CHRISTMAS! going CRACKERS !!!

[Da5id]

apparently she had gone into work crying and telling all sorts of stories about her lousy boyfriend- I was dumbfounded to say the least least and tried to explain I rescued this girl from the gutter and made her strong

 

Oh man, do I know where you are coming from. I am guessing you're just like me. I'm a rescuer... I wrote a REALLY long post about it... check it out:

 

When you're done reading that, PM me, there's a LOT of information you need to know about this. There's an entire "treatment model" for people like you and me...

 

And if it's any consolation, I am doing REALLY well right now... happier than I have been in a long time, so the stuff works.

 

I had an ex that did what you're talking about... went around telling people about all the horrible things I did to her, when in reality, all I really ever did was take REALLY good care of her. I mean... REALLY good care... paying her rent, putting her through school, buying anything she wanted, and being extremely attentive/supportive.

 

I could not understand why she had made all this stuff about me and it hurt my feelings... a lot. What I finally realized is that she had to almost lie to herself to be okay with the ending of our relationship.

 

Some people put the other one on a pedestal when they break up, like they were the "one that got away." Others manifest negative views so that the pain of their loss is not as great.

 

Does that make sense?

 

-Dayvid

[lgirl]

hahahaha, blue boy! you'll pay for the hotel? now that has put a SMILE on my face!! thank you so much for your kind sentiments, it's really good to 'hear' stuff like that. i want you to have a good time too - so what are you planning to do? (no solitary wearing of xmas hats, okay?). [oh, side note: london and New York could've worked IF my ex had been a man and not a boy... sadly, i don't want to 'marry my own'...

 

also wanted to say, don't be too hard on yourself about feeling catatonic at the party. at least you went. one step at a time, okay?

 

Halfway thru' thew party a girl came up screaming at me about how I had treateed my ex... I have had it up to here with lies and deception - how do you cope with something like that?

 

wow!! 0.0 at the very least that must make you 'glad' you're no longer with her - she sounds totally out of control and lies are definitely a no-no. the only way to deal with it is to turn your back on her - unless you want to confront her, face her with her lies? (an option) but maybe it's better you don't lower yourself to her level. you KNOW the truth and you need to stick to it. i think she's badmouthing you b/c she feels bad about what she's done and she's just projecting it on to you (pretty transparent if you ask me!). she obviously feels very guilty and can't handle it, so she is trying to 'whitewash' herself. it's just another tactic to avoid taking responsibility for her own actions. people with a victim mentality like her (and my ex) ALWAYS blame others for their own failings!

 

don't let her play you like this.

[blue boy]

Hi DaSid, yes I read your thread a while ago - everything is spot on but it's getting your mindset to realise that that is the problem.

 

All I can see a the moment is my ex having a fantastic time, with fantastic nookie, opening lots of fantastic pressies on Xmas Day while I sit here incandescent with rage and brain totally messed up.

 

I would give ANYTHING not to think about her ever again, HOW do you do it. There's no blueprint - everybody reacts in different ways. I'll get round to a PM sometime - I appreciate your help.

 

lgirl - went out last night with a few guys bar-hopping but as James Blunt says "I'm so hollow baby....."

I am still in shock at the ferocity of the attack on me the other evening by somebody who knows NOTHING about the relationship. Yes, she is 'whitewashing' everything but she will gain by that; I am now perceived as the bad guy. This was done in the middle of a party the other night in front of all the new contacts I had forced myself to make since the break-up. They have shunned me since.

 

I don't want her to 'play' me but that is exactly what is happening and I am in a corner and it's frustrating. I need to COMPLETELY forget about this person but again how is it done (up pops some smartypants with 'time is a healer' again!)

 

Unfortunately I sent a text telling her where to go after the party but as usual no reaction.

 

The pain inside me is blistering and really deep - I just do not know how to cope with it.

 

 

I feel like applying for any spare vacancies as a leper at the moment.

 

What's wrong with a nice London boy anyhow ? (I'm not one bythe way!)

 

At least you are living in a place where you will soon meet somebody.

 

Enjoy your Xmas Day and spoil yourself rotten ! (Still waiting for the bill!)

 

I'm working and then playing golf - I want to get as far away from turkey and stuffing as I can.

 

Yo ! Ho ! Ho! (not)

[sweetsmile]

Your story reminds me of mine. The only thing I'm not quite sure about is IF he met someone or not, but I'm 99% sure, cause he doesnt contact me at all. I feel exactly the same way. i mean after almost 4 years together he doesn't even say HI or send a Christmas Card. Maybe because he wants to protect himself and ignore me in every way or because he has a new g/f. I feel really bad about it expecially now for Christmas. I feel like calling and knowing how he's doing but i'm afraid he'll hang up the phone. Why after so long time do I have such a pain getting over him? It's been almost 3 months now. Is it because of age?

