still single

[pyemyster]

Hi I'm 23 yrs old, think is I've never had a girlfriend before and its now killing me, I often worry that I'm going to end up by myself, I dream everyday and for nearly every minuite of each day of having a girlfriend.

I guess I am one of theses quiet shy types which holds me back,

I also dread dating I've never been on a date before I guess i don't know what to expect or talk about, or even how to act on dates or where to go. but before all that I don't even know how to ask girls out.

 

I've started hanging around places like the gym to try and find someone, I go out to bars and all that with my m8s but shyness and confidents holds me back from approaching girls.

Things that go through my head when I see a girl i like are "no way she would be intrested in me" "Shes to good for me"

 

I really fear being by myself for the rest of my life, all the people I know around my age group have had relationships in the past or still in relationships, I'm trying really hard to try and figure out whats wrong with me, everyone else seems to find dating and coming in and out of relationships really easy,, but me.

 

One worry for me is now my way of life I've been single for 23 yrs and you start to live you're life in the same routine making changes in my life would now become difficult.

I just seem to see the yrs clocking up and every year I've told myself by the of next yr I'll have a girlfriend, but never seems to happen

[darkblue]

There are two types of change:

Forced change, and internal change.

 

Changing because you want to can be a good thing.

I suggest you work on your own self-esteem and confidence.

You mentioned that you think these girls are 'better than you', etc.

That is not the case. They are only human, just like you.

 

You should consider doing something that would satisfy you, and make you feel like you are worthy of companionship.

 

It could be joining a club or doing sport. Or even going out and helping people this Christmas.

Something that gives you that ego boost that you need.

 

Edit:

P.S. Welcome to enotalone!

[Liquidius]

Seems you lack quite a lot of self confidence, and to be honest, meetings girls in pubs and clubs isnt the best idea You're doing the right thing, going to the gym etc...but it'd also help if you tried to build up your self confidence. You don't know if a girl likes you or not, especially if you're not prepared to go and find out. Start by complimenting yourself on some features of you that you like.

 

The reason you're scared of dating is obviously because its new! But don't worry about what you're going to talk about and things like that, because conversation will either come naturally, or not at all. It's always good when it comes naturally.

[registered]

I think DB and L have offered great advice... I'm in a similar boat and it was slowly sinking. But things will begin to look up.

 

I've started hanging around places like the gym to try and find someone, I go out to bars and all that with my m8s but shyness and confidents holds me back from approaching girls.

Yeah, how much does it suck?! I tell myself to just do it, and sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. But I know that everytime I don't do it and go up to a girl I could be missing something great and that could the chance I wouldn't want to waste!

And iIf you let her get away then you'll just have to ask some other girl out and the more you put it off the harder it will get.

 

I really fear being by myself for the rest of my life, all the people I know around my age group have had relationships in the past or still in relationships, I'm trying really hard to try and figure out whats wrong with me, everyone else seems to find dating and coming in and out of relationships really easy,, but me.

Yeah I used to fear it too... but you can deal with such a situation if and when you get to it.

Live in the present... there's a lot of stuff you can do now to prevent it. So do it! Act now and prevent such a situation from occurring.

 

One worry for me is now my way of life I've been single for 23 yrs and you start to live you're life in the same routine making changes in my life would now become difficult.

Yeah me too... I had to start shaving and ironing my clothes again Lol. Things like that which I didn't even care about! So many things to change now.

The changes are hard to make... I'm just beginning to make them.

 

Jump ship bro... this one has better entertainment and cruises the caribbean

[PocoDiablo]

You know, in my opinion learning how to date and meet women is a lot like learning how to do anything else in your life such as learning to ride a bike, ski or snowboard, or a new job.

 

As with any other skill that you have to learn in life, you will only learn if you just jump into it and start making mistakes. When I learned how to snowboard my instructor told me something - "If you're not falling down you're not learning." In that case it was very literal. And he was right - I was going very slow, safely, and secure in it because I was not doing anything "wrong." Except for everyone else was at the bottom of the hill and I was still at the top...

 

So I took his advice in earnest and started pushing myself harder and harder. Well, suffice to say that half way through the lesson I left the group because I had learned more than enough and wanted to push things even further. Everyone ELSE was still taking it easy.

 

Of course, later that day I passed out from heat exhaustion because I pushed too hard, but that's just ANOTHER lesson learned.

 

So, let me ask you this, what have you learned about asking women out? Anything? From the looks of it you've never even walked over to a woman and said hello. Why not? It's not like she is going to bite you, right? I think the first thing you need to think about is making conversations. How do you do when you meet new guys? Can you strike up a conversation with them? What do you talk about?

 

Why don't you give us a better idea of what some of your problems are and then maybe we can guide you and give you some ideas of things to do or try to make things better.

 

Don't worry about it, there are lots of guys who are worse off than you - becaue they don't ask for help. Once you start asking for help answers will follow.

