Absolutely mortified that i blew it! Maybe a lesson for everyone else-Please help! Lo

[kate111]

Ha ha. Sorry Curlygirl. My post sounded sarcastic but it was not intended to be so.

 

I find that if im sad and somebody tries to cheer me up I feel sadder.

 

If, on the other hand, I start reading a really depressing book or see a heartbreaking film, my own personal troubles seem small in comparison and it cheers me up.

[kate111]

Nathalie,

 

Something that also helps is to get rid of all reminders of your ex, photos, mugs etc and put them in a box at the back of a closet or in the garage.

[curlygirl47]

I'm planning to give everything the ex gave me back to him. I have it all in a basket, and I'm going to leave it for him to pick up when he picks up his items from my storage shed, with a note that just says, "Take these, too, please." I don't want the things to remind me, if he's not here with me. And I guess I do want it to hurt him, which might be wrong but the first reason takes priority over the second one. I'd like to write something mean like "I don't accept gifts from strangers" or "I don't need consolation prizes."

[kate111]

I wouldn't do that Curlygirl.

 

It will appear to him like you are giving him a guilt trip. My ex did it to me and I found it slightly pathetic.

 

Better just to hide the things away.

[curlygirl47]

I actually think my ex would be more hurt rather than think it was pathetic. His ego will find it hard to handle, that I would give back some of these things --- particularly, brand new sexy lingerie that he bought me for Christmas, with the tags still attached. By giving it back, I am subtly suggesting he can give it to someone else and I don't give a damn. I wouldn't accept the very beautiful leather biker coat he bought me for Christmas, since it had to be backordered and didn't arrive until after the breakup. I told him I wanted him to give it to somebody he loves and somebody who would be riding with him --- or, if he wants to keep it, he can take me for a ride sometime and I'll wear it then.

[kate111]

Curlygirl,

 

I think giving the stuff back portrays hurt, bitter and angry signals myself.

 

He knows you give a damn. If you didn't give a damn you would probably keep the stuff and not contact him.

 

He may be hurt but remember you are the one who is more emotional at the moment. He broke up with you so he in less inclined to be hurt.

 

If you really want to hurt him then be happy and act like you dont care.

[Pikey1972]

Yes, I'd second that - show him you're happy and act like you really don't care, that's much more effective than handing back presents.

 

My ex dumped me a day after my birthday (yes, perfect timing ;-)) - I've kept the presents and have no desire to return them to him.

 

Be strong Curlygirl!

[curlygirl47]

Well, the good thing is that he probably won't come and get the things out of storage for a while, unless something changes --- because he appears to not be in any big hurry to get his things. I suspect it is a way to keep a connection to me. So I've got a while to think about it, and in the meantime the basket is sitting there, out in the shed and out of my sight. I know I'm stubborn, and I will consider what you've said, but I don't want those things and I won't be treated as if I should be grateful and happy with what he gave me. He even said the other night, when I wouldn't take the biker coat, "So you don't even want one thing from our time together, to keep?" I was so pissed, thinking, "When you don't even want to keep me?" I didn't say that, though. Bear with me; my emotions are so overwhelming, and I feel like I have to make a complete cut with all things that will keep me reminded of this relationship, if we aren't going to be together. At this point, though, I still have a lot of hope that he is coming back --- despite the fact that I haven't heard from him in 10 days.

[kate111]

Keep the things that he gave you. As Ivana Trump once said "you know darlink I am very good housekeeper. Venever I divorce I alvays keep the house", and "I have never hated a man enough to give back his diamonds".

 

But give him back the stuff which is his. Better not to have the umbilical cord connected.

[Nathalie1970]

I agree with Kate.....Keep the stuff he gave you but far away (out of sight, out of mind). Return his stuff.....my ex put all my stuff in my screen door, so we did not have to see each other.

 

It is so the way to go. It's still hard but easier in the end.

[kate111]

Yep. He will start to freak out a bit when he realises he has absolutely no reason or excuse to call you anymore at all.

 

Keeping his stuff with you is good for him because then it gives him an excuse to call you and "check up on you". You do not want this. This is akin to friendship and will only make the break up easier on him and harder on you.

 

Trust me on this one.

 

Throw him in the deep end, dump him right back. Put his stuff in the mail or on his front step with no note, nothing.

 

Then you can be free.

[kate111]

Its funny. When one gets dumped and the ex leaves their stuff at the dumpee's house this is not accidental. It is not accidental for the dumpee to keep it and not return it, and most of the time the dumper is not keen at first to pick it up (at first at least).

 

Why?

 

For the dumper they have done the dumping but nobody likes decisions they cam't go back on right? They leave their stuff there so that they will have an excuse to call up at some point and in the process check up on the dumpee and find out whether they still have emotional control over them. They want control because they are not entirely certain of their decsion yet. They are testing the waters.

