Seeing Other People

[hosswhispra]

Curlygirl47-

 

All you (or anyone out there, for that matter) have in this life is yourself and your self respect---do not let a loser take that away from you.

 

Prayers,

 

hosswhispra

[curlygirl47]

Well, then I guess one way for me to look at this is that just like him, I'll have the sex --- and in the meantime I'll be looking for another job and packing my stuff in boxes and getting ready to get out of town --- because I really think that's the only way for me to stay away from him. I know few people here (it's a small town, and the pickings are few, if you know what I mean), and I'm lonely as hell, and I came to depend heavily on P. for my emotional support. I did start seeing a counselor today, by the way, and I'm on two new meds to help me with depression and anxiety, so maybe I'll be thinking more clearly and will be more able to make good decisions soon. At least I can take some comfort in knowing his ex-wife is doing the same kind of stupid stuff I've done, only worse because she calls and cries and begs and comes knocking on the door even when I'm at his house. I suspect he messed up and slept with her during the holidays and feels very guilty about that where I'm concerned, but this is all supposition. I know he's not seeing her now. In his defense, he told me the other night when we were on our date and about to go back to my house, "You know, T., I can take you back to your car and we don't have to do anything. I wanted to see you because I missed you, not because I was looking for some sex." He does have feelings, and I think the whole thing is awkward and hard for him, too. He has said many times that I am a lady --- but you have to remember that he was married for a long time and then it fell apart, and his heart was broken. Also, before me he was seeing other women who were willing to do the "friendly" sex. This whole commitment thing is very new, on the heels of a painful divorce, and he really does just feel that he is not ready. I don't know, guys --- thanks for helping me to think it through and know that I am truly listening and will not just throw what you've said out the window.

[curlygirl47]

Despite what I just said about just settling for the sex, I didn't mean it and you probably all know that--- damn, I'm wishy washy --- I'll promise you and myself this much. I'll see how next weekend goes, and then I'll have the talk with him about our relationship. If he can't be exclusive, then at that time, I will break it off and go back to NC. I think part of what has confused me are the concepts in How to Get Your Lover Back --- because many of the concepts have really really helped me, but one of them is hard to accept (allowing your ex to continue to see other people for a while if he or she is confused). The author says that making ultimatums and demands are not the way to go, and that they are among the common mistakes that rejected lovers make. It's made me think that maybe the way I've been thinking about fidelity, commitment, etc. is just too early for this 4-month relationship.

[TiredMan]

Again, here is what I see. You mentioned an ex wife and kids. Who knows what happened in that relationship. How long ago was it anyway? He sounds to have been hurt by it regardless.

 

It's up to you what you want. Definitely do NC if you want out of his life completely and want to heal. But do NOT do NC if you still want to be with him and think there is a chance of that. If that is the case, ignore all the NC comments here. I admit, at first, you will be in situations that won't make you feel so good, but it might improve or it might not. Then you have to re-evaluate at that time what you want.

 

Again, I truly feel that, from what you say, he seemed to have gotten overwhelmed by his ex and his kids and so forth and kind of freaked. Doesn't make him a bad person. Althought the women here (who not surprisingly make up most of the replies in this thread lol) want you to believe that he is evil because he is a man heh.

 

There is no need to apologize or tell people to be patient. In this world, you do what you heart wants.

[RayKay]

Again, I truly feel that, from what you say, he seemed to have gotten overwhelmed by his ex and his kids and so forth and kind of freaked. Doesn't make him a bad person. Althought the women here (who not surprisingly make up most of the replies in this thread lol) want you to believe that he is evil because he is a man heh.

 

Perhaps less generalizations of what "the women" all say would be appropriate? Or how about the fact there are men on this thread whom also recommended she not put herself in the situation she already knows is going to hurt her?

 

I don't think we said he is evil, and I also never told her to go NC, I told her to not go against her values and to not sleep with him or agree to something she in her heart knows she cannot accept. What "we" said is if she already knows it goes against HER values, and will make HER feel undervalued and insulted, then she should not go against those in the hopes of winning him back.

 

It goes against my values and makes me feel undervalued and underappreciated. I think it insults me.

 

Those were her words, not ours. When someone goes against their own values, they tend to not come out of it feeling very happy and proud of themselves.

