Need words of encouragement please

[charliek]

So I was in a relationship for 5 yrs. The past year we have broken up two other times and both times he ran to the same girl and BOTH times he has dumped her to be back w/ me. This other gir has not stepped off at all towards my ex. While we were together she would pour her heart out to him about how she felt about him. . .knowing he was with me. Well he's not innocent in this, he let her do this, called her just as much, emailed her just as much, kept her on a string all along. Well this last time we broke up (for the 3rd time) it was b/c he had been lying to me about how much he was really still in contact w/ this other girl. I called and confronted her and that was that. . .Right away this girl dug her claws in even deeper now that we are not together. All the while he was still calling me, telling me not to move, that he still cares and loves me very much, etc. . .but yet he still could not leave this other girl alone.

 

Well it got to the point that I finally gave him an ultimatum. I decided for myself that I have put up w/ this girl for over a year constantly being a part of our relationship. Every time they started talking again, his attitude towards me changed. . .So the week of christmas I told him I was staying and not moving and he told me that's good. That he thought we have a chance to reconcile. . .then since his family and child were coming into town I asked if he was going to introduce his child to this other girl since i wasn't going to be there (he had already told me that since things were up in the air he was telling his child that I was on vacation for the week w/ my family bc we did live together) he told me he didn't know. . .That's when I had had it. . .

 

I told him that if he thought there was any chance for us, then he needed to take a big step back from this other girl and decide. That if he chooses to have her in his life, I am not willing to do this anymore. That I am not going to sit back and let him mess w/ both of our minds and I get put on the back burner while he decides who he wants. Never in 5 yrs have I said anything like this to him. NEver have I stood up for myself and he was quite taken back. Telling me he does not react well to ultimatums and that she would never make him choose. . .and I told him that's the difference between her and I, I have self respect and dignity and am not willing to do this anymore. . .

 

He told by the end of the conversation that he'd let me know what his decision was. . . that was the week of christmas and I haven't heard a thing. I know that what i said was right, that I needed to put my foot down. I knwo taht w/ his child here and his family here all last week he threw himself into that and didn't want to dea w/ me probably b/c we keep fighting about this other girl. . .I also think he is testing me and my strength if I would really stand by this. At one point during one of our many arguments about this girl he told me that he knows I would never be able to stop talking to him. . .that's why I think he is waiting for me to break NC. . .

 

after we broke up this time, he was contacting me about every other day if not every day. I never made the first contact. . .I do not want to be as pathetic as this other girl. She calls him 3 to 4 time a day and I know this is not the type of girl he wants. . .he claims they are not dating (or did a week and a half ago) b/c he may be moving closer to his child. He told me he wanted to find out where he is going b4 he made any decision about anyone. . .but I figured for the 5 yrs that I gave him my all and this girl has done nothing but be a rebound for him the past 3 times he has ended it w/ me, it just hurts that he's being this way.

 

I am trying to be strong and just need some words of encouragement. What i did by telling him that its either her or me not both was the right thing to do. . .but today I am just sad b/c I didn't hear a thing from his nor his child over christmas and I ahve no clue what he's thinking or doing. . . for all I know he decided to be w/ her b/c it would be easier and no rules. . .and that sucks. . .but I know in my mind I don't want to be w/ someone like this but my heart still hurts for me. . .

 

Just need some advice and words of enouragement. Today is a down day for me!!

[annie24]

Hey there - I totally think you did the right thing. 3 people in a relationship is a bit crowded, don't you think? (To paraphrase Princess Diana.)

 

It's not a way to have a relationship. Maybe he'll come back, maybe he won't, but at least from this point on, things will be better. she'll either be out of the picture, or you'll be single again, but at least you can find a better person to have a relationship with. This is not working out at all.

 

you did the right thing.

 

take care

[alonebutnotlonely]

I think you did the right thing, too. I think we do things like stand up for ourselves- when we are ready, and you were ready. You know what you want now in a relationship and are willing to go to any length to get it. Even if it means being single. At least you don't have to "play the game" anymore. I can't stand the "push me, pull me" thing. I just ended a long term, live in relationship and it does SUCK!!!!!! There is a LOT to be said for NC. I, finally, BELIEVE now from my head to the tips of my toes that I deserve more and better. I do want it all and I think you do too.

Stay strong in your decision- It could be a while before he "knows"- so don't stop living life. A wise lady once told me "As soon as you say HELLO- You are In it" I try to remember that ALOT!!!!!!!!!!!

Take Care of yourself

[Mun]

He made his choice the moment he held his tongue and said I'll tell you later. You deserved an answer in that instant and he decided to keep stringing this along.. of course while still being with the girl, right?

 

Hey you did the right thing for yourself. If you didn't set down this ultimatum things were not likely to change. Now you need to be strong and move on in your life.

 

The last time I saw something like this happen the other girl, who was more underhanded, got pregnant and kept the guy that way.

[charliek]

thank you to both of you. I just am feeling down today. I think more then anything I feel rejected and have a hard time understanding why he wants to be w/ someone who litterally throws herself at him, when he for so many years has told me he wants someoen who is strong, independent, not needy, not clinging, gives him his space, etc. And I have been witness to how this girl is all of those things.