[lgirl]

hey blue boy,

 

you make me smile!! listen first off, i'm sorry to hear you're still in shock about the verbal attack you endured the other night (and PS well done for sending her that text!!). she can only 'play' you if you allow her to. what i mean is if you really focus on the fact that she's just a sad alcoholic, then that might give you some distance - the sort of person she is means she would treat any guy the same way. it's not like she is capable of a mature love and just chose to act badly with you b/c it's you. you could be anyone, that's how she is. do you see what i mean?

 

okay, that's not going to make you feel tonnes better (how sad something that starts out so good should degenerate so badly, right? even the memories of them are tarnished by having to acknowledge they're a loser.tell me about it!!), but it will allow you to see it as her failing. in a way it's not personal - she's got problems and she'll lay them on whoever gets close to her. it's not a reflection of your worth as a person.

 

secondly, she will not gain from whitewashing herself. you know the truth and you can put that truth out there if you so choose. you can certainly text her to say you'd appreciate it if her sad little friends left you alone. it's up to you. i know how frustrated you must feel now, but you can either fight back or decide she's not worth it. (In the meantime write it all down as corrosively as you feel, as you might have to send her a letter to get it out of yr system. just an idea...). oh, and PS if your new contacts are shunning you b/c of the verbal attack, then they're not worth knowing!! i'm sure they're not shunning you - it's how you're perceiving things (it's easy to get paranoid in these situations!).

 

I need to COMPLETELY forget about this person but again how is it done (up pops some smartypants with 'time is a healer' again!)

god i KNOW how you feel!! at times i've practically wished for a lobotomy just to get my b****** ex out of my mind, ditch all the toxic thoughts. i have felt sick from it, like it's a disease taking over and then sad and worn down by their persistent presense. thinking how come i'm thinking about someone who treated me so badly - what's wrong with me? why can't i just find the OFF switch in my mind? ad infinitum...

 

i'm afraid i can't tell you how to forget her - i'm working on it myself! i want to extinguish every last memory of my ex, expunge my mind of every last trace of him. wipe him out. the only thing that 'works' has been changing my perspective: seeing him for the loser he is (hard b/c i previously thought he was great - even bought him Mr Perfect pjs - gaahh!) and trying to gain emotional distance, so that he recedes in my mind. but i look forward to the day when i don't think about him at all!!

 

hey, if you feel like applying for a new job, go for it!!!

 

hahaha, there's nothing *wrong* with London boys. but i want a nice american boy (or man, i should say as i'm thru with boys!! hahaha)!!!

 

At least you are living in a place where you will soon meet somebody.

frankly after what i've been thru i'm not interested in meeting somebody, tho' it's a nice thought. at first i wanted to replace my ex (had never felt like that before), but he did such a job on me, i don't feel up to dealing with anyone on an emotional level these days. the whole experience has confirmed my (original) fears that trusting someone with your feelings is not worth the pain involved. but i know i can't live my life that way. it has made me feel suicidal at times, to be honest b/c i can't see a future...

 

anyhoooooo, i will try to 'enjoy' myself on the dreaded day itself. are you serious about me sending you the bill? hahaha. that's a really generous gesture. and that's the last we 'hear' of blue boy!! hahahaha - JOKE!!

 

enjoy your golf!! i am very pleased to 'hear' you're getting away from it all. yule have a great time (sorry - couldn't resist getting that crappy pun in! haha). TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF and let me know how it goes

[blue boy]

Sweetsmile - sorry to hear you are in a similarly painful situation - I think you may be right about your ex having somebody different - but even then not even having the humanity to say hi or merry xmas is just very callous on their part - I feel like calling all the time but the fact is they do not care any more; despite all the threads on here about how dumpers think about their ex - if they have moved on they have moved on and are happy, at least for the moment - for the ones who do come back the damage has already been done to the dumpee.

 

What did you mean 'is it because of age?'

 

Christmas will be tough for you but at least you are breathing and healthy. We are mourning ONE insignificant person out of the whole universe instead of celebrating ourselves.

 

Just get through the next week and then a bright new year will begin (pleeeeeease!)

 

lgirl - Yes, nice pun - normally I would be rolling on the floor laughing lol Coincidentally my ex hitched with an American 3 days after the 4 and a half years was over - it isn't the same guy is it !! That would be funny!

 

Listen I really appreciate you taking the time to write that very long post - you are so sensible and wise, and your such a sweetheart buying pj's like that!!

 

I do try and focus on her drinking problems and imagine what it would have been like in years to come. I think her mother had similar problems and took her own life.

I loved this girl deeply and comforted her through an awful lot of emotional pain after she had been dumped after 14 years.

 

Ironically at the start of the relationship I said I would be a 'stepping stone' to better things but then I fell in love.

She is so strong now which I like but it was me who furnished with that strength.

It's good to read about other people in the same boat (HMS Titanic!) but when I switch off my laptop and lie on the pillow it's still torture.

