How do you forgive?

[victimofabunnycooker]

I never thought it would happen to me. I'm looking for help, I don't want the people in my life to know but before all is said and done they probably will.

 

I've been with my fiancee for 7 years. We got engaged in February this year. I love him more than life itself, but....

 

I've always had to deal with his exes. He has the type of personality that always wants to remain friendly with people, regardless of the situation. When we first started going out, he was getting over a bad breakup and a girl he liked who was jerking him around. Although I was very attracted to him, I held myself away from him because I was afraid of getting hurt. It took two years before either of us said "I love you" and decided to be together as a couple. It took five years after that for us to get to the point of being engaged.

 

Of those five years the first 2 were wonderful. We went through a lot of good times, and a lot of bad. I lost my job in 2000 and changed careers. I went back to school to become a teacher. This put a burden on us financially so in February 2003 I went back to full time work. We were in a taking eachother for granted place, but I think it happens to most couples after being together for so long. It was hard for me, though, because I always had to deal with him talking to other women.

 

About this time he began talking to a girl he met on a forum. She lives in Texas. At first it was just IM but eventually they exchanged phone numbers and began talking to each other for hours. I told him repeatedly it bothered me, but was not firm that he should not talk to her. I did not want to be a woman who put a leash on a man. I felt he's an adult, he should act like one, I should not need to control what he does, or who he talks to. The talking and chatting got out of control, and on Valentine's Day 2004 he had to tell me something, because her husband was going to contact me. Her husband had found naked pictures of my finacee on her email. Her husband also found chats that she had saved of conversations they'd had. The most hurtful things in the chat were the two of them saying "I love you" and "You're my favorite person in the world". My fiancee explained it all away that it was just talk and didn't mean anything, that the pictures were a joke. It took me about a year to get over it, but I did.

 

So in February this year we got engaged. My neighbor, a girl of 25, works at a jewelry store and helped him get my perfect ring. I've lived next to her for 9 years and we've been friendly neighbors but nothing more. She dresses like a hoochie, washes her car in short shorts and high heels, but she's got a belly, bleach blonde hair, and a beat face. I never imagined what happened over the summer would happen, because she's just so unattractive, not to mention pyscho, but it did.

 

In March my finacee started exercising. He, our son, and I all got bikes and started riding. We started walking at the local track, but I couldn't always go with him, because I had to be home with my son. So he started walking with this neighbor girl and her mother. Sometimes I would go with them, sometimes just he and the girl would go. After they went walking he would go sit on her front porch and talk. He would come in for 10 minutes to tell me goodnight, then go spend hours talking to her before leaving to go home. In July I was getting pretty sick of it, and told him he shouldn't be spending so much time with her. He said he did not understand why women don't like it when their boyfriends are friends with women, and if she had a penis it wouldn't matter. I told him he was right, if she had a penis it wouldn't matter. Anyway, at the end of July he put a computer on a credit card for her, that she was to pay off. She made 2 payments in August and September, before the * * * * hit the fan.

 

In the middle of September J went to a bar with her for her friend's going away party. He justified it to me at the time by saying his friend from school would be there and that her mother was going. I was enraged. He didn't know how close I was to breaking up with him, I even had my ring off for days and he didn't notice. But I couldn't leave because I quit my job in August to go back to school. He's supporting me right now.

 

At the beginning of October, I noticed he'd stopped hanging around her. He finally told me what the problem was. She told him, she liked him. This was on a Sunday. The Thursday before she'd called him to meet her at a bar in town, of course I knew nothing about it. While he was there she asked him if he was happy several times and he told her yes, he was happy with me. She said she "did not like this, the pretty, skinny, blond always wins." She threatened to ruin him, she told him she was not going to pay for the computer, etc, etc. I was angry with him, I told him he wasn't to speak to her again, unless it had to do with getting the money back for the computer. Which is how it was for the last 2 months. I thought it was that simple.

 

On December 5th, J was leaving to go home, and she came out her back door to smoke. I was in bed but heard her loud obnoxious voice and knew they were talking, so I went to the window to watch. I could see she was very agitated after he left while she finished her cigarette. He told me the next day he asked her for the money and she said she would give him the money, but he could see she was very angry about it.

