Help me convince my fiance!

[Monekita]

I hope you guys can help me convince my fiance that he is in the wrong. Here's the story...

 

My fiance was seeing this girl for a couple of weeks before he met me, this is going back about 2 years ago. He slept with her (I know this because he told me, that it was really good - not that I care because that's in the past and he is with me now and he was honest enough to share that with me).

 

My issue is she keeps calling him (she is infatuated with him) and he thinks nothing of taking her calls and emails (Thank God she lives in another state!). Only recently, she rang to inform him that she was pregnant to another guy and if he could advise her of what she should do. I've asked him numerous times to tell her to stop calling - I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall ](*,) Now I find that she's going to be coming up to Sydney for holidays and wants to meet up with him... that's just great, just what I need...

 

I'm not allowed to speak to any of my ex-boyfriends although the only reason I'd ring them would be to see how they are doing in their life and careers - I formed good friendships with my boyfriends, kissed and mucked around but never slept with any of them - I wanted to wait until I found someone who was dedicated enough to make a serious lifelong commitment and love me for the person I am.

 

I consider her to be an intimate ex-girlfriend and that she has ulterior motives (that is to sleep, if not steal my fiance from me. My fiance tells me that she's "just a friend", what we have is special because he loves me and I know that he does. I stopped talking to my exes because I love my fiance and I'm dedicated to him.

 

I know that my fiance loves me cause we have been through so many downs and we've still stuck beside each other - I don't think he is keeping in touch with her just in case our engagement doesn't work out.

 

I have 2 questions -

 

1.Is it fair that he keep talking to her? (My answer is "no, it's not fair - he should stop talking to her" and

 

2. Is she an "ex-girlfriend" as opposed to "just-a-friend"? (My answer is "she's an ex")

 

What you you think? Thanks for taking the time to read my post

[RunToMe]

I agree with you 100%. He needs to show you some respect and tell this girl to shove off. It makes you uncomfortable. He should respect that. If he can't, you need to seriously question his loyalty to his FIANCE.... just my opinion

[RayKay]

Well, everyone does feel differently about ex's being friends, but what is concerning here is the double standard...that you are not permitted to talk to your ex's (or rather he obviously does not like it and you respectfully don't) but that he feels it is fine for him to do it himself! Two weeks, one year, she is still an ex in that they intimate (and even tells you it was good...hmm), and I am sure you DO trust him, but there are some boundaries that need to be in place.

 

Does she know about you? Have you ever met her? How often are they in touch? These are things I think you need to look at to further determine whether this is just a friendship (at least on her end) or not.

 

And tell him exactly why it bothers you, and how it feels like a double standard. Don't accuse, just open the communication.

[Beec]

Did he make you stop talking to your exes? If so, he is being a hypocrite. If no, then you don't trust him.

 

Look, someone sooner or later is likely to come on to him. He will either say yes or no. I hope you can trust him to say no. If not, then I wonder why are you in a relationship with him.

 

I emailed an ex today and she emailed me. Probably won't be the last time it happens in my life. But she's no threat to my woman. I'm not going back to her, and I doubt your guy is going to take off with a pregnant woman. If they are friends and she needs him now, what would that say about him.

 

I think he may need to provide some assurances, but I don't think because you enter a new relationship you HAVE TO cut yourself off from your past.

[RayKay]

 

I think he may need to provide some assurances, but I don't think because you enter a new relationship you HAVE TO cut yourself off from your past.

 

Agree 100%. Unless of course that past is damaging the present and potential future of your relationship or your partner, with intent.

[Beec]

Agree 100%. Unless of course that past is damaging the present and potential future of your relationship or your partner, with intent.

 

I can understand that if some behavior with an ex is not appropriate, but an call or an email, especially, would not seem to be a problem. If it is, then I would see my current woman as a little too insecure or controlling. Meeting an ex all night long at a hotel, definite problem. Finding the place in the middle is the issue. The more exposed I am to a risk, then I think the more assurances I'd need to give.

 

One of my other questions here would be why is he telling her about these calls, etc. I exchanged emails with an ex recently. Pretty mundane stuff in it: how are each of our families; Happy New Year; etc. I'm probably not going to tell my fiance. Why would I? She has communciations with an ex of hers, and saw him this year. That didn't bother me. But she does not tell me thigns to make me feel insecure, and the original poster might be hearing about things for that reason.

[RayKay]

Oh I was not disagreeing Beec - I and my partner both have ex's as friends and are open and honest about it. What I was referring to was the fact there was a double standard, and he seemed to be dismissing her feelings on the issue.

 

I just think the double standard is odd...he may tell her to be honest about it, but also to absolve guilt...hmm.