CHRISTMAS! going CRACKERS !!!

[blue boy]

DannysGirl ,

 

My emotions change a hundred times a day for a start - I haven't screamed any abuse at her at all - you're not saying the letter I sent was abusive are you? She was in fact abusive to me after the breakup but I know she was upset.

 

I have no intention of calling her at all , if I do anything I will write - the letter will not be full of venom, it will simply state that I will start telling everybody the true story of our relationship - there are things that will hurt her I know and yes it is spiteful on my part but my view is I have tried to be reasonable , she has refused, so now she must accept the consequences and have her mind messed with as well.

 

I know I would rather not do this but I don't consider it would be violent or abusive.

 

As you know when the irrationality hits, it hits bigtime.

 

All I will achieve is getting stuff off my chest but I know it would burn all bridges forever, but in a way that is what I want. I still feel she is controlling me by her actions.

 

The e-mail did make me feel better as I was calm and sensible.

 

Just two words from her on Xmas Day would erase all this senseless bitterness.

 

I have bent over backwards to let her have her way on everything.

 

I know you're right, but I know she's wrong.

 

Listen, you are very kind to keep trying to persuade me to take the higher ground - all I want to do is reclaim my 'damaged' mind; I have tried everything in 5 months without success. It's hard, really hard.

[annie24]

The thing about this e-mail, if she acknowledged it, she would have felt she was admitting, "Yes, I've been a baby. Yes, I've been acting like a selfish child. Ok, you are right and you are far more mature than I am."

 

At least, that's how I would feel if an ex sent me that e-mail. I wouldn't respond to it either. I would think in my head, "Man - that jerk! I am just trying to move on with my life, and he keeps picking at me!"

 

Try to look at things from her perspective. She has an ego also, and acknowledging your e-mail would be a bruise to her ego.

 

 

 

ie, you are calling her lack of acknowledgement towards you "pathetic." If she responds to you, she is saying, "Yes, my behavior has been pathetic. You are right."

 

I've been in a similar situation as you, but not with a lover, but with a friend. I pointed out some things that were totally correct - she said some mean things to me, and i called her on it. But, I think she didn't want to respond to me because she has an ego, and acknowledging she hurt my feelings and she made a mistake would have bruised her ego. We were friends for 10 years, and now, not.

 

Accept that no answer is your answer. You may not think so, but she is sending you a message LOUD AND CLEAR.

 

I know it must be hard - you had all those great times with her, and now she's just vanished and refuses to acknowledge you. Just try to come to terms with that. There's someone better out there for you anyways.

 

good luck

[blue boy]

Egos, egos, what is with people - what about actually displaying some humanity.

 

Yes you're absolutely right Annie - she will picked up on the word 'pathetic' I'm sure and that was a bad choice.

 

I still think as we will bump into each other lots of times in our environment a smile would be a better option than a glare.

 

I asked for nothing more than an acknowledgement.

 

I AM listening to your advice as girls and will follow it if my mind holds up. Of course I know you correct.

 

I still think it's cruelty on her part but people can be cruel we know.

 

Building bridges to me is better than burning them.

 

If I was pestering her with letters or phone calls I would understand but I suppose I'm never going to understand.

 

Let's hope Xmas Day sees me in a strong frame of mind.

[blue boy]

Was this too much too ask ?

 

 

I know you are going to take this all the wrong way - I'm not asking to see you;

 

I'm not asking you to open up communication in any big way;

 

I'm just asking for the person I spent a long time with to (God this is difficult!) recognise me as a human being.

[annie24]

I know - she should be more understanding, but she isn't. Actually, the friend story I told you about.... it's a long story, but 2 of my friends asked me about something about my personal life, and I didn't want to talk about it, so I got kind of upset. I e-mailed them both to tell them that their words were upsetting. Friend #1 apologized and said that she never meant to make me feel that way. Friend #2 (who I was friends with for 10 years) gave me a very mean response. I am still friends with #1, but not with #2.

 

I talked to a therapist once about this incident, he told me that friend #2 just didn't want to acknowledge her mistake. That was her ego issue.

 

Well, that is your ex also. Yes, when she sees you, the least she could do is smile and say hi, and keep walking. But, she isn't.

 

I've had some breakups where I see the ex on the street, and I ignore his existence. It is because I am very hurt about the breakup (they initiated it, I didn't) and I didn't want to talk to them.

 

I don't know who broke up with whom, but trust me, your ex is sending you a message. Try not to take it personally. it is more about her than it is about you.

