Is it me...?

[ladyk]

I need some advice from those who can relate. This is going to be long, so please bear with me. I am married with a wonderful kid. I've been married for a over a decade. And I feel I am not happy. Because I feel my husband's priority is not his family (even though he says it is). Our lives is so routine. He spends more time in the computer than with us. I appreciate greatly when he spends time with us but his time is limited because he can't wait to get back in the computer (that's what I feel and see). I also get frustrated when I multi-task by cooking, feeding my son and cleaning the house while he's in the computer. He will help when he hears or sees me with my frustration. He does not have "his own chore". I wish he would step up. It's a big deal to me when he tries to spend time with us because it's seldom that he does. I've been trying to understand that his hobby is computer game. I want him to be happy. Please explain to me what is a hobby? Is it an activity that you like doing because it's fun on your spare time? I remember ny husband telling me that he likes to spend time alone by playing his computer game (online) but that time alone is about 70% of not being with his family (quality or quantity time). I feel quilty seeing him when he watches TV with us but I know his mind is focused on how to get in the computer because that's more fun for him. Do I just let him do what he wants and we'll just wait when he's ready for a family time with us? I guess I am jealous when I see family doing whatever together. Also I am just a simple person. Not materialistic, can be happy with anything (except for this problem understanding my husband's priority). I want this marriage to work. I don't know if my husband has a family plan for us. I wish he would be more actively involve with us. We seldom do anything on a weekend (considering the weather). I would suggest to do something but I feel guilty that he has to give up computer game to spend time us. Am I the problem here because I am not fully supporting my husband (to have his computer game time) or am I expecting too much on this family relationship. We have talked about this before and it works at first and forgets what happens next. Please anyone enlighten me with reasonings on how should I handle this situation.

[ThE_ReJecT]

hey, im 17 and my dad is hooked on computer games as well and spent no time with the family. him and my mom got divorced a while back and they are both re-married but he still plays computer games all the time when he can. he tries to spend a little more time with his new family but it's hard because he likes to always have something to do and keeping himself busy (he use to always read and build his car) but he found the computer and that's been his hobby for quite a few years now and he actually got my brother and i into it but overall i dont really know what to tell you because he is most likely like my dad and just can't get away from it.

[HaloDestroyer]

Have you told him?

 

I mean, the simple thing would be to have a talk with him, alone, and just say that you're unhappy. Tell him that you feel his hobby is infringing on your relationship, and that you're scared.

 

If he is worth his salt, he will listen and act appropriately.

 

A few years ago, I was clinically addicted to a computer game. I spent 16-22 hours a day, on the same game. A concoction of anti-depressants and other medications allowed me release. My point is, that it can become more than a hobby!!

 

I still play 2-3 hours a night, even though I don't really have the time.

 

You need to make it clear, right now, that you feel threatened by the computer games.

 

Hope this helps...

[novaseeker]

I agree that you need to make your needs known and set some boundaries.

 

Gaming is a fine hobby, it's become a major form of entertainment. I myself game online, and it's great fun, but really limit it to 2 hours or so a night given other things I want/need to do in the real world.

 

I think that the key is setting expectations for family time and setting limits to the amount of time spent on his hobby. The idea should be a balance between personal time for hobbies and the like and collective time for family, both chores/work and enjoyment with the family.

[RandomAdvisor]

I too have some experience with playing online games quite a lot, and I also agree that you should sit down with him at a calm time and speak to him about this.

 

Dividing household chores is something that should be done. His family should be his priority, not a computer game. Ideally, I think it would be best if you two can find a hobby that you do together to have fun with.

[ladyk]

He is aware that he spends more time in the computer than with us. He also wished that I can be interested with his game so we have something that we do together. I wish I can, too, but my priority is taking care of my son and other things. I probably be also addicted to the game which will be bad at my son's expense. I can hardly sometimes have time for myself like being online.

[RandomAdvisor]

He might be aware that he spends more time with the game than you, but you need to sit him down and make him understand how much this upsetting you and affecting your marriage.

