Please read without Judging

[Deseo_a_morir]

Please do not judge too harshly what you are reading, I assure you I am already doing it for you.

 

I have been married for 20 plus years and have grown kids as well as one still at home. I have never been with another man, have never cheated on him, though he cheated about 8 years ago. (Took us awhile, but we worked through it) Now.. I am in the same boat. There is a couple that we became great friends with a long time back. They are more my friends then my husband because my hubby has a life of his own and I get left to my own devises alot. After several months of being friends with this couple, the husband and I started chatting online. We really got to know each other and I'm sure you are already putting it together... Feelings starting growing and now it has turned into an affair. I would absolutely die if his wife finds out. I love her so much and she doesn't deserve to be hurt. It wouldn't be as bad if my husband found out because he has done it to me before, but it is the wife I worry about, and their kids (still around the middle school ages), not to mention my own kids. I know how selfish an affair is, I know how wrong it is, but I also know how hard it is to walk away from when you are finally receiving all the things you really need! I love my husband, there is good sex, just no passion. I hate the way he kisses (always have) We have very little in common. I describe our relationship like a tree.. His half of the tree is grown up, with branches and leaves, while my half is stunted closer to the ground, with no branches. He will go off and do his own thing and leave me to do mine, but then when I find something to do, he is suddenly all over me, suffocating and afraid I will do something he won't approve of. I make him sound horrible, but really he is a kind, caring person. Just dull. The other man is intelligent and we have long conversations on many things, (My hubby is not well educated) He has taught me how to love myself and he works hard to make me know just how much he cares. These feelings aren't just about sex, they go so much deeper. I believe it is a true form of the word love, but I also know it can never be anything other then what it is. Believe it or not, I am a Christian woman and this has caused me to lose the closeness I once felt with the Father and that above all else bothers me.

 

I know the usual response to this would be.. walk away, stop it now, etc... but I have tried and just seem unable to do it. I'm not even sure what I am asking from you, the one reading this. I guess maybe I am just throwing it out there to see what someone else would do if they were in my shoes...

[Derek]

So many people will be hurt...

 

You are saying you are having an emotional affair (not physical?).

 

You aren't getting your needs met in your marriage, so needs are being met by someone else who was close.

 

What to do?

How about just reading the other posts in the forum a few pages back and see how others have dealt and felt about it.

 

Or try another forum like:

 

 

 

[novaseeker]

I completely understand the attraction you feel to the affair because you are having your needs met that are not being met in the marriage. That's why a lot of people have affairs, to be honest.

 

The problem is: where is this leading. At some point it will impact your marriage and his marriage. If you care for his wife as you say you do, you should end the affair, because you know the pain your affair with her husband will cause her, having suffered from that yourself in the past. And I think you have to know that what you are doing is kind of selfish ... I'm not saying you're a selfish person in general, but this act is selfish because it puts your own needs above those of everyone else, including your kids, his kids, his wife, etc. ... all these other interests are being subordinated to your having your own needs met, and that's objectively a selfish thing to do.

 

You certainly have the right to have your needs met. But you really shouldn't do it this way, it will only lead to pain for everyone involved down the road. If your marriage is unfulfilling, try to fix it and if you can't fix it then move on, but doing what you're doing will lead to a lot of heartburn at some point down the road for numerous people.

[BellaDonna]

Hi there. I have not been in your shoes completely....but my mother was in your shoes. So my response may be a bit biased because I speaking from the experience of one of the "grown kids" in the situation.

 

My parents were married for over 20 years when their situation occurred- they were about 43 years-old at the time. My father had a golf buddy- and him and his wife became very close friends with my parents. These 4 did everything together- cookouts, family events, golfing, even went to Mexico on a trip together.

 

My father was not as attentive as he could be to my mother....so she confided a lot in her friend (the wife of my father's friend) The friend and her husband shared an e-mail address and instant message screename. One day while on the computer, my mom thought she was talking to the wife online and it was really the husband. They talked more and more- and then it turned into an affair. It started off online at first- and then turned physcial.

 

To make a long story short- the truth came out- 2 families were put through Hell and so much pain. Friends becamse enemies.

 

My father, incredibly, took my mother back, with the ultimatum that she go to counseling. In counseling it was concluded that my mother subconsciously chose to cheat with my father's best friend to intentionally hurt him- since my father had spent so much time with this friend instead of his wife. (My parents are now divorcing for different reasons.)

