I told the ex goodbye

[curlygirl47]

I was trying to do NC for two weeks before making a final decision, but the whole Valentine's build-up was getting to me, and then the ex called to tell me he had something small for me for V-Day "because you're a sweetheart," and I just decided I needed to do this now. So I called him up and asked him if he had anything to say to me, and he kind of beat around the bush and just kept saying that his feelings were telling him one thing (he wants to be with me) but his head was saying another (he's "just not ready"), so I finally said, "Okay. Well, I don't want to just be one of the women you sleep with, P. I don't want to be one of your "friends" --- you've got plenty of friends. I can be alone; I've been alone for a long time anyway. But I'm not going to have you in my bed knowing you are also going to bed with other women (he said, "I haven't been doing that, T.) I didn't respond. I'm also leaving town because I don't want to be here and run into you with other women, etc. He said that he wished I wouldn't do that, but I assured him I will, as soon as I can find a job. I said I won't be leaving for at least 2 1/2 to 3 more months, so if anything changes, let me know. Otherwise, let's just stay on our opposite sides of town, and I would appreciate it if you didn't bring a date into the one bar at which I now hang out --- you can have the rest of the town and all the places we used to go. Please just show me a little respect, as I'm not going to be getting over this anytime soon. When I love, I love hard, I don't hold back, and I don't just get over it and move on to the next guy. I hope that you and T. (his son) are very happy and that you find the kind of life and love and happiness that you want. I ended by saying that last Monday night when we were together was a wonderful happy time and that all of our trips to Aiken and all of our time together were great memories for me, and that I couldn't imagine being any happier, and that I hoped he would take that knowledge with him.

 

I don't know how I feel about this today; I'm up and down. In a way I feel lighter, not having any expectations (but do I really not have any?) I guess there will always be some hope --- until I leave town, anyway. But at least I won't feel like I'm waiting around for the next time he wants to see me and then not call for a week or two. I let him know how much that hurt, and that it was wrong and inconsiderate. He listened very patiently and quietly and agreed with me and said that he needed to hear everything I had said. God, I hope I made the right decision. On the other hand, if I wanted to change my mind, I think he'd see me again. So maybe I actually got some power by doing what I did. I don't know.

 

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you --- let's just spread as much love as we can today and get the day over with quickly, huh?

[curlygirl47]

I couldn't do things exactly according to the Perfect Plan; I just didn't have it in me, and this way felt more natural and more like me --- but I didn't cry or even sniffle, and I was very calm and together.

[NJRon]

I think you did great. You were honest, yet firm with your feelings and I think that shows respect. It's always tough to give that cake up, but you'll be better for it.

[curlygirl47]

I was afraid you would frown on my "wearing my heart on my sleeve" to the ex. But, really, I'm glad I didn't put on an act. This is the real me, and damn it, he'll have to love me the way I am or forget it. So ... Valentine's Day or not, I've got work to do. My best to you, and I hope you get some love today!

[solo34]

Yes, I 2 wear my heart on my sleeve, AND I'm a man. My recent ex has hurt my heart in a way I thought that I couldn't be hurt. Love is the hardest thing that I know of...harder than diamond, steel, or any rock. Take care, it's an everyday struggle, and I'm going through it myself.

 

-solo34

[blues_belter]

Curly--- you did just fine- he has to respect you for it. Do not second guess yourself on this one- you laid it all out there and if he's the right one for you at this right time, he will realize what he needs to do to get you.

 

I think you shocked the hell out of him with some backbone!! Don't look back! Just look ahead - with or without him you are just fine.

[curlygirl47]

You've come a long way over the past few weeks, so I guess I can do that too. I'm just starting all over. But at least I did show that I had some self-respect (and, by the way, P. said he has tremendous respect for me). Okay, let me get back to work. I swear I hardly want to do anything but stay on this forum and crawl into the bed or drink myself silly today. I need to work on the California job application and also look at some others.

[hosswhispra]

So maybe I actually got some power by doing what I did. QUOTE]

 

Hey Curlygirl47,

 

You empowered yourself by speaking your thoughts and feelings to P. You have your self respect. Congratulations, Curlygirl47---stay strong, girl.

 

Prayers,

hosswhispra

[solo34]

Exactly....keep doin' what you're doin' CurlyGirl!!

