one for the dumpers

[lgirl]

okay, quick question for those of you who have 'dumped' your partner(s). i've been reading stuff lately about break-ups and i keep reading that the dumper also feels bad when the r/shp breaks up, usually very guilty and doesn't just move on as easily as it looks to the dumpee. news to me!!

 

so my question is how bad do you feel, how does the guilt manifest, what kind of thinking accompanies how you feel (how do you feel?) about the person you dumped? do you think less of them if they cried and didn't want to split up? was it a struggle but 'something' inside drove you on? what stopped you from relenting and giving it another go/trying to work it out? did you doubt you were doing the right thing?

 

i am asking this b/c it seems many of us have been left stranded in a post-relationship void, feeling that only we are hurting and in pain and unable to understand why/how our partner who dumped us can just cut off from us...

 

so pls help us to make some sense of 'your' reaction - just how 'bad' does a dumper feel in the aftermath of ending a serious r/shp?

 

(hope all this makes sense - am typing this in a hurry at work!!) thanks

[Hannibal]

While I'm not a dumper, nor have I ever have been, I'm just going to say something. Part of the reason why it seems like the dumper has moved on so quickly is because they've already been preparing for the break up before (most times) the person who gets dumped even knows about it. The dumper has begun the healing process long before the dumpee even knows what has hit them!

[PocoDiablo]

Part of the reason why it seems like the dumper has moved on so quickly is because they've already been preparing for the break up before (most times) the person who gets dumped even knows about it. The dumper has begun the healing process long before the dumpee even knows what's hit them!

100% agreed.

 

I've dumped women before, but I always knew ahead of time so I was already prepared, so to speak, for things to end.

 

For me, the hardest part was the actual delivery of the bad news, so to speak. Many women start asking tons of questions and cannot accept the fact that it is over, so it takes a lot longer. I usually just have to say something like "I know you have a lot of questions but it's over and I have to go now. Good luck."

 

Afterwords, I have always felt relieved.

[lgirl]

The dumper has begun the healing process long before the dumpee even knows what's hit them!

 

1) so how does the dumper prepare? what time frame is this within? how come they (the dumper) need to heal?

 

PocoDiablo, i'm asking with resopect to serious r/shps, women you cared about not how you felt after dumping women you've dated. (sounds like you've hurt quite a few women's feelings; you owed them an explanation at least...)

[kellbell]

The dumper prepares emotionally, mentally, and maybe physically...

 

 

Emotionally-knows things are over, weighs pros and cons of staying or leaving. Starts to think what he or she (the dumper) needs and wants out of life...

 

 

Mentally-picks a time frame on when to break up and what he or she is going to say. Prepares for questions the dumpee is going to ask and prepares on how the dumpee is going to react or behave....

 

Physically-if living together, the dumper may make arrangements in finding another place to live, may start packing stuff, etc.

 

So the dumper has a lot of time to prepare and think about how to end the relationship. People tend to fall out of love, move in different directions, there can be some kind of abuse going on in the relationship, loss of chemistry or attraction....there are several reasons why people break up, it's no one's fault, things happen. But the dumpee needs to keep in mind, which would he or she rather have, the dumper stay with him or her out of fear or guilt of hurting the other person, or would he or she rather be with someone who loves him/her and is totally committed to the relationship. It's either be loved completely or be strung along. Plus no one should ever stay in a relationship out of pity or guilt, that's is not love at all. Just my thoughts.

[shes2smart]

I've been the one doing the dumping more often than the one being dumped. For the long-term, serious relationships (1+ yrs duration) I've been in, I've initiated the break-up in 3 of them, one was a mutual decision to split, and I've gotten dumped once.

 

In the 3 relationships I chose to end, it was hard to come to that decision. There was a period of several months in each case where there was a lot of trying to make things work (at least on my part), a lot of talking about why I -- and sometimes the other person -- was unhappy, and so forth.

 

Eventually, there comes a day when you KNOW you've done everything you are capable of doing, and everything you are willing to do to make it work, and you're still miserable. The previous few months of trying to sort things out have resulted in nothing. At this point, I had already been preparing myself to end the relationship....everytime another need didn't get met, after the umpteenth million fight about the same damn thing that never got resolved...you do start to envision your life without all this pain and drama anymore.

