Should I ask him if he is gay?

[FoxLocke]

I met this guy in one of my classes, and we've really hit it off as friends.

We are around the same age, and he is also an English Lit major. Just this weekend we exchanged telephone numbers and met up in the library for a study group. Grant it, he is not the guy in the class that I had a crush on, initially. I had always been focusing on the hot guy that sits in front of me, so much so that I didn't bother looking in back of me to see the guy I'm talking about...

 

Anyway, back to the main issue. The guy I'm talking about is pretty cute as well. However, he is very effiminate. He isn't extremely feminine, ala Carson Cressly, but he has very dainty mannerisms. It is the way he speaks(he has a slight lisp, light voice, and slow speech pattern), and the way he gestures with his hands(limp wrists and etc). I don't mean to stereotype, but that is usually a thing with many gay men(no all gay men, mind you)...BUT, I don't know if he is gay. And I don't know how to find out. He comes from a Christian background as well. However, it is just little things he will say and do(the speech and hand gestures)that makes me think he has to be gay. Like the other day, in our study group, he told me that he loves to get out and expose himself to different people and different cultures. Because, and I quote, " You never know what kind of people you'll be teaching. They could be gay or bisexual or whatever!" End quote.

 

Unfortunately, my gaydar is a work in progress but I think it might actually work in this case...I don't know...

 

How do I find out if he is gay? I don't want to just blatantly ask him if he is or isn't gay. For all I know he could be a very feminine straight guy(although finding one of those would be like finding a unicorn) and become very offended by my assumption. Plus, I consider just blatantly asking someone their sexuality a form of sexual harassment. It is just uncomfortable. Anyway,The only reason I want to know is because we are becoming great friends. And For once I would like to be totally real with my friends and let them know my sexuality...

I'm not at a point of being interested in him romantically(even though I could definitely picture myself with him that way. I've never been attracted to feminine guys, but I find him to be attractive). I would just like to have another gay male friend to confide in and talk to about stuff.

 

Well, I am sort of lying when I say I only want him as a friend. I feel so comfortable around him, and he is a really great person. But I've only known him two weeks so I would like to keep it plutonic...if he isn't gay that's fine. But he just acts really, well, "GAY."

[annie24]

Hmmm.... maybe you could ask him about his feelings on a "gay-related issue" - like, if there is something in the news, like the gay-bar shooting, ask him what he thought of that. If he responds, "gays are gross!" then you know that he's not your type Try to get into a discussion with him, and I think you'll get your answer from there.

 

good luck

[LiquidCherry]

I was taking a philosophy course a few semesters ago and there was this beautiful sexy perfect amazing guy. I remember his features better than I remember anything I learned... I'd catch him looking at me sometimes, maybe it was because I couldn't stop staring... One day during a group discussion he sat by me. Maybe all the other seats were taken?

Anyway, he sat down and the conversation proceeded as follows-

Me: Are you gay?

Him: Um, no.

And that was it. He never looked at me again. Why I asked him, I'll never know.

 

Of course I'm a female but still, I don't think it's ever a good idea to just ask someone. I've also found that gaydars seem to be pretty accurate.

 

If you're open about your sexuality you might say something like, "Hey, I think it's cool your comfortable being friends with someone who's gay."

[Imaginary]

If you said you are becoming good friends, maybe you could wait until he wants to tell you, unless of course he is one of those that think their sexuality can be taken for granted. Then you will know if he gets a boyfriend/girlfriend... but then he could be bi, so it's just too confusing. -_-

 

*Cracks head open becuase he doubts he is making sense*

[spaggle]

ask him what he thinks about homosexuality, if he isnt against it, then tell him about you, that way he may feel comfortable to tell u whether he is or not.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Tough call. I think.

 

I agree the converation about homosexuality could help you discover his feelings about gays. And he may even offer his sexuality in a discussion. But there are WAY too many variables.

 

What if he says he thinks gays are treated unfairly...and that is all. Does that mean he's gay?

 

What if he says he thinks its better gays stay in the closet and don't talk about that stuff and gay marriages shouldn't happen. Does that mean he's NOT gay? Or just ashamed?