 

I don't want to HATE and I really do not want to embarrass her - to be honest it will all be water off a duck's back I think. It is still hard to grudgingly ask her for a shred of humanity and still to be rejected without even a hi .

 

I shouldn't have sent a text when I was fuming and drunk - still am fuming at that other psycho at the party.

She said she had to comfort my ex in tears at work - why? because I had said the drinking has got to stop after several horrendous incidents. My ex was very clever and used to turn on the waterworks for attention - so I am the bad guy ! It makes me sooooooooo mad mad mad and at times I question my sanity.

 

Listen lgirl you take your time until you are emotionally healed - one day I dearly hope you will get what you deserve - oh and a promise is a promise still (but I'm not picking up your mini-bar tab lol !)

Time to nibble something!

Is Xmas over yet?

[lgirl]

hahaha, blue boy, you got me smiling again - thank you! - especially about so many of us being in the same boat (oh Titanic!). lol

Coincidentally my ex hitched with an American 3 days after the 4 and a half years was over - it isn't the same guy is it !! That would be funny!

yeah, funny in a i-must-kill-him-now way!! i can only hope not

 

I loved this girl deeply and comforted her through an awful lot of emotional pain after she had been dumped after 14 years... Ironically at the start of the relationship I said I would be a 'stepping stone' to better things

can i ask what you got out of it? i'm assuming you've read up on 'rescuer' tendencies etc? it sounds like the r/shp was not one of equals. i have to say when i read threads like this it makes me wonder how come so many of you guys (men) put up with behaviour like that/how come these women get to be so totally out of control and screw up and their bf still wants them? all i know is the coupla times i let PMS get the better of me or was a bit impatient about something that was it, r/shp over!! would i fare better if i was an addict of some sort i wonder? (laughs cynically)

 

anyhoo, the point i'm trying to make is that i think you've been hiding behind the rescuer's mantle and i'm trying to understand what motivates you (in an effort to prompt you to think about it...).

 

I don't want to HATE and I really do not want to embarrass her

i know how you feel, but you have to fight fire with fire or walk away. she obviously doesn't care about embarrassing you.

 

blue boy, you are not the bad guy! your ex has problems and being immature is just one of them! there's a price to pay for everything and she will pay the price for playing the victim. oh, PS her in tears at work? pure drama and attention-seeking. (how old is she out of interest?) she knows she's in the wrong, which is why she's trying to twist it and look like the victim. a discerning person won't be taken in and surely discerning people are all you've got time for these days?

 

thanks again for your kind words!

Listen lgirl you take your time until you are emotionally healed - one day I dearly hope you will get what you deserve - oh and a promise is a promise still (but I'm not picking up your mini-bar tab lol !)

haha, i didn't know it was a promise! am steering well clear of the drinks bar - alcohol is not my poison, haha!

 

enjoy your nibbles! Xmas? it's just another weekend innit?

[newby]

Hi Blue Boy,

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through and haven't really got any answers for you. I just wanted to say that my marriage of 21 yrs ended at the start of December when I discovered my husbands long term affair. I am in turmoil and going through pure hell. He too is being distant with me and doing some of the same things your ex is doing to you. All I really want to say is that I will be thinking of you at Christmas. We can be strong and get through this is suppose. We are good people who do not deserve this crap. All my family and friends are saying I will come out of this better tham him because he is so selfish etc. You will too. Don't be alone at Christmas come to the forum. It is such a help.

 

Have a good and peaceful Christmas Blue Boy. I will be thinking about you and wish you well.

[blue boy]

Newby - am really sorry about what has happened to you so recently - my heart really goes out to you. I am glad you have found this forum. Your pain must be really intense.

YOu must realise however that somebody who could do that to you is NOT WORTHY of you. You are feeling abandoned and lost now but at least you know the truth about him. Try to stay strong and keep posting and thank you for your support.

 

lgirl - have you ever thought about doing a creative writing course ? Your words certainly strike home a chord - no, I am not familiar with the 'rescuer' stuff although a counsellor described me as an 'enabler'.

 

I left her half a dozen times after really bad things , including infidelity right in front of my face; after I left she became completely hysterical - I know I am weak; couldn't bear her to be in the pain we are in now; and gave her chances (she is 41 by the way) I just felt so protective towards her; and she was perfect for the rest of the time. I didn't set the proper boundaries I suppose.

 

The relationship in essense was doomed from the start; there was no honeymoon period; it was an unconscious blur on her part. I suppose I always regretted not having those days at the beginning.

 

What is SO frustrating is that we came thru all that and were just beginning to have a stable relationship. I can see her point of view, she wanted committment (i.e. marriage)- I told her I wanted to be sure her problems were over - she got fed up and walked.

 

The problem is she in a much better position socially than I am and holds all the cards. All I've got left in the pack is the joker !

 

I played my part thereforeeee and if somebody isn't happy why should they stay.

