divorce????intimacy not!!!!

[da one]

So, married for 8 yrs. 47yr male. 3kds 3,4,6. Wife has not slept in the same bed with me for at least 4 yrs. Don't ask how we have a 3 yr old..it's obvious something happened...

 

So when that did happen it was the same as most every other encounter. sort of cold and sterile. Just a physiological sort of need being met. I had actually already had a vasectomy and ended up having another..of all things to have to do twice.

 

So my situation is that I did the morally wrong thing and had and am having an affair. Isn't it classic? I have never messed around and not even b4 i was married was I unfaithful in a comitted relatonship. (at least since my 20's)

 

So now I am with this lady that looks at me, holds me, looks forward to seeing me, enjoys sex with me, is someone I have things in common with. But it is an affair.

 

I realize that the intimacy I have in this affair is what my wife seemingly has no desire for, or perhaps the ability for. I have asked for years that she share my bed but I get...."you snore" "the kids need me" and/or whatever. I hadn't been held or touched for years. I had forgotten what it felt like and resigned myself to that being just part of my life. I thought it would be the price of being an "at home" father.

 

Now...I wonder if that is all that great an idea. Do I sacrafice intimacy and the loving touch and embrace of a woman? Is that such a great environment for kids to grow up in?

 

My wife and I had been in counseling for years. She was diagnosed as a "Borderline Personality". Of course I read about it and basically it seems in her case just an inability to have empethetic capacity for others. Certainly for me.

 

I have said I am moving out and getting the d. I care about her and of course love my children.

 

I can stay and live in my own room and be pretty emotionally empty for I guess the rest of my life...or...D.

 

After all the requests (some loving and patient and some not so) I had really just given up. Then the unexpected and the unplanned happened and I ended up in someone else's arms. OMG, I had so forgotted what being touched by someone that finds me attractive felt like.

 

I don't believe that counseling ever did anything for us. I don't think it will in the future. Call me closed minded but after 4yrs of counseling I have legitamate doubts.

 

I am of the mind that I should move out, get the d, and move on with my kids, and whatever happens with my personal life happens but at least there would be "room" for someone that wanted to be intimate with me.

 

What am I missing

[DN]

You are missing the reaction from your wife if you told her that if she can't be a wife to you in every sense of the word then you will be filing for a divorce. What do you think that would be?

[LiquidCherry]

My parents slept in separate rooms as well, my mother's choice. They divorced when I was 11 and my brother 9 and I was glad. Not a common reaction but there were other issues as well.

 

Anyway.. Yes, your children are young and their feelings have to be taken into consideration. This doesn't mean you have to be a martyr. Don't teach your children that a relationship, especially a marriage, is supposed to be void of affection and caring. Children learn from example. Think about what that means, both with your marriage and your affair.

 

4 years is a long time. I'm sure you've tried to solve the problems in your relationship over and over again.

 

There are things that can be done to make a divorce easier on children. Making sure they know it is not in any way, shape, or form their fault is one. Making sure they know that they will not be "losing" either parent is another. I'm sure there are books on the subject.

[kate111]

I agree that you need to talk to your wife and tell her you are lonely for somebody to love you and to touch you. Try to explain all this to you and tell her you are unhappy.

 

If she doesn't care and doesn't want to work on these things and you cannot hack the situation you should leave her.

[Dako]

A very close friend of mine is in a similar situation. He's had no intimacy with her for many years and sublimates his energy through house remodeling. You should see the house, it's incredible.

He confides in me, and fears living without sex for the rest of his life.

He also loves his wife very much.

 

If I had ideas, I'd share them but so far I got nuthin.

[cinderella jones]

I am not married..but I am having trouble in my present relationship due to intimacy problems ..I think it is important that you tell your wife why its important for you to have her love...I know that I have been trying to spark up my relationship..and the truth is..I am not sure why I am doing it...it is not like I have a committment like marriage..however, I do know that it hurts when you don't get your needs met...because you don't want to hurt anyone...I get you...but the truth is..your needs are your needs...so I say try your best to talk to your wife..and if she doesn't get how she is hurting the relationship...and how this has effected your integrity as a person being in a committed relationship...then by that point I say move on..and find happiness..you have a right to that!...maybe I should be telling myself this....

[kate111]

Sex isn't just about having a physical need met.

 

Sex between two people strengthens their bond and cements their relationship. It fulfils our need for understanding and makes us feel we are loved and appreciated. We feel closer to our partner and feel like trusting our partner more when we have a sexual relationship. Humans crave to be touched and to touch and to enjoy intimacy with their partner.

 

You should not feel bad about wanting to share these things with somebody. This is part of what it is to be human.

 

You need to have a talk with your wife to find out why she is avoiding doing these things with you.