 

I don't think he's a bad person, I think he may very well be confused, but that does not mean in the process she should compromise her own values and feelings while he remains in limbo.

[TiredMan]

Appropriate for who? And I did use the word "most" meaning there were male replies too but the ratio isn't close in this thread.

[curlygirl47]

Thanks to TiredMan and to everybody. I am having a hard time today just trying to make a decision about my trip to Alabama. My daughter wants me to come this weekend, but if I do I'll make the drive alone (which is hard) and I won't see P. (we have a date for tonight), and I don't really have the money for the trip anyway. If I go next weekend, P. says he might go with me, and he can help me with expenses. But my daughter has some things on her calendar for next weekend, so we'd have to work around those. I have to decide in the next hour or so. I see my daughter only once a month because she lives with her Dad. She didn't want to come to SC when I got a new job here. I know all of this isn't really related to what we've been talking about except that I guess I am feeling torn between all the different considerations with this trip. Bottom line: I'd rather wait until next weekend and hope P. goes with me ---not just because I want a chance to be with him and talk to him, but because of the money thing and because of the company for the drive there and back. But I hope this is the right thing to do.

[Scout]

Do you really think it's the right thing to do? You say it's a money thing, but at the beginning of your post, one of your first reasons is that you have a date with him tonight you don't want to miss.

 

And yet, you only get to see your daughter once a month, and next weekend, sounds like she's going to be busy.

 

It just seems you are planning too much around this man who has extricated himself from a real commitment with you. To the point where you'd give up precious time with your own child.

 

It just doesn't seem like you're in a happy place at all, and you're doing things you know in your heart you aren't proud of.

[curlygirl47]

I appreciate your comments, and I'm heading home now to start packing and then just see how I feel. The money thing is a big deal, though --- you'd understand if you knew just how bad my financial situation is. Anyway, I know you care, and I need to hear the different perspectives. I hope you have a wonderful weekend, as I am about to get out of here and won't have my computer.

[NJRon]

Have a great weekend. I think some time alone in the car will do wonders for you.

[hosswhispra]

TiredMan,

 

I read a lot of curlygirl47's posts--have you? He's a bad egg from what I gather (all from what curlygirl47 has wrote); as an aside--the dude likes to use cocaine (no wonder he's got erection problems--coke is a vasoconstrictor and although it helps one 'get it up' initially---it does not help maintain one for that long and then he likes to pop Viagra--coke and Viagra don't mix--one's a vasoconstrictor while the other one is a vasodilator--totally contraindicated pharmacological combination). No wonder he's got sexual problems.

[TiredMan]

I don't know about his drug or sex problems. I'm going by what she is saying. But you have to keep something in mind. There is always two sides. She might be using and won't say it here. Most people don't like to admit negative things about themselves. They usually blast the other person like they are a saint.

 

So without knowing the whole story, I'm just going by what she is saying. So if her heart WANTS to be with him, which she says it does, then NC is just silly; If she wants to get over him, then it's a great thing.

[curlygirl47]

Hey guys --- I don't use cocaine (never have), but I do smoke pot with P. occasionally. I never smoke on my own. I have to go to a meeting right now, but I wanted to let you know that I went to Alabama this weekend, and while I was traveling the ex called twice, and he wanted to see me last night. It was very sweet and like old times. He said he had never meant to hurt me but he knew he had, and that we needed to talk. We didn't get much talking done last night, as we went out dancing and drinking. He mentioned going out again tonight, so I'll let you know how it goes. I can say this: last night he was more like his old self than he has been since December, and I felt again that he is in love with me. By the way, he gave up coke as a New Year's resolution.

[hosswhispra]

Hello Curlygirl47-

 

I am glad that you went to Alabama to see your daughter. I am sure she was very happy to see you!

 

That's good to go out and enjoy yourself...dancing is so much fun. This again is my opinion (and of course you should do what feels right to you, Curlygirl47)---I would not sleep with this man--until he has that conversation that he wanted to have with you (and apparently avoided last night--he said he needed to talk, right?). It can't continue to go on as the way it was going.

 

Stay strong and don't let the turkies getcha down.

 

hosswhispra

[Scout]

I too am so happy to hear you made the decision to see your daughter. Do you see how exerting your independence made this man take notice? But most importantly, made you feel good about yourself? Good job!