 

Two days later he came to me to say he'd gotten a phone call from her aunt, telling him if he didn't stop asking for the money they would get a restraining order and that he would have to take her to small claims court if he wanted the money. I had never approached this girl up to this point, but we need the money and I was not going to let her punish him for rejecting her, so I went to her backdoor and spoke with her mother. I told her mother I did not want to speak to her daughter, but I wanted to know why she wasn't going to pay the money back. Her mother said they had every intention of paying. I asked then why did they have a lawyer call J and threaten him. Her mother said that was just her aunt. I told her her daughter is going to pay the money or we'll take her to small claims court. At this point C yelled out "It was a gift" which her mother repeated. I asked if it was a gift then why did she make 2 payments. C yelled from the background "Those were for jewelry for you" meaning me. I told her mother just because her daughter didn't get what she wanted did not mean she would get away without paying the money. I walked away and went back home. A few minutes later the police were at my door, and I have a disorderly conduct ticket to deal with right now.

 

But in the aftermath of all of that, J finally told me the rest of the story. The words he used were that "She tried to seduce me three times." The first was in August, she was drunk, as usual, and they were on her front porch. He was standing up smoking and she pushed him against the wall, kneeled in front of him and pulled his pants down to give him a blow job. He pushed her off and left. She called him crying to apologize and he forgave her, and maintained contact with her, still going walking. The second time was before they went to the bar. He was in her home helping her work on her computer, and her mother went up to take a shower. She was sober, and she started rubbing his penis. He told her no and left. At this point so he says, she started threatening him, that if he did not keep talking to her and seeing her, she would tell me they were having an affair. She again told him the blond always wins. The third time happened after the bar. He said he was again in her living room on the couch, she pushed him down, got a rubber on him and was riding him, but he could not get hard. She was telling him he wasn't happy and she would make him happy. I can't imagine how a woman could get a rubber on an unwilling man.

In any case, this all happened before he told me the first part of the story in October. I assumed there was no contact with her after that, but the day after he told her he did not want to talk to her anymore, she left about 10 messages on his cell phone in a few hours. In the last 2 months she has left numerous messages on his phone using a backdoor number so her phone number does not sho on his caller ID and it goes right to voice mail. On Halloween, she called him to meet her out. He told her no. The night he got the phone call from her aunt he mentioned to her aunt that he wanted the drunken phone messages to stop or he would file against her for harassment. The next day after I went over there someone was trying to break into the voice mail on his phone.

 

I hope at this point she gives up, but I don't think she will. It doesn't matter because I have things on her and I am going to use them to take her down, but am I the stupidest person who ever lived to still love this man? How do I forgive him?

[minnib]

hello,

please believe me if someone really loves you and respects you those kind of things would not happen! really!, it's only human to be tempted but we are ultimatly in control of ourselves. Having a relationship with someone who gets themselves into certain situations all of the time because they can't control themselves is very difficult. The bottom line is if he knows these things bother you and if he has trouble with temptation he should not get himself into all these situations. period! good luck with everything, remember only you decide how much you can put up with in a relationship.

 

peace,

minnib

"I'd rather have 15 minutes of wonderful then a lifetime of nothing speacial"

author unknown

[WildChild]

Welcome to 'e' and on a lighter note I chuckled when I first read your member name...very clever LOL

 

I agree with minnib. He seems to get himself into these types of predicaments all of the time and I can't say it is fate or coincidence. It's one thing to have mutual friends, but he seems to take this to a whole other level when spending hours and hours with these women. Your first clue was the whole email thing and you chose to forgive him. When he began this new found friendship with this witch of a neighbor, that was your second clue. He has a pattern here and he sees nothing wrong with it. He has gotten himself into hot water again and now that is when he fesses up, just like when the husband was going to call re: emails. Would he have told you about either should he not have had to? And buying some girl a computer? Third clue. Interesting aspect is I can't help wondering if they carried on the computer when they weren't together. And no, you cannot pull a man's pants down, put a condom on a limp penis and start riding a limp penis. He could have easily pushed her away when she first started, pushed her away as she was tearing and taking out the condom from the package, could have easily pulled his pants up and walked away before she had the chance to straddle him. Unless she had him tied up....hhmmm, no-don't think so. You owe this man nothing. If you are staying for financial reasons, you are hindering yourself from happiness and only bringing on more antagonizing pain. As for the computer, take them to small claims. He would have to since he was the one who bought it for her, unless it was on a joint account. She made two payments, so it is doubtful the court is going to see her side of it as a gift. Have any paperwork ready i.e. account records, bank records etc....she is a wacko, he is a con artist until he gets caught, and then he is the victim so he wants to believe. This isn't going to stop unless you put a stop to it...call off the engagement and wash your hands of this man.