 

If you're with a partner who thinks this is all part & parcel of a relationship....OR if you're with a partner who doesn't think there are any problems because THEY'RE getting what they want often enough to be happy, it will seem to come out of the blue to them when you announce you're leaving.

 

In each of the 3 relationships I ended, the guy in question was shocked and stunned by my "sudden" decision to leave. That just confirmed to me I was doing the right thing. Because I knew I had tried numerous times to address the various issues. I had everything chronicled in my journal, so I KNEW there had been multiple chances to get things back on track....that he never chose to take those opportunites is not my fault or my problem. That there had been so many second chances they chose to take for granted doesn't obligate me to give them "second chances" continually.

 

As I've said before when this topic has come up, the reason the dumper seems to move on (and SEEMS is the key word here, I still had plenty of crap to sort through post-break-up even in the dumper role) quickly & easily, that's only because they've done much of the separation work PRIOR TO the break-up. The person getting dumped doesn't start their work until AFTER the break-up.

 

Bottom line: Break-ups suck, no matter if you are the dumper or the dumpee. Don't fool yourself into thinking it's easier to be in one role or the other...they both have their unique sets of challenges and pain to be dealt with.

[PocoDiablo]

PocoDiablo, i'm asking with resopect to serious r/shps, women you cared about not how you felt after dumping women you've dated. (sounds like you've hurt quite a few women's feelings; you owed them an explanation at least...)

I was actually referring to my marriage of 11 years... I've only dumped one woman I was dating. All the others dumped me!

 

There is a point where you have to understand things have to end. While I may have made it sound like I simply walked up to a woman, told her "We're through" and walked off, that has never been the case. Never. However, after I have tried to explain things for several hours over several days, and no reason is "good enough" there is a certain point where I have learned I just need to stop.

 

Sometimes people just don't want it to end, and by continuing the conversation only lengthens the process and hurts both people more. There is no good way to break up, in my opinion, so even if I did do it quickly or even over the phone (yikes) it would not matter.

 

Bad news is bad news, no matter how nicely you say it.

[Dako]

I'm still very close friends with my dumper. She's having a hard time getting over things as well. It's no picnic for her since we both pledged that "til death do we part" stuff in 1981. She did the best she could to plan the event, such as timing it for a Friday morning, leaving right away so I could explode in privacy, that sort of thing.

 

Thanks for clarifying things, PD, I misunderstood your post as well.

I imagined the worst for some reason. Often guys can get a little cavalier about ending a relationship in order to save face or boost their ego.

[patience]

Generally speaking, for the 'dumper' it is often over before it is officially over. S/he already knows the 'dumpee' isn't 'the one'...or s/he has given up on the relationship. Unfortunately, some 'dumpers' let the relationship drag on for months, for all sorts of reasons, even though they know they are not as emotionally invested as their partners.

 

Keep in mind, what is true for one 'dumper' is not necessarily true for another. Each situation is unique.

 

Unless the 'dumper' is afraid of you (if you are abusive or a stalker for example), IMO s/he really owes you a face to face conversation, so that you both have proper closure. Leaving someone with unanwered questions, IMO, is quite cruel.

[moondog627]

Ohhhh yeah. After 2 years together I got the phone dumping. And she wouldn't see me because she said she was scared of me. This is total BS though because I never did, nor would I, hurt her. She was the most precious thing in the world to me (and I showed her that during the relationship). The only time I really flipped out was when she was dumping me. And after accepting it and calming down she still wouldn't give me one last hug goodbye. She wouldn't even return my things in person. Instead she got a friend to do it. So with no real closure, no proper answers my sadness turned to rage. But that rage is gone. Happiness is making it's way back in my life again. As for her, I feel only pity because she is young. And I know her time is coming.

[lgirl]

thanks for the replies so far. but i am wondering if i've made myself clear. i want to know about the SUFFERING/PAIN you guys have been hinting the dumper feels - details pls!!

 

shes2smart -

and SEEMS is the key word here, I still had plenty of crap to sort through post-break-up even in the dumper role)

it's the crap i'm asking about - what kind of crap does a dumper have to sort thru?

 

they both have their unique sets of challenges and pain to be dealt with

what challenges does the dumper have to face? what kind of pain?

