stay with your wife be reminded that she will be very resentful and insecured for a while. She will question your whereabouts every other minutes and you can forget about working in the same place with S. A big part of the reason she wants you to stay is due to her bruised ego. When given enough time to recover from that and enough resentment is built up over constant fighting(yes, that will happen because you will get tired of her questioning you all the time) she may decide you are not worth her time. I know because I was cheated on once. The reward of staying with your wife is of course you will get to stay with your children.

 

If you go with S things may not workout between you and her but at least you will never have to wonder "what if". However, you will also be dealing with an insecure woman. You are a cheater afterall and you can't ask her to be 100% comfortable about seeing your wife and kids without her around every otehr weekend.

 

So either way it will be tough. But whatever you do be a man, make your decision and don't change your mind agian...it's a torture. Again, I know because the one cheated on me couldn't make up her mind.

[WildChild]

As is expected you'll get a bunch of grief from others on this board who know nothing of what you're going through. quote]

 

OK, here is someone on this board that knows EXACTLY what it like to go through this.

 

I am not going to berate either one of you for what you are doing to your families. However I am going to give you just a piece of the spectrum and perspective from someone who's husband cheated on her and their two children, which in the end led to her divorcing his sorry * * * because he too couldn't decide who he wanted--->me.

 

Was our marriage always good? No. Did I marry him for better or for worse, through sickness and in health? Damn right I did. I was pregnant with our second child when I found out about the affair and it COMPLETELY devestated me. While I am raising our oldest and carrying his youngest, managing the home and finances, selling our home and buying a new one he was out having a grand old time with some young hot thing that had NO CLUE what it was like to have a family. She wasn't married, had no children, had no responsibilites, and had no idea what the SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE meant. How great for both of them. Carefree, no responsibilities, went on trips that we never went on, did things together we never could do.

 

The humiliation, devestation, disbelief the one you married could do this to you is absolutely undescribable. He wanted me, then he didn't. He would cut it off with her, and then they'd talk. She would call our house, come to our house with no respect to me and MY marriage. This just wasn't about him. This was about something that was being taken away from ME: my marriage, a home for our children, my children having both their parents to raise them under the same roof. I tried to forgive him, but he kept going back to her. No way was I going to continue to put me or our children through this so I filed for divorce. Even the day before our divorce he asked me to wait to see if things changed, she had just permanently moved up here that day so they could live together in the rental they picked out while he STILL married to me. Can you grasp that? Either one of you? I was forced to live in the basement of my best friend's house because he refused to stop seeing her or bringing her to our home.

 

Today is a whole other life. I am in a relationship with a man that I love. Although we have had our problems (hence why I joined this forum), I actually am glad the affair happened because I realized how much more I deserve than the hell my ex put me and my children through. They cry because they miss him when they are with me, and they cry because they miss me when they are with him. My tears have long sinced dried, but they will never know what it is like to live in a home with both of their biological parents.

 

You may be wondering at this point about what happened to my ex. He is alone. She was no different than me as he realized. It wasn't any fun anymore. REAL LIFE finally set into their relationship. Bills, arguments, who didn't clean the bathroom, kids fighting. She left him and went back to where she originally lived, they still see one another on occasion. Sadly for her he doesn't want to see her anymore at all and is doing the same thing to her that he did to me. Cheating and ignoring her till she will finally get the hint and leave him alone.

 

Karma has a way of working. What comes around, goes around and when it does it will come back ten fold.

 

So how is that for someone on this board that "doesn't know what you're going through."

[whatchamacallit]

Oh, Oh, Oh, piers! If only I could talk to you personally. Reading your post was like I wrote it myself for I was in exactly the same situation you're in now 2 years ago. I am further along in my mistake than you are. At this present time, I am going through the pain of inevitable severing of the relationship. PLEASE PLEASE turn back now before it's "too late"!!! I can't believe I'm telling you to do that, cause that's what I didn't do and the passion is overwelming. It's uncontrollable. It's unstoppable. But, in the end you will suffer mental anguish like you wouldn't believe. You won't be able to make a decision either way. This was my case. And I'm still in that predicament. I always rode the fence.

 

It started at work, we were both married. Me for 25 years, he for 13. I am 11 years older with 2 grown children. He has 2 small children 8 and 12. It started as friendship, going out for lunch, and on and on and on. Everything the former posts say is true. It is a fantasy. Real life happens. You are the one that will suffer the most because you have a family with children, the oldest one knows what's going on. I thought at the time, oh my children will come to love him and every thing will just be peachy. I don't know what in the world I was thinking!!!!! It won't be peachy. After the divorce, we moved in together. I bought a house where we both lived for about 9 months. After much frustration because of the different stages of life we were in, we decided to part living arrangements. His two boys are and will be in baseball full force which takes their father away from me. I've been there, done that. His ex-wife hates my guts, understandabally so. It's just a huge big mess. But, all the while to this day our feelings for each other are still strong and difficult to let go of. As a consequence, I am in an emotional trap. Still yearning for my family that I had that I have no more. And at the same time yearning for him. It hurts. You have to "pick your pain". Common sense says the pain of losing S. will be the much lesser pain in the long run. Since you have children. I was miserable in my 25 year marriage, but the consequences of my action makes me wish I had stayed just to keep my family intact.