 

But when my mother was having the affair with my dad's friend- she truly believed she "loved" him- they even looked at HOMES together and made plans to leave all of us- but nether of them would REALLY ever leave. They were fooling eachother, and using eachother in the cheapest way imaginable.

 

My best advice would be- run, don't walk...from this situation. I don't think cheating is ever acceptable, but this is even worse than an average case of infidelity. If you don't want to be with your husband then do the fair thing and get a divorce. At the very least, if you MUST cheat- do it with a stranger that your husband does not know, because the situation you are in now is dangerous, and it will turn your world pear-shaped. It's only a matter of time before it all blows up.

 

I would absolutely die if his wife finds out

 

She will, eventually. Either he will tell her- she'll catch him, or your husband will catch you and tell her. You're playing with fire here. (In my mom's case- she told my father after she realized what a mess she created and then my father told the wife and also wanted to kill his best friend - there was a big screaming brawl at the other couple's home with the 4 of them)

 

There's no other nice/ non-harsh way to view this situation. This treatment is not excusable for enemies, let alone friends and a person's own spouse. I look down on my own mother very much today because of it. If you do not want your life as you know it to fall apart, stop it now and take steps in the right direction to improve your marriage, or get out if you can't bear it anymore. But if you continue this way, major disaster is a guarentee. Maybe counseling can help you sort through this.

 

BellaDonna

[Deseo_a_morir]

Thank you for your replies! Especially you BellaDonna. It is important to hear from someone in close to the same situation and possibly the reaction that one of my own kids would feel.

 

I honestly believe I would be happier if I left my husband because he is not there for me in so many ways, but like everything in this world, it is so complex. I don't want to sound like I have this huge ego or anything, but he would be devastated if I left. He would really fall apart because he has a low self-esteem issue and doesn't feel he could get someone else. He could, he is very nice looking, loving and caring person, but would have a hard time taking care of himself. Also there is my "at home" child to think of. I believe my grown kids would hate me if I left, but she really would, she would be torn in two, right in the middle of her high school years. If I stay and get caught, I will be hated. If I leave, regardless if it is best, I will be hated. I really believe I am in a no win situation. Either I give up what means so much to me and think about everyone else or I hurt everyone else and make myself happy. I've never been a selfish person, I have always put others before myself, which is why I am still in this marriage, but now I wonder "when am I supposed to take care of "me?", cause no matter what course of action I take, someone will get hurt.

[Dako]

I'm sorry you're in this situation and in so much pain.

So far you have a husband who doesn't thrill you, and a guy who cheats on his wife with a married woman.

I would recommend becoming a single woman and figuring out what you want with a clear head.

 

My wife left me after losing the feeling, and I'm getting over it. He will too.

[novaseeker]

This is an odd way of looking at it, perhaps, but my sense is that you will be hated more for having an affair with another married person than you would be for leaving the marriage. A divorce is disappointing for everyone, but an affair is experienced as a betrayal by everyone, and the latter is less well received than the former, if you're trying to weigh what would be worse on everyone else.

 

Again, you have a right to have your needs met, you have a right to think of yourself. But doing it this way will end up badly, either way. The better way to do that is to end the marriage and then seek someone who can meet your needs ... someone who isn't married to someone else.

 

Opting to stay with your husband and have an affair over ending the marriage out of a concern for his well being seems odd ... believe me, when he learns of the affair (and it almost always comes out), he will be far more devastated in terms of his self esteem than he would be by a divorce.

[WildChild]

I agree with Dako. Obviously you need to find your happiness, but this is not the way. The longer the affair, the harder it is going to be on everyone. Not that any affair won't hurt people, but if you continue to do this for years on end the devastation is going to be worse.

 

The tricky part here is that if you tell your husband you want a seperation or divorce, he may suspect you as having an affair. So IMHO, I would do what Dako suggests, end the affair and find your happiness as a single woman

[lovecrazy]

I am sorry you are in pain!

 

I understand not being in a happy marriage. I, myself have never been married. But I remember my mother from when I was younger. My father cheated on every women he was ever with. And he had 10 marriages. And he passed away when I was 10 years old. I cant say for sure if I ever had any respect for him.

 

The reason I am saying this is because If it were only one time I could forgive him, for breaking up my family. But more than once. Good Lord that is alot.