 

However the whole point of this thread was the behaviour since then to destroy and erase absolutely anything to do with me. She packed up all my stuff and right at the bottom she had put every single pic of me - just so unecessary hurtful.

 

Of course now most of her really bad drinking problems remind her of me and I think that is why she has cut off contact.

 

I could hurt her, I could hurt her badly, but I don't think I can. there I go again, still forgiving !

 

You're right, it's just another sat and sun - pull a cracker for me if you get the chance and tahnk you again for your help.

x

[newby]

Thank you Blue Boy for your kindness. I am in a bad place tonight and finding it very hard not to phone him which would be a disaster as each time I do he hurts me more with his indifference. I have used up all my coping strategies today, phoned all my pals and cried to each of them. Kept as busy as I can but the cold hard reality is I am her at home totally alone. My kids are back tomorrow so it will be OK then, but tonight is not good.

 

I read back on all your threads and you voiced so eloquently what I am feeling. you have been very hurt too. The Forum is a great help, so much sensible advice and good to share things. it is so comforting when you get a supportive reply.

 

I find it so hard to understand why people think it is OK to hurt the good souls in the world.

[blue boy]

Newby - give your kids lots of lovely hugs today and concentrate on them - I hope you are feeling a little less down and disconsolate today.

 

Personally today I am a wreck, swinging violently between love and rage and frustration and loss and jealousy.

 

So a question for you all: What do I do tomorrow on Christmas Day ?

 

a) nothing at all (and then become really enraged because she hasn't contacted me) because I know she won't.

 

b) send a text saying 'merry xmas'

 

c) send the same but saying the reason I am sending it is to stop myself hating her

 

d) send a text telling her to stick Xmas and herself where the sun don't shine

 

e) hire a padded cell for a day

 

f) just stay nice and safe in the ealone room !!

 

What do you think ? Any other options?

 

Thanks

[newby]

Hi blue boy,

 

Sorry you are feeling so bad today, I am there with you but we will get through.

 

Last night I weakened and sent my husband a text which of course he ignored and today I am so mad at myself for being so weak and again giving him the chance to hurt me again. So my advice to you is do not contact her at all. You know in advance she will not contact you, you will just end up more hurt. be strong and ignore her. That will make her wonder why you have not been in touch. Power over to you.

 

Get out and about tomorrow if you can. Go for a long walk or a run. Watch trashy TV. Play loud music.

f) also sounds good. ealone is such a good source of comfort.

 

I am going to my sisters tomorrow, the first Christmas my kids won't be with their Dad - his loss. We will try to have a good day but I think it will be strange for us all. I wish I could visit ealone tomorrow too.

 

Just wondered - where is Doha?

[blue boy]

Qatar - in the Middle East

 

Have a nice Xmas Newby - the kids will survive and so will you - I feel you are strong.

 

I'll try and have NC but it will make me more enraged - I don't want to contact her but it is the only way I can think of that won'twant me to start treating her with contempt and causing her pain.

[lgirl]

hey blue boy,

 

creative writing class? FYI i AM a published author!! HAHA - JOKE!!! sorry, couldn't help messing with ya there. ithank you for your charming compliment! what you having to drinK?

 

okay, am sending this in a big hurry. i totally appreciate where you're coming from, but i think youneed toremind youof some cold hard facts:

 

1) she has a drink problem

2) she has cheated on you (HOW can youforgive that? she will doit again, so what kind of basiss for a r/shp is that?

3) she fails to take responsibility for her actions and uses hysteria and tears to get her way

4) she does not treat you with any respect

5) she has treated you badly and shown scant regard for your feelings

6) she is selfish and cold

 

okay,there's 6 to be getting on with!! i bet you can add plenty more. keep looking at that list.

The relationship in essense was doomed from the start

so why not dare to imagine you can do better, deserve better? you must turn your back on her b/c she isn't worthy of your feelings: she has shown that quite clearly with her hurtful behaviour. out yourself first (something i'm only just realising i must do).

 

furthermore, she does NOT hold all the cards. you are giving her more power than she actually has. oh, before i forget i wanted to pass this website address on to you. it's about the different controllingbehaviours that we use in r/shps - quite an eye-opener! i have found it extremely instructive. the reason i'm suggesting you take a look is b/c being an 'enabler' (rescuer) is actually a form of controlling another person. check it out - think you'll find the 'caretaker' section interesting. let me know what you think... here's the site: (i came accross it quite by chance and it's one of the best i've ever read. also has interesting exercise to do to work through it all).

 

i will try and pull a cracker for you blue boy! i'm just on my way to buy some schnacks for my hotel room (so i don't totally starve!! hur hur) and then go and check in.