[annie24]

Was this too much too ask ?

 

 

I know you are going to take this all the wrong way - I'm not asking to see you;

 

I'm not asking you to open up communication in any big way;

 

I'm just asking for the person I spent a long time with to (God this is difficult!) recognise me as a human being.

 

The entire e-mail is too much. You can tell by her lack of response. she doesn't want to admit that she's done wrong.

 

but, you're also broken up, so she sees no need to give you anything.

[blue boy]

Annie,

 

The story about your friend - it's things like that that make me so sad and angry.

 

10 years thrown away over a simple remark - what is the point - I would bust a gut to get a friend back.

 

This is what annoys me about people, they are so shallow and give up precious things in an instant.

 

It means essentially we can't trust anybody forever.

 

I was dumped, in some ways she was right to do so, I even acknowledged that.

 

Even so, for the first three years I spent thousands of ours building up her self -esteem. Things were so bad I would go round for a meal and she would be lying drunk on the floor.

 

I used to clean her and bathe her after alcoholic blackouts at parties.

 

I love(d) her dearly but wouldn't commit until she sorted herself (although she was improving dramatically)

 

This is all contributing to my (immature) bitterness and frustration now.

 

I think in the end I will just text Merry Christmas x on the day just to make myself feel good and to stop myself doing the opposite.

 

It has really, really damaged me mentally all this and she MUST know that.

 

It IS stopping me from moving on because she has control.

 

Sorry about your 'friend' again

[blue boy]

ps

 

so now I will end up hating her - what does that achieve for anybody ?

[annie24]

I know it is sad - maybe I overreacted, but I couldn't believe that she just couldn't say a simple, "I'm sorry about that comment" like friend #1 did to me.

 

I think though, that you have to take back control. Right now, you have given her control of your life, and no one should have control over your emotions except for you.

 

Don't let her get to you!

[blue boy]

People should say sorry more often Annie - all this heartbreak after people lose friendships or boyfriends - it's senseless.

 

We've let them go.

 

She has 'got' to me - that's the problem.

 

That was the whole point of this thread , how to regain my sanity and self - esteem.

[annie24]

I don't think you're going to regain your sanity by continuing to contact her.

 

I think you just have to accept that she is who she is, and it's got nothing to do with you.

[lgirl]

hey blue boy, how's the pillow bashing going? having read people's posts here i've got to say my own revenge fantasies are far more bloody and gory, but perhaps the less said about them the better!! haha

 

oh, i didn't follow what you meant by this:

Any dumper out there who is acting like this is inflicting unecessary pain on their ex - you are just twisting the knife - say merry christmas to them - that's all you have to do - you are not inviting them back into your life for goodness sake !!

 

maybe you could break it down for me as i'm not at all sure what you were trying to say... but just to let you know, there's NO way i'd wish my ex a merry christmas - i want him to be MISERABLE and SUFFER!! truly. but i guess that's just me and my rage, ho ho (hollow laugh).

 

have a *good* christmas - at least you won't be going through the same BS next xmas - something to remember. me, i'm booking into a good hotel where i intend to lie in bed watching TV and eating chocolate all day (that's the plan anyway!!). and if you feel like bawling your ex out, go ahead and do it, tell her how you feel!!

[blue boy]

Yes, but now as my love turns to hate all I will do is talk negatively about her and her actions to people, it still isn't hate to be honest.

 

Anyway it was her choice so now it will be my choice to tell people the truth about her which will hurt her.

 

Never-ending cycle of hatred begins thus !

[lgirl]

Yes, but now as my love turns to hate all I will do is talk negatively about her and her actions to people, it still isn't hate to be honest

 

tell me about it!! but it's the truth about her and she's responsible for that. you're not making stuff up about her. i know what you mean (oh boy do i!!). and just when you feel full of hate some perverse side to your brain kicks in with missing them a lil bit as well!! it's like they leave you with a toxic mess on your hands, is how i feel. SIGH. it's not good to have these negative emotions inside, to hate is negative, but there it is. that's how you're feeling (how i feel). maybe it's not hatred for them per se, but the fact that you HATE what they did...? either way, they (not the hatred) were the greatest negative in your life. and frankly they deserve how we're feeling. i just want my ex to go through what he put me through - to suffer for every day i've thought about him and for every tear i've shed over him, no more no less. i think that's fair.

[blue boy]

Hi lgirl !

 

Sorry, I was scoffing there so had my hands full !

