Married but tormented by former love obsession

[aussiegirl]

Hello everyone

 

This is similar to a post I posted yesterday. I have been married 15 years with no children to a wonderful man, but in Dec 2004, when my pregnant niece, who I love, hosted a dinner party, which my hubby didn't go to, The guests, who were relatives of mine, were discussing someone who had met their new husband on internet.

 

Thinking that I must see what this on-line stuff dating stuff is about, I came accross an adult website and immediately became besotted with this English guy. We chatted a few times and emailed, but he unleashed all these fantasies in me, of having children, being made love to and seduced by an athletic, good-looking confident man, the things that my husband, while he is wonderful and adores me, is not. He I also the most beautiful man I had ever seen and when I eventually found a picture of him on his work website, that didn't change. I could not let my fantasy and obsession go and finally told him about it last Valentine's Day, about 2 months after we began emailing. I was manic as well as obsessive. The UK guy cut off all correspondence and ended up being scared of me and wanting nothing more to do with me, ignoring all subsequent emails. He told me he was getting married and to leave him alone. It hurt how he treated my feelings so callously, yet I kind of understand what he did. He was happy to chat and email as a friend, now he didn't even want that anymore.

 

I should have been in better control of my emotions and judgement, and not escape into fantasy, but I was so frustrated with my marriage. He didn't understand.

 

Now, I have my marriage back, but know that I think of the UK guy often and wonder what he is doing. I sent him two emails in November. He said he would never reply to my emails and true to his word, he hasn't. I have obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression which makes me very slow. Lately, my depression has been worsening as I don't have many friends and my family situation is poor, they need lots of support themselves.

 

I know I love my husband and he loves me and there is no way I am going to hurt him to find someone else. I am tempted to have sex with local guys I have met on the site, but I know I must resist, but sex with strangers makes me feel so good, sexy, desirable and I feel like I have to make up for so much lost time.

 

But this guy is always in my mind. Even if he could have found it in his heart to forgive me for scaring him, and at least care for what I have gone through in the past year, including severe depression and how much I have tried to battle with myself to get over my irrational obsession with him, I would be so much happier, knowing that he still thought of me as a friend and cared about me occasionally and didn't think so poorly of me. I told him I had been diagnosed with manic-depression, and other things, not all my emails to him were scary, but I am mainly depressed now. He did not care to know anything about me and probably prefers he had never met me on-line. It is like the brief email relationship we had was just rubbish. Everyone has said 100% that he will never contact me again. You know people that will never break their word, well I think he is someone like that.

 

I am so sad, I started off with a friend, and now have only ended up being tortured. There are not many other things in life that give me joy. I cannot concentrate on studying. I feel lonely. I care about my mother and know I have to give more to her and to help my sister. But I wonder, was it this guy's turn to be blessed with a new wife and future children.

 

What have I done that I am suffering, not just because of my marriage, but because this UK guy did not understand me and that I meant him no harm?

 

Thank you and sorry for sounding so pathetic.

 

aussiegirl

[Relationship Coach]

AussieGirl,

 

After reading through your post I couldn't help but to notice how you paint yourself as a victim here. As if you were stood up at the prom by Johnny Depp whose fan club you belong to. You are having a very difficult time distinguishing between the real world and the cyber world. First and foremost you are married, your cyber affair gave you desires to take it to the next level. Now you say that "sex with strangers makes you feel good, sexy and desirable, how do you know? Have you had sex outside of marriage? You say that you love your husband and you would never hurt him, I'm not sure what type of love you are referring to and whether your husband knows yet or not, the damage has been done. You were seduced online and allowed yourself to lust, need and want this other man in the worst way.

 

Your OCD and depression has skewed all sense of right and wrong. You ask what you've done to deserve this, are you delusional? Read your post until it sinks in. You need to get help for your fantasy world BF and concentrate on the man that you committed yourself to in front of God, family and friends. This other guy has all but vanished from society because he created a monster and lost control of it. He has every reason to never contact you again. You've crossed so many lines here and have broken the trust that binds a marriage together. You have more important things to obsess about like if you deserve to stay married and can you control your behavior. Get help before you destroy your marriage and hurt a good man who is innocent to your ways.

 

RC

[mgirl]

He did not care to know anything about me and probably prefers he had never met me on-line. It is like the brief email relationship we had was just rubbish.

 

Hi Aussiegirl,

 

It is not really his responsibility to know anything about you or look after you. Like you, he was probably looking for a quick fix or some attention on the internet, so i wouldn't worry too much about what he thought. Just remember also that he is not a perfect human being. Hell, he was looking for trade on the internet too .

[AwdreeHpburn]

Are you on meds for OCD?

 

You may want to find a professional to talk to about this. I really think you can get those feelings, ocds, and thoughts of having sex with strangers under control.

