really calm about what i'm doing

[AwdreeHpburn]

James - I hope you called the number that was given to you. There are a lot of people here who don't even know you who want to see you past this. Please post again that you have called for help. We will all be here as you go through the process.

[Hope75]

You around James?

 

An awful lot of people over here wanting to know how you are.....

[ShySoul]

Still thinking of you James and hoping everything is all right. Please, a lot of concerned folks are waiting to hear from you.

[james21]

i said i wouldn't write again but all the posts... i haven't thrown away the stuff i got, but i should be seeing someone at the health centre- i booked an appointment. takes a week tho.

what worries me is when i get these moments when soomething triggers it off badly- i see a photo or read something. i know regular ppl can't understand wanting to die, but just 2 minutes of holding your nerve and then peace forever. it is too tempting.

[darkblue]

You are here, that is a clear sign to me that I will continue to be here, for you.

 

Lean on us as much as you need/like.

My PM inbox is Wide open.

[AwdreeHpburn]

James - there are a ton of people reading your entry and taking a huge sigh of relief right now. Even those that didn't respond. Some people will log on just to make sure you've responded.

 

We have much concern. I really think that you should try to see someone sooner. Go to a hospital if you have to. You need to talk to someone and the sooner the better.

 

Regular people can and DO understand. You'll see and you'll be amazed at how much they do know and understand about even your specific situation. Please do. Please go talk to some one.

[darkblue]

If you live in the UK - you are automatically a priority if you are feeling suicidal.

My Americano counterparts can state what the system is, in the US - if that is where you live.

[Dako]

I'm pretty regular and I know what you mean. It's no fun at all but you can get past it. Try to avoid those triggers, since they just set you back. Try to drink lots of water and get fresh air.

 

Thanks for posting, James. It helps us to know you're hanging in there. I feel like we're in the same lifeboat.

 

I'm surprised you have to wait.

When you made your appointment did you tell them what's really going on? I got help immediately when they knew I was suicidal.

[Darketernal]

Nothing in pain compares to what awaits you when you take your own life, think about all the people who love you and will get hurt when you take your own life. The ones who get left behind will really die in misery , here is a near death experience of someone who commited suicide, link removed its what awaits you when you take your own life.

[Dako]

James,

 

Do you feel hyperaware? I found focusing on animals or nature gave me comfort. Petting a dog, watching birds, that sort of thing. Even talking to my dog helped me focus on something outside my inner dialogue. At one point I just watched lizards on the windowsill for an hour.

[Bethany]

James, you have all these caring people by your side now ok and they wont let you down. Trust in them to get you through this, I know I would.

 

There is ALWAYS someone here to talk to, please don't forget that when your offline and come see us as much as you like.

 

So proud of you for making that appointment..such a positive step.

[MI_Shell]

James I am so glad that you have made this step, words can't really describe. I really admire you for this and just remember that if those difficult moments come that they will pass and the more you talk it out with someone these moments will happen less often and be less intense and you will feel better. Thinking of you,

Shell

[Hope75]

Hey James,

 

Glad to see you are still with us and making a step towards getting help. I am pretty sure if you walk into your nearest ER and let them know you are suicidal you will get immediate help.

 

For now, why don't you tell us what makes these intense episodes come on? What is your life like? What makes you feel like it isn't worth living at times?

 

Have you shared this with anyone close to you? (besides us?)

[ShySoul]

James,

 

I won't say I know exactly how you feel, but I feel similar at times. Some things will set me off and I either get really angry or really depressed. And I can't really control when the outbursts happen or see them coming. It scares me at times.

 

Seeing someone is a good step. They can help you work through what is bothering you. You've also seen the outpouring of support on this site, there are people who really do care in this world, and people who have taken a special liking to you and want to help you. Feel free to post whatever you are feeling, writing it out can be a big help. And you can always PM me to talk as well. Remember when you get down that people would miss you if you were gone, including all of us here.

