ithappens Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 I have been in a really nice relationship for 7 months. I really love this woman. I spend all of my time at her house, and now she wants me to move in with her permanently. I, on the other hand, like the fact that I have my own place and am not ready to move in together. Upon hearing this, she made it cler to me that her feelings would not slow up and unless I move in with her, we can no longer continue our relationship. When I asked her about this, she states that we practically live together now. I am just not ready to move in together. I tell her how happy I am in the relationship, but she tells me she is not happy in our relationship. Someone please help me!!!! Link to comment
melrich Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 I don't think that is a very fair ultimatum to put on someone, especially after just 7 moths. It sounds like you have made it clear to her that you love her and are happy in the relationship and she is telling you she is not because you are not living with her. Is that right? Then the first thing I'd suggest is you make sure you clearly understand why this is so important to her and see whether or not a compromise can be made. If not sounds like you are faced with a choice, live together or end the relationship. Not that I think you should be faced with that choice but if she is intractable then I'm not sure what other options you've got available. Link to comment
steff Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 wow, that doesnt sound right... from the way i was reading your post, she doesnt sound nice. she said shes not happy with the relationship unless u move in?? right??? how does that work, how does she think that it will improve the relationship?? i think u should 'step outside the square' and look at this relationship and see if it is really worth it. i hope everything works out for you. Link to comment
ithappens Posted December 28, 2005 Author Share Posted December 28, 2005 yeah, that is right. I stay over there all the time, she just wants more and that requires me moving in with her. This is frustrating because i am looking to do that in the future. Can someone give ideas? Thanks for the input steff and melrich Link to comment
DN Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 Ha she said why she is so insistent? Maybe she is concerned that you are not committed to her and is trying to make you prove something? Link to comment
ithappens Posted December 28, 2005 Author Share Posted December 28, 2005 Are you saying that I have to prove my love by moving in with her? are you saying that this is a test? Link to comment
melrich Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 This is frustrating because i am looking to do that in the future. Can someone give ideas? When in the future? Would she be comfortable if you said you just wanted some more time? I don't think DN is saying this is a test. I think he is saying what I was, make sure you understand her motives for this ultimatum. Link to comment
DN Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 Exactly. Information is key to understanding. So the best thing to do is start asking questions. And I certainly do not think you should move in with her if you do not want to. Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 7 months?? Man she's pushy!!! LOL Truthfully.....IMO...I would out the brakes on. Unless you are married OR engaged, there is NO reason to rush into moving into together. I am curious to what the rush is. If someone starts pressuring you to move in..whats next? Propose or get out??? I'd think this through long and hard.... Link to comment
ithappens Posted December 28, 2005 Author Share Posted December 28, 2005 Ladybug, you are right about that, if I give in and move in with her, the next thing would be her pressuring me about proposing. I never looked at that one. WOW, that was enlightening. Thanks Did I mention that she called it quits because I did not want to move in with her? Then the next day we got back togehter. Is this a power struggle? Link to comment
OceanEyes Posted December 29, 2005 Share Posted December 29, 2005 Is this a power struggle? It sounds a bit more of a manipulation scheme, whether or not she is directly aware of it. What type of family situation does she come from? There are possible issues here. I also agree with Lady Bugg about their being future pressures for more comittments down the road. You should really know what you're getting into before you make that leap. After only seven months, she shouldn't be pushing for cohabitation unless there are deeper issues at play. It's one thing to just suggest living together, or to talk about it, but she seems to be rather irate about your cautiousness. Be careful. Link to comment
SecretIloveher Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 Let me see if i can be a bit of help. Her feelings are basically racing at this point, ithappens. She loves you and wants to keep you to herself, she already has that but she wants that all the time. Its great that you want to slow stuff down but my advice is sit her down and discuss she needs to slow down for your needs. If she says ok then your set if she says no then it is up to you whether or not to end this or respect her and move in. -signed D4H Link to comment
RayKay Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 Let me see if i can be a bit of help. Her feelings are basically racing at this point, ithappens. She loves you and wants to keep you to herself, she already has that but she wants that all the time. Its great that you want to slow stuff down but my advice is sit her down and discuss she needs to slow down for your needs. If she says ok then your set if she says no then it is up to you whether or not to end this or respect her and move in. -signed D4H It's not about respecting her and moving in. Living together is not just like one giant "sleepover" all the time. It comes with more responsibilities, and more commitment. It's ESSENTIAL that both people are on the same wavelength. Some people move in thinking that a marriage will follow in a year, others do it to test whether the relationship can work, others do it just to save money. It's important that both people DISCUSS it and are on the same page. It takes far more respect in my opinion, or her and the relationship, to say, hey now, I want to give this relationship the time to grow naturally, and not rush things. How is it being respectful to give into someone's demands to move in? It should be a MUTUAL decision, something that both people reach together. Moving in does NOT guarantee security, or commitment, or that the relationship will work. So her feelings may be racing, but of course they are, they are 7 months in, they should be racing! Look, it can work. My boyfriend and I moved in 3 months into it, but we are both older, wiser, have lived on our own, have enough relationship experience to know it was right, and are at that point in our lives, we also decided it TOGETHER, it was the right decision for us. She is giving an