[Mrocza]

The question is, do you WANT to forgive him?

You're not a stupid person. You were easily fooled by your love for this guy, but like you said, some things don't add up (How can you get a rubber on an unwilling guy)

Why are you putting up with this? I understand you love him but at the same time I wonder how much you love yourself. I always say it, but it's crucial to put yourself first in any circumstance. From the beginning you've been nothing but understanding, non judgmental, not jealous of the fact that he was hanging out with his ex's when other girls in your shoes would flip.

 

You forgave him after the internet incident with that girl, which I think wasn't a smart move on your part. You may love him but when there's blatant evidence of his betrayal (naked pictures, chats) you need to wonder how much he loves and respects you back to put you through something like that.

 

The incident with your neighbour just sounds like bulls*it to me. You need to stand your ground. You may feel like you still love him, but you don't. You're in love with the idea of him, what he was like maybe in the past, what he was like when he loved you. I don't mean to put you down but at the same time, you need to think about it. What man who loves a woman would do these things to her? I highly doubt any misunderstanding is apparant. Theres no rational explaination. If the neighbour was hitting on him, he should have stopped associating with her from the first sign.

 

You need to reorganize your priorities. Why are you going to let this guy walk all over you again? Why are you going to make him see that he can lie behind your back, to your face, f*uck around and STILL come back for more? Don't you think you deserve better? I think you do. I think you'd be better off alone than with a guy who doesn't deserve you or respect you. Guys come and go. You're still young and you're gorgeous. You can do BETTER.

 

You have to put yourself first. I know that you'll get through this.

[lovecrazy]

I am sorry, but he put himself in those situations!

 

How in the world do you get a rubber on an UNWILLING man!

 

I dont think so!

 

He couldnt get hard! Please all BS!

 

If he actually didnt do anything and you are going to stay with him! Then I would watch out for this stuff, and tell him he isnt allowed to have female friends unless you approve of it! If he loves you he wont!

 

If this happens again you NEED TO LEAVE!

[yeawutever]

Yea, how on earth can u get a rubber on an unwilling man, thats funny. That guy ur engage to sounds like BS and a realllllll llooooooooooossssssssssssssseeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Wut excuse is he gonna use next time when he really goes into having sex with that girl, "Oh, but she rape me", LOL, IMAO, no way, unless she had him all tied up and he has screaming for help then yea, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Find some other guy who''ll respect u and not a loser. Dump him and return the wedding ring, ur gonna marry a loser where u deserve better.

[WildChild]

Actually she doesn't even have to return the engagement ring, it was a gift. Hell, she could hawk it and use the money to get herself back on her feet!

[Dannysgirl]

I am in full agreement with Fairie and Ailec! This guy is a loser of monumental proportions and has demonstrated a pattern of this kind of behaviour. He appears to be EXTREMELY insecure if he feels the need to engage in this kind of behaviour with other women! He has shown you absolutely NO respect and has made a fool of you at every turn yet you are still wondering whether to forgive him???

 

Break up with this train wreck pronto and concentrate on building up your own self esteem so that if you are ever in this position again your response will be anger rather than understanding (believe me the only thing you need to understand about this guy is the fact he's an absolute tool) and you will tell said guy to get stuffed.

As for forgiveness I don't think that is a good idea right now as allowing yourself to feel rage about what he has done to you will really help you to get him out of your life for good. Perhaps eventually you can think of forgiving him for your own peace of mind.

From what you've told us here I feel a sense of real pity for the guy he is clearly a pathetic weed of a man, but what angers me is his mealy mouthed excuses for his unforgiveable treatment of you. The fact that he expects you to swallow this BS almost makes my head explode, does he REALLY think you're that stupid?

 

clearly he does - ditch him now, you deserve a million times better!

