do guys like mean girls?

[teacup]

to me....it seems like it. it seems like they like the girls that are mean and keep them on their toes.

 

makes no sense to me. im a nice girl.....i seem to get taken for granted a lot and not appreciated.

[newts]

Sometimes the saying goes" treat em mean, Keep em keen" is so appropriate.

 

Not all people think this way, however, more so than not.

[bleeder]

Hi Teacup,

 

I understand what you are trying to get accross.

 

In fact, I believe that this kind of behaviour applies to both sexes, not just to men in particular. One great negative aspect of being human is to overlook the niceties done for us, and only to take into account the bad things which occur. I have experienced this personally, and have seen it happen time and again to many around me.

 

It doesn't mean that you should hang up your gloves and stop being YOU. No, but the next time someone takes you for granted, make your stand clear and just play the bad girl role for once. Being nice to someone doesn't give them the right to pretend that you are invisible.

 

As with what Newt has mentioned, not everyone thinks this way. To safeguard your own happiness, it is best to find someone who appreciates you for all that you are.

 

Cheers.

[Mun]

It's not about being mean, it's about setting boundaries and not letting others take advantage of you. You have to look out for yourself.

 

Read this book by , I bet you'll never be a doormat again.

[annie24]

I agree with Mun. The book, "Why men love (word that rhymes with witches)" by Sherry Agrov is a good one. Like she said, it's all about setting boundaries.

 

It's not about being mean or whatever, just making sure that your needs are met, and that your focus is on you, and not that your life gets turned upside down by a man.

[PocoDiablo]

Doormats like mean girls, much like a boy likes his controlling mother. It's comfortable.

 

Real men like nice girls. Plain and simple.

[annie24]

Doormats like mean girls, much like a boy likes his controlling mother. It's comfortable.

 

Real men like nice girls. Plain and simple.

 

Ah, just to clarify the jist of the book - it's not about being mean to a man that you're dating - it's about setting your own personal boundaries.

 

An example in a book, after the second date, Bob asked Julie if she would drive him to the airport at to catch a 6 AM flight. He told her she could wake up at 4, pick him up at 4:30, drop him off at the airport, she'd be home in enough time to take a shower and get to work by 8 AM. Julie said, "I'm sorry, I can't, I'm busy." He said, "Doing what? Sleeping?" She said, "Yes."

 

Clearly, Bob is a bumbling clod. He can take the shuttle or a taxi to the airport, instead of asking her to drive him at 4 AM. That simply isn't appropriate after two dates. The "nice girl" overeager to please would drive him and be so tired the rest of the day she falls asleep at work. The "mean girl" says, "no - I can't - but have a good flight!" The mean girl prioritizes herself first.

 

Another example, a girl has a weekly pottery class on thursday nights. A man asks her out for thursday night. The nice girl says yes, because she wants a date with him. Even though she really enjoys the pottery class, she doesn't want to miss a chance for a date. She rearranges her schedule to accomadate the man. The "mean girl" says, "how about friday? - I'm busy on thursdays. Pottery class." The "witch" doesn't drop her life for someone else. She sticks with the hobbies that are important to her.

 

It's about setting priorities, and taking care of yourself first. If you are overly nice and overly giving, the man will take you for granted. He will care for you the way he would his mother, a woman he knows will always be there. However, the "mean girl" the girl that looks out for herself and makes sure that her needs are being met before she starts doing all sorts of things for a man - this woman with high self esteem and a sense of self-worth is the one that will attract his romantic attentions.

[Mun]

A boy likes his controlling mother, yes, but he will eventually rebel.

 

Real men like nice girls--who stand up for themselves.

[RayKay]

It's not about being mean. As others have said, it is about setting boundaries/standards, and knowing whom YOU are. Not sacrificing your sense of whom you are to "please" someone else.

 

I am a "nice" girl, and yes, I have been taken for granted before when I was much younger, until I learned to be comfortable with whom I am, and to stop changing my entire life and personality around to be someone I thought a guy would want. I learned to set my boundaries, to keep my interests and passions, and to have a full life, whether I am single or with someone. And you know what, I have never regretted it. I can be my own person, and STILL have a wonderful, healthy, positive relationship with someone. I can have a mutually interdependent, not codependent, relationship that is benefical, satisfying, loving, growing, supportive and FUN. I am still nice, compassionate, loving, sweet, caring....but I am also independent, opinionated, active, taking care of myself as a person, pursuing my personal interests outside of "us" as well, and we continue to learn from one another.