 

and before i finish: DO NOTHING ON CHRISTMAS DAY!! THAT'S RIGHT - DO NOT CALL OR TEXT OR TRY TO CONTACT YOUR EX!!!! it is a question of pride as well. i know you will feel enraged she's not contacting you, which is why either writing her a letter and sending it would be good. but as for the day itself, i think you shld ignore her. otherwise you just risk another slao in the face. so don't give her the chance to hurt you again. you owe her nothing. if youfeel contempt for her, then feel it!! she DESERVES it for the way she's treated you. why are you trying to be the good guy? that smacks of passive-aggression, my friend and that ain't good. don't bury those feelings. if that's how you feel, that's how you feel. own them.maybe she deserves to hear some angry words?

 

okay, i could go on, but i gotta fly! i hope you read this before the Day itself. get yourself out of the house and have a good, long game of golf. the sooner you see you are 'wasting your sweetness on the desert air' (as my ma says to me) the better.

[newby]

No snow for you tomorrow then! Get out and enjoy your Golf. I totally agree with Igirl. You know she is speaking sense. Be strong.

Merry Christmas Blue boy from me and my kids xx

[blue boy]

NO, going to escape all the lights and tinsel and get some fresh air - still got Sky News though.

Thank you for the greeting - it IS appreciated - you are lucky you have lovely children to get you through - just keep smiling - and remember I and many others are always here for you if you are feeling bad.

HAPPY XMAS !!

[blue boy]

Is Xmas over yet ? I'm still under the pillow ?

 

Well look at it this way we are at least all still breathing !

[lgirl]

hey blue boy - well done! you're still breathing how was the golf? did ya call/txt yr ex? i had a good time at the hotel - even got a swim in (had the pool to myself!) i did feel a bit weird at first (kinda brought up memories of the ex, though i consoled myself with the fact that he isn't spending xmas in a nice hotel + he doesn't swim, so i prob wouldn't have used the pool if we had been there together - in a parallel universe obviously!), but the time went faster than i thought and i only got to sleep in on the Day itself.

 

i'm really glad i did that for myself. i think it has done me some good, slowly getting healed (god, i hate that term, hate the fact ANY healing has to be done even, ya know?! and as for people who say how you learn so much, grow from bad experiences like these, i say i was doing fine before, thank you very much! where's all this learning getting me? PS have you noticed how stupid people are always happy? i think that's the way to go. haha).

 

anyhoo, when i was on my way to the hotel, i thought of a coupla things i wanted to say in my last messg to ya (am not sure if you've seen it) that i missed out b/c i was in such a hurry. first off, i wanted to tell you the anger you've been feeling that she won't even wish you a merry xmas, i totally relate to. it's like how dare she cut you off when it should've been the other way around, right? after everything you did for her? wanna know how messed up i am over being 'rejected'? i get sudden impulses to call my ex even tho' i don't actually want to speak to him and know that if anyone should be doing some calling, it should be him with a big apology!! sometimes i want to call and just verbally abuse him, other times, i don't know why...

 

i have fewer impulses to 'call' him these days, tho' i still get them, but in the first few months after the smash-up i 'called' him a coupla times, then hung up. at the time it was almost as tho' i hoped to provoke him into calling me (b/c of course i CAN'T call him; he owes me an apology). even tho' i know i told him in my letter not to call me, i somehow hoped he would. but that's the crux of the matter: he wasn't the man i thought he was. he wan't man enough. and he has cut me off when it should've been the other way around!! (GAH)

 

maybe they cut us off b/c they can't face the repercussions of their behaviour and they know they'll be faced with it through us; they don't want to take responsibility for their actions and so it's easier to avoid it by cutting us off? i think deep down they're immature and scared to face up to stuff...

 

i wish i could advise you about what to do with the rage, but i'm still working on it myself. the only thing i can say is try to ride it out; acknowledge it (don't bury it) and try and channel that energy through some sport to keep the worst of it at bay. i know that sounds trite, but give it a go. i am still waiting for it to pass

 

though that said, i think in your case, as so much of how you're feeling has largely gone unexpressed, it might do you good to confront her with your anger in some way - be that verbally or in a letter, and i don't mean insults, just how you feel. one of the things i told my ex, to give you an example, is that all he had to do was talk to me, yet he 'botched it in the most sadistic manner'. that spoke volumes. you have every right to express your disappointment in her. it's up to you how you decide to do it.

 

so if that wasn't enough, now we just have New Year's Eve to get through, ho ho ho (ho-llow laugh)...

[blue boy]

lgirl - glad to hear you survived the day and spoilt yourself at the same time - it's funny you're advice is so spot on even though you are still raging incandescently - you seem much more 'with it' than I am.

 

I have a confession to make of course. I sent a 'merry xmas ' e-mail on Xmas Eve when I knew she would be at work. In it I said I was not going to lose my dignity by not saying that and I also told her I was happy for her and also that she was hurting me far more now than when we were together .

(although she reallllllly hurt me then at times !!)

 

I told her if she never wants me to contact her again in any form just to say that and I will grant her wishes - but she has never and won't even say THAT!!

 

NO reply of course and it is the SILENCE that kills.