[charliek]

ok I believe in forgiving people. I really do. . .I am in a similar situation as you. I've been with a guy for 5 years and another girl has ALWAYS been in our lives. For over the past year I have had to deal w/ this girl constantly calling, emailing, txt msg, etc telling him how she loves him, wants to be w/ him, etc. But he lied to me. . .CONSTANTLY about talking to her and seeing her. Just recently, about a month ago, he got a txt msg from her at 6 am i asked what is that about and he said he didn't knwo. . .so i decided for myself to confront her. I called her. . .learned of many lies he was telling me. In the end it made her look stupid, made her look like she was after him, etc. Him and I broke up, b/c I confronted her. BUt I learned the truth. THis girl is STILL Trying to be with him. But you know what, I don't have to deal with it anymore. Once a third party is brought into the relationship, it makes you question everything about yourself. . .and I realized I do not want to be with anyone who makes me feel that way. Since we've broken up I have learned the following from him and take this for what it's worth. The reason he kept in contact w/ her even though he knew it hurt me and pissed me off was b/c it made him not feel and I quote "so committed" b/c we weren't married yet. And by me telling him no please don't talk to her (no matter what the reason was he only heard me say no) he chose to talk to her b/c he wasn't that committed as in marriage . . .it made him feel better about himself. Again, I fully understand where you are coming from and am here for you. But the moment YOU don't stand up for YOU and how he makes you feel, he will test the waters. . .first it was an inncocent im thing w/ the girl in TX, then progressed to him playing the victim (I got these stories too. . .) and who know what will happen next. . . It's a very unhealthy environment and is no way for you to live the REST of your life. . .think about that. . .THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. . .forgiving him is one thing, which i have done w. my ex. Knowing that in your gut that you don't believe, trust, etc him is another. You do not deserve to be treated this way and you know it. . .now its just a matter of getting you back to you. He isn't respecting you AT ALL. . so start respecting yourself. . .YOU KNOW she didnt force that rubber on him. . .YOU KNOW your gut is screaming at you "GET OUT NOW". . .your gut will never lie to you. . .he will. . .he has. . .and will continue to. . .seriously read the book "its called a break up b/c it's broken" I know u are not broken up but read it. . .you relate to me and what i went through and I related. . .its a light humored book to let you know. . YOU ARE NOT ALONE. . .if you need to vent or ask question etc, im here. . . but until you help yourself, it won't get better. . . if he KNOWS YOU NEED him, he will run with this and already has. . .YOU DONT NEED HIM. . .trust me!! You are so much stronger then you know. . .

[RayKay]

Sorry sweetie, but I think the issue is not "how do you forgive" but "should you forget".

 

I know there are men whom are indeed assaulted, and so forth, but I think you probably know your fiance and this girl enough to know that she did not "force him down and put a rubber on him unwillingly". Given his history of being a little TOO close to other women, and being quite disrespectful of your feelings about it, there is more to the story then the side you are getting.

 

It's not about "putting a leash" on him, it's about having enough self respect to know that you are worth MORE then how he is treating you. I am not for "controlling" my partner either, I don't believe that that should even be required, if I was at the point I felt it was required, I would realize this man was not the one for me! There is NO way a man whom loves and respects you would be talking to another woman for "hours" and sending her naked pictures. Absolutely NOT.

 

You are being taken for granted, he believes you are gullible and will believe any word he says. He knows you are not confident enough to feel like you can leave, no matter how terrible he is to you - he was shown that with the "online" chats with this girl where he exchanged nude pics.

 

Sweetie, you cannot change someone who has no intention or desire to change for themself. He does not care. This is not the first time, and I promise it would not be the last.

 

You say you love him more then life itself..but honey, what has he done to deserve that love? How about loving yourself FIRST to realize this man is not loving you in the way you deserve, that this is NOT how a relationship should be.

 

If he is truly sorry, he should be telling you the truth, and going to counselling with you, not still lying about what really happened, or turning the blame on you for overreacting for example.

 

Gather your strength and get yourself out of there. You CAN make it on your own. Staying out of fear of being on your own is NOT a good reason because you CAN make it and many many many women can attest to that.

[victimofabunnycooker]

Thank you all.

You've repeated everything that has been going through my head. Since this happened he's been at me to push up the wedding date. This from the man who took 5 years and me telling him I was going on with my life without him, to ask me to marry him. I of course told him no. I am definitely not ready for that.