 

Patience -

s/he really owes you a face to face conversation, so that you both have proper closure. Leaving someone with unanwered questions is quite cruel.

 

that's what my exbf did to me, which is why i'm trying to understand...

[novaseeker]

thanks for the replies so far. but i am wondering if i've made myself clear. i want to know about the SUFFERING/PAIN you guys have been hinting the dumper feels - details pls!!

 

shes2smart - it's the crap i'm asking about - what kind of crap does a dumper have to sort thru?

 

The same end of relationship crap. The hole in your life where that person was. The memories of good times, the pain that things didn't work for whatever reason. Feelings of failure. All of this is very painful.

[kellbell]

To the original poster....

 

Pain and suffering the dumper feels...well whether he or she is making the right decision, whether the dumper is making a mountain out of a molehill, whether the dumper did everything he or she could to save the relationship...and it's not easy to realize one day you feel out of love with someone you have been with for so long, do you honestly think people get joy or kicks from breaking up with someone??? It's not easy for anyone involved...love hurts sometimes and that's the chance we take when we put ourselves out there.

 

And besides, what could be construed a "proper closure?" I mean you can have all the answers in the world, it's never going to be good enough. When we fall in love, we never question it, we never ask why, it's when someone falls out of love, we always question it.

[shes2smart]

thanks for the replies so far. but i am wondering if i've made myself clear. i want to know about the SUFFERING/PAIN you guys have been hinting the dumper feels - details pls!!

 

shes2smart - it's the crap i'm asking about - what kind of crap does a dumper have to sort thru?

 

what challenges does the dumper have to face? what kind of pain?

 

Never have I been through a break-up going "YIPPEE!!! It's over!! Let's celebrate!" It has always been with a period of mourning for the death of not only the relationship but whatever hopes I had for the relationship (just like the dumpee). No one starts a relationship planning for it to fail...we all start off with great hopes and the idea that we may be with this person for the long haul. Both dumper and dumpee lose those hopes with the end of the relationship, and both will mourn the loss. But just like mourning the death of a person, everyone mourns in their own way.

 

Dumper or dumpee, you get used to having that other person around and all of a sudden they aren't there anymore. There's no automatic person to talk to about your day when you get home, no built-in person to do stuff with...and on some level, when you're the dumper, you realize that it was YOUR CHOICE to put yourself into that lonely place for the short term. Even though you know it would ultimately be for the best, you still have to get through the adjustment.

 

Even if there was a lot of fighting & drama at the end, there were still things I liked about my exes...if there weren't I never would've gotten involved with them in the first place. So, it's a place of missing portions of them (or who they used to be, or who you thought they were) combined with the knowledge that you're like oil & water and no matter how hard you try, you're not going to stay together. I caught one of my exes cheating on me, and that was a deal breaker. So, in the aftermath of the break-up, I was left to deal with not only the end of the relationship, but the cheating as well -- how long had it gone on? how many others? what else did he lie about? how could I have been so blind/stupid/trusting/etc? Those issues were plenty to torture myself with for many a night, thanks.

 

Some people will choose to get through the adjustment by hooking up with the first available person (rebound) they happen upon...and if you're the one standing on the outside, that may look like your ex is moving on and happy. Really, all they're doing is postponing having to deal with the loss of your relationship. Some choose to walk through that lonely time & process their grief in more constructive ways -- therapy, taking up new or old hobbies, taking classes, embarking on some sort of self-improvement. Again, if you're the one who was dumped, you can interpret all of that as being "easy" for the dumper.

 

Therapy...if you're doing it right...is rarely ever easy. It's about looking at things you don't particularly *want* to look at, but you need to look at in order to make your life a better place to be. Classes and hobbies are great distractions to stop one wallowing in self-pity. OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE, I'LL NEVER FIND ANYONE ELSE, NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME, HE WASN'T THAT BAD, ARRRRRGGGHHHH!--all thoughts I had screaming through my head after being the dumper. Going horseback riding made those thoughts stop for a period of time...so I went horseback riding instead of sitting at home being miserable.

 

Fact of the matter is, change is hard for most people. Doesn't matter if you willingly chose the changes or if the changes were thrust upon you. There will still be an ajustment period to being single again no matter if you were the one who left or if you were the one who was left.