 

I too am bored in my marriage right now and fantasize daily about sex with other people (mostly Brad Pitt) running off to an exciting life in Europe, etc (the long list of etc) but when it crosses over into and starts affecting reality, its time to end it or get help ending it.

[aussiegirl]

RC

 

I see a photo of you, I assume you are happily married? I am sorry, but I don't know what "BF" means, does it mean "before". No, the UK guy isn't the one who created a monster, I created that monster, and yes, you may be right that he has every reason not to contact me again. But you don't know how much I gave to him in my correspondences to him, to say that is not completely fair. He had no idea why I created him in my fantasy, that it was my first experience of meeting someone on the net, how frustrated I was with my marriage at the time, that I was now sexually emerging and maturing at the age of nearly 39, how I became manic, on top of having OCD and how I regret what I did to scare him away, as I lost a friend. He did eventually give me an explanation, but to me, but I thought it is just human nature to care about someone who has at least cared about them, and perhaps work through with them why they have these feelings for you, not just "dump" them. Anyway, it seems that every guy I speak to about this just says he was right in running away, so if that makes me deluded, then I am.

 

Yes, I have had sex with men outside my marriage, both good and bad, and do you know what? It has taught me that there is nothing wrong with me as a mature sexual, fully functioning woman. I would never have known this if I had not strayed outside my marriage. I would never have known what joy sex can bring. I know that I can be made love to and respond normally, I know how to make love to a man, I know what I want in a man making love to me, it is a PITY that I had to go outside my marriage, but please spare me your morality judgement!!! Do you think a loving God would have wanted me to go through the rest of my life being completely naive to this and blaming myself for the problems in my sex life. Well, I don't call that a loving God. I sinned, yes. But leave it at that, I have enough guilt as it is.

 

When I say I love my husband, I mean just that. I love him for who he is, with his faults, just as he loves me, with even greater faults. I know the difference between love and infatuation. I do not want to stray, but I cannot promise myself that I won't do so in the future. Yes, perhaps I don't deserve to be married to him. I do think of him as an angel sent to me by God. He has known of my affairs in the past year, and accepted my promiscuity as part of my "manic" episode and yes, he has forgiven me.

 

However, even with the most perfect marriage, we are all fallible human beings, and I could have fallen charms to a beautiful-looking man at any stage in my life. We all can. Yes, I see attractive men on the net, on the street, I admire their beauty as a man, but I have no desire to talk to them, to get to know them. With this man, it was different. I believe when the call was so strong, as it was in my case with this man, it is difficult not to act on it. I don't know how someone can be immune to that. I know I didn't have to act on it, but for some people who are like me, I was compelled to act on it.

 

He is a mature man, he has an elite, highly responsible job, and very loving, but in many ways, in terms of feeling deeper emotions that come with mature human sexuality and creating a family, he is like a needy young boy, with limited understanding. I know my husband likes to look at pictures of scantily-clad young schoolgirls and I accept that is part of where he is at with his sexuality, I don't judge him because of that. Please, RC don't judge me until you understand that.

 

I know you are going to say my priorities are wrong, and that I should be obsessed with my husband and saving my marriage. I am just not there yet.

 

But thank you and God Bless for you advice.

 

aussiegirl

[aussiegirl]

mgirl

 

Thanks, you are right. Certainly, before I let loose with my emotions and poured out my fantasies to him, things were great. Sure, it was not his responsibility to look after me, and stuff, it just would have been nice if he could have seen beyond the "scariness" factor and ask, Hey, this woman is hurting, why? Who knows, the spell of him could have been broken and I could have understood him better and SOONER and he could have understood me, if he valued anyting of our email friendship from before this happened. Anyway, too late, I did the damage has been done, he is long gone and will never forgive me.

 

Thank you.

[aussiegirl]

Dear Ta ree saw

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

No, I am not on meds for OCD, because as far as my shrink is concerned, the ones I have been on have not helped and I will NOT submit myself to exposure therapy and hence give someone else control and freak out during the process . I am on meds for depression.

 

Yes, I did get lost in fantasy and lost touch with reality. Others alot more gifted than me have done it in the past, apparently, as literature and art, music, poetry, has examples of it. Why did it have to hurt so much for me?

 

Why cannot he forgive me and my naivety? Will I forever be just a bad memory to him?

[Relationship Coach]

AussieGirl,

BF is an abbreviation for Boy Friend. I'm not hear to judge you, I'm here to try to help you figure out why you have behaved in the manner in which you have. You are having a hard time understanding why this guy has dropped off of the face of the earth and I'm digging to search for clues as to why your sexual exploits seem as innocent to you as a handshake. If your husband was unable to perform sexually and in an open marriage, I could see and understand your justifications for what you've done. Your husband is a saint, there is never a suitable justification for infidelity, he has accepted your excuse. OCD and being manic have nothing to do with what you have experienced. You have an addiction and a need for gratification. You feel that your better years had gotten away from you, and you went in to overdrive in order to compensate and without any remorse for the better part of it, you justified it by what you were due because of neglect. Your overwhelming need to be desired and pleased removed you of all consciousness of your actions and possible consequences. Reverse the tables, how would you feel if your boy toy husband couldn't keep it in his pants?