 

I told him if we stay engaged I need a new ring, because this one is tainted. If I leave him I won't be able to finish my teaching degree. I only have a year to go, 3 classes and student teaching. I think the best thing for my son and I would be to finish that this coming year.

 

The hardest thing for me is I have never put up with this before. I left my son's father before E was born, because he disrespected me. I think I am afraid of making a hasty decision like that again and making life harder for the two of us, once again.

 

I've always thought of myself as a pretty confident person. That would be the first thing people would say to describe me. I am trying to examine myself and figure out why I choose men who end up hurting and disrespecting me. Of course there's alot more to J than him hurting me, and he's said he's never going to have another female friend, but do I really want to spend the rest of my life watching for it? And what if it takes another 5 years for him to do it again? I'm five years older, more time wasted and I'm dealing with the same hurt again. The hardest part is I don't want to hurt him, and I know it would hurt him if I left him. And if I can't forgive him, if I stay I'll hurt both of us.

 

So my decision is basically: take a chance, a chance that he won't hurt me again, a chance that he will.

 

What a f-ing mess.

[Dannysgirl]

Hi,

 

It seems that your main reason for wanting to stay with this guy is the security he provides for both you and your son. I know that financial security is important but is it more important than your own self respect?

As for not wanting to hurt him, well he doesn't appear to have any qualms hurting YOU does he? Now he's saying he's not going to have a female friend but isn't this something we've heard before? This is all just smoke blowing and telling you what you want to hear, as soon as he gets his way he'll be back to his old tricks again.

 

Do you really want to run the risk of making this kind of commitment to a person who treats you in this way? Would'nt a better way of looking at it be 'well he's hurt me more than once before, I'm not going to give him the opportunity to do it again' rather than 'I'll take a chance that he won't do it again?'

Come on dear, surely you have more respect for yourself than that? Don't convice yourself that you can't do better than this guy because quite frankly a moose could do better - I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but its true and from what you've said you're no moose so kick this guy to the kerb and find yourself a real one!!!

[WildChild]

What is his purpose to move up the date? To prove to you that he loves you? What he needs to do is to figure out why he feels the need to go to such great extents with other women i.e. emails telling him he loves her, buying someone else a computer when you are financially strapped let alone the whole idea of doing it for another woman.

[victimofabunnycooker]

What is his purpose to move up the date? To prove to you that he loves you? What he needs to do is to figure out why he feels the need to go to such great extents with other women i.e. emails telling him he loves her, buying someone else a computer when you are financially strapped let alone the whole idea of doing it for another woman.

I don't know why he's so gung ho to move up the date. We actually only set the date after he told me the little bit that was going on in September. To be honest he proposed after we had a big fight in February. The original date was June 9, 2007 after I'm done with school. Right before he told me the rest of the story he started talking about getting married this coming summer. When he told me everything I told him no way for this coming summer. The only thing I can figure is that he is scared I'll break up with him. I've told him if he ever cheated on me I'd break up with him. Maybe he's just trying to seal the deal so its harder for me. Whatever, it doesn't matter now. I'm still deciding what to do. My mom tells me this is a hiccup in a relationship..... I don't think so.

 

And I was still working when he put the computer on his card. If she'd been a decent person instead of Alex from Fatal Attraction the computer would have already been paid off at this point so it shouldn't have mattered.

[yeawutever]

Lol, wut u mean if he ever cheated, u already did emotionally.

[WildChild]

Your mom told you what???!!! This is just a "hiccup" in the relationship?!!!

 

OK, I am going to step out on a limb here, and mean no disrespect to your mother or you, and you don't have to answer this but what kind of a relationship does your mother have? Is she still married, divorced, widowed??? I ask because you wonder why you keep choosing these kind of men that do this to you, and because of your mom's comment I am wondering if maybe your reason for choosing these kind of men is because of your mothers relationships as you were growing up

[WildChild]

Lol, wut u mean if he ever cheated, u already did emotionally.

 

Not following you on this one.....hmmm, when did she cheat?