[gesssho0o]

The specific pain and crap that they go through is : guilt for breaking your heart, the oh-crap-i-may-have-totally-f'ed-up panic, sadness/loneliness over memories of your wonderful relationship, confusion over whether s/he made the right choice...

 

My recent ex (he was the dumper) emailed me and let me know that it indeed has not easy for him and that he is still very confused and really sad. Truth be told, I have since made my peace with things and have moved on. Let him be sad, I'm having the greatest time of my life!!!

[minnib]

OMG shes2smart you hit the nail on the head, so wise! Your posts really spoke to me, thanks.

[patience]

lgirl,

 

...it depends on why he broke up with you and how emotionally invested he was in the relationship, how committed he was to working on it, whether or not he was seeing someone else, etc, etc, etc.

[moondog627]

And besides, what could be construed a "proper closure?" I mean you can have all the answers in the world, it's never going to be good enough.

 

That isn't necessarily true. The bottom line in any breakup is that one person no longer wishes to continue the relationship. In the end, and after some time, the dumpee accepts this and moves on. But before that there is often much confusion. Many dumpers simply aren't straight with their former partners during a breakup. Personally, I got every single excuse in the book. And let me tell you, THAT is confusing as all hell. Little, but important, issues like why she never communicated her feelings with me beforehand would have shed some light. Some people might be better off NOT knowing exactly why their partner fell out of love with them. But, personally, I'd rather hear something like "I'm not attracted to you anymore" than left wondering for MONTHS on end what happened. The truth hurts, but at least it's the truth.

 

When we fall in love, we never question it, we never ask why, it's when someone falls out of love, we always question it.

 

Not always the case either. There's loads of people out there who get scared once they start having feelings for someone due to being burned before. And many times there's a lot of introspection when feelings are starting to bud.

[Juha]

My ex never said anything before she left...Just got out of my car at her

house when I was dropping her off one day and said "It's over..." and ran into the house...SHe would not speak to me for two weeks, I tried calling to talk to her but she would just be angry and yell at me...

 

SHe said she would talk to me when she was ready, I guess she will never talk to me...SHe kept trying to keep me in her life but I pulled back after I found out she was seeing someone else 3 weeks after she left me...

 

Posts that she is happy and knows what love is now after she thought that she knew what love was...When ever anyone fmaily/friends ask why she broke up with me she can never give an answer jsut looks down...

 

Been 6 months and she texts me every so often and I do not answer her at all...

 

SHe just left never said anything and put a wall up between us...How muchmore immature can she be???

[novaseeker]

That isn't necessarily true. The bottom line in any breakup is that one person no longer wishes to continue the relationship. In the end, and after some time, the dumpee accepts this and moves on. But before that there is often much confusion. Many dumpers simply aren't straight with their former partners during a breakup.

 

I agree and disagree.

 

I agree that it's important to have a solid point at which you say "it's over", and have that be more or less final. Leaving things open ... sucks. It's not fair to the dumpee, it gives hope where none should be and so forth.

 

I disagree that it's one person who wants to move on, though. I think that the dumper often sees the problems in the relationship before the dumpee does, or feels a loss of feelings which the dumpee does not, but in either case they know the relationship is in trouble. Now, you're right that the dumper should communicate that (or some of it) when the break up happens, but if one person thinks there are unsolvable relationship problems or experiences a loss of feelings, there really isn't much of a "relationship" left.

[kellbell]

I didn't say that it was good to leave someone hanging high and dry or don't give any closure at all, I was questioning what can be construed "proper closure." Being around these boards for quite some time, I have noticed that any kind of closure or questions that are answered, it's never sufficeint enough...a lot of people around here are pre-occuipied with how to win their ex back, what went wrong, how could he/she move on too fast, what could I have done different... That's all I am saying, and sometimes from what I have observed personally, sometimes when more reasons are given of why the break-up happened can be even more painful. I guess it depends on a lot of factors.

[novaseeker]

I didn't say that it was good to leave someone hanging high and dry or don't give any closure at all, I was questioning what can be construed "proper closure." Being around these boards for quite some time, I have noticed that any kind of closure or questions that are answered, it's never sufficeint enough...a lot of people around here are pre-occuipied with how to win their ex back, what went wrong, how could he/she move on too fast, what could I have done different... That's all I am saying, and sometimes from what I have observed personally, sometimes when more reasons are given of why the break-up happened can be even more painful. I guess it depends on a lot of factors.