 

I wasn't moping last night, I just felt sad for her and me but as usual angry - what do I do now? Write to her father and tell him things which would upset her? Tell him she really needs help? I want to do something to really hurt her - she deserves it full stop. Tell him how she nearly killed herself on occasions during alcoholic blackouts?

 

It's wrong but it's not wrong as the alternative is she gets away scot-free by treating people like this. She needs to learn a lesson really.

 

I'm sure she's blocking my e-mails by now anyhow - I tell you if I was to bump into her I would spit feathers.

 

Virtually every last shred of love is leaving my body for her to be replaced with resentment. I asked for nothing but simple recognition of me as a human being. It's beyond belief really - I don't care if she never wants to see or speak to me again all she had to do was say 2 words!!!

 

I play a lot of tennis and boy is her head on every ball that I hit !!

 

You don't know how good it feels to have you and others on here just acknowledge me. Any other self-esteem is receding as fast as my hair with all this stress !!

 

New Year's Eve is no big deal for me anyhow - Xmas is much more meaningful and sentimental. I have two weeks hols in England after that so that will keep me occupied.

 

You get off to the sales and treat yourself to something.

 

I just wish I could sit her down and make her read the words you wrote and have written a thousand times just to try and get it into her thick skull that I am not even talking about the relationship; I'm talking about her behaviour !!

 

Yes, we're all weak, but we're all insignificant in the great scheme of life - and it's far too short to wilfully hurt people to this extreme.

 

Anyway, always great to hear your intelligent little lectures - and I do try to put your suggestions into practice.

 

It's freeeeeezing here - good practice for UK !

 

I'm gettingbetter at erasing things out of my mind I think, which is good - at least I am not weeping every day like a Barbie doll !

 

Sweet dreams

[newby]

Igirl, Hi,

 

I have read your threads with Blue boy (does anyone else feel they are intruding when doing this?), and I have to say I have got so much help from your wise words.

 

The not calling thing is so difficult, but as each person seems to experience you end up more hurt when you do speak to them because the either show no remorse, guilt, love, interest or even worse can be positively cruel. I am stunned by this man who said I was the love of his life, loved me for more than twenty years and just over a month ago was helping me plan the family christmas, is now so cold and hurtful when I speak to him. He has said some nasty things and all I want to do is hurt him. It seems to me that he has been taken over and is no longer in his own body and a stranger is answering for him. It is so strange. I don't like him at all at the moment, don't think I ever will agian really. There are some things are unforgivable.

 

I think you are so right about the guilty partner not being able to make contact because it makes them face the repercussions. My husband is keeping well out of my way.

 

I was so impressed by your Christmas plan and you have inspired me for next year. I fancy visiting some european cities and think I will try to fit in a couple soon. I have started planning my hoiday next year with my daughters and we are all excited about that.

 

You sound so funny and strong I am sure you willl come through this well and stronger again. Your advice to others is spot on. Enjoy your new year - any nice plans?

[newby]

Hey Blue boy, We survived!!!

 

I was in a state on Christmas Eve, all tears and texting him (soooo mad with myself), but do you know what, on Christmas morning a sense of peace came over me (I'm not kidding! I am not particularly religious but and inner calm visited me) - might have been the sherry!!!

 

I went on to have a nice day. I did find myself looking around for him on a couple of occasions when I stupidly forgot we had split - can you believe it! I also wanted to ring him but resisted. I was lucky in that I was with alll my family. I was thinking about you and hoping you were coping OK. I know it must be hard when you are away from home. But hell we did it.

 

This is your first Christmas since you split with your ex and I was thinking it must be a little harder when you are that bit further down the line. I am still in a bit of shock and numb I suppose which probably helped me through (or was that still the sherry). I think you have had more time and a few more hurts to deal with since you split which has probably made it very raw for you - but you did it and it will never be as bad again. You will be stronger for coping with this. All my pals keep telling me I will be better and stronger for this experience - hard to understand that at the moment but I am sure it gives you life skills and resilience, even though it hurts like hell.

 

I am in agreement about New Year, I dont really care too much for that. Christmas was the biggie and WE DID IT - YAY!!!!

 

Now where is that sherry - (only kidding, I am not quite a total lush)

[lgirl]

hey blue boy,

 

well, i'm glad you think i'm 'with it', but i can assure you that's not the case!! it's always easier to give advice than take it. IF only i could take my own advice...

 

anyhoo, i totally understand how you're feeling. that's how i felt/feel about my ex - pure revenge and the desire to show everyone what he's really like, especially those he sniped about behind their backs. i was out of my mind feeling he's got away with what he did and is still walking around having escaped all censure for his inexcusable behaviour.