 

-Solo34

[curlygirl47]

If you can bear it, take a look at my post on Calgary's thread about Valentine contact. Otherwise, you skeptics just shake your wise heads and move on. I kept my NC for about two hours yesterday before calling the ex again, seeing him last night, pouring out my heart, etc. The good news is that I felt the whole thing was cathartic and I don't think I'll need to do it again. The feeling of "should I tell him this, should I pretend that, is over. I've done it. And he wants to talk again, and admitted that he has never fallen in love like this before and just doesn't know how to handle it, and he is very jealous of other guys and can't stand the thought of anyone touching me. So much for No Contact. I'm starting over again today, but will expect a call from him as soon as he has ruminated over it all.

 

Solo, dearest, I wasn't a brave soul --- but I feel so relieved I hope that counts for something.

[NJRon]

Just be careful I am really addicted to Train Wrecks...

[solo34]

CurlyGirl, as long as U learned from your breaking the NC rule and U now know that it's over, then you're alright. Just don't keep letting this go back and 4th. U MUST stop allowing contact. My ex left me, she broke it off, and I found out she has a new man. Of course it KILLS me 2 think of them 2 being intimate, but obviously they are. It's part of a relationship, and although it kills me, it's a fact of life. Maybe your man isn't mature enough 2 handle his mistakes. Give it time, and maybe in the future he can be blessed with another chance with U. He must prove 2 U over time that he is worthy of the chance. Don't let him get 2 U in the mean time, CurlyGirl.

 

-Solo34

[curlygirl47]

When I said, it's over, I've done it --- what I meant was that my act of passionate declaration is over, not that the relationship is over. I don't think we've said that at all, at least not yet. And I'm not ready to refuse contact, but I'll do my best to keep from making any, and it feels easier not to do it now that I've unloaded my heart, found out that he does in fact miss me a great deal and feels terrified because he is deeply in love. Now he knows my level of feeling for him more than ever, and because of all his insecurities and suspicions about whether anyone can really love him, I think he will feel more confident now, too. That may seem like a bad thing to some of you, but despite his bravado, this is a very insecure man who needs a lot of reassurance and trust. He was hurt very badly by his divorce; his wife was caught with another man. Anyway, I think all the pretense and saying I'm fine and the subtleties just weren't working for us. One way or the other, we'll have to be in the frying pan until we either burn up or come out smelling like something good to eat, in one piece. We're both emotional, and I think it's just going to take each of us getting to the bottom of our emotions. Two rules, though, that I'm trying to stick by: At all times honor and respect yourself, and love your ex 100%. These have helped me. Never have I begged and said don't leave me, I can't live without you, or anything that pathetic. I did say, please don't give up on us, and that's about as pathetic as I got --- well, besides the gasping choking sobs. He said I've never seen you like this. I think it shocked him into seeing the depth of my feelings. One thing's for damn sure; he now has to know that I love him.

 

Now, I've got work to do --- lot's of it. And yes, I am listening to you. It may take a while to sink into my brain, but I'll keep what I can of what you say and apply it. Maybe this is the most vulnerable you will see me on the post. My WonderWoman alterego may arrive at any moment.

[majord23]

With all due respect curlygirl, you seem to be going around in circles and there seems to be an expectation on your part that your ex (by coming back to you) is the one with the power to break it.

 

Not so - you are the only one that can break the cycle. From reading your posts, it looks like you take action...feel satisfied...become frustrated...take action....feel satisfied...etc. etc.

 

I've been there, and as long as the actions you take and the words you say have the underlying motivation to 'wake your ex up', you may as well be banging your head against a brick wall.

 

Walk away, and walk away now. Cut off contact completely and don't expect him to call you. Give up hope and draw a line under the relationship. If, and I repeat IF he is to come back...it will be then.

[solo34]

AMEN...

 

-Solo34

[curlygirl47]

Remember this song?

 

I've got a song I ain't got no melody

How'm I gonna sing it with my friends

I've got a song I ain't got no melody

How'm I gonna sing it with my friends

 

Will it go round in circles

Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky

Will it go round in circles

Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky

 

I've got a lil story aint' got no moral

Let the bad guy win every once in a while

I've got a lil story ain't got no moral

Let the bad guy win every once in a while

 

Hee hee. You're probably right. I've almost made it through my whole first day of the new NC, though.

[majord23]

Remember this song?

 

I've got a song I ain't got no melody

How'm I gonna sing it with my friends

I've got a song I ain't got no melody

How'm I gonna sing it with my friends

 

Will it go round in circles

Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky

Will it go round in circles

Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky

 

I've got a lil story aint' got no moral

Let the bad guy win every once in a while

I've got a lil story ain't got no moral

Let the bad guy win every once in a while

 

Hee hee. You're probably right. I've almost made it through my whole first day of the new NC, though.

 

lol, stat strong curly - you've got it in you.

