Benny1077 Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Shortly before Christmas, my fiancee decided she was not ready to get married, this after she bought a dress, we paid for the reception hall, etc... After her decision everything was still somewhat ok, she still lived with me, I still got the occasional I Love You, and we were still acting like a couple. Then all of a sudden she began the process of moving out, avoided contact with me, and became very cold. She said she "needed space" and does not want to be backed into a corner. People at her work say she has become closer friends with a married man. I believe her when she tells me nothing is going on with him, but the untrue rumors I hear are making it EXTREMELY difficult for me not to contact her, and when I do I end up saying something stupid. I really do want to give her space if it will help us, but I feel the need to contact her to let her know how I feel. It's not an everyday thing but when I don't talk to her I feel worse then when I do. I really want things to work out between us and I would even settle for a friendly relationship with her just to have her in my life again. I'm having trouble eating and sleeping every day without the help of alcohol and my work is starting to suffer. What should I do? I still love her very much. Link to comment
friscodj Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 I'm having trouble eating and sleeping every day without the help of alcohol and my work is starting to suffer. What should I do? Seek professional help my friend in the way of a counselor...seriously...do it soon... Link to comment
Benny1077 Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 Seek professional help my friend in the way of a counselor...seriously...do it soon... Forgot to mention that I saw a psychiatrist last week and he started me on an anti-depressant. I guess it just hasn't kicked in yet. Link to comment
kellbell Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Hi there! I am so sorry about everything. It takes a few weeks maybe a little longer for an anti-depressant to take full effect. Maybe write down your feelings in a letter so you won't get all tongue tied when you try to talk to her. So, has she talked about what she wants to do about working on your relationship? Just because she moves out and has her "space" should not mean she is all in the clear as to what she wants to do about the relationship. I mean what does she say? In order for this to work and get better, you BOTH need to work on it together, not just you. Link to comment
Benny1077 Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 Thank you for the advice. Basically I'm getting mixed messages. She told me she wants to work on things but that she isn't "promising anything". I actually wrote her a letter a couple weeks ago explaining my feelings to her and I tell her to read that if she ever needs to be reminded of how I feel. However, I can tell she gets uncomfortable when I become overemotional. Is that normal? The only thing I think she is contributing to this break is sorting out her own feelings. She's doing nothing for me that I can see. And when I do get tongue tied when talking to her, she holds it against me if I say something stupid. Am I expected to be talking and acting completely rational in my present state, I don't think so. Link to comment
kellbell Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Ok... Anyone whom makes you feel terrible about yourself like that is not worth being with. It does not sound too promising on her end. As painful as it is for you, I would view this "break" as a break-up and focus on you in the meantime and getting better. It's apparent she is not interested nor cares about your current state of mind so it begs the question why would she want to work on the relationship? I am so sorry for your pain and heart-ache in this matter. You deserve to with someone whom won't kick you when you are down and treats you better than this. Take care and many hugs to you. Try to hang in there and let us know how you are doing. Link to comment
Benny1077 Posted January 24, 2006 Author Share Posted January 24, 2006 Had a real tough day yesterday, I called off work today, but I feel like the anti-depressant might be finally kicking in. I truly believe that I have come to realize that I may have to learn how to move on. So we'll see. I still am haunted by memories though. Link to comment
friscodj Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Thank you for the advice. Basically I'm getting mixed messages. She told me she wants to work on things but that she isn't "promising anything". I actually wrote her a letter a couple weeks ago explaining my feelings to her and I tell her to read that if she ever needs to be reminded of how I feel. However, I can tell she gets uncomfortable when I become overemotional. Is that normal? The only thing I think she is contributing to this break is sorting out her own feelings. She's doing nothing for me that I can see. And when I do get tongue tied when talking to her, she holds it against me if I say something stupid. Am I expected to be talking and acting completely rational in my present state, I don't think so. Oh, this doesn't sound good. If she really was into making this work, do you think she'd say "I can't promise you anything?" You're setting yourself up to be used as "comfort", I've seen it (and been there myself) too many times... Let this one go. The memories will haunt you but believe it or not, I think it will be worth it relative to the other option of holding on, making more memories, and hurting more later. Start healing now so you'll sooner be ready for a better relationship. Link to comment
Benny1077 Posted January 24, 2006 Author Share Posted January 24, 2006 Now, I'm not sure if this doesn't work (which it looks like it won't), if I should see this girl socially just as friends? Would that lead me toward being used as a comfort. We acted more like friends than a couple towards the end of our relationship so I know it can be done. And does anybody have any other advice for getting over her other than spending time with family and friends? I'm certainly not ready to start dating again. Link to comment