[Dating Coach]

pyemyster,

 

Hey man, you sound like I was once, but after I graduated High School I really was feeling left out. All of my friends (and I mean all of them) were in relationships but me. It was prety hard always being the odd wheel. It was then that I really decided that I needed to work on meeting women and getting them interested in me.

 

I'll be honest, it wasn't easy. I failed a lot, I froze up a lot, I even made myself look stupid on occasions, but I also learned a lot from each failure, and each time it got easier and easier.

 

I'd say my learning process was almost 2 years. But in two years I went from a guy who talked really quiet around girls (I wasn't like that with ANYONE else) to a guy that just doesn't care and is my normal outgoing self around everyone. Not only that, but I went from never having a date, to getting a date almost whenever I wanted one.

 

The key really is to put yourself in the positions where you aren't comfortable, and attempting to work through them. Yes you will fail, that's normal, but the biggest and hardest part for me was that first stage of putting myself in the positions which I feared.

 

I remember during college there was this SMOKING HOT BABE that I saw in the halls in between classes, and my younger brother was in a class with her so occasionally he talked to her in the halls. I started chatting with them everyday too. (Keep in mind I didn't persue this flawlessly, I was confused and was attempting to overcome my fear of talking to strange girls that I was attracted to, and eventually ask them out) After a few times of talking with her I finally sat down next to her one day and I asked for her phone number so we could do something sometime. She then told me that she doesn't give her phone number out to guys (which I accepted at the time but now know it to be a rejection). I gave her my number with little expectations of her calling back, but was at least happy that I did it. I later found out that she had a boyfriend of 5 years.

 

The thing was, I failed, and it was very hard for me to work up the nerve to ask, but I finally did it, and I was glad I did. What I was still doing wrong were a bunch of things, but #1 I was still getting myself way too worked up over someone I didn't know. She was a relative stranger, I should care less if she rejects me, but it still hurt some. Eventually after enough trial and error it won't really matter much to you at all.

 

This friend of my brothers is a big time player. He gets rejected all of the time but walks right away from one girl who rejected him and up to another without a second thought. This is why this guy is always with different women. He's good at meeting women-just not good at keeping them.

 

The point to all of this is that you now where your problem lies, you just need to start really putting the effort in to overcoming these fears that defeat you. It will get easier.

[SimonBlume]

"I dream everyday and for nearly every minuite of each day of having a girlfriend."

 

Quite frankly, do you think girls will like someone like this? I mean, you should wake up and do something. Dreaming does not bring you a girl-friend...sorry to say...

 

but all in all you're still so young! how could you come up with such crazy idea that you would end up all by yourself??? 23!

[Cathy86]

heheh yeahh youre still young m8

dont sound too desper8 cos soem girls will be put off but its understandable especially if you have girl/guy friends around who all have some1 special and stuff..but youre doing the right thing...confidence and self-esteem! You can do it !!! It's like everyhting else~ 4get about being shy and do smthng even if its silly..maybe some1 will notice you Dont give up and dont sound like its the only thing in life

Cathy ~

[ShySoul]

I am about to be 23 and I have never had an official girlfriend. Until this year I had not had a girl show interest in me. It used to tear me up. I used to feel sad and depressed and wonder if I will ever have anyone. You know what? Now I simple don't care. I've come to see that having a relationship is placed to highly on people's lists. Love happens when the time is right. Love happens when you stop thinking about it and stop looking. In worrying about it and thinking you have to have it, you put too much pressure on yourself. You just feel more depressed about what you don't have, and forget to count your blessings for what you do have.

 

Dating and relationships are nothing to fear. You do not need any special tips or guides, you just need to calm down and relax. Everything you need to know you alredy know. I am sure you are a good person. You treat people nice, with respect and class. That is what a girl wants from you. You don't have to talk about anything in particular, you will just be getting to know each other and having regular conversations. Talk about what is going on in your life, ask about hers. You'll end up talking about common interests, beliefs, friends. Conversation will flow if you relax and are with someone you are comfortable with.

 

The key is to believe in yourself. If you aren't comfortable with the idea of going up to someone and asking them out, don't do it. You'll probably end up being so nervous that you'll stumble through it, not end up anywhere, and walk away berating yourself for messing it up. So don't attempt something you aren't ready for. Instead look within yourself. Forget girls and relationships for the time being. Just focus on yourself. Focus on the great qualities you already have. Focus on your skills and acheievements. Spend time doing what it is that you enjoy doing. Follow your heart and live out your passions. Really love art? Then immerse yourself in it. When you do that you will be happier with yourself. When you become happy with yourself, you'll exude natural confidence. It will attract others to you and you'll probably find girls will be eyeing you.

 

First, you aren't going to find a girl in a bar. If you are shy and quite, a bar isn't a place someone who is shy and quite tends to hand out. Second, in going out and looking for it, you are essentially tortuing yourself and making the problem worse. You keep freezing and saying that the girls wouldn't like you. Which just makes you feel bad about yourself and causes you to freeze more. There are two ways to break the cycle. One, go up to the girl. Do you think you are able to do that? If not then go for two, don't go looking for a girl. Focus on everything else in your life, and the girl will come to you. (I know, I've had girls come to me recently).