 

I think you giving the game a try is a good idea. You just might enjoy it. Playing an online game doesn't necessarily mean you have to be addicted to it. Many people are able to budget their time between real life priorities and online fun.

 

Approximately how many hours does he play this game a day?

[ShySoul]

There is nothing wrong with having a hobby or playing computer games. However, when it becomes so serious that he would rather be on it then with his family, that is a problem. A few years ago my mother had a similar problem with being addicted to the internet. And it really hurt.

 

He may say he realizes the problem, but he isn't willing to change. You aren't asking to much and you need to tell him how much it hurts you. Show him this post even. He needs to see how serious this is and how hurt you are. Then maybe a compromise? You agree to spend some time on the computer with him, trying to understand his hobby, while he takes time away from the came to do something as a family as you want. And he can't mention the computer games while he is with the family.

 

How long does he spend a day? It may be too much time and isn't healthy for him.

[Scout]

I think you giving the game a try is a good idea. You just might enjoy it. Playing an online game doesn't necessarily mean you have to be addicted to it. Many people are able to budget their time between real life priorities and online fun.

 

Yeah, but her husband isn't one of those people. He's hooked, it sounds like. And now he wants her to join his addiction so she'll quit nagging him about it. Guess who pays for that? Their son, who will be neglected when both their parents are constantly on the computer playing some game.

[ShySoul]

Just because she tries to play the game for awhile, doesn't mean she will be addicted as well and the child will suffer.

 

Maybe set the child to a quiet activity to keep him entertained (how old is the child?). Or wait until the child has gone to sleep and then give it a try for a half hour or something. Then as you've done that for him, get him to do something for you. Try to get him away from the game gradually.

 

And if that doesn't work, then you may want to consider looking up info on gaming addictions and seeing what they recommend doing.

[Scout]

So are you saying that if she plays computer games with her husband, that will lessen the overall amount of time he spends playing them? I'm just wondering if that's what you mean, and if so, how you came to that conclusion.

 

I personally think the guy's addicted, plain and simple, and he needs to face it rather than try to get her to participate, too. While he's mesmerized by these games, his child is going without some much-needed attention from his father.

[ShySoul]

I agree Scout. I think he is addicted and is ignoring his family. I'm just trying to come up with a way to talk to him that he is more likely to listen to. I said my mom would spend hours online and I tried the direct approach, telling her she had a problem. She refused to admit it. Like any addiction, the person isn't go to up and admit to it. So I'm thinking of slowly working him away from it. Making a deal like that gives them a chance to be together, as he would be on the computer anyways, they could do it together. And it the argument would force him to take time away as well. Maybe if he got out with them more and had a good time, he would start to appreciate it and prefer it. And I would only do that when the kid wouldn't be ignored, as when he is already asleep.

 

Believe me, I know how it feels to not have a father pay attention to you. And its not something that is good. Hurts. I really hope he does stop that behavior or gets help and starts seeing that is family is more important then some computer game ever could be.

[Scout]

Thanks for taking my question as it was meant, ShySoul - I was just curious if her joining him would really help. But yeah, I too know what it's like to be neglected attention-wise from a parent, and it can have some seriously negative effects.

 

The problem is, the Internet can be extremely addictive - from chat sites to online games. I know I'm on the computer too much, but have tried to start setting firm time lines for myself that I will be on it, and then get off of it.

[Darketernal]

Your hubby is married to the computer and not to you. As harsh as it sounds its the reality of the situation. You have to realise that computering is a 'addiction' and the reality of the situation is that your husband has the feeling that 'the outside world has nothing to offer me'. He does really love you, and want to be with you. But in a ranking system you rank 2# and the computer rank's 1#.

 

My mom had the same problem, what she did was 'NOT ACCEPT IT' , my dad is forced to spend time together with my mom for at least 2 hours a day, he still gets to be behind his computer, but since he can't set a boundry my mom set a boundry. And i believe you should do this too, because if you two aren't together during your marriage you might as wel be divorced.

 

In the end it takes two, him and you. And marriage is a investment of love from BOTH sides, he should do his part, you should do your part. That way your marriage won't be a one way road as it is now.