Was I in an abusive relationship?

[Morning_dew]

I think Ive previously been in an abusive relationship. In the first week, the guy treated me extremely well. He would call me many times a day and tell me he loves me and simply treat me like gold. Unfortunately, in the second week, he yelled at me four days in a row. He would blow up at the smallest things. One time I asked him, "did you miss me?" and he started to yell at me for asking him, "a pointless question". It progressed for a week or more until I decided to break it off. I gave him a note while he was at work in the mall stating how it was over. He contacted me again saying how he kept the note to remind himself that I was the one who had broken up with him, how I will "suffer for this break up as a punishment", and how his yelling at me was always "my fault".

 

I was a bit shocked by his behaviour because he is 26 and thought that he would be emotionally mature enough to control his behaviour. About a week later we talked again and for some silly reason he managed to get me back. I was being silly but I honestly thought that things would return to "normal" and that he would treat me as well as before.

 

Unfortunately, his behaviour only worsened. One time I couldnt reach him by phone, and when he picked up, I complained a bit, and then he accused me of yelling at him, and decided to cancel our plan of meeting up that day. I was a bit upset, but clearly he didn't care about my feelings. Whenever I tried to talk to him about my feelings, he would cut me off, saying how I was being stupid. He would say that I get frustrated easily, and would totally disregard my feelings. Everything was always about himself. Whenever he offered a suggestion and I didn't agree on it, he would accuse me of "cutting him off" and would threaten to hang up on me on the phone.

 

Quite often, he would intentionally hurt my feelings and I would tell him to stop but he would continue. For some reason, he took pleasure in hurting my feelings, saying how I deserve this type of treatment because of my behaviour, how he was always right. Also, whenever he couldn't reach me by phone, he would get upset and complain, but when I couldn't reach him by phone and get upset, he would yell at me. Also, whenever he yelled at me, and I got upset, he would get even more frustrated, threatening me to stop getting upset or else he would yell at me even more.

 

I started to worry about everything that I said and did in fear of upseting him. Whenever I saw him or spoke to him on the phone, I no longer felt the comfort that I once had. Instead, my emotional state depended on his moods and his treatment towards me. I always felt the need to win his approval, however, he would always purposely ignore me for days and not pick up on my calls as means of "punishing me".

 

One time he did the ultimate scary thing when we met up one evening and he suggested that we find a random person off the street and engage in a threesome. I had told him several times before that I wasnt interested in a threesome, but when I told him not to pick up a random person, his facial expression suddenly changed and he asked me angrily if I was "saying no to his ideas". Somehow he managed to pick up a random guy off the street, and in the car he was laughing stating how it was his first time picking up a stranger off the street, and how happy he was of this success.

 

I was so scared, but luckily the stranger was actually a nice guy, and I managed to tell the guy to leave by stating how my bf was "drunk" (clearly, he was perfectly sober). But this experience told me how he didnt care about my feelings. He said that he wanted me to "have fun" with another guy, so he in turn would want me more. What he said clearly told me that he wasnt picking up another guy in order to make me happy (I was clearly not delighted by the idea) but because he felt it would stimulate him and make him want me more.

 

So again, I broke it off with him for the second time knowing that his behaviour would not change. What upset me the most was the startling contrasting differences between the first week he had treated me, and afterwards.

 

Now I'm just wondering if I was in fact in an abusive relationship. Thank you for reading.

[Itsok]

Yes, you were in an abusive relationship. Good for you for getting out of it.

 

Now be sure to stay out of it. He sounds completely unstable and dangerous! Don't get sucked in again!

[Morning_dew]

Just not happy... I did like him

[Itsok]

Of course you liked him. However, there's no point dating someone who has so many issues and is so mean to you. What you need is someone who will be loving, kind and there for you...not someone who demeans you.

[ShySoul]

It was an abusive relationship and you are best for getting out. You deserve to be treated better then that, with class and respect. As much as you may have loved him, he didn't love you. Your feelings for him may run deep, but in time you will get over him and see that you are much better off as far away from him as possible. He sounds unstable and a danger to himself and those around him.

 

Don't blame yourself for this or feel too bad. You will find someone better and have a real relationship that will make you happy. Hope you find it soon.

[Morning_dew]

You are right. I am better off without him. He matches 99% of the description of a "loser" whcih Ive previously read on this site. I know he's abusive. Part of me still feels upset that he mistreated me that way although he knew that he was lucky to have had me. I don't understand how someone would know that he's lucky to have me and still mistreat me. It's strange. I can't say that I loved him, but I did like him. Right now, I'm just disappointed that all of this happened.

