At what point, is rock bottom?

[Jjasonn28]

Hey all.

 

I was pretty sure, on several occasions that I had hit rock botom. Convincing myself, it can only get better... then WHAM I fall further.

 

Today is another. This hole im in, just seems to be getting deeper. For a few days, ive smiled. Ive felt a little confidence creep back, and started looking forward to waking up again. But tonight, the light above, got further away.

 

The evening started out well. Ive been playing hockey friday nights, and its been so fun. Like a session of therapy really. I look forward to it every week, because its one of the only things right now that makes me just foget. Well, tonight I was injured. I am a goalie, and Im not exactly sure what I did yet, but I am in extreme pain... I twisted my leg the wrong way, and now it hurts to lift it, move it, twist it..

 

But anyways, driving home, I began to think. (I know, NOT GOOD). I am going home, in agony, to nothing. I will be in pain, and no one will be there to try to make me feel better. I then started to think back to when the former gf and I were still together, and the times that we had taken care of eachother when we were sick, or injured.. (We went through a scare that she might have had MS) But thats another story.

 

So here I am, driving my truck down the wintery road, with hockey gear in the back, crying like a baby. I felt SO bad for myself. But then for some reason, I stopped, and realized my situation.

 

Self pity. God I'm so disgusted with myself. Before I met her, I ALWAYS delt with physical pain like a 'man'. You know, stubbornly deny any pain, make it worse and move on. During our relationship, she showed me, and I learned to show genuine compassion for eachother. Yeah she softened me up I guess, but I am so very thankful for it...

 

So could THIS be rock bottom? I realize that self pity is probably a normal feeling when dealing with brake ups, but I caught myself. I realized that I was doing it, and I had to tell myself, 'gawwd shaaaaddduuup!!'

 

Please let this be the bottom... I dont want to hurt anymore, I dont want to cry. I want to be confident in tomorrow, and look forward to the next step.

 

thanks for listenin.

 

JP

[friscodj]

JP-

 

Oh man, I'm sorry about your injury. I was so happy that you had an escape with hockey, but now, on the injured reserve list...I am truly sorry...perhaps you could use this opportunity to pick up another non-physical hobby? Something you've always wanted to do but never went and did it? To keep your mind occupied if nothing else? And if things don't work out with your lady, at least you can credit her with giving you this cool new hobby...

 

Jason, I think you are beginning to figure it out. You've got to love and take care of yourself too! You are going home to something...you! What a better person to go home to? That's what you've got to think...

 

I'm familiar with your situation, and I have to say I think there might be more to go through before you really bottom out. You're still trying to figure out a path to take with all this, and I sense that clarity is just beginning to come to you. I think you are hovering around the bottom, circling it with up-and-down dips here and there, but in order to really BANG! hit the bottom and start rising up, you need to figure out what you want to do and pull the trigger. When the reality of that hits, I think you will hit rock bottom, and you will feel new feelings and levels of feelings but will start your ascent back to life much faster...

[spunkykatt]

I think you have turned a major corner, when you begin to relize what your doing to yourself, and see that its not doing any good, then you can start to control it, and begin moving on. I have been married twice, and neither one worked out, so I know if I can overcome that then you can overcome this. I have been kinda keeping up with you and a few others on here and I can say that from what I have read you are slowly making your way back out of that deep hole you was in. I really think your gonna be ok, and sure there will be more bad days..sometimes when you least expect it, but there is going to be good days too, and those good days will start to out number the bad...until eventually you wake up and think..."huh, wonder what ever happened to whats her name" then as quick as it enters your mind its gone. Trust me on this, it does get better.

[crossflow]

sounds to me like your doing pretty ok and far from rock bottom. I've been reading your posts over the last few weeks and you have been way lower than this so I'd say you are climbing your way back up not down.

 

It's pretty normal to look back retrospective and how things would have been different if you were still together but your not, you at least acknowledge that. Self pity is just a normal emotion when you feel things are crap but you know that's not the way you want to be feeling because you realised that yourself and you dealt with it.

 

On the plus side is great you are doing hockey and getting back out there and the fact you have been enjoying it and smiling about it again would say you are on your way back up.

 

Just admit the stupid things we all do such as feeling sorry for ourself as normal and stupid and hang on to the positive changes you are feeling.

 

Someone once said to me , only we are responsible for our feelings no one else can make you feel the way you do and I truly believe that. I use to think my ex made me really angry when she pulled one of her stunts on me, but now I realise I was the one that was making me feel angry, she was just pulling a stunt. I chose to deal with that with anger but now I don't.

 

When she pulls a stunt on me now and trust me she pulls them nearly every day, I just let it go. I choose not to get upset by what she does to me and it makes it a lot easier to deal with and really helps me to get over her.