 

I think if your sexuality becomes and important issue for him to know, then you should tell him. If you want to date him but don't know if that's even a possibility, you may just need to be honest with him. Just like all the other guys in here who want to date their friends. Yours is complex in a different way but the premise is the same.

 

I do agree asking someone their sexual preference isn't a good idea despite my idealistic viewpoint that it should matter one way or the other.

 

Use "I" statements and be honest.

[FoxLocke]

Good points!

 

Anyway, he called my house and says that he wants to hang out in the student center on our campus. Since I don't live on campus we mainly see each other in classes and etc...

 

I don't really want to "date" him at this moment. I am just interested in making other gay friends. And I just get a very gay vibe from him.

[Prufrock06]

Since it seems like you're more keen on making a new friend at this point in time, while trying to decipher if he's a straight friend or a gay friend, my advice would be to just keep hanging around him, striking up conversations in class or wherever you come accross each other -- if he invites you out somewhere or to meet and hang out, I'd go for it. I'm always perplexed as to how to make new friends -- sometimes I try and think about how I became friends with the people I'm good friends with now, and I can honestly not put my finger on the way in which I did so. I guess it's just something that seemed to happen naturally...

 

That being said, the best way to become better friends would be to continue hanging out with him. The more comfortable you two get around each other, the easier it will be to eventually probe him about his sexuality and other likeminded issues.

 

Good luck!

[KIDD]

ask him what he thinks about homosexuality, if he isnt against it, then tell him about you, that way he may feel comfortable to tell u whether he is or not.

 

 

Yeah, this seems to be a good way of knowing how he feels about homosexuality. If he seems comfortable with it, I would advise you to tell him about you first besides asking him about his own sexuality. Some people, mostly straight take it offensive if you were to ask him if they're gay. I'd advise you also Foxlocke to get to know him more on a friendship level & see what he's like before anything else... Well, I hoped I helped!

[FoxLocke]

Okay, it has been almost a week since I posted to this thread, and since then I think I am completely falling for the person in question.

 

He is a great friend to me and we just connect in every single way...

I tried to keep my feelings totally plutonic, but I am really attracted to him now. He is so open and honest, full of integrity. He is smart, funny, kind, and sensitive. And he is very attentive. We are both helping each other study for our classes(because we are both trying to get into grad school)...

 

First of all, we talk on the phone regularly. We meet up to study together, and he has even started walking with me to my classes and sitting next to me in class. Since I've met him we have been almost joined at the hip. I wake up sometime elated that I am going to get to see him...It is so ridiculous.

 

And today he told me I had pretty hair. I usually walk around campus with a baseball cap on, but I got a hair cut the other day and I kept it off. Anyway, He complimented me and told me how nice my hair cut looked. He asked me did I cut my hair myself. I said no, but I wish I could, "I could save money that way." Then he said that he does his own hair and he would cut mine for me for free...

Then I said that after I finish studying over the weekend I might goto the movies to unwind. Then he immediately piped in and said we could gotogether...I said cool. Only problem is my school is 10 miles away, so I have to get some gas and I don't get paid till Tuesday...

 

Anyway, I just love being around him. We have so much in common, but I don't know if he is gay or if I am seeing something that may not be there. Like I'll find any reason to be close to him. And once I touched his hand on accident and I just felt a surge of emotional electricity.

 

I never thought I could be attracted to a guy who has such feminine mannerisms(the way he talks and flails his hands about), but I really am taken by him.

Should I make a Jack Twist move and just kiss him or something? lol...No that would be too crazy, and so not me. I want to finesse the whole gay issue into a conversation but I don't know how to do it.

 

Sorry about my incesstant rambling. But I kind of get "weird" when I talk about him...

[annie24]

Hi - ooohhh.... ok, that sounds promising.

 

I don't recommend kissing him until you are pretty sure you know if he's gay. (We think he's gay, right?)

 

Like I said, maybe bring up a convo about what he thinks about gays in the military or something.

 

does he know that you are gay?