 

Break it down ? Ok, what I meant was anybody who is the dumper in the last few months and were in a relationship which ended amicably should get off their hobby horse and say merry xmas to their ex; if they can appreciate they are probably still in pain; in some form.

This doesn't mean they want them to play any kind of role in their lives again and doesn't mean an olive branch of hope.

It is just quite simply being nice and reminding them them that they still think of you.

Don't eat too much chocolate, but spoil yourself with a massage or something , ther eare worse ways to spend Xmas !! I'm jealous already!

Despite all the sound advice I have received I would still like to give my ex a piece of my mind, god she deserves it.

I am still hurt I know, the last thing she told me was that a year ago she had gone for alcoholic counselling. Since the break up she said she was lying and had gone to relationship counselling without telling me !!

I forgave her for all her discretions because love is blind. We are on a level playing field now though.

I don't intend to bawl and shout but to calm;y express my views.

You sound pretty upset too, just carry on believing in yourself.

I need some new pillows !!

[blue boy]

I know where you are coming from lgirl - your mindset is EXACTLY the same as mine. They haven't witnessed the intense pain of every second.

Although having said that my ex did in her previous relationship which is why she is so messed up.

That is why I find it incredulous they can do the same knowing how you must feel.

When I left her a few times she was so distruaght and BEGGED me 24 hours a day to come back. maybe I should have done the same instead of the recommended NC.

Anyhow, it's still all senseless to not communicate.

Revengeful thoughts really do mess your head up bigtime.

Hang in there. How long ago was it?

[lgirl]

hi blue boy, hahaha, don't worry about scoffing (anything nice?). was just doing some work (!!), so sorry for slightly delayed reply. glad to hear we're on the same page...

 

okay, now i understand and i think you're right if there's no animosity that the dumper shld wish their ex a good xmas. but that said, who wants to hear that really? surely it's going to make you think yr ex (the dumper) is acting a tad smug? just a thought...

 

i know what you mean about all the sound advice - actually it makes me feel worse most of the time!!! i think you should give your ex a piece of your mind if that's how you feel. i wrote my ex a very angry letter (an upper-cut in every line) b/c i felt so powerless in the face of his cruel betrayal of me and had actually been struck mute with shock when the worst of it was kicking off. couldn't defend myself, couldn't nothing - let alone believe my ears at the way he twisted and distorted everything to turn it around on me (sheesh). it was like i had severe concussion, really awful. so writing my letter was my way of getting my voice back.

 

it's a total contradiction to what most people on this site would say, ie write all your feelings down but don't send it. i say phooey (politest word i can think of, hahaha) to all that. write it all down, exactly how you feel, leave it for a coupla days, re-read it and see if there's anything you want to add, then mail it!!! as i said in my letter to my ex, i didn't want to have to write that kind of letter, but then he didn't spare my feelings did he? also i sent it to him before i was really feeling the things i'd put in my letter - all the anger etc, was still in huge shock - but now i'm SO glad i wrote them b/c whenever i get to thinking of what i want to say to him, when the rage boils up again, at least i have the satisfaction of knowing that i did get to say them, via my letter.

 

so that's my long-winded way of saying i think you should let her know how you feel. face her with the repercussions of her behaviour. does she think she can just behave like that and just walk off into the sunset, not taking repsonsibility for her actions? sounds like she's done it before hence her self-pity over exes confronting her that you mentioned.

 

what you said about yr ex's past experience then treating you the same really rang true for me. how can they when they know how it feels, right? my ex was devastated when his ex cheated on him with his friend, so you'd think he'd know that cheating on me with his friends on-off gf (who he told me a whole year beforehand, just before he bought me a ring -!- that i would laugh at her if i ever saw her b/c she was sooooo huge she looks like a barrel) would devastate me. but he still went ahead even though he said later it had been a "mistake"...BLAAAAA!!!! i still can't get over it and when i say i have vengeful fantasies i mean VENGEFUL (bloodthirsty) revenge. not good i know. i think it must be my subconscious trying to work it all out; re-empower myself by murdering him (then fatally wounding her) in my dreams, heheheheheh - see, i've got it all worked out!! sorry - you're gonna think i'm crazy now. but it's just a reflection of how deeply i've been hurt, i truly took a mauling. and i haven't had one word of apology back from him; he has blamed me for everything... this all kicked off at the beginning of april this year.

