Jealous Parent

[Jinx]

Recently, I've spent a deal more time going between University and Hometown due to situations at home.

 

At the moment, my mother has been ill and having to go for IV/Blood infusions (I believe that is the right name of the procedure) so I've been at home to help.

 

Since this began I've been spending a lot of time with my mother because no one else seems to care except me in the family. Of course this is causing a tad bit of family tension to say the least.

 

My father has became extremely jealous that my mother has been spending time on outtings and whatever else with me instead of staying home all the time he is home. My father and I, were not on good terms in the first place, there was a great deal of animosity between us to start with, and it has only grown. He wanted to control my life, career plans, marriage, life. Just about everything he could, and I did not choose the career path he wanted me to, I'm not going to be married off and be a stay at home mother like he wanted so that was shot.

 

Now when I am home he swings from hot to cold on me. One moment he'll be kind and curious (or at least pretends to be may be more appropriate) about my plans and quietly nod and carry on. That isn't a problem to me, the problem is the next ten minutes he'll be carrying on about how I can never accomplish anything in life and why bother, women cannot be psychologists they're too emotional and men are the only ones who should be employed, they're the only ones that can be trusted to actually follow through and that I'll find some man get married and be where I should be soon and that I should just start looking because longer I wait less there is that will want me.

 

Back on topic, when my mother does want to be close and work with him, he becomes cold and makes comments that she is just forcing herself to act like that, and he was already alienated and she should go over and spend time with me like she always does.

 

When she isn't around he'll talk negative about her and I make my statement that it is him that is causing the problems cut and clear and that I'm here for her because no one else seems to be. They treat everything like it is an everyday thing and nothing too special. I often wonder if I'm missing something, major. Of course these comments are often followed up by his threat never to speak to me again and it won't affect him because I'm not important enough to talk to. Then, oh say, about three hours later this is followed up by him trying to have a conversation with me. So much for that.

 

It is hard to get support from the family and friends. The female side of my family does not care for him because of his chauvinistic views on everything, women are inferior in general. Whereas men on his side of the family praise him for being such a stable supporting gentle husband but standing his ground. We have a massive difference in viewpoints.

 

As for friends, he is an extreme charmer for the public, he'll act like their best most concerned friend and make people just love him, then when he is around a family member he will completely rip these people that trust him, using slurs and insulting their intelligence and methods of living. I'll tell people we don't get along, but then they'll talk to him and he'll praise me like I was the favorite child (in reality, not by a long shot) and take all the credit for plans I've pursued and everything I've earned, it was all his ideas and inspiration and is my guiding light. Yes, a lot of nonsense, but people believe it.

 

Then if that approach doesn't get enough attention, he'll go the self pity route with people and I haven't seen both fail yet on a person.

 

I suppose all in all it is frustrating, and I had to live with it constantly for years (he is and always has the habitual bickering "trait" as do most of the male members of our family), moved out and now its back again. I'm not the favorite family member either because I'm different (Atheist) and given the extreme religious base, so there isn't a lot in the way of support because people just cannot conceive the idea that he could possibly ever be like that after having met him.

 

This ended up being more of a rant post in the end, but if anyone has comments on a similar situation to possible stress helpers for such a situation it would be nice to have at hand.

 

Edited: You just have to love typos...

[Miss M]

Sweetheart, I really feel for you. Your father sounds a whole lot like my mother. Sorry to say I know just how awful it is to be the offspring of a parent like this. And as you already know, this is a very difficult relationship for many reasons. I think you should definitely try as much as possible to not take the bait, and try not to argue with him. Sounds like he thrives on being disagreeable, and anytime you disagree it just gives him more reasons to argue. And nothing good comes from trying to reason with a person like that except that you just end up even more frustrated. Have you ever considered just letting him talk without giving him a response at all? Maybe just a blank stare? He might slow down a little if he has nothing to push against.

 

To counter the negative effects, and for the sake of your sanity, try to spend as much time as you can around people who validate you, and in environments that nurture you emotionally. And try to keep a mindset and way of being that allows you to honor your own truth as much as possible.

 

Wishing you all the best and sending you lots of (((Hugs))).