[charliek]

The only thing I can figure is that he is scared I'll break up with him-

 

ummm m m no he wants his cake and eat it to. HE knows he has a good thing w/ you. . and he KNOWS he can get away with what ever he wants when it comes to other girls. He tested the waters and each time he tests, he see's how much it'll take before you try to put your foot down. But even when you do try to put your foot down, alls he has to do is give you a ring, and then he can continue on w/ what he wants to do with other women. Basically he knows that he is doing wrong, but doesn't care b/c he KNOWS that you will always be there. Stand up for yourself. You said yourself, you know that he's not going to change. Not now at least. Why would he, he gets away with this crap and you stay with him. . . .

I don't mean that to sound harsh but it angers me b/c I like I said was in the same boat. . .but the best feelings is when you get to tell them "NO I am not going to allow YOU to do this to me anymore. . ." As soon as you take ALL of the control over you back away from him he will freak out. I am not saying he's a control freak meaning not letting you go or do anything. But I guarentee you b/c I have been there, that you know he has control over how you feel about yourself and that's even worse. But as soon as you decide for yourself that you are not going to allow that anymore, and he starts to sense your independence from him, watch him squirm. . .I hate the excuse of money for not being able to get out of a bad relationship. If he was beating you I am almost positive that if you didn't have a dime to your name, you would get out w/ your son. You would have friends and family that would help you out to better your future. I bet that they would in this situation as well. . . but please if you do have to live w/ him or whatever. . .start getting yourself back to that confident woman who doesnt put up with this crap. its a great feeling!!

[Dannysgirl]

You might not want to hear this but it takes two to tango, this woman may well be Alex from Fatal Attraction but your boyfriend constantly put himself in innapropriate situations with this girl, she's a free agent and can do what she wants even come on to other people's boyfriends if she is so inclined (I'm not condoning it and she is a tramp for doing it but she has no emotional attachment with you and has no boyfriend) it was your boyfriends job to ensure that nothing happened and to cut off any contact with once she tried it on - that is his responsibility as YOUR boyfriend so don't be fooled by his attempts to villify her because at the end of the day he is MORE to blame than she is.

I also think there is MUCH more to this than meets the eye and more than what he has told you.

If she was able to get a condom onto his supposedly 'flaccid' penis then clearly activities of a sexual nature went on - who knows they may even have had sex?

 

Please consider all of what this person has done to you before you consider taking him back and please at the very least put marriage on the back burner for a good few years to at least check out his behaviour in that period before you take such a life altering step. I think you're right about him wanting to marry now so that its more difficult for you to get out of later, why NOW all of a sudden? In my opinion he has realised you are at the end of your rope and are NOT going to allow him to have his cake and eat it too. Before it was just dandy because he could do whatever he wanted to it seems and you would just forgive and forget but the prospect of being alone clearly scares him which is why he's trying to railroad you into marrying him now before your eyes open properly and you realise what a scumbag he really is.

 

Please don't make the mistake of thinking you are going to be alone forever if you break up with him, staying with him means you will not have the opportunity to meet somebody who REALLY cares, loves and respects you. Believe me there are MUCH better men out there, and you will find him when you least expect to but not while this guy is still around.

 

If you do get back with him and I STRONGLY advise against this!!! ](*,)

Please do so contigent ONLY on his willingness to go to counselling regarding these insecurity issues and do not under any circumstances marry him until he has proved that he can keep away from other women and keep it in his pants!

[Dannysgirl]

Charlie you sound like a very strong grounded woman to realise the game your ex was playing and put a stop to it once and for all.

 

Kudos to you!

[WildChild]

I do have to throw this out there as well. You said you don't want to move the wedding date up because of everything, and you orignally stated your date was in 2007. You also mentioned you have one year left of school and would probably have to wait until you finished to be able to leave. Obviously you have needed to depend on him for financial reasons, and we are ripping this guy apart for very apparent reasons. However, could his mistreatment of you, lack of respect for your feelings, needs, and desires be a mask of his feelings because deep down he realizes in essense you are using him financially?

[victimofabunnycooker]

As to my mother she has been married to my father for over 35 years. The love they have is the love I want in a relationship.