 

Oh I agree.

 

I think a good rule is to set a deadline for entertaining these kinds of thoughts. A reasonable deadline, but a deadline nonetheless. There will always be a period after a relationship ends when both parties are thinking about the relationship, playing around in their minds what went wrong, what could have been different, when things began to get off track and the like. A sort of post-mortem in a way. But I think you need to set a deadline for that, otherwise it starts to get obsessive and get in the way of moving on, which is really where you need to be after a while.

[shes2smart]

Once upon a time, I dated an Alcoholic.

 

In his defense he was very pretty. He was also very intelligent and could be very funny when he was sober.

 

Unfortunately, "sober" was a state he didn't like to be in for long periods of time. But I loved the pretty drunk boy, so I stood by him.

 

He couldn't hold down a job for more than 6 months and the only jobs he could ever get were minimum-wage menial jobs. I supported both of us on less than $20k a year. If he was unable to find a job for more than a month, I couldn't afford to keep a roof over our heads, keep us fed, AND keep him supplied with his substance.

 

This angered the pretty drunk boy. In this sober, angry state he decided one day that it was all my fault and aimed a hiking boot in the general direction of my head.

 

I kicked him out.

 

That lasted for about 2 weeks.

 

I broke my arm in a horseback riding accident. I had to drive myself to the ER because the pretty drunk boy didn't want to come get me and take me there. I had to have surgery on that arm to fix it. The pretty drunk boy thought it was too much trouble to wait for me during surgery and come take care of me afterwards. I somehow managed to convince the docs to make an exception to the hospital's policy and do the surgery even though there was no "next of kin" to wait around.

 

I thought this was normal. This was just one of many similar episodes I lived through with the pretty drunk boy. No matter what kind of crisis I might have, he'd have to have a bigger crisis.

 

I spent the next (no kiddin') 3 years going back and forth with the pretty drunk boy.

 

At some point, I realized I kept up the on & off BS with him because I kept looking for "closure." I wanted a good (or at least a quiet) ending. Everytime I tried to get that from him, I either wound up in a screaming match with him or ended up with him having his butt planted on my couch & watching my TV again.

 

One day, I was scrawling in my journal about all of this, and I realized that I had spent fully 2/3 of the time I had known him trying to remove him from my life. I also realized that I did not want to be there, 12 months later, writing that I had spent 3/4 of the time I had known him trying to get him out of my life.

 

What did we learn from this:

 

1. Doesn't matter what the circumstances are, the ever popular "closure" is not something someone else can give you. You can only give it to yourself. Expect someone else to give it to you and you'll be doing a back-and-forth dance while time slips away.

 

2. No matter how many chances you give them, some people are incapable of being part of a respectful, decent and/or classy ending to a relationship. If you keep waiting for a non-messy ending with those individuals, you will stay involved with them for far longer than is healthy for you.

[moondog627]

That's all I am saying, and sometimes from what I have observed personally, sometimes when more reasons are given of why the break-up happened can be even more painful. I guess it depends on a lot of factors.

 

And this is exactly what happened to me. Instead of being straight up with me I got every excuse in the book, which wound up conflicting in the end. Granted she is young and confused and may not know herself what exactly happened. But a clear, nonconflicting, simple answer would be easier to swallow. Now, I don't dwell on this anymore. I've come to accept that no matter what it's over. So, yes, it's important NOT to get too wrapped up in the "why's" and "what happened's".

[moondog627]

I disagree that it's one person who wants to move on, though.

 

...but if one person thinks there are unsolvable relationship problems or experiences a loss of feelings, there really isn't much of a "relationship" left.

 

How is this not one person wanting to move on? Of course my original point of one person always wanting to move on is a generalization. Sometimes there's a mutual breakup. But almost always it comes down to what one person can or can't deal with. Most times what one person sees as unsolvable relationship problems the other sees differently. It's all relative to either person involved. Every couple out there has probably had some tough times in the relationship. Sometimes both people will see the hard times as workable. One might not.