 

Don't fear being you. You need to learn to love yourself and embrace every part of you, shyness included. Only in fully loving youself can you hope to find someone else who will love you.

 

And you are young. You will find someone when the time is right. For now, just focus on your own life. Relationships will come in time.

[knglerxt]

I have to disagree. I think this works for some people, but doesn't for others. I'm 24, and I've never had a gf. I'm by no means an ugly guy. I've had plenty of people compliment me on my looks. I was in the Air Force for 4 years. At this time in my life, I was pretty happy all the time. I had several guy friends. We went out and did stuff all the time. Needless to say, my life was pretty good.

 

But guess how many girls I met while I was in? None whatsoever. Of course, I've had social anxiety for several years, so that probably had something to do with it. But I didn't even get girls approaching me. Never.

 

I get looks from girls all the time, but they just don't approach me. I just don't understand how other guys can get girls approaching them, yet I don't get anything.

[LIFE]

^^That's maybe because you had Social Anxiety. When girls give you looks it means they want you to go talk to them.

[iheartchocolate]

In my opinion you have to stop worrying about finding a girlfriend so badly. I think just spend time on yourself do things you want to do, improve yourself self esteem.

I am 23 and never had a bf and it used to bother me like it did you, but you know what, now i happy being me and not worrying about a guy, im happy with my life and these things will happen in time, just take everything in your own pace, just because all your friends are in relationships it doesnt mean you have to be.

And remember there is nothing wrong with you, people just have different experiences in life, it is not a competition, sure they might have had a heap of girlfriends, but you have experienced different things. For example I know what it is like to have had social anxiety and depression and I also know what is like to overcome these things and it has made me a more complete, stronger person. Just be proud of yourself and who you are, and once your comfortable in your own skin, you are bound to attract someone who loves you for who you are, and not just being in a relationship for the sake of it. you have to be happy with yourself first and not need a partner before you can have a healthy relationship. A partner doesnt define who you are, you do. So i reckon get out there and and do things you have always wanted to do and have never done before, like for me I am saving up to go overseas and travel by myself, something i always wanted to do but was to scared to do.

I have read a lot of self help books which have helped me a lot and changed my life

some i recommend include:

Why Can't I ever be good enough? by Joan Rubin-Deutch

I Need Your Love - Is that True by Byron Katie

Don't Take it Personally by Elayne Savage

Feel the fear and do it anyway Susan Jeffers

 

I mean everyday is a struggle but you have to keep trying, even when you have bad days. Because it is harder to stay the same than it is to change, believe me I know!

Good luck

[easyguy]

I am 19 and have never been in a relationship with a girl, but I know that someday someone will take an interest in me, even if it will take a lot of work on my part to both get noticed and to make a relationship work. I am also slowly getting out of my anti-social shell. Of course I get bogged down about it sometimes, but for the most part, I enjoy being single. No drama, no extra expenses, no comprimises. Of course there are those moments where I wish I knew someone that I could share a sense of intimacy with, write a song for and mean it, but I usually get out of it after a while and enjoy my life.

 

Life is too short to waste thinking about all the negative things in your life. We all have negative aspects of our life. Enjoy the moments that make your life happy, whether it be taking up an instrument, improving your cooking skills beyond Chef Boyardee and Kraft, you name it.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Holy crap, you sound just like me when I was your age. Actually, you sound just like me a minute ago. Sorry I have no advice, I just wanted to join you.

[PassionatePices]

Hi pyemyster

 

 

What are your hobbies? I met some wonderful people through clubs i belong to.

 

Try that.

 

Drop me a line anytime.

 

Ciao For Now

[knglerxt]

^^That's maybe because you had Social Anxiety. When girls give you looks it means they want you to go talk to them.

 

 

If I didn't have social anxiety I could probably do that. It's hard enough for "normal" guys to do that. For people with SA, it's 10 times harder.

[Kevin T]

Shyness is rough, but it can be overcome.

[danielj]

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you are. Girls don't give me looks at all either. The times where I even just say hi to girls or start a conversation...well a lot of them take the "omg why are you talking to me" attitude lol. So, not a very good start for me either. I am somewhat overweight so I can only assume that is part of what is turning people off.

 

Worst part is, I've overheard girls on 3 separate occasions talking behind my back about how no one would ever want to date me. So that's a confidence booster right there heh.

 

I'm trying to be happy with my life, but it is definitely hard sometimes...especially on those weekends when there's nothing to do.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you are. Girls don't give me looks at all either. The times where I even just say hi to girls or start a conversation...well a lot of them take the "omg why are you talking to me" attitude

I get that same feeling followed by "Go away I've got better guys to talk to." Irrational yes, but I get that vibe and I doubt I am wrong.