[curlygirl47]

Now I'm counting the hours. Not really. I'm just leaving class and noticed the time. I'm heading home to try yet again to get a pill down my cat's throat. This morning she scratched and bit me, and it was just impossible. She's supposed to have three a day and I've yet to get one down her. At lunch, I put it in her food and she just licked around it. My friend who has several cats says I just have to wrap her extremely tight in a blanket or something, even if it hurts her somewhat, so nothing but her neck is exposed, and then wear gloves, squeeze her jaws, force her head back, and get the job done. Wish me luck! After that ordeal, I'm going out to have a drink and play pool, I think.

 

You guys and ladies are the greatest. I don't feel so lonely about my neurosis when you are "around". I think if you could wrap me up in a blanket, tight, and force a "get over your ex" pill down my throat, you would be happy!! I'm fighting all the way, scratching and biting and hissing, I guess.

[majord23]

Hey curlygirl,

 

You might appreciate this link:

 

 

[curlygirl47]

Last night was a terrible ordeal. It sounds so easy to just say "wrap up the cat", etc. Oh, my god. I would just get her wrapped up and got her jaws open with my left hand, I would have to let go of her with my right hand to put the pill down her throat, and her paws would come out and she would scratch the hell out of me. We did this for about ten minutes until she finally just escaped. The good news is that she had gone hungry all day yesterday (I was hoping this might work as a back-up plan), so I completely powdered up the pill and put it in about two spoonsful of wet cat food, and that was all I gave her to eat --- and, thank the Lord, she ate it. So I guess that's my strategy; I'll have to kind of starve the little thing for ten days until we get all these pills down her. But if you could see her big * * *, you wouldn't feel too sorry for her. My daughter and I don't say she's fat in front of her, but we do spell out b-i-g. Ha! Anyway, it was her choice to be so difficult.

 

Thanks for the laugh. I'm feeling good today! I wrote a feminist poem in a complicated French form called a sestina, if anybody wants to read it. It's called "Sestina from the New Garden of Eden."

[curlygirl47]

Sestina from the new Garden of Eden

 

Today I have set my feet upon a rock

Where things are solid and I can see the sun glisten

And I ask, if I was taken from Adam’s rib

What, then, is the proper food for my soul to eat,

Considering I am carved like wood

Into this womanhood, and I want to run

 

Like a long-distance runner in a marathon, I want to run

Until my body becomes my own, strong as a rock,

No danger from emotional termites eating into my body’s wood

Until I shine, until I glisten

Until they offer me food and I don’t want to eat

Until I say to Adam I want to be formed from my own rib

 

Or from the rib of a higher being, not from a man’s rib

As if I emerged from masculinity, as if from that comes my energy to run

Or my impulses, drives, compulsions, hungers, choices about what to eat

Are based on something other than my own deepest needs, my own inner rock

Which is becoming jewelized, a petrified forest log that will glisten

And carry its memories of a former time when it was less glorious wood

 

When it was primeval, raw, with few rings and it echoed, hollow wood

And its center was all scent and fiber and texture and fastened to the earth like a rib

And there was no light there in its middle earth, no place where the light would glisten

And animals played around it, climbed it, tunneled into it, a safe place to run

There was nothing human for miles, no conversation, no mental rock

No desire, no eruptions, no precipitation, no plans for meals to eat

 

Before my soul grew and stretched and changed my desire to eat

Before my heart grew stubborn like wood

Before night fell and sun rose and water came from the rock

And the spine of my being needed no rib

Because it was weightless and could slide or fly or run

And angels carried it, carried me, and my soul heart spine began to glisten

 

Oh and it was glorious, this being-in-nothingness, this one to glisten

This one with an appetite for meaning, for words to eat

For miles to travel, for people to touch, for distance to run

For lakes to ride accross, effortlessly, like a hollow wood

For sounds to break free from my spirit’s throat like whistling through a broken rib

Like Sisyphus pushing to the top, without the unbearable struggle, the rock

 

And I became free to fully understand, to breathe, to run,

Glisten like a rock, seat myself in a ceremonial position to eat

at the wood altar, upon which lies Adam’s rib.

[curlygirl47]

link removed

 

If you want to know how to write a sestina, or at least to understand the pattern.

[NJRon]

That's a great poem!

 

As for the cat, I had the same problem when I had a cat. I found that the best way to give them a pill is to pull their head back by the scruff of their neck and shove the pill down their throat with a finger. A vet taught me that trick and it was quick and painless... for me at least. Cat didn't seem to mind much really either.

[blues_belter]

(laughing)

[blues_belter]

To clarify I'm laughing at the cat pill thing. I like your poem, Curly- what sort of class are you taking?