[da one]

Have you held someone and had them look at you...lovingly?

 

My wife basicially never looks in my eyes when I "try" to hug her.

 

When I come home from work and try and give her a hug she is normally inclined to push me away because she is "busy", but when she does let me hug her it is breifly and with her not looking at me or even sort of engaging in the exchange.

 

Have I spoken with her? Of course. Many times. But she only says and always says that tomorrow or then next day she will sleep in my bed. Once or twice in the last several years she did actually lay down in the same bed for an hour or so...curled up facing away from me.

 

As far as talking to other people, her mother, her family, blah blah blah. Honestly my "talking" has been making comments about how I have "slept alone" for years. I don't think anyone wants to engage in a conversation about it. Rather it is a "pink elephant" in the living room sort of thing. Everyone knows it isn't right but no one wants to bring it up.

 

Have you had someone kiss you and look at you? Touched someone and had them "react" as though they enjoyed your touch and made an effort to return that touch? Or someone that reached out to touch you and gave you a loving look because they enjoyed and wanted to experience your touch? Well I don't get that. I didn't think I needed it....I really thought that would be the price of not breaking up the family.

 

But what family. Me the dad, my wife that acts and spends, and runs around like my 18yr old daughter although she is 39, and my 3 children.

 

My wife takes no responsibility for her actions, when I ask her to sleep with me and say I am lonely she says..."what about me?" Well there is only one master bedroom but she won't sleep there. I really think that while we care about each other I think she is "in love" with being taken care of and not at all in love with the caretaker....me.

 

I am a pretty fit guy that works out 4-6 times a week and always have....I am not regarded as unattractive although after a few years of being alone it is easy to start to "feel" that way.

 

I don't see a "cure" for this. My wife has no goals for herself. Nothing but perhaps another cosmetic surgery. No school, no personal growth aspirations, just nothing but maybe another shopping trip.

 

Of course she would say she has no time for anything always saying she is a mother of 3. Regardless of the fact that two of the three kids are in school for half a day at least 4 days a week and we have a housekeeper 4 days a week.

 

I don't get it?

 

I really appreciate the comments that many of you have shared. Thank you for your time and sentiments.

[Shadows Light]

You've been married for 8 years.. you said 4 years of it have been no or very limited intimacy.

 

What was the relationship like before you married? What was it like at the time this started happening? Any trigger points?

 

Has she always been a cold fish???

 

I want to say that many woman do find that their sex lives diminsh after children. You're body is NOT what it is once was...hence self image/selfesteem take a plunge. Engery lelves plummet... new moms or moms of very small children exhaust themseves. Aye even stay at home moms. for a stay at home mom its worse.. she gets NO reprieve..she's on 24/7.

 

Was she sexually abused at any point in her life. I had a family memeber who was sexually abused as a child. For some reason... the TAPE went off in her head after her second child was born. And she couldn't shut off the "memories' when gettng intimate with her husband. This was silently driving her nuts!!! so she thought it was HIM. She went out and had numerous affairs. All the same. She had lost FEELING for sex... being a sexual being, and she couldn't shut the re-winding memories in her head.

 

Counseling... I don't know if she EVER went in for counseling. IT was cetainly suggested. THIS did not end well.. they divorced with two small children.

 

Sitting her performing ARM CHAIR physchology..I can imagine after 4 years of cousneling... and being up front with her.. I can't think of reasons for her actions.

 

I know you feel guilty for having had an affair. But it seems almost instinctual. We are human and need human contact. They say babies who are NOT held enough in the early stages of development develop serious mental/emotinoal problems.

 

Adults also need that physical contact. Its NOT all just about the sex.. although it helps. Its about the touches, looks, carresses, hugs, and shared intimacy body/mind. It only stands to reason that you'd drive yourself nuts to distraction... and find something to fill that void. As did the fellow with the "home repair-mania".... you found it within anothers arms.

 

I think that children can be raised to be emotionally healthy adults within a divorced atmospere. IF the adults can agree to act as ADULTS.. and not cause it to be a game of one-upsmanship.

 

Kids know and see more than you know. they need to be raised in environments that are enriching/fufilling and loving. When they are born their heads are blank disks. Everything they see, hear, taste, smell, feel... get imprinted on their hard-drives. Seeing a HEALTHY LOVING relationship... will help them in thier roles as adults,lovers, wives, husbands... etc.

 

Don't feel guilty. You need to feel human. Everyone needs love. It not a "want" but a need --- to be loved.

[Dako]

da one,

 

I can only imagine how lonely you must feel. Your description of your wife implies that you've actually lost interest in her in other ways, since she doesn't have many interests.

It's no wonder you've gone elsewhere for closeness. In your shoes, I'd be tempted to do the same.

I hope your future is much better.