 

My father was a good person, but misguided. And I was in elementary school, when my parents divorced. And You know what my mother met a man who had 4 sons of his own, and without those guys in my life, I would not be who I am today. (not trying to give my ego a boost).

 

But the thing is your daughter will be fine if you do leave your husband. But if you want to not be selfish, I would wait until she goes off to college. Or she graduates.

 

have you guys tried counseling?

 

Maybe that might help!

 

Good Luck!

[Deseo_a_morir]

I guess that's what has been in the back of my mind for many years now. That is....waiting until the kids have all gone on to their adult lives. The oldest boy is married and just had a baby, the 19 year is on his own, but has many, many problems. He is struggling so hard to find where he fits in this world. Adding something this major to his life seems even more selfish to me then leaving things as they are. The daughter at home is very much a Daddy's girl and is extremely close to both of us. She is only 15 and needs both view points on life's issue and again, I feel it would be extremely selfish to leave in the middle of her struggle to grow up. So I have thought about waiting until she leaves home and then worrying about my own needs and hoping nothing blows up in my face in the meantime...........

[WildChild]

When you say "hoping nothing blows up in my face in the meantime" are you saying that you may continue this affair until your daughter is emancipated?

[Deseo_a_morir]

I have tried to walk away, I can't. That doesn't mean I have to have a physical relationship, but it does mean that I do love him emotionally and it is reciprocated. We have no way of "not" seeing each other without announcing why and we will just have to figure out a way to keep it from becoming known. So, yes... "Nothing blowing up in my face" means it will probably continue. Right or wrong, unless you have walked these shoes, it's hard to understand why it can't be stopped like flipping a light switch. Doesn't mean I feel good about it or myself. I'll do my best to keep it from going any further, but backing out now would be almost impossible for me.

[novaseeker]

Eh ... I don't really understand why it would be impossible to scale back contact with the person other than when you two couples are together as couples. But in any case, you're playing with fire by continuing that path. I hope things don't blow up for your sake and for the sake of your kids.

[WildChild]

I have been on both sides of the fence, so yes I have walked in your shoes and there is and are ways to walk away.

[NoMoreWill]

I've been in a similar situation (luckily, no children) -- being the man who the wife has fallen for. The woman I was in a relationship with up until recently was married. I met her through, who used to be, a good friend of mine. She and I became very close and one thing led to another. We actually fell in love and she ended up leaving him. She actually would go back and forth for awhile until I thought would be the last time when we moved in together. She ended up going back because of her obligations to her marriage, the vows and the fact she, too, is a Christian who thought she lost her way.

 

He did find out and in turn, so did all of our friends. It became a mess. But, she got all the things from me she didn't get from her husband - a feeling of true love, support, emotionally, physically and in life. Our sex life was better than theirs and I made her feel like she could do anything she wanted. Yet, she says that he's a good man and that she loves him (to which I still don't believe). But, they are married and she wishes to give it (yet) another chance.

 

My suggestion -- divorce. He will find out. And once trust has been violated, it will be almost impossible to get back. Plus, if you're not getting what you want out of your relationship, what makes you think he'll ever change to give it? Unlikely, in my opinion.

 

I know my ex is miserable still. He hasn't changed. And I told her, "I told you so." But now she's got to deal with it. Don't make that mistake.

 

But don't steal another married man. Find another.

[sparklegirl]

Deseo_a_morir,

 

Wow! Like my husband you seem to be seeking that "breathless" feeling that we all have been deprived of after so many years of marriage. He wouldn't dear tell me this that has told many of our friends that what he wants most of all is to be left "breathless". Deseo_a-morir. Is this what you're seeking?

 

You finally found the man you can leave you breathless and suddenly you're whole world is moving about you. I don't know what kind of husband your husband is but you need to talk to him about your emotional needs and wants. Every women seeks that and expect at least that much from their husbands (if I'm making any sense at all).

 

That breathless feeling that you now have with this new man all that I am sad to say but will disapear over time. I'm sure that you're husband now left you breathless at some point in your relationship that's why you married him... When he had the affair you both made it work.

 

You have to consider the hurt and pain that this man's wife is going to feel, she is also friend. Nothing hurts more then to be betrayed by your own good friend. I am sorry Deseo_a_morir... that you're going through this... it is hard but if you can turn your back and walk the opposite direction you can get over the feeling, and save many heart aches and pain.