one for the dumpers

[novaseeker]

How is this not one person wanting to move on? Of course my original point of one person always wanting to move on is a generalization. Sometimes there's a mutual breakup. But almost always it comes down to what one person can or can't deal with. Most times what one person sees as unsolvable relationship problems the other sees differently. It's all relative to either person involved. Every couple out there has probably had some tough times in the relationship. Sometimes both people will see the hard times as workable. One might not.

 

Yes.

 

My point is that when one person has concluded that the problems are sufficiently bad that they no longer wish to be in a relationship, the relationship is finished -- for both people. In that case, I think the person who realizes that should communicate that sooner rather than later to the other person, but in any case there will be hurt feelings regardless of the timing, if the other person is not on the same page. Problem is: when the two people are that far apart in terms of what page they are each on, there really isn't a relationship anymore, it's a shell of one. It takes two to tango, at all stages of the relationship, and I think that the breaker-upper sometimes does both people a service by breaking off a relationship sooner rather than later so that both can begin to heal and move on to relationships that work well for both of them.

[novaseeker]

2. No matter how many chances you give them, some people are incapable of being part of a respectful, decent and/or classy ending to a relationship. If you keep waiting for a non-messy ending with those individuals, you will stay involved with them for far longer than is healthy for you.

 

I agree with this, except to say that I have not been in too many relationship endings that I would describe as "good". In my own personal experience, there is way too much pain and emotions are running high ... it's hard to expect that things will go well in these situations. I may be cynical, but to me the best I hope is that the messy part, the choice words and so forth, are as brief as possible.

[shes2smart]

I agree with this, except to say that I have not been in too many relationship endings that I would describe as "good". In my own personal experience, there is way too much pain and emotions are running high ... it's hard to expect that things will go well in these situations. I may be cynical, but to me the best I hope is that the messy part, the choice words and so forth, are as brief as possible.

 

The circumstances for a "good" ending are rare, but can occur. In the one relationship I had where the ending was a mutual decision, it was a decent parting. Sad, yes...unbelievably so. Painful, absolutely...it was my first serious relationship ending. (Not the alcoholic....he came along later) We had started dating in college and were together a total of 7 years...we lived together for 5 of those years.

 

However the fact that we were both able to acknowledge that we'd gone as far as we could together and we were both aiming for very different things in life than when we first met allowed us to not place a lot of blame on the other party, so there was no need for things to get heated or nasty.

 

I moved out. We tried to be "friends," but it was too painful at first. So, we didn't have any contact with each other for about a year. After that, we were able to be friends and still are to this day. He's the only ex I keep in touch with. He met every guy I seriously dated from that point on. He & his wife & me & my husband all get together socially a few times a year. He & my husband have a lot in common, and when we all lived in the same city, the two of them would hang out together (without me!) rather frequently.

 

I seriously doubt "being friends" somewhere down the road is an option unless you can come to some sort of amicable parting when the romantic relationship is over.

[lgirl]

hi everyone, just want to THANK YOU ALL for your responses - i am still reading through them, but i just wanted to thank y'all for your time and for helping me reach a deeper understanding (well, i'm getting there...)