 

I stopped beating myself up a long time ago when I realised that I was chosing to do that to myself. I think you just realised the same thing.

 

I'm happy to expand on this if it helps, it's just a technique I learnt on retraining your emotions, similar to training a horse to take a different path.

 

It works really well for me and made a huge difference to dealing with the pain of my breakup

[Blue In Texas]

Hey JP. I agree with the others, you are far from rock bottom. But remember that the pain comes in waves, so your progress will never be linear. When a bad wave comes, ride it out. It might feel like you are back at square 1, but in reality, over time the waves become fewer and further between.

 

And to Crossflow, I would be very interested if you were to start a thread on your emotional retraining technique.

[WildChild]

First I have to laugh about how before you used to be able to handle the pain. For the love of man kind people...mainly men...it is OK to say ouch when something is painful! I know society has taught men to not show pain, but it doesn't mean you are less of a man because you express it! It sounds like you really twisted your leg bad (beyond a normal pull) and probably should see a dr...especially if you are serious about continuing your hockey.

 

Crossflow hit a point that no one can make you feel anything, we are responsible for our own thoughts and emotions. However it doesn't take away from when someone does something they know will cause hurt or pain to someone and they intentionally inflict bad behavior. Blue in TX is completely right on the mark that your emotions will wax and wain. I have said it before: take every minute of every day as a challenge to yourself. Each day will get better and the bad days or moments will become less and less. It is the cycle of healing. One minute you're up and the next your down. But the minutes will eventually turn to hours and then days. And when you hit a low, remember it is only temporary and you WILL get through it. You've made it this far! And as for crying, I believe crying cleanses your soul. Hang in there and for God's sake if your leg isn't better by Monday, go see your doc OK?

[hosswhispra]

Hello JP,

 

Hope you are feeling better this morning. If you are having trouble moving your leg still--I think it would be best to go visit the doc. I do hope everything is well with you today. Hang in there.

 

hosswhispra

[photomo]

For me, rock bottom happened on New Year's Eve. New Year's Day was my 23rd birthday, and although I wasn't with my ex, I was determined to have a good time. I gave my mobile to my mate so he could hide it - I didn't want to get upset if my ex called (or didn't call) to say happy birthday/happy new year.

 

So, the night began with celebrations at my place, and I was doing birthday shots of vodka. I was given a bottle of champagne, and had most of that too. I was having a good time! We then went to some club...and I was being nice, talking to everyone, wishing them happy new year. Some girl's bf didn't like me greeting her, and knocked me to the floor. I then got kicked out of the club for apparently being in a fight! I did nothing to retaliate, yet it was me who got kicked out, not him.

 

I argued with the guys on the door, showing them my ID to prove it was my birthday, and explaining that I didn't have my phone on me to call my mates - so all I asked them for was to just get my mates out so we could go on elsewhere. They refused. So being drunk, I kept asking them! They called the police, so I explained the story to them....and they arrested me!

 

I spent New Year's Eve and my 23rd birthday in the back of a police van all night, whilst my friends were none the wiser, celebrating without me!

 

That's when I knew I had hit rock bottom. It was the worst night of my life! It is ironic that my ex managed to ruin my night without even saying anything. Although it is not her fault directly, I still blame her for it, because if I had my mobile on me, I would have been able to call my mates!

 

When I was sitting alone in the back of that van, I did some serious thinking. I tried to look at myself as if I was sitting opposite.....I looked at myself and saw myself as a wreck, and knew something had to be done. In my drunken state, I decided that NC was the only option I had left, as I had done everything to try and win her back. So, when I next saw her a week later, I told her to leave me alone, and it has been 6 weeks of NC since.

 

In some way, I am pleased I had a bad new year, as I now know that things can only get better for myself. I think someone needs to hit rock bottom in order to realise that they are better off without the ex, and to begin the healing process.

[Jjasonn28]

Hey everyone!

 

Thanks for all your replies! Wow, its so nice to have the support of so many people.

 

Realizing last night, what I was doing to myself was sort of a slap in the face, a tiny wake up call if you will. Since the beginning of the end, ive been trying my best to be conscious of all the negative reactions, emotions and actions that are expected to come with this healing. Sometimes, I feel really good, and others, I just get so lost...

 

It comes in waves

 

Nothing is more true. And this morning is another example of that. Its such a beautiful day outside, and I am feeling pretty good. As for my leg, thats another story. Im positive I didn't pull a muscle, I think its deeper than that.. not a break or anything, but possibly a tendon. If by monday it still hurts this much, I'll see a doctor.