[curlygirl47]

Thanks for the encouragement. Yes, I do see that my going to Alabama alone was the best choice, as I'm sure the ex was surprised I didn't wait for him to go with me. Also, I took off work yesterday for an extra day of travel, and he called my work and was worried when I wasn't there. The important thing now is for me to stay calm, not call (even though he left his cell phone in my car last night), and let him come to me again. We will establish a pattern where he initiates, since obviously he is more comfortable with that. He did tell me on Friday, though, that if I got lonely, to call him.

[nataliejulie]

How about this... You guys hang out, go on dates, have fun, but no sex what so ever?

[curlygirl47]

I can't do the no-sex thing yet, it seems. But I'm keeping my eyes and ears open, and P. has said he's not seeing anybody else, so I'm kind of riding this out right now and feeling more positive about it. I am continuing to look for a job out of town, however, and not thinking of this relationship as permanent unless I hear differently from P. in the next few months. I am feeling much better now that I am on an anti-depressant.

[NJRon]

Well, it's good that you are on anti-depressant. It can really help clear the mind a bit. It does sound like you are starting to emotionally distance yourself a bit more... which is a good thing.

[nataliejulie]

I can't do the no-sex thing yet, it seems. But I'm keeping my eyes and ears open, and P. has said he's not seeing anybody else, so I'm kind of riding this out right now and feeling more positive about it. I am continuing to look for a job out of town, however, and not thinking of this relationship as permanent unless I hear differently from P. in the next few months. I am feeling much better now that I am on an anti-depressant.

 

There's no reason you "can't". Unless you are forced by gun point by him to perform sexual acts, maybe I'll understand. Maybe if you gave up the sex, you would get a clear view of what his REAL intentions are. I'm not saying he's using you, but theres a VERY good chance he is, for company and for physicality.

But I was in your shoes once. I didn't want to give up the sex because it was the only real intimacy I got from him. He may say he's not seeing anyone, but what if some girl comes along and knocks you straight out of the water? How long are you willing to put up with the anxiety of "where you are going"?

[TiredMan]

I can't do the no-sex thing yet, it seems. But I'm keeping my eyes and ears open, and P. has said he's not seeing anybody else, so I'm kind of riding this out right now and feeling more positive about it. I am continuing to look for a job out of town, however, and not thinking of this relationship as permanent unless I hear differently from P. in the next few months. I am feeling much better now that I am on an anti-depressant.

 

Just do what your heart tells you to do.

[curlygirl47]

At the moment, I've got my first healthy sense of anger since this whole thing started. Background: Last week, I was out at a local bar (not with anyone), just hanging out and talking to the very few people who were there. Well, one of the fellows has a girlfriend and a wife, and one or the other saw us talking (that's all) and assumed we were together and left a nasty note on my car. Now, since then, I've stayed away from that bar and that guy completely, but last night P. got a telephone call from the same girl, apparently, who told him that I had been with that guy all day yesterday. So, without even talking to me about it, he cancelled our date, telling me only that he couldn't make it. He was very upset, and I'm now very upset too. Not because of what the stupid woman said but because we wouldn't be going through all of this crap if we hadn't split in the first place --- and he could stop these rumors in about three seconds if he just stood up with me in public and faced people down and told people what we mean to each other. I just told him that on the phone, and I feel good about it. I told him it's in his hands, and I also told him that I am getting out of this small-minded town if he didn't handle the situation and stand by me.

[curlygirl47]

It feels really good to be mad instead of sad for once!!!

[Scout]

Curlygirl...what more does this guy need to do to show you he is NOT committed to you?

 

Canceling your date without any explanation is incredibly immature, I can't believe a GROWN MAN did this.

 

Quit waiting and/or expecting him to stand up for you and show he's with you - clearly, he's not.

 

You can do better, Curlygirl...you know you can in your heart. Please, stop giving this man any more of yourself. You're familiar with the quote "Throwing pearls before swine"? That's basically what it seems you're doing...giving the gift of your love, attention, (and body) to someone who is treating your gifts very poorly and with little appreciation. It's just so wasteful after a certain point to continue to give this man so much of yourself.

[DN]

I second what Scout said. This relationship is seriously out of balance. You giving and him taking is not balanced - it is just wrong.