[Prufrock06]

Glad to hear that things are going on such a promising streak with this guy!...[dreamily sighs]...It definitely sounds like you are smitten

 

In regards to what to do next, I would just take it a little slow and not jump to any conclusions regarding his sexuality. Pulling a "Jack" would certainly be romantic, but might not give you the results you'd be hoping for, haha. The important thing for now -- and something that you already seem to have well under control -- is working on establishing a solid rapport with this guy, so that once you do get the chance to talk about issues like your (and potentially his) homosexuality, the conversations won't be so awkward because you'll already have that solid friendship/connection on which to develop trust and understanding between one another.

 

So, in short: keep doing what you're doing.

 

Hope this helps!

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Fox, I had this co-worker of mine who acts the same way your new crush does, but not as feminine. One day out of the blue I started to think he was gay from the sudden clues. The walk, the somewhat feminine voice with the lisp, the hand motions when he talks, ect. But it was not in my place to ask him and it was none of my business. But we sometimes talk about relationships and how it's hard trying to find the right "partner" as he put it. He knows I'm straight as I whine everyday trying to look for a girlfriend, but he always says it's hard trying to find that right partner. To this day I still don't know, and I actually don't care since we still keep in contact. Maybe one day I'll find out, maybe not.

 

On the flip side, in high school there was this new kid from Panama. He took a liking to me and got pretty close to me, haning out with me during lunch and stuff. He also had a feminine walk and talk about him. There was this once incident where he put his arm around me as the teacher was making an announcement. Was this a gay moment? I thought it was, until a couple of weeks later when he had his arm around another person... a girl. In fact it was a different girl every other week. He was a playboy if I ever saw one. But he was close to me because he was new to the country and I guess I was friendly to him, thus he befriended me. If I didn't see him with all the girls though, I would've thought he was gay.

 

So I am thinking to myself as I read your thread, if I was gay and I did want to go out with my coworker, how would I ask him? There should be that one question that is the clincher, but darned if I know what it is.

 

I have a feeling that when you go to the movies, there will be "that moment". I hope so, I can hear the birds chirping and the stars twinkling all the way from here. Good luck.

[FoxLocke]

The more I get to know him the more I think he is gay!

 

I just sense all of this chemistry.

 

Furthermore, when it is just the two of us he doesn't really act all that "feminine." I mean, he still has the lispy thing happening, but his gestures and etc are more subtle.

 

Normally, I don't allow myself to fall for someone unless there is a chance. And I do think there is a chance with this one. The last guy was nothing but a player(I think), so that really went nowhere...But this one is everything I have been hoping for in a relationship...

 

I would totally go Brokeback Mountain for him...lol. I hope he feels comfortable enough to tell me if he is gay or not. Or maybe I should go first, because he might think I am straight(because I'm pretty laid back and hetero in appearance)...

Anyway, I can see myself being with this person, exclusively.

 

Thanks Annie. I am going to take your advice and throw in a gay issue. Coincidentally, in our world lit class we are talking about the bible...I might bring it up that way.

[Erk]

Thanks Annie. I am going to take your advice and throw in a gay issue. Coincidentally, in our world lit class we are talking about the bible...I might bring it up that way.

 

How about asking him about Brokeback Mountain, or if he's seen it =o If he doesn't know it and he says, "Nope. What is it about?" and you could just say it's a romance between two cowboys, etc..

[EnglishSilver]

How about asking him about Brokeback Mountain, or if he's seen it =o If he doesn't know it and he says, "Nope. What is it about?" and you could just say it's a romance between two cowboys, etc..

 

What an excellent idea! Its a recent film that lots of people are talking about, so wouldn't seem like a totally contrived topic of conversation. From what you say Foxlocke, I'm almost sure he's gay - my gaydars going off all the way over here in England! how many straight guys would talk about pretty hair? It doesn't sound like he's having too much trouble trying to stay in the closet, if you are quite openly pro-gay even if you don't actually declare yourself, I bet theres even a good chace he'll make the first move in the right situation. Enjoy this flirtation, cos it sounds like there's a good chance of it going somewhere! Good luck. xx

[jon 13]

lol make sure u tell us if it works out with u two cus im intrested. lol.