 

The dumpee likes to keep the dumpers stuff because they feel powerless and like the dumper could just never call them again which is very scary. They have the comfort of knowing that the ex will have to call them and see them at some point. They may even day-dream hopefully that at the scheduled meeting to get the stuff that they could somehow attract their ex back and all will be ok.

 

Best thing to do for a dumpee? Give the stuff back and cut the umbilical cord. When the ex misses you they will have no reason to call other than admitting they miss you. If they have any feeling about you at all they will feel a loss of control and they will worry that they may not have control over you anymore. They will worry that they may have made a bad decision.

 

Your ex's curiosity will grow and they will probably find a new resepct for you becauyse you moved on and didn't let them have their cake and eat it too.

 

This may bring them back.

 

Good luck.

[dawnie duckie]

Hi Blues Belter...

 

I'm somewhat older than you and have repeatedly gotten into situations that were somewhat abusive...especially when I was just about your age. I actually fell deeply in love with the father of my daughter and raised his son (his ex had left him for the same reasons but of course he had a different story...he threatened her life if she didn't abandon the child to him). He did all the same things...apologies, princess treatment, etc. This guy sounds like him ...especially the part about the alcohol and arguing and getting physical with you. Believe me, IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE!!! You CANNOT stay in an abusive relationship with someone like that and ever expect it to stop. Not with him and you, anyway. He may get older and meet someone else and quit drinking etc but a pattern has been developed now with the two of you and I just don't think with the alcohol etc it will cease.

 

Anyway, I have been in and out of several relationships that were abusive in several different ways, and the only thing that has saved me from that again (so far) is I realized that the only common denominator is ME. I read the book "Codependent No More" and boy did it open my eyes not only about others but about myself as well.

 

I also read a book called " Seven weeks to Sobriety", not so much for me, but for the MUSICIAN/SINGER/SONGWRITER I married after my daughter's dad and I divorced. That book is also a real eye opener and you can find more about it at

 

link removed

 

I found out AFTER that divorce that he had been having an affair with his exwife for nearly the entire time we were together!! I really thought the trips out of town were for either his career or he was going through "male menopause"...](*,)

 

Anyway, good luck but I just think you need to work on YOURSELF FIRST, especially being in the industry that you are (and it IS an industry, folks). It's a hard life filled with lots of work and fun but it is an industry and it takes a lot out of a person. I don't know what to tell you about leaving the band vs. staying in but I do know that there is a way that you can show up for rehearsal and showtime and not be involved in his life. It's called discipline. It's maybe also called "getting your own life and stop trying to put a square peg into a round hole." I knew a floutist who would show up for gigs with her hair pulled back and some really uptight clothes on. Just before the gig started she would excuse herself and go in and change clothes...for the show...do her show and leave...I think she was making a statement to the bar people, as well as the other band members. She had a JOB to do and she did it. Simple as that.

 

Get some understanding about who you are...you are much more than just a musician/singer ...you are a real human being with needs, desires, wants, dreams, hopes, etc. and you need to know who you are first before carrying on with any relationship.

 

And no you are not a bad person. Just a really confused one. And that's ok. I'm 48 and still get confused sometimes...that's why I'm on this forum. I just joined and this is the first time I have posted anything, but believe me I've been through some crap in my life...

 

I hope some of this helps.

[dano1966]

Here's something to try........ Being that happiness is a state of mind then you just need to change your mind.

If you want to be happy you think of something nice and smile........

If you choose to be sad then you think of sad or depressing things and you are sad........

Now that is lame because who would choose to be sad ????? But yet, we do!

No matter your direction here is something for you..............

People usually prefer to be around fun and happy people, so you will have to try to put aside a mind that wonders to the negative and think of the positive.

Worst case if things don't work out you have not lost him but rather gained an education into what you should not persue.

If we can look at losses and upsets as an education then they are way easier to swallow..........

Things should come to mind in this case like what could I gain If I continue this path, and if but another wilst I be just the merrier???

Could there not be another to tame your heart?????

[Marmy]

Great post, Dano. I need to be reminded how much of my happiness is dependent on my choices about what to think about and concentrate on. I spent yesterday beating myself up for different decisions I've made, wondering if mistakes on my part blew my chance for happiness forever. What a wasted day.

 

Today I'm going to try not to be so hard on myself. The ache for my ex is difficult enough. There's really no need to make it worse by if-onlying myself to death.

[blues_belter]

Dawn Duckie- thanks so much. I finally got the closure that i needed in a way when i went off on him like that- even though, emotionally i'm still tied to him. The really difficult thing about all this is knowing that, though he says he wants me to be at peace with the fact that it was not my fault, he is still minimizing and blaming me for what happened "I'm not coming back to you because I don't want to be in handcuffs."

 

I saw my counselor yesterday who said it will be much easier for my recovery in the long run if he really took inventory and made amends with me. She said that may not happen for a while if ever and the pattern will repeat itself with the next one.