 

I have to go now since I'm at work. I wish I could tell you more, but will try to later. I feel for you and urge you to use your head and not your heart in this matter. You can't see it now because of all the emotions. I know. Please, let's continue this post!

 

Whatchamacallit

[piers]

Bethany is right, probably about more than this, but certainly right that my wife won't respect me more for attracting another woman.

[whatchamacallit]

Pier,

 

LISTEN TO WILDCHILD! SHE IS TELLING YOU THE TRUTH FROM THE HURT SPOUSE POINT OF VIEW. The indecision alone will drive you NUTS!!!! Please listen to her!!! Thanks, WildChild.

 

Whatchamacallit

[dreamweaverdude]

Piers,

 

To some degree i can say i have been where you are so my advice is from the heart and experinece. Sounds like you have a lot of things going your way, you seem to have a job that is rewarding, you seemed proud of your house, you have wonderful children, and reading between the lines a forgiving wife.

 

I don't pretend to know where the breakdown occurred but for you to start looking elsewhere, something was not right in your marriage. It may have been simply on your side but something somewhere gave you the rationale to look elsewhere.

 

I'm usually not one to give direct advice but i feel in this case i know what i am talking about. Your feelings for S are real. No one doubts that. But S didn't raise your kids, and deal with all the issues of helping you get to where you are in life... your wife did. Don't get me wrong...... i was married 21 years before me and my wife parted way and it was not always a pretty sight, but from what I've read... you owe it your kids, your wife, and yourself to go to counseling and see if what was missing can be fixed and you and your family get back on the road to recovery.

 

One of the earlier posters is right, your feelings for S are strong. But dude, think about it... you were unfaithful to your wife to be with S.. what impression longterm do you think that will have with S. If he was unfaithful on her for me will he do me the same way. I mean the whole relationship is built on lies and deceipt to begin with.

 

Cut S out of your life. TODAY.

 

Either decide your marriage is worth saving or not. Then act on it. And don't ingore the counseling advice, I did for a long time and now i go ever so often. One of the best things i ever did. and i was stubborn about it for a long time.

 

Sounds like you have the chance to do what is right. But only you know what is right for you. Good Luck in your decision.

[piers]

So far thanks for the huge amount of advice. Its gratifying to get some help when I have almost noone to turn to. The clearest messages so far are: get counselling and give your wife a real chance.

 

Where I am least clear is on the why I did this in the first place?

Was our whole marriage built on sand? did I ever really love my wife? did we really have enough in common? should we have things in common?

I thought she was the love of my life, and made significant compromises in my lifestyle, effectively giving up my main hobby to be with her. However I was sure that was the recipe for a good marriage, sensible compromise.

The more coldly I analyse everything the less sure I am about anything. One thought that comes to mind is that I really don't see me having anything I want to do with my wife once the children leave. With S there would be loads as we share the same key interests.

My wife and I rarely even eat together, except at weekends, mainly as my job means I get home late.

[NJRon]

Well, I think those are all valid thoughts. However, it's not going to help for you to just mull them over yourself. You are not really in a position to think clearly. Which is why those questions can be better answered with the aid of an objective professional.

 

Good luck

[RayKay]

piers,

 

It's pretty common for a couple to "grow apart" as the children are being raised unless they make that commitment to keep their relationship with each other a priority as well.

 

Why did you give up your main hobby? Is there perhaps some resentment for that? You both should have your own hobbies and interests as well as ones together. Many couples, married or not, with children or not, tend to lose that aspect of what made them THEM in the first place, and that includes their passions and hobbies. Sometimes as time goes on, they are trying to "remember" whom they were again, and find that in others rather then together.

 

Perhaps you fell for S as she saw you as you WANTED to be seen by your wife, she saw you as a individual, as someone to be loved and given attention too.

 

These are things you can have with your wife, but you need to work on it and get back to there.

[avman]

It sounds to me like you might be rationalizing the affair. Trying to come up with reasons why your marriage isn't perfect. You need to make those decisions OUTSIDE the bounds of the affair. Otherwise you are biased and are not thinking clearly.

[piers]

. You have to "pick your pain". Common sense says the pain of losing S. will be the much lesser pain in the long run. Since you have children. I was miserable in my 25 year marriage, but the consequences of my action makes me wish I had stayed just to keep my family intact.

 

 

Thanks for your very welcome advice. I empathised very clearly with the words "pick your pain".

 

Basically I decided last weekend based on the 'pick your pain' principle, or rather a 'minimise the total pain' principle. I felt that S and I would suffer less total pain if we stopped than my wife, myself and my children would if I went to S. This seemed like a very good decision for around 18 hours and I felt relieved. Then I started suffering. After 36 hours I was almost physically out of control, if S hadn't spoken to me I would be camping outside her flat, waiting for her to return from her trip. I feel mentally ill, its truly pathetic, and I am sure appears utterly self indulgent.

[avman]

It is normal to grieve the loss of your lover. And it is unfortunately a grief you will have to bear silently on your own. Don't expect your wife to assist you. It is not her obligation. Use your friends, get some counseling, talk to your church if you have one, and use this experience to make you a better person.

 

You also will need to work on forgiving yourself. That is going to take time and is a separate issue from your wife forgiving you. Thats an issue you two will need to solve together.