[pbutton]

James,

 

I don't know you and I don't have to know you to figure out that life has dealt you a blow you feel can never be overcome. I have escaped death 4 times in my life and I have 4 beautiful children and 3 grandchildren because I didn't give up. I didn't get there because I wanted to. I learned the hard way that I am not alone, I am loved, I am somebody, I have to stand up and speak for myself. You are a beautiful human being who deserves to get all that is beautiful out of this life!!! Don't let anyone tell up that suicide is the answer. It's only a temporary solution and not final. There is another life you will have to deal with once you leave this one, but don't take my word for it. Check it out at link removed. James, I have a son who is 25 years old and he is my only son. I know he has considred suicide many times in his life but I spent endless hours on my knees in tears and praying for intervention from a higher power as I could not change his mind. The night he tried to end it all, his fiance' came home and told him she was pregnant. That got him thinkin seriously about life and the choices we all must face. Today he has two beautiful daughters and they are the most precious reasons to live and not give up. He thanks God every day he made a better choice. You have a choice James just like my son did. We all have the strength inside us to get through whatever life deals us and I have no doubt you do too otherwise you wouldn't have gotten on here to post at all. I love you, we all love you, God loves you. Hang in there and don't give up!!!!!

[james21]

i wiill just say that i don't believe that religion is true- i just don't. i have tried to cultivate a spiritual side in the past but it does not come into me. i'm not afraid of after-death consequences.

 

as to why i'm so sad, i did say before. i am very lonely here, i have great difficulty making personal relationships. i hate the word but i would have to describe mself as a loner- not by choice but because i am totally hopeless with other human beings- people just seem to dislike me.

i know i will never have a family and kids because i couldn't mentally handle marrying someone, let alone develop a strength of relationship that would need. my relatives think the same, and treat my like damaged goods- i am ot on their 'level'. i am still obsessed with this girl who too, i don't know how to get over it.

 

i am scared i will turn into a psycho or pedofile or just a slowly decaying husk of a man. if i die now at least people will remember me as a young man and not a burden on everyone.

[Dako]

How old are you James?

I know it shouldn't matter, but I just wonder if not having some successes to build upon makes you think none will happen. As a young man I had a bleak outlook because I felt so isolated.

[Bethany]

People dont want to remember you, James. They want you in their lives. It's hard to believe I know when things look bleak and you may feel the way you do now, but in time to come, when you have got through this bad time in your life and you WILL get through it, I can promise you that, things WILL look brighter, this mood WILL lift and you will no longer feel like your a loner and mentally unable to meet a new girl and be happy.

 

Don't trust your mind to know what's best right now, trust in your heart and gut instinct that something is wrong with you and you need help and support and you WILL recover.

 

Making positive steps along the road of life is the right way. You have already taken two massive positive steps by talking to us on here and by making that appointment. The steps may feel too small to make a difference right now but trust me, they are steps towards a better future, be proud of yourself and how much you have achieved already.

 

Don't ever feel like your alone in this world, because you are not, you have people who love you, you have that person who is going to help you next week and you have us...and we will be there for as long as you need us.

[AwdreeHpburn]

James, I gotta say, it is good to see another entry from you.

 

I'm glad you're still here and are reading through the threads.

 

I just think it worth saying to you, that there are people who can relate to you, who know exactly or as close to exactly as one can, how you are feeling. Sometimes, making a move into a hospital setting or treatment place, away from the family you feel so distanced from, can really help.

 

If you're hanging on until your appt next week, I'm glad to hear it. I hope you'll check in with us periodically. I'm finding this website a great resource when I'm having a bad day. Hope to hear from you soon James!! -T

[ShySoul]

james,

 

We are similar in even more ways. Certain people seem to take a disliking to me when I never do anything to deserve that. At times it feels like people go out of their way to insult me and make me miserable. I'm a loner too, prefer to be by myself then around others. But even loners need love and to know that people care about them. And when that doesn't seem to happen, it can tear you up, make you lose hope. But as long as you keep going, as long as you don't give up, then there is hope. I have been right there on the ledge, given up on everything. And out of nowhere comes one sign of love. A special person who goes out of her way to cheer me up and who understands me like no one ever has. An outpouring of messages from people who let me know they are thinking of me. And that give me some hope for the future. You have gotten an outpouring yourself in this thread. Try to use that as a sign, a little ray of hope.