 

And on a side note, she called this morning. Woke me up as a little joke, and asked why I wasn't on my way yet... She knows that when I'm in the early stages of the morning, Im just lost. (I'm NOT a morning person.) So for a few seconds, I thought that maybe I forgot that I was supposed to see her. Its something she used to do to me in fun. And despite everything, I had a little laugh with her. Her main reason for calling, was that she was thinking of me last night and 'just wanted to hear my voice'. Midterms are upon her, and she is beginning to stress.

 

So, far from bottom. I can't be sure, but Im hoping that Im headed in the right direction. I'll tell you though, I am far from being over her. So a part of me is scared, and trying to be prepared for a few more falls.

 

Thanks for all the support guys. Im gonna have a great day today.

 

JP

[friscodj]

And on a side note, she called this morning. Woke me up as a little joke, and asked why I wasn't on my way yet... She knows that when I'm in the early stages of the morning, Im just lost. (I'm NOT a morning person.) So for a few seconds, I thought that maybe I forgot that I was supposed to see her. Its something she used to do to me in fun. And despite everything, I had a little laugh with her. Her main reason for calling, was that she was thinking of me last night and 'just wanted to hear my voice'. Midterms are upon her, and she is beginning to stress.

 

Oh man Jason, this is one tough situation you are in here. I do not envy your situation at all. I have to ask the question again...why exactly aren't you guys together?????

 

As much as I hate to say this, it really sounds to me like this woman is using you for comfort and support for her own needs, and you are letting her do this. I know we've discussed this before, but this situation is not helping your healing process or helping the relationship move forward. It's like you guys are stuck in a holding pattern over an airport waiting to land or continue your flight...and sooner or later...the plane is going to run out of gas...and crash...

 

I think you should talk to her about getting back together. Tell her you really love her, you've been doing a lot of thinking, have identified and are working through your issues which caused the relationship to end last time. You don't want to cloud the situation with sympathy or chivalry by telling her how much you've been hurting and longing for her. That can cause decisions to be made about getting back together for the wrong reasons. This is your best bet off getting back together I think...

 

Please consider it Jason, I read your posts and everytime I shake my head in sadness for you...love yourself too man...

[Jjasonn28]

Oh man Jason, this is one tough situation you are in here. I do not envy your situation at all. I have to ask the question again...why exactly aren't you guys together?????

 

You know, this is where the majority of my confusion stems from. Im not 100% sure. The closest I have come to a reason, is this. She has had a rough past with relationships. Family and otherwise. She has always been shrouded in fear of being hurt, used, taken advantage of... I guess recently, she had a 'self discovery'. She found the confidence to break away from the past, and move forward. Unfortuneately, although I am not directly related to those negative experiences, she somehow still sees me as being tied to that past.

 

Now I'm sure there is more to it than this. But like I said, its the only thing that I can for sure say is at least a 'part' of why we aren't together. Those were the words from her mouth the day we walked away.

 

Yup, still love her. And I know, she still loves me. Victims of circumstance? Wrong timing? Who knows. I refuse to beg and plead and try to force answers from her. But I also refuse to walk away. Thats why we are where we are.

 

Yes, eventualy one day either we'll run out of gas, find different airports to land at, or land together.. Who knows. I guess for now i'll continue circling, and do my best to fight the turbulance.

 

JP

[Echo]

Hey J!

 

I recently signed up on MySpace, and have been getting a LOT of hits and replies. It's a cool way to meet new people who might be of interest to you. I thought this might be something you could do while you heal your leg. I know a lot of people call it a "meat market", but so what? It's no different than if you went to a bar or club looking to impress someone. I like Myspace because it allows you to accept or deny anyone you wish to talk to. If they request to be on your friends list..you can check them out first. If you're already on there, disregard this I just thought it might be a distraction

for you while going through this rough patch.

 

Good luck to ya!!

[friscodj]

Your assessment of her tying you to the past is spot-on. I've seen that happen before. I think if you guys ultimately get back together, it would help if she saw a counselor about this, her rough past, and the fears associated with it...

 

At any rate, Jason, the purpose of this site is to get a lot of information, insights, and opinions from different people, taking all of that, and making decisions for yourself. It sounds like you've done that, man, and I'm behind you...keep us posted on your progress...

 

P.S. You asked about rock bottom? I'm over here immersed in an Olympic women's curling match and eating cold macaroni and cheese...that might be the bottom...yikes...

[Echo]

LMAO Fris...COLD macaroni??? AWWWWWWWWW...

[friscodj]

LMAO Fris...COLD macaroni??? AWWWWWWWWW...

 

I know dude, pathetic... The next step is hiding under the kitchen table with some cold pizza, stale beer, a couple cheesecakes, and a carton of Marlboro's...loneliness and hopelessness won't want to have anything to do with me there...