 

I also don't understand people like her. I don't understand taht she thinks it's a normal behavior to be w/ someone or try for someone who is and has been in a long term relationship, that there's a child involved who knows me and wants us to be a family, etc. . . .I just am hurting right now and may be its more my ego that is crushed. . .I do feel stupid that i gave him so much and she didn't and she gets him. . .UGh!! I fight w/ the heart and mind but usually the heart wins w/ all the hurt that overwhelms the situation. . .

thanks for the kind words. . .I want hm to realize his mistake. . LOL

[alonebutnotlonely]

I understand the ego thing and the head/heart thing. It is a GRIEF process and it is OK to hurt and cry. Tears cleanse the soul. For me, it has been almost 2 months since we broke up-we have talked one time- and some days I am happy and some are really, really hard. At least, you are reaching out. These posts have gotten me through some rough days and nights. It is so helpful to have people who don't know you but understand what you are feeling and I do. Sometimes, it is hard NOT to ask Why is this happening to me, but I do believe it makes us stronger and more determined not to settle. Don't feel stupid for following your heart and giving him so much. Know you did everything because you loved him and that's that. You should hold your head high and know that one day he will tire of that needy, clingy personality. That, my friend, I can say has been my experience. . So, see, we never know what life has in store for us-so your quote "love life'' is so true.

[Katelyn55655]

I too think you did the right thing. You are taking care of yourself and there's nothing more important than that right now.

 

Just remember that grieving is a process which includes anger and tears as well as remembering the good times and longing for what you've lost. People tend to 'forget' why they broke up and the things that are wrong with the relationship when they're in the longing and happy memories phase.

 

To help yourself get through that it's helpful to write a list of all the things you love about him and all the things that you don't like about him. Write down why you continue to break up and how it makes you feel. Once it's in written text it's harder to deny reality. In the end, reading what you wrote and taking a stand for your own mental and physical health will help you get through this.

 

Hugs.

[Danny H]

I don't understand taht she thinks it's a normal behavior to be w/ someone or try for someone who is and has been in a long term relationship, that there's a child involved who knows me and wants us to be a family, etc. . .

 

Yes unfortunetly the world is full of people who don't seem to have the morals as the rest of us.

 

The guy who chased my wife down knew we had 4 kids and had been together 17 years

 

But I guess there are always people who fall in love with our partners by mistake, without intentionally trying to.

 

Dan

[LiquidCherry]

You did the right thing!

 

I was married and my husband left for another girl. He came back and wanted to work things out with me and for the sake of our family I agreed. But when things got tough he left yet again for the same girl. That's when I stepped out of the picture. No way was I going to fight for him, no way was I going to compete with this other girl. He would have been happy to continue jumping back and forth when things stopped being rosy and he was great at trying to string us along. But like I said, I didn't want to play this game. I didn't even bother with an ultimatum; I divorced him. He is now married (and quite unhappily) to this other girl, what a catch she got!

 

I know what you're going through is painful and like you said, I too think it is possible he may decide to be with her ("easier and no rules"). If he doesn't want to change his behavior he'll have to find someone that will put up with it. Don't let it be you.

[frecklegirl]

Charliek just reading your post helped me today.......I am feeling so low also and used, and rejected....I am sorry you are feeling this way but I think you should be so proud of yourself for taking a stand. The right stand for your dignity!

I sent my ex 3 emails saying how he hurt me, the 1 more ( I am an idiot!) telling him I wish him happiness blah,blah, when I am dying inside that he choose the other girl..

 

What hit me reading these posts was that I really did not have him and was not really losing anything! He freaked when she found out he has still been seeing me because he would have lost the creature comforts and security he now has.......I wonder how long he can manage to "behave"....and now that she has lost trust, how will she feel?

 

I was all bummed thinking he will marry her and I will be so lonely and a loser.....I am allowing all this negativity to engulf me. I should really be glad I now HAVE to move on and have the ability to really find the right love for me.

 

I am scared and still feel lost without him, but I think I was living some fantasy world, because he lived with her, moved here to my town after I left him in another state for my job, still kept seeing/having sex with him, and then would feel so empty!! I want out of that sick place and now is the time to begin.

 

We can do this!!! It is a NEW YEAR and YOU DESERVE better than what he takes from you!!!

[charliek]

thank you every one! This defin. helps!! As all of you know we can be so strong for so many days and a brick wall smacks in our face one day out of the blue and it's a matter of picking yourself back up. But at least he is not able to see this side of me.To him I am the girl that is moving forward w/ or w/o him and it's easier for him to not deal w/ that and ignore me then to realize that he no longer has control of my emotions and my desires!! I promise myself and you all are my witness that I will never just settle, and although today I am feeling down about myself b/c of what he did, I know deep down inside this will pass w/o him ever knowing that I broke today!!

 

thank you for the words of encouragement and it makes me believe again that there are good people in this world who do hurt and have feelings towards other people and how their actions affect others. Keep your heads up high as I will do the same!!

 

Love ya all!!

[lovecrazy]

Woman's Poem

 

 

 

He didn't like the casserole

 

And he didn't like my cake.

 

My biscuits were too hard...

 

Not like his mother used to make.

 

I didn't perk the coffee right

 

He didn't like the stew,

 

I didn't mend his socks

 

The way his mother used to do.

 

I pondered for an answer

 

I was looking for a clue.

 

Then I turned around and smacked him...

 

 

Like his Mother used to do.

 

 

 

~ Atzum hu mimeni ~

 

 

Sorry But I thought that poem was kinda funny!

 

CharlieK- I am sorry this happened. Men can be just evil at time! You seem to be very stong, and self secure. You may feel weak at times, but think of the fact that he was playing games with your heart. This girl sounds like a jezabell! You completely did the right thing by making him choose. Its not fair to you, for him to be going straight between you two ladies. Honestly it sounds like he has to be in a relationship to be happy.

 

Please keep us updated. On what is going on with you and the ex?

 

It is a new year, this is where you can change anything you want.

You are a strong person