 

a coupla things i did to right that 'wrong': i "accessed" his cell phone (from 3,500 miles away - hahahahaha. where there's a will, there's a way!!) and called the 'mistake' he betrayed me with. i called her 'woman to woman' and told her exactly what he'd said about her - verbatim!! i even told her to look him in the eye and repeat what i'd told her, especially the word 'barrel' (that's what he'd called her). i basically told her 3-4 very hurtful things he'd said about her - word for word, including how he'd told me she had been a mistake - then i cut it short and told her 'believe it or not, those are 3-4 of the least hurtful things he's said about you, but i haven't called you up to hurt you. i just think you should know". i told her that there was no way i could be with someone who was using a woman as blatantly as he was using her, and as a final parting shot i told her not to give him any money (he'd told me she was trying to buy him)...

 

i considered facing his mother with the truth about him, but decided i wouldn't get very far. i also called his sister-in-law - who is an old friend of mine - and poisoned the ground for him there, simply by repeating all the things he'd said about her and his brother (who i might still fill in personally one day), and hinted there was other really bad stuff he'd said, which if she knew she'd never spk to my ex again (he told me her husband's cheated on her - she doesn't know). my ex has apparently kept a low profile with them since... he has also blocked me as sender on his hotmail (but i got around that! haha).

 

i have also done other 'small' stuff to inconvenience him, but i hunger for a more direct, satisfying revenge. i do a bit of (amateur) boxing and his face is the target on the pads more often than not, but it's not enough!! i felt so misrepresented and unable to defend myself at the time that i really want him to be taught a lesson - if a) i was in the same country as him and b) had a brother, i would have already had him beaten up for what he did. it's no less than he deserves; i want to teach him a lesson that you can't f*** people over like that and get away with it!!! i know it's not good to feel this way (b/c it's negative energy that's only comes back on me), but there ya go...

 

I just wish I could sit her down and make her read the words you wrote and have written a thousand times just to try and get it into her thick skull that I am not even talking about the relationship; I'm talking about her behaviour !!

then write her a letter!! get it all down, revise it until you've got all the points you want to make, in a concise manner - be frank, don't hold back, then let her have it!! mail it to her when you are satisfied it says everything you want it to - no matter how baldly you have expressed yourself.

 

i started my letter to my ex by saying that "it has now been almost a month since you so spectacularly derailed our r/shp and these last few weeks have all been about you. now it's time for me to set the record straight... it is with great sadness i realise..." etc etc. this will at least free up some space in your mind that's not obsessing over all the things you would say to her if you got the chance.

 

it's a crying shame (literally) that it should come to this - that the image you have of the person you love(d) should become so tarnished (by their OWN actions) - but come to this it has. i think part of your anger (like mine) is knowing that we were the stronger one in the r/shp, thereforeeee we should have ended things. it wasn't supposed to end up with them taking all the control and leaving us with a toxic mess to clear up, was it? (wry smile) anyhoo, keep whacking the tennis ball with her face on it!!

 

something a friend said to me that helped: my ex is lost (he lost himself through what he's done), but through all this i am finding myself. he is lost, but i am found... it's the same for you

[lgirl]

hey newby - i'm sorry you've felt you're intruding reading my threads with blue boy. they're not meant to be exclusive, so i'm glad you've joined in the conversation! well done for surviving xmas!!

 

oh, the not calling them thing - apart from trying to preserve what little pride you have left after being so cruelly blindsided!! - it is to spare yrself further hurt from them. you have to weigh it up like that: will you get more hurt by calling or not calling?

 

He has said some nasty things and all I want to do is hurt him. It seems to me that he has been taken over and is no longer in his own body and a stranger is answering for him.

your experience sounds so similar to mine - my ex changed so much (literally overnight), i seriously thought he'd had some kind of breakdown; i didn't even recognise his voice anymore. he was SO cold and i couldn't understand why (still don't, really).

 

this was the same man who only a month before he killed everything betw us, had been gushing about how he wanted to make my birthday in march the best ever, how he couldn't wait to see me to show me how much he loved me to my face, that it meant so much to him that we had come so far together (i am pretty much quoting him here). and who, even i saw him in march when things weren't going so well, still slept on the floor waiting for my call to say i'd got home okay...

 

needless to say when he sprung all his bs on me the confusion was horrendous. it was so profound i felt like i had concussion; i can only liken it to being in a car crash he must have known what he did; he must have heard my hurt and bewilderment. i can't believe he doesn't feel bad for what how he treated me - the love of his life (teh!!) - but i'll never know. i still can't reconcile the sweet, loving man i (thought) i knew with the treacherous backstreet boy he morphed into. like your ex, his behaviour was inexcusable and remains unforgiveable. yet here i am stuck betw wanting to hurt him and hoping he'll call me to apologise, 8 months on...

 

one thing i wished i'd done, but couldn't b/c of the distance that separates us, and that i advise you to do (if you get the chance), is to give him a big slap around the face!! even though he's not worth the bother, i think you'll feel better for it. you definitely need to find a way to express your anger towards him - he deserves to be faced with it - especially after 20 years of marriage. does he think he can just walk away with nothing said or done?

