I want to kill myself to get her back

[I was the luckiest man to]

My name is Bruce, my English name though. I am a 25-year-old Chinese boy who is funny, sporty and strive to excellence. My (ex) girlfriend is a German who is 22-year-old, beautiful, easy-going, very nice personality and very good manner. We met each other in the British university and we were together for one year and nine months. We both now are studying our Master in different British university, 2 hours by train from each other. We visited each other almost every week since we started our master study in the UK.

 

On 15th of January 2006, she was so excited about my visit on Sunday, 21st of January 2006. She was talking about what are we going to do on the weekend and she said that she would like to introduce me to her friends. In the evening of 17th of January 2006, she sounded very sad on the phone and I sensed something wrong was going on. I said what's going on, honey? She did not speak, then, I said the mot stupid things in my entire life. I said: "honey, don't be so sad. If you want to end up the relationship, that's fine with me. I love you; I just want you be happy" She cried on the phone and said: "Bruce, I am sorry, I am sorry." Two minutes after that, I got a text from her saying "Bruce, please be safe and let me know how is things going, I do not want to loss contact with you". Suddenly, I realised we broke up, it was 12 mid-night. I jumped out of my bed, and phoned her "it seems we broke up, I want to know why?"

 

She gave me two reasons: 1, she is afraid of my anger, she knows I will put all the blames on her if she told me that she had a stalker. She said she need a supporting boyfriend if she had a stalker not and boyfriend who blames her. 2: she need more space, she wants to be herself. I asked her give me a chance and she cried and refused. That was the end of the conversation. Suddenly, I realised how much I care bout her, how much I love her and I just made the most stupid mistake in my entire life. I could not sleep anymore, cried and wrote her an email to tell her how stupid I was and how wonderful she is.

 

The next two days, I did some serious thinking about us for the first time. I realised three things: 1, she loved me so much but I did not cherish; 2, I should never ever say "if you want to end the relationship, that is fine with me; 3, I am going to do whatever I can to save the relationship. So, on Friday night (the third day after we broke up), I got on the train with a bunch of roses. It was 10pm when I arrived in the front of her house, she wasn't at home and so I started waiting. I decided to show her that I can change my bad temper by standing in the front of her house until next morning. One hour later, I got a text from her, saying "Are the reports of you are standing in the front of my house right? If yes, I can tell you now that I will not give you another chance, my only offer is friendship." I did not reply her text, at 12pm, I was so cold and I text her "I just want to show you that I can change and I want you back." No reply from her, and later on I tried to call her but her phone was switched off.

 

At 2:30am, I was so cold, the temperature was-2. I did not understand why switched her phone and let me standing there. Doesn't she worry about my safety, or how cold it is? I was so sad. So, I stopped the police car, the policeman got me a taxi back home.

 

After I got back home, I cried all the time. I cried not because we broke up but because I had a girl who is so perfect to me and I love her so much, but I did not realise that since I always put my study first. I could not stop thinking of her and crying. I phoned her and told her how I feel at the moment. She cried on the phone as well and said "sorry to cause you so much pain, but I can not give you another chance." Two days later, I called her again and beg for a chance, she was cool on the phone this time and said that she did not want to deal with me anymore. I sensed that she got some other bloke.

 

We were together for 21 months and she loved me so much; I was very sweet to her sometimes. I was being grumpy because I put too much focus on my study, thereforeeee, I did not realise that how much she loved me. The worst thing is that I did not realise I care about her a lot and love her so much. Why she suddenly become so cruel to me? She does not want to answer my phone, email….i dare not to contact her at the moment.

 

I love her so much and want her back. I am willing to do anything! I was planning to stand in the front of her hosue for 24 hours with bunch of roses on Valentine's Day. However, I think that will only push her further away from me, so, give up this idea.

 

I really love her and I know how to be a good boyfriend now. Unfortunately, I do not know how to get her back to me. Pleaseeeeeeeeeeee help. My email, [link removed[/email]

[RooferGirl23]

Its ounds like she really wants some time to herself, and you need to give her that. If you keep pressing the realtionship on her she will just keep backing away. She will respect you much more if you let her have what she wanted... some time.