ultimatum - I will love you only if you move in. If you don't, well, I'll just decide to not love you anymore. Does that seem like love? Why would you move in with someone whom just stated that they are not happy in the relationship for the sheer fact you don't live with them yet? It's not like you have been dating 5 years and are still not progressing! Sorry, but everything that was said goes off as a big red flag. This is a really unfair ultimatum at this point in the relationship. I think you need to discuss with her why she feels this is so important. I think there are big issues at play with her - and I don't think that her ultimatums will stop once you move in. I think she is looking for some sort of security, which she needs to realize comes from within, and from the bond you have, not your living arrangements. I really think that given this ultimatum, and knowing you are not ready, and given the red flags, you should let things end. Of course, ideally it should not have been an ultimatum and you could just allow things to progress naturally, but she has not given you much choice. There is something VERY fishy here though, and my radar is going off, and I am not even you! If you do take this step (though I really think you should wait until you are ready for that step too), I actually advise you don't get rid of your apartment/place quite yet. Link to comment
ithappens Posted January 3, 2006 Author Share Posted January 3, 2006 Thanks Ray Kay, I think you gave sound advice. I have decided not to move in with her, and let her know of my reservations. Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Thanks Ray Kay, I think you gave sound advice. I have decided not to move in with her, and let her know of my reservations. Let us know what happens, best of luck! Be prepared, it sounds like she is pretty demanding to get her way or no way... RayKay Link to comment
ithappens Posted January 19, 2006 Author Share Posted January 19, 2006 My girlfriend now ex stated that she I was not comfprtable moving in with her permanently, that she no longer wants to be with me. That's it Where do i go from here? Link to comment
ithappens Posted January 19, 2006 Author Share Posted January 19, 2006 sorry, because i am not comfortable moving in, she has broken up with me. Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 sorry, because i am not comfortable moving in, she has broken up with me. Well, as you and "we" (the collective enot we whom answered!) predicted, she was putting an ultimatum on you. If this was her reaction...ie to not consider you wanted to take your time and let things progress naturally...and she thinks love is something that is dependent on how well you follow her demands (and is withdrawn if you don't)...you are truly better off without her. I suspect she wanted you to move in to "secure the deal" and next thing it would of been telling you that you had to propose by your one year anniversary or something. She sounds like she is looking for any man honestly whom is willing to do that, and was not with you for the right reasons. It sucks, but you have no choice but to move on. Given her reaction, I would say it is unwise to give in to her tactics and move in with her....how happy would that be for either of you? She sounds like she has some serious control and insecurity issues she needs to work on. Link to comment
ithappens Posted January 19, 2006 Author Share Posted January 19, 2006 RayKay, i think what you are saying is right. The hard part now is the feelings that are there. Back to square one. All she had to do was be patient. Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 Yeah, they are, but time is a pretty amazing healer if we give it the chance. It's a shame, I know, but I don't think patience was on her agenda. I think she was looking to validate things, or give her security. Sadly, security only comes from within ourselves. She sounds insecure, and that would of had led to more problems in the future..... Link to comment
ithappens Posted January 19, 2006 Author Share Posted January 19, 2006 Very true. Thank you so much. Link to comment
ithappens Posted January 21, 2006 Author Share Posted January 21, 2006 Just an update to my situation... I went over to her house to get my things, and the house felt sooo cold. It is prob. a psychological thing, but when I saw her, she had no emotion on her face and it was as if we were never in a realtionship. She had all of my things packed and said she was ready to be married and we were on two different pages. I thought we were talking about moving in, now she is talking about marriage, what gives? Anyway, she told me that by this time next year, she would be someone's wife. I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT!!! The anger of that statement made me realize that she was not into me, she was just into getting married to someone. That was all she wanted from the very beginning. Link to comment
DN Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 The anger of that statement made me realize that she was not into me, she was just into getting married to someone. That was all she wanted from the very beginning. Probably the case - and what a good thing you did not fall for it. Pity the next guy she sets her sights on. Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Just an update to my situation... I went over to her house to get my things, and the house felt sooo cold. It is prob. a psychological thing, but when I saw her, she had no emotion on her face and it was as if we were never in a realtionship. She had all of my things packed and said she was ready to be married and we were on two different pages. I thought we were talking about moving in, now she is talking about marriage, what gives? Anyway, she told me that by this time next year, she would be someone's wife. I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT!!! The anger of that statement made me realize that she was not into me, she was just into getting married to someone. That was all she wanted from the very beginning. Bingo, just what I thought.....as soon as you mentioned she told you she would not "love you" if you would not move in, I could see it right away. And it's why I suspected if you moved in, she would be pressuring for marriage in no time! I bet you too after being married a year or two she will also be bored or cheating or nagging, because she was so focused on getting married, she did not care to WHOM, and she discovers they are incompatible, or not exciting enough, or that marriage is not security. I feel sorry for the guy, but I am very happy for you to have gotten out of there! Link to comment
Pixiemeat Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 I'm glad you did what you felt was right (which, incidentally, I did too), and I'm glad you got to see the side of her that others predicted you would see. 7 months is a very short amount of time to decide to move in with somebody, so I think you did the right thing in deciding not to. Well done, I hope you are well. Link to comment
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