 

Basically, someone usually falls for you when you are single, right? They fall for you when you have a social life, have personal interests, are into fitness, and learning, and having fun. They thing you are opinionated, smart and mentally strong. They decide hey, this girl ROCKS, and we fit together so well! So they ask you out, you start dating. Then you start changing. You cancel plans you had to hang out with them, in order to avoid conflict, you give up your own opinions to agree wtih theirs. Maybe you stop working out as you only did it to "attract" people instead of doing it for yourself (which is really why you should be doing it - your own health and confidence). Maybe you give up hanging with friends as this guy is new and exciting. You stop having those exciting discussions you originally had, as you no longer have anything to even talk about since you gave up your interests! You become clingy, because he is all you have left. You become miserable because he is not the same anymore towards you, and you start fearing losing him...so you become even more eager to please him and be the "nice girl".

 

Why then wouldn't they start losing interest, and maybe taking you for granted...you are no longer your own person or the person they fell for...you are now a doormat whom they know will always be there, and will always agree with them, and always give up their plans for them at last minute.....and so forth. You are no longer whom they fell in love with....you are no longer YOU.

 

They fell for you because you were YOU, and they are not going to feel the same when you are someone you THINK they might want.

[PocoDiablo]

Agreed.

 

Where the book says to set boundries, I prefer to use a similar word - standards.

 

Same idea though.

[Day_Walker]

I dont think its about a guy actively looking for that type but there are just some girls that happen to be like that.

[tommyJ]

i seem to get taken for granted a lot and not appreciated.

 

teacup, I hear you. I am going thru something right now where my boyfriend is spending alot of his time on the internet looking at porn and dating sites. I love him, but it's bothering me.

 

I also went out with this guy for 6 months and he dumped me but when he found out I was going out with other guys, he made a temporary comeback. They like it when they can't have you and seem to push their limits.

 

I think men in general like a women who is a bit aloof and will keep him guessing.

 

You should read "Why Men Love * * * * *es by Sherry Argov". It really put things in perspective for me when I was going through what you are.

 

TommyJ

[ShySoul]

Real men like nice girls. Plain and simple.

 

Real man like nice girls. But women don't like nice guys?

 

Isn't that a double standard?

 

Regardless, just be yourself. If a guy is going to go after someone who is mean or not nice and respectful, then they don't deserve a girl who is nice and respectful. You want a guy to appreciate you for you. Even if a guy doesn't go for a nice girl, there are plenty who do. And that guy is going to be better then the other guys put together.

[annie24]

teacup, I hear you. I am going thru something right now where my boyfriend is spending alot of his time on the internet looking at porn and dating sites. I love him, but it's bothering me.

 

TommyJ

 

YIKES!!!!! Your bf is on dating sites and you are still with him!?!?!? How long have you been dating him? Is he just casually looking for fun, or is he posting a profile?

[RayKay]

YIKES!!!!! Your bf is on dating sites and you are still with him!?!?!? How long have you been dating him? Is he just casually looking for fun, or is he posting a profile?

 

No kidding, I think that goes beyond a small "trust issue". Of course it bothers you! I actually have known maybe 3 or 4 couples that went through something similar - at first the guys would tell them it was just "curiosity" but it would turn out they were contacting these girls, making plans to meet them (sometimes meeting them). All of them had the girl initially believing it was "nothing" and when it turned out to be something....that was the end of it.

 

I know one couple where the guy would break up with her every few months so he could actually DATE some of these girls "ethically" (though he was chatting with them while together), then go back to her again. Finally she had enough, she decided he was not giving her what she needed, and ended up turning the tables and left him for someone else...and he was surprised! Not sure I agree with how she did it, but it was a taste of his own medicine.

 

Why is your boyfriend looking at dating sites? Doesn't that to you show that he is not exactly committed to what he has with you already?

[antigravity]

Well I like nice, down to earth, honest and straight to the point women.

 

If I feel a girl is playing games with me, it's a HUGE turnoff.

 

So I don't think all guys like mean girls.

[annie24]

Well I like nice, down to earth, honest and straight to the point women.

 

If I feel a girl is playing games with me, it's a HUGE turnoff.

 

So I don't think all guys like mean girls.