 

Some times we dont know what we have till its gone.... maybe she needs to feel some of that.

[jl301]

I agree with roofergirl and that just give her space. I know that you are really hurting right now. Trust me all that begging and crying is not going to get her back. It will push her further away from you. Give her space and start the "NC". Just hang in there and be strong for yourself.

[studmaster3265]

alright ive been in this situation before and all i can tell you is just let it go. if she wants it then she willcome back to it. just let her know how you feel and what you want to try an leave the offer at the table. stop crying becuase tears will get you kow where. let her do all the callings and not you. she left you standing in the coled. any normal friend especially girlfriend would have let you in. thats just a lot of crap. so please just calm down and dont wait. i know it hurst becuase ive been through there . all you can do is give it time. if its ment to be she will come back. even if she doesnt its another lesson learned. take some time to improve yourself. one more thing stop blaming yoruself. not everything is your fault.

[Miss M]

I should never ever say "if you want to end the relationship, that is fine with me

You seem to think this had something to do with her ending the relationship, but it really didn't. She ended it because she doesn't like the way you treated her, your bad temper... And you made her feel like you would criticize and blame her when she was having a problem that wasn't her fault. ... There are probably other reasons.

 

You also seem self-absorbed, like you're only concerned about what you want, not what she wants. And you seem to tell her what to think, how to feel... that's not good.

 

And by the way, standing outside her house for hours after she has told you she no longer wants to see you... well, that's called "stalking." So in breaking up with you, she ended up with two stalkers instead of one.

[time2moveon]

Yes, thats sounds alot like my boyfriend, yet he dumped me. I let him call me, since he broke up with me, the ball is in his court and he should do as he pleases.

 

He left me because he was under alot of stress and wanted to deal with the problem on his own and didnt want the responsibilites of a relationship. The pain does hurt alot and sucks, but truly, whenever you speak with her and she cries, that means she may miss you or has feelings still for you still, but you should possibly let her call you. That was so sweet of you to do the things with roses, def a true English romantic. My ex is half english and pretty much the other half indian. His father is from Birmingham England, and his mother is from here but has alot of indian blood. After dating him, I realize the english have BIG hearts and as what iv read...you do! So, no matter if you two work things out eventually, or dont, like eveyone elce, there is someone waiting for you, let time take its place. I hope I helped...me being only 16 an all.

[heloladies21]

Here's what you need to do. Go No Contact. That means no calls, texts, emails, nothin. She's confused right now and this is the only way she will be able to figure things out. This will also give you the time to get yourself together and straighten out your emotions. Then if she decides she made a mistake by dumping you (and she's the one who made the mistake in the relationship, not you) then you can decide what you want at that point. In the meantime, start talking to some other girls. Just casual conversation. It will take the pressure off the situation.

 

And stop pitying yourself. She wasn't perfect eother and you don't have to be perfect to be in a relationship.

[Dismember_05]

yeh dude, i have to agree with Miss M, i can tell from what you've written that you do really feel for her, but when you're considerig standing infront of some girls house for 24 hours to show your affection somethings not right. Thats called obsession, she told you on numerous occations that she is not interested in being your gf, you need to let it go and move on.

[I was the luckiest man to]

First of all, I would like to say a BIG THANK YOU to all of you who replied my post, it made me feel better. I normally do not like chat online or telling something like this in the web site. However, this time I am relay hurt and I want to change myself to become a good boyfriend. To showing my appreciation to you guys, I have added more information about myself in my profile and I will keep you guys up to date if you are interested.

 

.

You also seem self-absorbed, like you're only concerned about what you want, not what she wants. And you seem to tell her what to think, how to feel... that's not good.

 

You are ABSOLUTELY correct, that is why I am so pissed off with myself. She was crossed with me for the reason that I only care about what I like, do not listen to her…..Unfortunately, I did not know that hurt her so much.

She is really SWEET. She was always there when I am unhappy; every time, when I came back from the factory, she was always waiting for me in the front of her dormitory, waving her hand and gave me the sweetest smile in the world; she will not start cook until I went to the shower, because she wanted me to have warm food after I finish my shower; she often text me and saying "I have been thinking of you", or call me in the mid of night saying " I just want to hear your voice"…….anyway, she is too nice to me. Sometimes, I was wondering why I am so lucky on the earth. She is very pretty, well-educated, and come from a wealth family. She can find a better boyfriend if she want.