 

As for the girl, she got engaged a month after I did, to a guy who lives 3 hours away, so technically she wasn't a free agent, but he was so far removed from the picture it didn't matter. And oh heck yes I blame her way more than him. She was my neighbor before he came into the picture, I invited her into my home, I was friendly to her, I defended her when people would talk badly about her. When I say she's a bunny cooker I mena she's a bunny cooker. We have a friend, he is a teacher, he got married last year. His wife was friends with my neighbor, but she was not invited to their wedding. When she found out we were invited and she wasn't, she threatened to "ruin" them as well. She sent his wife an email stating he bought her junk jewelry and that he had cheated on her. Even though J and I both knew this, and even though I told him not to get close to her, he was still a dumb * * * * and did it. I think part of him was trying to prove to me that I was wrong for questioning him on having a female friend. Saying "I told you so." gives me absolutely no satisfaction.

 

On another occasion she used our computer to well.... pull some shady stuff on another one of her exes. I am going to take her down there is no question of that. She is purely and simply trash.

 

I don't know if I am going to stick it out until I finish school and then get out or if I am going to invest anything into actually making this work. That's why I don't know about the counseling. I've thought about it, but I don't know how much good it would do.

 

I really thank all of you. I needed some objective opinions, other than a mother who doesn't want me to end up in a bad financial situation, basically to reaffirm I'm not crazy for considering breaking up. Its hard because I've been with him for so long, and I ask myself should I throw all of that away, but can I really give someone 2 chances?! Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

[victimofabunnycooker]

I do have to throw this out there as well. You said you don't want to move the wedding date up because of everything, and you orignally stated your date was in 2007. You also mentioned you have one year left of school and would probably have to wait until you finished to be able to leave. Obviously you have needed to depend on him for financial reasons, and we are ripping this guy apart for very apparent reasons. However, could his mistreatment of you, lack of respect for your feelings, needs, and desires be a mask of his feelings because deep down he realizes in essense you are using him financially?

 

 

I have a BS in Chemistry. When we met I made twice what he does. He is self-employed. After I lost my job in 2000 I immediately started substitute teaching, still making more than he did. When I went back to school I took out the max in student loans, I'm in debt up to my eyeballs, but he never paid one of my bills. He bought all the luxuries he wanted, lived part time with me and part time with his family. When I quit school in 2003 I had a job making more than him and paid all my bills. He was the one who pushed me this year to go back to school. I told him I would need help at times, that the surplus of the loans would not cover all of the expenses. If he could not handle that I wouldn't go back. He said he was fine with it. November and December of this year are the only times he has ever paid any of my bills. If he ever made the claim that I was using him for money I would seriously consider beating his * * * * *!

[Dannysgirl]

I do have to throw this out there as well. You said you don't want to move the wedding date up because of everything, and you orignally stated your date was in 2007. You also mentioned you have one year left of school and would probably have to wait until you finished to be able to leave. Obviously you have needed to depend on him for financial reasons, and we are ripping this guy apart for very apparent reasons. However, could his mistreatment of you, lack of respect for your feelings, needs, and desires be a mask of his feelings because deep down he realizes in essense you are using him financially?

 

I was wondering the same thing, just how dependent on this guy are you?

Do you have a job? I'm sure your family would let you move in with them until you get sorted out properly - rather than see you unhappy with this guy.

If your plan is to use him until you finish school I would STRONGLY advise against it as it WILL backfire on you. Your boyfriend probably realises that he has the balance of power in your relationship because you are dependent on him which in his mind gives him the right to treat you like dirt - what would you do without him afterall? Its never healthy to allow somebody to have this much power over you. A similar thing happened to me where my boyfriend drained me of all my savings etc until I was totally dependent on him - he then went on to be very emotionally, physcologically abusive knowing full well that I didn't have any option but to allow his behaviour to continue.

 

I eventually got up the courage to leave and transfer to a different university using a hardship fund I got from the student union and help from my parents - it was like a HUGE weight had been lifted off me because I was now in control of my own life again. It was a big pain at the time but ultimately worth it to get out of that situation. Had I not done that I am sure I would be dead now as I later realised he had been hiding essential medication from me and putting various hallucogenic drugs in my food to gain further control of me (this was proven by drug testing) I also lost almost 20 pounds and was VERY sick, I'm very grateful I got out of there as you can imagine because now I am married to the sweetest, most respectful, loving wonderful guy I could even imagine existing and he came along when I wasn't even looking!

[WildChild]

 

 

I'm chuckling even more and having to keep it in cuz I am at the office right now. I didn't put two and two together about your name and the fatal attraction comment.....ahhh, God that is gr8 LOL