 

hang on in there and don't be so hard on yourself. would you really want her back if she begged? it doesn't sound like a very equal or healthy r/shp, given her behaviour etc. it sounds like you're better off without her.

 

PS hope the pillows help. i do a lil bit of boxing (tres amateur) and it hasn't helped me release all of my anger. it's only ever a temporary effect. now if i could just punch him in the face who knows?? LOL, hahahahaha

[blue boy]

Fajitas actually !

 

Congrats on you 100th post lgirl - that guy sounds truly mad, but you got it off your chest with the letter (I am assuming he was at least semi-literate lol!), so that helped in you recovery. You should have boxed his ears in then!

 

Anyway you had a good vent there which is alwaysgood. I always feel safe and relatively rational on this site but when the laptop goes off it's back to those pillows !

 

Incandescent rage is awful, it really is.

 

Yes, I've read this site for months and there are some things which I just don't agree with - dumpees just become complete doormats because of their emotional state instead of fighting back, at least with their minds.

 

All this stuff about karma is just clutching at straws, as for the advice that 'living well' is the best revenge; well in most cases the dumper won't even know or see the ex again so they won't even be aware of the fact.

 

All I know is instead of going to a mega Xmas dinner we had planned I will be sat like an idiot alone with my paper hat on (not) as I was turfed out of the social scene. It's going to be a very, very long haul back and she knows it,

 

I've just had about enough of my ex and what she wants, I think it's time to treat her with the same contempt, so what if it means we'll never talk again; her actions have made that impossible anyway.

 

I think Annie and DannysGirl are right in what they have said about me getting the message loud and clear but I have just had enough of this rudeness.

 

The reasons my ex gave for leaving were just ludicrous and laughable - they were all the reasons I SHOULD have left her but I was too darned weak to do it!

 

Let's hope you do get what you deserve. Make sure that hotel is 5 star !!

[perseverance_rules]

I just wanted to write a quick entry here. one thing you have to realize blue boy is that the longer you hold in this 'grudge' against her the longer it will take you to trust and accept a new woman in your life. my exgf held a grudge against her ex's but still had love for one of them. we were together for two years, but it seemed like the whole entire time she was comparing me to them, and holding me to their standards, as well as holding that grudge against me when I had nothing to do with it...it was just a matter of time before her man-hating attitude got the best of the relationship...

 

so before you even think of getting into a new relationship, and i know thats not what youre thinking right now, you need to find it in yourself that you are happy with you, and move on only when youre ready to trust and feel compasionate with someone,...rebounds never work...its just a stage..the quicker you are over her, and happy within yourself the better...good luck

[blue boy]

Thank you for a male perspective and I concur entirely.

 

I don't want to hold a 'grudge' but as I keep saying it is her behaviour which is making me feel more grudgeful. It's a never-ending cycle.

 

As for a new relationship my heart is so heavy I can't think to even begin

to even think about that.

 

To say to forget is easy - to do is very different. That's why I feel I should stop forgiving her and start treating her in the same manner and play with her mind.

[Da5id]

Bro... look man, I get it. I really do.

 

The freedom from this pain for me came when I finally stopped going to HER for ANYTHING to make me feel better.

 

There is nothing there for you but more pain and suffering. She has nothing good for you... but there are a TON of others that do. I know it's little comfort now, but I promise, once you make a decision... not a statement, but a decision to STOP GOING TO HER for any of your emotional well-being... you will soon stop being disappointed, and the pain will begin to subside.

 

In my experience, by the time I finally get what I wanted to hear from whichever "her" it happened to be this time around, I am so over it that it becomes nothing more than a nice sentiment.

 

4 years after a rough breakup I got a letter from my ex telling me how I was the best boyfriend she ever had... how she wishes she would have married me and how I still have and always will have a place in her heart. 4 years later? When I got it I was like.. "Gee, that's nice."

 

As hard as it is... you are going to have to show up for yourself and NOT allow her any opportunity to hurt you... even if the hurtful behavior is merely that of silence. This is the whole principle behind NC.

 

Now, there's one more thing here... you mentioned binge drinking. When you are dealing with a heavy drinker, drug user or even someone that has serious chemical dependency, you are not dealing with the whole person. Their capacity to block out their feelings is heavily superior to someone that does not partake in over-indulgence. Later down the line of course, it always catches up with them, but it could take decades and that's her path... none of your business any more. Thank GOD... You really did dodge a bullet. I promise.

 

I have gone to a 12 step program based in and around being in a relationship with an alcoholic/drug addict and man... it is NO joke. They are like a cyclone, ripping through people's lives and leaving nothing but devistation in their path.