I am going to contact her in the next two weeks, you guys are right, I should give her more space to think. I am planning to see her on Valentine's Day with a bunch of flowers. I will not wait for 12 hours; I just want to see her in person for the last time before I disappear completely in her life. I am not sure if she wants to see me. I am not expecting her back anymore, because I know that I hurt her too much.

[Benny1077]

I do think that you should stop blaming yourself so much, you can work on some things but it takes two to tango, she might have had issues too but wanted to blame you to make herself feel better about the situation. I'm having trouble giving my ex space so I KNOW what you're going through.

[BellaDonna]

After reading your post, it seems that your girlfriend was probably looking for a way to exit the relationship for a while. This was apparent because all you had to do was simply say:

 

“honey, don’t be so sad. If you want to end up the relationship, that’s fine with me. I love you; I just want you be happy”

 

and she went for the opportunity immediately. The 2 most important things she said were:

 

she is afraid of my anger

 

she need more space, she wants to be herself.

 

 

These are the real reasons she ended the relationship- it wasn't simply because of what you said. The intention to end the relationship was already there.

 

I agree with what all of the other posters have said- if she needs space- then give it to her. If you keep pressuring her, she is only going to be pushed further away. Also keep in mind that she is afraid of your anger. Anger has everything to do with self-control. If you keep contacting her, standing outside of her apartment, and caliing her impulsively- this is only going to confirm to her that you don't have self-control and that your anger won't ever change. Also, if she is being stalked by someone where she lives- the last thing she wants is for you to "stalk" her too by showing up and calling. Remember the stalking behavior scares her (as it would any woman) so you should not demonstrate that behavior too. It will cause her to just put you in the category with that other guy who is after her.

 

I was planning to stand in the front of her hosue for 24 hours with bunch of roses on Valentine’s Day.

 

Definitely don't do that.

 

One thing you have to keep in mind- no matter what you do- if she does not want to come back to you- she will not. In fact, many of your intended actions to get her back will probably only push her away more.

 

The BEST thing you can do right now is give her the space she needs. She will have time to think things through. SHOW her you've matured/changed by exhibiting self-control of your emotions. She clearly already knows you want her back- so if she ever changes her mind- she'll know what to do.

 

Do not contact her. Do this with the intention to heal, and not just as a technique to get her back. Do not wait around for her either. Try to live your life to the fullest and get your mind off her.

 

I am planning to see her on Valentine’s Day with a bunch of flowers. I will not wait for 12 hours; I just want to see her in person for the last time before I disappear completely in her life. I am not sure if she wants to see me.

 

No no no. That is not a good idea at all. You are only going to get hurt worse if you do that. You will also make her angry at you. At the very MOST- mail her a letter where you can have everything well thought out and state it in a calm manner. It is rude to show up if you have not been invited by her and it again shows a lack of self-control, which exactly what you DON'T want to do- if she already thinks you can't control your anger/feelings. Remember- that is one of the reasons she left you. By showing up and exhibiting that lack of self-control- you're just re-affirming her decision to leave you. I hope you re-think that idea.

 

I hope things get better for you,

 

BellaDonna

[Miss M]

You also seem self-absorbed, like you're only concerned about what you want, not what she wants. And you seem to tell her what to think, how to feel... that's not good.

You are ABSOLUTELY correct, that is why I am so pissed off with myself. She was crossed with me for the reason that I only care about what I like, do not listen to her…..Unfortunately, I did not know that hurt her so much.

In your post above you've written that each time she expressed her desires, you disregarded what she said, and replaced it with your own ideas of what she should want, think, or do. Even at the end where she told you finally to go away, you did the exact opposite... you came closer... for hours. And when she called you and told you to leave the front of her house, you stood your ground and stayed even longer. When she continued to ignore you, you texted her. In other words, it really seems like you spent a lot of time doing the exact opposite of many of the things she said she wanted or needed. To be in a relationship in a healthy and balanced way, you have to allow your partner to have a voice without trying to disregard it in each moment.