 

As see.... you say that, but you were just posting a few weeks ago about that girl you really liked that was giving you all those mixed signals (ie, cancelling dates at the last minute.) You may have been annoyed by that behavior, but you were certainly intrigued....

[ShySoul]

As see.... you say that, but you were just posting a few weeks ago about that girl you really liked that was giving you all those mixed signals (ie, cancelling dates at the last minute.) You may have been annoyed by that behavior, but you were certainly intrigued....

 

I believe it was more confused and frustrated. He was intrigued by her before all that stuff happened and really liked her. But it was that behavior which turned him off.

 

Not starting anything, just sticking up for my man antigravity. Hope you are doing ok anti.

[Mun]

Bottom line, ticked off or not, turned off or not, it got you thinking about her more...at least momentarily.

 

Being mean is not what it's about. Being busy and aloof at times, having a life of your own and not letting someone walk all over you, that's what it's about.

 

What woman drives a man crazy? The one he can't have....yet

[ShySoul]

Bottom line, ticked off or not, turned off or not, it got you thinking about her more...at least momentarily.

 

Being mean is not what it's about. Being busy and aloof at times, having a life of your own and not letting someone walk all over you, that's what it's about.

 

But if it gets the person thinking about you in a negative light, what good does that do? Sure, she was thought about for a moment - a moment that was filled with frustration, annoyance, and anger. Those moments lead to him breaking up with her. How beneficial was it?

 

Funny, before everyone was criticzing her and saying she should have made more time for him. Now they are saying it is good to be busy and aloof.

 

I can understand not letting people walk on you and living your own life. However, this shouldn't be done to get people to think of you. You have you own life, yes, because it is natural and we all have things to take care of. But its wrong and disrespectful to be busy or aloof just for the sake of being busy and aloof. Aloof means to be reserved or indifferent. Who wants to be with someone who is indifferent about things? Isn't everyone always saying they want someone confident and sure? Someone definitive? Aloof is at a distant, esp. in feelings. In a relationship shouldn't you be sharing your feelings and communicating?

[annie24]

Being busy and aloof is good. More specifically, like you said, it's good to have your interests and goals and not to drop them for whoever random pops in your life. But of course, being TOO busy and aloof is bad, because then the other person loses interest. Cancelling one date in two weeks is ok. Cancelling 4 dates in two weeks is just bad manners and rude.

 

Of course honest communication is important in a relationship. But, in the beginning stages, with someone you don't know all that well, spilling your guts isn't good. ie, on a first date, talking about my favorite movies and vacations is good. However, talking about an alcoholic step-father, or an abusive uncle - those are better to talk about later in the relationship.

 

I read an interesting theory proposed. It was on a similar topic - why do men like crazy mean girls? Who likes crazy mean people??? Everyone has seen a man go absolutely bonkers over a girl that was nice one second, and a lunatic the next. Of course, after a few months of that, most normal men snap to their senses. Afterall, who wants to be with a bunny-boiler??? (See Fatal Attraction.)

 

The author's theory was that we as humans pick up thousands of signals everyday. From seeing the street light change from green to red, to making a transaction at a store... we process thousands of signals everyday.

 

If someone acts in an extremely predictable way, we don't pay much attention to it. However, when we come accross people who are unpredictable, our interest is piqued, because we are trying to figure them out. After all, we went on for pages and pages on antigravity's girl, trying to figure out what her motivation was ALL our intererst was piqued in this girl!!!

 

The "mean girls" do this too - nice one second, a lunatic the next. The thing is, women shouldn't aspire to be a mean girl, but try to learn from some of their behaviors that attract interest.

 

For example, the mean girl prioritizes herself first. As a female, say that I meet a man that I am absolutely GA-GA over!!! I would want nothing more than to spend every second with him and to say yes to every date he asks me out on. The overly nice girl would cancel lunch with her friends and would cancel her hair appointment to be with this man, even if he calls her at the last second. The mean girl would say, "Nope - I've got other stuff to do." The woman with a full and active life, although she would love to see this man, shouldn't drop her other friends and activities. She would say, 'I'm terribly sorry - I already have plans. Another night?"

 

I think that the "unpredictability of a mean girl" theory has a lot of good points. It's that rush - the unexpected - that drives attraction in the beginning of a relationship.