[ShySoul]

Mistreating you had nothing to do with you, it was about him. He has issues and problems inside of him that causes him to mistreat and take for granted the good things that come into his life, like you. If it wasn't you, it would have been another girl being treated the same way. Sad, but until he is ready to deal with himself, things won't change with him.

 

It's ok to be disappointed, I'm sure somewhere in there was a good guy and you say that part. But he wasn't ready for the real thing like you were. Plenty of other guys who are ready out there. Have fun looking.

[Morning_dew]

yea thats true. I cant help him cuz he's not even aware of his behaviour. That's too bad oh well, God bless all poor souls.

[Morning_dew]

I'm still a lil bit upset at that guy. Just a bit of anger. The thing is, he's on my msn list. He blocked me, but he still spies on me to see what Ive been writing on my nickname. Moron.

[ShySoul]

Take him off your list. Seeing the name is a constant distraction, source of anger, and reminder of him. If you don't see it, you can forget him sooner.

 

It's ok to still be upset and angry. He was a jerk, and a moron. You have right to be mad. That will fade away, slowly but surely. And one day you won't even think of him. Hope that day comes soon.

[KellyWyndham]

God morning dew, I can completely relate to your situation. i bet you keep thinking back to that amazing first week where he could do no wrong, wondering if maybe that's the real him and everything else that followed was just a phase?? that's what i do anyway because when he treated me well, he was irrestitable and i was head over heels.

 

unfortunately, you were in an abusive relationship and this kind of guy is more damaging than you think. an abusive relationship, no matter how short, can seriously mess up your self esteem long term.

 

like my ex, your guy will probably try to stay in contact with you for a long while, and like you said, want to 'spy' on what your doing. stay strong and don't go back, no matter what happens. i know its tempting but just...DONT!

[tyler711]

Not only does he "fit" into the loser category, but looks like he has classic signs of psychosis! Definite mental/emotional abuse on his part. Good job on getting out of something like that. Good luck in finding someone better.

[Morning_dew]

Thank you, people, for the support. I hope I willl totally forget about him soon.

[ShySoul]

Hope you do as well morning dew. But don't be discouraged if it takes awhile. And if you ever want to talk or vent some more, feel free to post and we'll be here for you.

[Morning_dew]

True, I still think about him. Sometimes I ponder what had gone wrong, but then again, he had been quite defensive even at our initial correspondence. For some reason, I want to be with him again (dont wry ppl, Im not planning to contact him). But I dont know why I still want to talk to him. I'd hate to say this but I hope that he's still obsessing about me. I know he still reads my msn nicknames. Somehow, I hope he's obssessed about me. I remember how he said he's kept the note I wrote him. I hope he still reads it. For some reason, I still think about him. Kinda stupid really.

[Morning_dew]

ok something scary happened last night. He msged me on msn asking me weird questions and saying how Im the crazy one, and how he really likes me but I'm just crazy. I was so scared i didnt know what to do. For some reason I cant seem to delete him off my msn list.

[ShySoul]

Block him or delete him from the last. It's hard, but you don't need to be having things like that happening to you. He was in the wrong there. Try to block him and ignore him, Save the chat just in case. If he keeps on doing this at some point you may want to report it as harassment. But odds are that it is just him venting some anger and frustrations. Hopefully it won't happen again.

[Morning_dew]

He doesn't seem to let me go. I dont know what the heck is wrong with him.

[ShySoul]

Did you block him? And if it becomes harassment, don't hesitate to document it and report it. Try to create as much distance as you can. I know its hard, but you really need your space from him.

[Dutchy]

What a terrible story, I'm glad you stepped out of your relationship with him! He sounds indeed very dangerous and aggressive. Try to block him out of your life. How did he react when you broke up with him? I don't hope he is gonna stalk you or anything like that.

[Morning_dew]

It's okay. The thing is he wasn't serious with me to begin with. At the end of the day, he and I both know it's his loss. He wasn't looking for a serious relationship with me, but he knows that he was lucky to have had me. That is all I can say.

[ShySoul]

Morning_dew,

 

You really are a good person with a good grasp on things. Hoping you find someone better before long.

[Morning_dew]

The thing is, this guy contacts me occasionally, asking for sexual favours. I think he's a cheater who's just looking to see if I cud give him some "fix".

[ShySoul]

Sounds like it. Keep blowing him off. Eventually he has to get the message.

[Hernj62]

Its odd how people can be so manipulative. They percieve to be one way but in the end they are not that person all along. You are fortunate that this guy came out of his shell before you got really attatched to him. He seems controlling and psycho. Don't pick up his calls, stay a good clear distance from him. I'm 19 and my BF is 26 and you're right, he is NOT supposed to act like that. I wouldn't take this situation lightly. Be careful and take action if you really feel uncomfortable. Bc that is sexual harrasment. Good luck and be safe