 

I am going to contact her in the next two weeks, you guys are right, I should give her more space to think. I am planning to see her on Valentine’s Day with a bunch of flowers. I will not wait for 12 hours; I just want to see her in person for the last time before I disappear completely in her life.

Again, this is all about what YOU want, not what she wants. Even in the end, you're still not able to consider what she wants. You're not respecting her wishes.

 

I am not sure if she wants to see me.

You've written that she has said many times that she doesn't want to see you. So why are you still not sure?

 

There is another point that is worth noting...

At 2:30am, I was so cold, the temperature was-2. I did not understand why switched her phone and let me standing there. Doesn’t she worry about my safety, or how cold it is?

YOU clearly made the decision to stand in the cold for hours. That was what YOU decided to do of your own free will. And you did that in order to prove a point to her... to change her way of thinking about you... (again you decided how she should think). So why did you think your "safety" was HER responsibility when it was YOU who put yourself out in the freezing cold?

 

Here you are clearly blaming her for jeopardizing your safety when it's obvious it was your own doing. You mindlessly blame her for your own behavior. And she felt you would blame her for the stalker? Your overall logic is very skewed... not good for a relationship.

 

Get into therapy, instead of a relationship.

[I was the luckiest man to]

No no no. That is not a good idea at all. You are only going to get hurt worse if you do that. You will also make her angry at you. At the very MOST- mail her a letter where you can have everything well thought out and state it in a calm manner. It is rude to show up if you have not been invited by her and it again shows a lack of self-control, which exactly what you DON'T want to do- if she already thinks you can't control your anger/feelings. Remember- that is one of the reasons she left you. By showing up and exhibiting that lack of self-control- you're just re-affirming her decision to leave you. I hope you re-think that idea.

 

BellaDonna

 

Thank you so much, as I thought, you are a very clever woman and your analysis is very logical and rational. I totally agree with you except the last one which saying that I should not show up on Valentine's Day with a bunch of flowers.

 

The reason I want to go to her place with a bunch of flowers because I did not anything for her on Valentine's Day when we were together. thereforeeee, I want to do something for her by bring a bunch of flowers, though we broke up already. Also, I want to return her stuff back to her (her pyjama and thing likes that, since anything remind me of her will make to cry). I will be very calm on that day, just say goodbye and possibly a hug depends on how she react. If she will be at home, then probably she will see me. However, if she will not be at home, I will give her a call to see if she wants to come to see me for the last time. If she says "no", then I will just leave the flowers and everything in the front of her room. After that, I will try forget about her completely and never seen her again.

 

There are twenty days until Valentine's Day, I am not going to contact her AT ALL during these days, and I presume this is a sign of good self-control.

 

Once again, thank you so much for replying my post.

[arwen]

Hey Bruce,

 

First of all, I am sorry for your pain. It hurts me to read your messages, because I fear that BellaDonna is right. Of course we are no mind-readers here. But I am afraid she was long planning on breaking up, it took just one slip of your tongue for her to spil her thoughts.

 

I think you should not do the Valentine thing. You are setting yourself up for more hurt. I think when you break up, there is no timeframe on giving space. The space you give her, should be of use to you to heal yourself. You are hurt and you have a broken heart. Are you seriously going to count days until the 14th of Februar only to get hurt even more? I think if she wants you back, she will contact you. She knows you want her back, there are no roses needed for that. Please think twice, Bruce!

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[I was the luckiest man to]

Thank you guys so much!!! I am a little confused by you guy’s opinions. On one hand, I love her so much and I feel so sorry I did not cherish her, and I am now willing to do anything to save the relationship if I can. On the other hands, I think that you guys are right, I should not do the Valentine’s day thing. I should respect her decision. I was going to write poem for her every week and then give them to her on the day she finish her study in UK. However, I do not think I am going to do it anymore since you guys said that is self-obsession, and I agree.

 

But I really love her, you know, I really care about her. If she had an accident and need my organ now, I will do it immediately without any thoughts. Honey, I love you, so much, so much……please look after yourself…..please be happy…..I love you. Bye, my angel