[ShySoul]

Odd thing is, even people who act unpredictable are predictable. If you actually know a person, then there actions may seem to come from nowhere but can be predicted with amazing accuracy. I'd even say that "unpredictable" people are the most predictable, especially if they are doing it intentionally.

 

I think that honesty is the important thing, total honest no matter how long things have been going on. Yes, you might not want to volunteer certain information. However, if it comes up, talk about it. If I was out with someone and they asked if I wanted a drink, I'd have to say that I don't drink alcohol. That would lead them to ask why not. I'd have to honestly say because I have dealt with alcoholics including my father and thus choose not to drink. If she displayed an interest in it and wanted to know more, I'm going to talk about it.

 

Situation I had at the start of the year with a girl, we ended up going into long chats about family situations and past relationships practically immediately. And instead of scaring anyone off, we grew to like each other more. We shared similar experiences and simialr values and ideas stemming from them. Complete openness brought us closer together.

 

Basically, I figure that I have nothing to hide. If a girl I am seeing wants to know something about me, I don't have a problem talking about anything and everything. And I want her to know right from the start that she can talk about anything and everything with me as well. So where ever the conversation takes us, it's good. I'd actually rather take about the more personally stuff then feeling regulated to "safe" topics.

 

With antigravity's girl, the interest wasn't piqued on trying to figure her out. Everyone essentially said dump her and move on. It only went on for pages because I felt people were being too harsh on her and thought that they should consider things from her perspective. Had it not been for me feeling sorry for her, the thread would most likely have died on the second page with the consensus being, she's wrong and disrespectful, forget her.

 

I think people have misinterpreted what a mean girl is. A mean girl is a girl who is mean. Period. They do it on purpose. And that is wrong.

 

When you talk about a crazy girl, that does not necessarily equate to a mean girl. It is more likely to equate to someone who has endured a lot and is thus confused and unsure. thereforeeee at times her actions are not always the nicest or most productive. That is a symptom of her fears and frustrations. What a guy sees in that is not interest coming from the turning away or mixed up actions. They see the good girl beneath that who is normally there. And they want to help the confused girl who is stuck in a pattern repeating the crazy actions.

 

The mean girl puts herself first above all others. She isn't priortizing, she is just being selfish. A nice, good girl does the right thing. Same with a nice guy. They spend every second they possible can with each other. And there are times when other things will get pushed aside because seeing each other is the most important thing to them.

[Mun]

They spend every second they possible can with each other. And there are times when other things will get pushed aside because seeing each other is the most important thing to them.

__________________

In theory this is really nice, but in reality it starts to get old pretty fast. Nobody wants their SO constantly hanging at their coat tails...I know I don't...I have things to do-- like laundry.

 

I remember when I was younger I'd think the same things to myself that the OP said...I had a friend who always had guys chasing her around. I thought she was mean, but she really wasn't. She was sweet to these guys, she was a great flirt and she let them know she was interested in subtle ways. The nice girls? they were the ones calling the guys 10 times a day, being totally available and getting ignored. Now I hear my younger brother telling me some girl just won't stop calling...I see the difference. The girls he does like ? the ones that are relaxed and confident.

[antigravity]

As see.... you say that, but you were just posting a few weeks ago about that girl you really liked that was giving you all those mixed signals (ie, cancelling dates at the last minute.) You may have been annoyed by that behavior, but you were certainly intrigued....

 

Lol.. definitely wasn't intrigued, I was irritated and confused by how she was acting.

 

Confused in a BAD way.

 

I liked her for how she acted before she went all weird. Then I only held on for that week because of how she was when we met.

 

I don't speak to her anymore, and I'm damn well happy with that decision!!

 

I've since met someone else, who is a lot friendlier and straight forward.

[ShySoul]

Mun,

 

Never said you hang at each others coat tails. You do your separate things because you have to. But when you are apart it drives you crazy and you can't wait to be back together. You spend every possible second you can together. And honestly, some times you forget everything else and just have a night for the two of you. Never blown off your friends before to be with a SO other? When its love its just something you do, cause you know a night with him or her is what you need to feel good.

 

And its not just youngesters. My father and his wife are 60, and I swear they call each other 50 times a day.

 

Also wish people would not insinuate that nice equals desparate or clingy. Nice is nice. Period. A nice girl does not call someone up repeatedly. Neither does a nice guy. A nice guy or girl is simple someone who is nice, respectful, caring, considerate, compassionate, etc.