 

My family has treated me lousy as well. It hurts, burns within me everyday. But your family isn't you. They don't determine who you are or the life you will lead. You do. I've pledged to learn from the mistakes my family has made, and do everything in my power not to be like them. You can overcome the obstacles and come out better for all the struggles. You are not "damaged good." You are high quality goods. You aren't a burden on everyone.

 

Getting help and talking about the problem is the hardest step. Things will get better gradually. You just have to keep believing and moving forward. And we are all hear for you if you need us.

[xtina]

YAY! I'm really releaved to know you didn't do anything, and that you are seeking for help! That is a huge step, and you did it. Now it's going to be easier. Just accept the bad things in life, it is a fact. Death is not cool. Think about it. What if you come back to earth as a ghost, and see your friends.. you will end up regreting what you have done.

 

You know, my counceler told me once, that people who awent through what you are going through, will be stronger in the future, and will end up helping others who need. We need more people like you in earth! STRONG people. The first step you took shows how strong you are, and you ahve a strong will. If you didn't, I guess you wouldn't be reading this right now.

[dishrag]

James - I'm sending this message directly to you without having read anyone's posts but yours. I know that only you know what you're going through because everyone's story of pain is unique. Trying to change things hurts, staying status quo hurts, doing nothing hurts. Not being here to experience the pain gives the illusion of being pain free. People tell you you're stupid or need help, that you have a lot to live for, or that you can do so much with your life. It probably makes you want to puke because they aren't in your shoes. If they were, they wouldn't be saying those things. Even those people who were the closest to you really don't get it, do they?

 

I once read that suicide becomes and option when the pain exceeds the ability to cope. The only way for that feeling to change is to find a way to either alleviate the pain or improve the coping. Only someone working closely with you can assess your pain and your ability to cope. I lost 2 family members to suicide, my brother and my mother, and I still have trouble getting over it and it's been over 20 years since I lost my brother and 10 years since I lost my mom. I'm not trying to give you a guilt trip, you don't need that, but you need to know that those who are closest to you might be able to accept it but they might spend the rest of their lives in the same pain you are in right now. I also know what it's like to also watch everything I ever worked for, and everything that ever meant something to me, fade away and I couldn't get it back - sending me into the deep abyss of emptiness where no one could understand me. Even though our situations are different, I can say that I know what it's like to have every day be the worst day of my life. I can also say I'm so glad that I was able to work through it with people who understood my pain and improved my ability to cope.

 

There is hope. It just takes time to start developing inside of you all on its own. And when you feel it, like I did the first time, you'll experience the happiest day of your life. So much better than before these hurt and painful feelings. It's possible. It is just going to take time.

[ShySoul]

James, not more then a week ago I was feeling just as you are. I made a post on it myself. Wrote out everything I was feeling. Wrote that I often see no point in living. But I came to this conclusion, and I hope you can use it to inspire you in some way. I don't mean to seem intrusive or like I understand everything you feel. But I do want to help you out if I can.

[darkblue]

James,

You will be feeling alone because of your own problems. That can come off the wrong way to some people.

 

There is someone out there for you, you just have to believe me.

But you must sort through your own troubles, first.

[MI_Shell]

Hi James,

I would not worry too much about the future and having kids at the moment. you don't have to have all the answers all at once. Maybe at this time you may not feel that you are up to having a family but just take things a day at a time and you could be very surprised with how your outlook can change.

I don't have a lot of close personal relationships either which is not easy at times but I see myself as unique and sometimes it is just a case of circumstances, of finding people you have things in common with.

My cat is a close friend to me. It may sound silly but something so little can make me feel better. If your family do not say supportive things try to have boundaries so that you do not accept these things. I know what it is like to be treated like this by family and that is why it is good to have someone in your life that can have positive feedback or at the very least try and make the most of things that take your mind off things that are difficult. I find watching my favourite comedies, walks in nature or being with animals to be uplifting.

Thinking of you

Shell