I was the luckiest man to Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 I'm having trouble eating and sleeping every day . I understand exactly how do you feel.I don't want to ask you move on becasue I know you love her so much. The only thing I can do is give you a hug and say"take care of yourself, buddy!". Link to comment
NJRon Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 I would think it would lead you to being used for comfort, but, then that's what friends are for, if you truly want to be friends, that shouldn't matter to you. I'm kind of in the same spot with my ex. We are maintaining a pretty friendly relationshiup, chatting, etc. But, right now, I'm debating whether that's all I want or not. And if I want more, I'll just have to call it all off with the assumption that I will never hear form her again. As for getting over her, I just started taking up new hobbies. Hobbies that I never did while we were together. It's been nice having something entirely my own now. The anti-depressants will help a lot. journalling is very important. I have been keeping a journal and every now and then I read back over early entries and it makes me realize how far I've come and how much I have improved upon myself. Link to comment
Benny1077 Posted January 25, 2006 Author Share Posted January 25, 2006 Thank you every one for your kind advice and words of encouragement. I feel like I found this place just as I hit rock bottom so it's a good thing. I do agree that friends are there for comfort. But I've been getting different answers from people on what "being a comfort" actually is, so if someone could please elaborate I would greatly appreciate it. My day started out great today I think because I actually got good sleep last night (with the help of a sleeping pill) or because of the vast quantities of Starbucks I consumed. But as the day wore on I became depressed again. Memories I had forgotten about had popped into my head which made it worse. Isn't she thinking about the same things? I really hope she is and that she doesn't just brush them off. When I sent her spare keys back to her I also sent a picture of us early in our relationship hoping to unearth some memories. She didn't mention anything about it though. Why is she being so cold? Is it her way of validating leaving me? There's no way there's somebody else yet, she's not that type, plus her mom says she just comes home after work. I still have one of our three cats, she's gotta be wondering how she's doing right? Well with all the trouble we had, the apartment was neglected for a month so I think I'm finally motivated enough to start cleaning this afternoon, hope that goes well. God, I wish Zoloft could be injected, I just want it to start working. Link to comment
NJRon Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 It doesn't sound like you want to be just friends. You want more, and she is being cold to you because she doesn't want more and is trying to push you away without hurting you. My ex did that to me too. It was her way of being strong for herself and not stringing me along. Do yourself a favor and write her off for now. I know how hard that is, but you need to look after yourself. If she decides to come around, then she will. And if she doesn't, then you'll be getting yourself together. Link to comment
Benny1077 Posted January 26, 2006 Author Share Posted January 26, 2006 I wake up feeling great, then after that it's all downhill. However, I made concrete plans for the next three nights which gets me out of the apartment of memories. Going to get together with an old friend this Saturday, somebody who is all positive, so that's all good (except that she happens to be an ex), I hope everything goes well. I really think I'm ready to move on. It's just doing it that is the problem. What do you guys think about getting together with an old ex to help mask the pain of the current ex? Link to comment
NJRon Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 I say do what you want, but know that avoiding pain just lets it pile up. You will experience it eventually. It's not a bad idea to space it out... but, it will come. One of the reasons it's very important not to fall into some sort of avoidance mechanism after a breakup that leads then right into another relationship... you just end up never dealing with the past. Have fun though... it's important to see some light Just make sure you aren't avoiding/medicating. Link to comment
vickyviking Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Hiya, really feeling for you at the moment, I really can sympathise with how you are feeling. I am on antidepressants too and they are working, but took a while. I have signed up for counselling in the hope that I can talk things through more and move on. I know I deserve better, it's just difficult to see that at the moment! Have you tried going for counselling? I also couldn't eat, but just tried eating what I could when I could and drinking lots. You could try meal replacement drinks or soup if you really can't stomach food. I guess there are no easy answers to the getting over her problem. I am in the same position as yourself with that one. I am taking up a couple of new hobbies and just spending so much time with my friends it's untrue! I find having a friend around a great comfort, even if I end up crying on them! Hope this helps you a bit, but believe me, I know how painful it is. Take care of yourself. Link to comment
daregveda Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 I too am having trouble sticking to NC (see my post "she says she loves me, how do I get her back?") She says she needs her space and needs time to think about us, but after 13 years and two children, I keep thinking that there HAS to be something I can do or say to fix it. Every once in a while, she says something that gives me hope, but then she yanks all away again with "give us a year". I try as hard as I can not to call her, but the thought of a year of her getting over me just wears me down, and I'm calling her again. Link to comment
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