 

i'm glad i inspired you with my xmas plans i think it's great you're planning your holiday with your daughters already. that will be his loss! which cities in europe are you thinking about?

 

thanks for your good wishes, but i'm afraid i'm not feeling too good about the new year. i hate all those "it has made you stronger and wiser" platitudes, to be honest. perverse as it sounds, i just want what i had back, so that it can play out the way i wanted it to. i feel any hope i had for my future has been wiped out by this bitter experience and i am moving forwards only b/c i have to, not b/c i want to. needless to say, it's put me right off r/shps!!

 

i thought i'd be ending this year with a proposal of marriage (as he'd led me to believe), that i'd be at least half-way to living in NY with him; i didn't have a Plan B ready if the r/shp failed, so now i feel like i'm in no-man's land - i can't go back and i can't see forwards and i don't like being 'here'. this is not where i thought i'd end up or where i'm 'supposed' to be. and i'm still so angry about what happened. great isn't it? (sheesh)

 

anyhoo, you sound in a better place, considering. what are your plans for the new year?

 

[sorry for the long post!]

[newby]

Hi Igirl,

 

Didn't mean to sound stuffy about taking part in the threads. I am new to this online correspondance and unsure of the etiquette. I do feel a little bit addicted to it now tho. It just makes me feel so much better and that I am not alone in this.

 

Your story mirrors mine in so many ways. The ovenight change from a nice caring guy to a cold callous nasty deceitful liar.

 

I agree with you about the platitudes although I even find myself using them. Yes I will be strong again, Yes I will get through this, Yes he will regret it one day (I hope). I just wish it had not happened in the first place and I had my husband back intact and untouched by the hand of the other woman.

 

People keep asking me if I am angry yet, and when I say no I just feel dead inside and so very very sad, they then say oooh it will come and then he will have to watch out. Maybe then I will give him the slap in the kisser - or take your lead and get in some boxing training.

 

I am sorry you are feeling bad about New Year. Before I had my kids this was my favorite celebration too but since the kids I got out of the way of it. What are your plans - any chance of the posh hotel again. That sounded fantastic. I plan to be in my house with a good film on TV, a nice wine and cosy up by the fire with my dog. Both my girls will be out on the town painting it very red I should imagine.

 

The cities I have first on my list of places to see are Prauge and Rome. Then we will see, worlds my oyster as they say.

 

I sent the lying cheating husband a letter today. I took my time and was very careful in what I said to have the maximum impact. He won't listen to me and seems to have a magnetic field around him resisting any human emotion so I put it in writing. I hope he reads it because I put in a lot of home truths. Maybe I was wrong to do it but it gave me some satisfaction as I put that letter in the post box.

 

I have also spoken to a financial adviser and have an appointment with a solicitor next week. The system is different her in Scotland to the States. Solicitors are expensive but not as extortionate as they sound over there. I think I need someone fighting my corner.

 

I hate all of this and wish it did not have to be so but life just kicks you right in the pants sometimes.

 

We will get through New Year just as we did Christmas. Being a total child about the festive season all my life I never understood how some people find it a difficult time. Boy do I understand now.

[blue boy]

Hey you two ! Now it's me that feels left out lol !!

Newby, this forum is for everybody to support each other for as long as we need to be here.

 

Sometimes I think maybe logging on here is prolonging the damage but I feel the strength I get from it outweighs any negative impact.

 

You both did sooooo well to get through Xmas in your own individual way.

 

I know people say emotions follow a pre-defined set of stages after a break-up but I have found they all swirl around you at the same time. Sometimes I am still in the initial stages of shock. Even though I still feel awful - in terms of missing the person I am much better. and as I said before the senseless wailing and weeping has stopped.

 

I am concerned though as this has damaged me mentally and I feel as though I am going off the rails a bit. I have just gone away for a couple of days and my behaviour and emotions are becoming very unpredictable. I can go from deep depression to a simply catatonic state in a matter of seconds.

 

By the way Prague is a must see - the only thing is it is a very romantic city so factor that into your plans. Same with Venice which is gorgeous too - but the thing is Newby you are thinking positive things that you can do. Our lives at the moment (and yours in particular) are so different from what we were used to. Even though I pine for the simplicity of a loving relationship, there are things out there which we can do better when we are single.

 

lgirl - I read with relish your attempts to redress the pain you had been caused - "Hell hath no fury...etc..." lol I know most people would say you were wrong but I actually think you were right - otherwise they can just blaze a trail of destruction with no thought of other people's feelings.

 

I am still in two minds whether to do the same. I am far too forgiving I know , and I am STILL forgiving this loser. Have still to study that article in full yet you suggested.

 

I am working at 5a.m on New Year's Day so I will be well tucked up in bed by midnight. It looks a little bit nippy in UK at the moment by the way !

 

I won't be making a New Year's resolution but it is a fresh start - maybe this time next year we will all be blissfully happy. Let's hope so !