 

What i am worried about -about being in this band is not whether or not i can be professional with this person. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i can do this. What concerns me is that we play original material- I write the songs. I don't want all my material on the next CD to sound like a broken record!! My songs are directly tied to my experiences. My singing is directly tied to emotion. I CAN let him go on the surface but the lingering pain that he still blames me for it. This is so hard to shake. My job is to learn how to make peace with that and not let it affect my own sense of myself. This validation that codependents often seek- this is what i am struggling with right now. He's gone- i'm just haunted.

 

Perhaps i could just write it off in a letter. He needs to know how his actions affected this whole thing. He needs to know that this problem lies with him. He could be in handcuffs with anyone- not just with me. If we weren't tied together professionally- it would be easier. But This is not like any other job. When there is a problem between anyone of us onstage, it's obvious. There is a direct relationship between what we are feeling and what comes out.

 

This is what i want to find a way to move past. This is 5 times more difficult than the actual breaking up!!! Thank you so much

[curlygirl47]

Blues, go ahead and write the letter and then see how you feel. Hold on to it for a few days and see if you still want to send it. By the way, do you know the song "Harder Now That it's Over" by Ryan Adams? I will send it to you via e-mail attachment, if you're interested. I thought of it as I was reading your post today. Some of the lyrics: "They slapped 'em on you where that bracelet used to be/You know the one I bought in Phoenix where they sell old jewelry/I was trying to make you angry, but I didn't feed you to the cops/When I threw that drink in that guy's face, it was just to piss you off./Cause honey it's over now; it's harder now that it's over --- harder now that it's over, now that the cuffs are off, and you're free. Free with a history."

 

I'm having a good day, Blues. I've been feeling better since yesterday evening. Just a sudden emotional and physical lift --- a change in the chemicals --- some kind of shift, I don't know exactly what brought it on. I feel like I am in a kind of "acceptance" mode and yet I also feel more confident that Paul may be coming back. (Weird thing: I've thought also that maybe I won't want him back after everything that has happened). I probably would, but it would be a conscious choice that I would make rather than something happening to me. I am getting back some control.

[blues_belter]

Yay! I'm glad for you thanks for the lyrics- it inspired me to write something a little different

 

Cheers, Curly- about the time you decide they're not coming back is usually the time they start to lurk around- this is the time when YOU decide. Not to offer false hope because i don't know this guy- but by the time he comes around- if ever, you will be in a better place to objectively look at him and decide if he's worth your love

[curlygirl47]

I need to clean the house this weekend, continue exercising, maybe call a friend or two, and prepare to make the necessary contact to the ex on Tuesday. I owe him money, so I am probably just going to send a money order in the mail with a short "Thank you." However, though it will make Kate gasp and say NOO DON'T DO IT, I am also considering the principles in Blaise Harris's How to Get Your Lover Back, so I am thinking of adding a simple request for time together --- such as, "I'm going to Alabama next weekend. Will you go with me?" It will come as a surprise, I'm sure --- and I think depending on his circumstances, he will consider it. If he doesn't want to, he can simply not respond. No pressure. We have had some good trips together to visit my family, and the request should trigger good memories of pleasant moments (another tip by Harris). So, I might do it.

[Nathalie1970]

Speaking of good lyrics in a song to live by are by Keith Urban "You'll think of me"

 

"Take your records, take your freedom, take your memories, I don't need them, Take your space and all your reasons but you'll think of me....take your cap and leave my sweater because we got nothing to weather, in fact I'll feel a whole lot better, but you'll think of me"

 

I think that applies in this case, get rid of it all. I just downloaded this song and it is such a good breakup song. I think I will print the lyrics up and put them up everywhere, just to remind me of how I feel when I listen to the song.

[blues_belter]

Thanks Nathalie!

 

That's a great one too- ive got so many topics and issues within this breakup, i should have enough for at least 2 box sets. So i will write about them all, pick the best ones and bring to the group ( can't bombard the poor b*****!) These songs won't be directed towards him, as much as i wouldn't mind getting a stab in there, but more about what it's like to be me being with a man like him, and more importantly, what i've learned.

 

But thank you- perhaps someday these tunes will help some people on these boards take it easy and find some hope. Ain't that the blues...

[kate111]

Curlygirl,

 

You don't have to worry about my reaction to what you do. I don't pretend to know the answers.

 

I can only give advice based on my own reactions to things and experience of the world.

 

Personally I think attaching a request to money you are giving back would be construed negatively. You are guilting him into going with you.

 

It is more clever to pull away so that if he has any feeling for you, he will end up chasing you.

[curlygirl47]

Kate and Blues, P. just called and left a message for me to call him back. I am going to get my emotions under control before I call. I'd appreciate your prayers or good wishes or vibes or whatever you can send forth.

[Nathalie1970]

I wish you luck, Curlygirl. Let us know how it went.

[kate111]

good luck.