 

RC

[aussiegirl]

Dear RC

 

No, my sexual exploits don't seem as innocent to me as a handshake!

 

Yes, he is a saint, and many others who do not know of what has happened to me over the past, have used that same terminology.

 

It do not believe that OCD and being manic had nothing to do with what happened as I am no longer being promiscuous. I will ask my psychiatrist for his opinion on that.

 

I do not believe I have a sexual addiction. I am trying to compensate for years of having little libido, and thinking there was something wrong with me. I am not actively seeking out men to sleep with.

 

I would not know how I would feel if my husband could not remain faithful. I guess I would want to know why he felt the need to stray and to discuss it.

 

In you saying there is no justification for infidelity, well I used to think the same way. I am not an advocate of it, but can understand how some people are pushed into it by having a healthy sex drive and their partner doesn't and the situation cannot be resolved by communication between the couple.

 

I used to think the "Catholic" way, but no longer do. I am sorry.

 

I will do my best to remain faithful to my husband and to explore how our relationship can be improved, but it is not going to be easy at all.

 

Thank you.

[mgirl]

But you don't know how much I gave to him in my correspondences to him

Hmm, maybe it's about time you stopped giving of yourself so soon and so easily (?)... that way you will not feel so betrayed when you affections/attention are not returned.

 

Yes, I have had sex with men outside my marriage, both good and bad, and do you know what? It has taught me that there is nothing wrong with me as a mature sexual, fully functioning woman

I am not judging. Honestly, i don't know whether i believe in this thing called fidelity. It seems to be something human beings have created in order to control others. Part of me believes that we are only here once, so we shouldn't waste our time being politically correct, watching our p's and q's for fear of making a mistake, and that we should truelly live life, with all it's risks and glory

 

I know that i will probably be judged for it, but who wants to die feeling that they never really honored the uncontrollable and animal part of their nature? We are not divine light-filled beings that the new-ageists would have us believe. Rather, we are made up of 3 parts - the ego, the superego and the id.

 

I myself, have never strayed, but have experienced many emotional peaks and troughs, which is the way that i live my life hedonistically (i am going through one right now).

 

Everybody expresses their animal nature in one way or another.. it's called freedom. And if you say your husband has fetishes too, then what is the problem?

[aussiegirl]

Thank you mgirl!

 

Not for agreeing with me, but for expressing something that was seething in me, and had to come out. Do I wish I had remained faithful to my husband and controlled my emotions with respect to this guy - yes and no. But in a way, what I did was part of me, like you, it was my experience of my emotional peaks and troughs. I regret few things I have done in my life, but what I did last year was self-destructive and I could have managed things better if I had not been so manic, spurred on my joining the sex website and meeting the UK guy.

 

I could have viewed the friendship with him as on-line flirting and friendship and having better control of my late-emerging sexuality, have been very choosy about who I would express that with in real life. But none of that was meant to be.

 

Yes, I am more knowledgeable and wiser because of the experience, but in terms on my marriage, I am in the same boat, and in terms of the guy, still pretty devastated by the way he chose to handle it, so you I could argue whether it was worth it!

 

They say "nothing ventured, nothing gained" but in my case, I just gained a whole lot more emotional baggage as a result of pouring out my heart to this guy.

 

Best Wishes, mgirl, you say you are feeling emotional ups and downs. I would be willing to listen if you can tell me more. Perhaps you should get yourself checked out hon, in case you have bipolar or depression.

 

 

aussiegirl X

[marcia]

why dont you have some kids??

[ghost69]

what kind of question is that? what would kids do?

[JEAB]

I understand completely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I joined this sight for similar issues. I too am OCD and suffer from depression.

As far back as I can remember I have obsessed over something or someone.

I obsessed over a college sweetheart for 12 years. (It ended badly and felt unresolved) Because of trying to resolve that issue, my husband and I didn't have sex for 6 years.

So what got me over it? I now have a new male obsession.

My husband is a great man- but there is SO much he can't give me that I need. This new man fills all those needs. I want to be desirable to someone. I want to be wanted. But guess what? Now he's gone too.

No more e-mails. No dinners. Nothing. So I am depressed, AGAIN.

My cycle is vicious. Unfortunately, I have kids, otherwise I would leave my husband. The chase and the passion is far more fulfilling than the security.

Are we on the same page??????????????

[ghost69]

well, i'd be out if i was in this situation.