 

Bottom line? Any time you expect anything from this woman, I am betting that you are setting yourself up for pain and resentment.

 

As hard as it was, I had to start taking responsibility for my own well-being... and I have had to learn how to take care of myself. I don't mean cooking myself dinner. I mean doing the things for myself that make me feel great... and do not require anyone elses participation.

 

After a while, I am hoping to be just fine without a woman as my partner, so when I find her... she won't be the thing that makes life bearable... she'll be that extra something that makes it magical.

 

Does that make sense dude? I'm pullin for you man... PM me any time if you want to talk.

 

-Dayvid

[lgirl]

hey blue boy - hope you enjoyed the fajitas! i've booked the hotel and it's 5* (of course!!). i have to tell you that although i wrote that ego-stripping letter to my ex (and yes he's literate - very, which just adds to the mindf**k) it did NOT help and hasn't helped in my *recovery* - what's that?? the only reason i haven't "boxed his ears" (hahaha) is b/c it was a long-distance r/shp (i'm in london/he's in NY), but i have come very close to catching a flight out there and tracking him down. oh yes!! the only thing that's stopped me is my pride and the fear of coming off like some kind of mad stalker woman... (gak).

 

i have vented a lot since he smashed it all up, but it doesn't seem to help. i still feel the same - sometimes wonder if i've made ANY *progress* and i have to conclude that i haven't really, if progress means being over a person..

 

it's a shame you don't believe in karma - that's the ONLY thing that's got me through this nightmare, so it's hard to read you think it's clutching at straws. i want to believe that cruelty doesn't go unpunished and that what goes around comes around, that he will pay for what he did to me at the very least b/c he is such a loser he'll screw up by his own actions. here's hoping!!

 

instead of going to a mega Xmas dinner we had planned I will be sat like an idiot alone with my paper hat on (not)

so what are you going to do instead? the reason i booked myself a hotel is to take myself out of familiar surroundings, to do something different in the hopes that it will lessen (or at least not set off) the low i know is waiting for me. the worst thing i could do is stay home, feeling miserable and wondering if i'll ever hear from him and get the apology i'm owed (it being christmas and all, gah!!)...

 

you've got to do something for yourself - something nice, whatever that is. why should you suffer more b/c of her. try and salvage something for yourself, even if it's just renting a funny dvd and getting in some of yr favourite snacks. anything. go for a run on the day. go to the cinema. the hotel has a swimming pool and if i want i can have a swim on xmas day i've never done that before and i know he won't be staying in a 5* hotel, so just those 2 things already act as a boost to morale (and god knows i need as many boosts as i can get!)

 

i'm not saying the above is ideal, but my point is don't just accept your change of circumstances passively. do something, okay? and keep reminding yourself you are SO much better off without that rude, self-absorbed alcoholic - she deserves your contempt.

 

PS perseverance rules

the longer you hold in this 'grudge' against her the longer it will take you to trust and accept a new woman in your life.

while i accept that is probably true i have to say that b/c of what happened with my ex and the damage he did, it only confirmed for me that r/shps are not worth the pain involved and i don't plan on ever trusting a man again, much less letting him into my heart. i got too badly burned to make that mistake again!!

[blue boy]

lgirl - I'll pay for the hotel - really, just send me the bill - I want so much for you to hav ea good time- london and New York just don;t match - the best piece of advice I ever got in my life wa to 'marry your own' - Unfortunately once I found that I lost it.

 

Da Sid - if there is one post i will read time and time again it is yours. You speak the truth and although it may still take me time to realise it I really thank u for posting !

 

Ok, where I am it is 3 a.m. - I was invited out by a girl tonight who lives in a palace, great hi-fi, fantastic garden, out of this world place (shame the dog bit me) she was so, so lovely but I was catatonic.

 

She took me to the most amazing party in the world - I didn;t ignore her but she got upset - I just couldn't function.

 

Halfway thru' thew party a girl came up screaming at me about how I had treateed my ex - apparently she had gone into work crying and telling all sorts of stories about her lousy boyfriend- I was dumbfounded to say the least least and tried to explain I rescued this girl from the gutter and made her strong - but nobody knows the truth except me - I j

have had it up to here with lies and deception - how do you cope with something like that?

[blue boy]

DaSid - thanks again - your post really rang a bell

[blue boy]

and i mean - realllllllllllly rang a bell - thank u !