Help me, please anyone :(

[whatever2005]

I have the most beautiful boyfriend but we're 2000km apart and there isn't a hope of meeting up at all for at least 9 months. We keep contact daily through msn and phone, but this is truly killing us. I know he will keep strong for us, but the problem is, I just feel I can't. I am sinking so fast into a deep depression. I cannot function any longer. Nothing helps. I just don't know what to do. I have constant thoughts of suicide and panic and a total fear of going completely nuts on my own. I don't live alone, but there is noone I know here really. Noone helps, supports or understands me. Only he does. And I just think 9 months is such a long time and I'll be dead or mad by the end of it. Does anyone have any coping tips? I am taking anti-depressants and am going to talk to some professionals about this, but really, I was wondering if there were some practical tips? I don't wanna go mad, I don't wanna die, but I don't want to suffer this pain any longer. It's just not fair. Why me? It's going to be at least 9 months and at worst 3 years. Help!!! I can't cope...

[LostInMyThoughts]

Reading your post, it seems like you might be placing too much of your happiness on having your boyfriend around, based on your comments about suicide and panic. Its natural to miss your sig. other, but if his absense is really crippling you, something else is up. I'm glad to hear that you're seeking professional help.

 

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Do you have many outside activities, like sports, art, music, etc?

 

Doing things that you are passionate about, helps to take your mind of a missing love.

 

Is there a particular reason you can't fly out to see him? Is he in the military?

 

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One thing to consider is that if the pain is too much to bare, you can end the relationship. I know its so much easier for me to say it than it is to do it, but I'm serious. 9mons -> 3 years is a long time for you to be putting your needs on hold. Sometimes doing the hardest thing now, will end up being the best thing you ever did for yourself.

[Relationship Coach]

WE2005,

I understand what you are up against, see if this helps! Good Luck!

 

Strategies for Coping

 

Pro-active things to be doing as on-going maintenance for yourself

 

Get involved in organizations or causes that you personally believe in. Put meaningful things in your life other than your significant other.

Help those who have challenging life circumstances.

For example, volunteer at a nursing home or orphanage.

Make sure there are supportive people and places in your life.

Every once in a while, do something that is atypical of yourself, although not self-defeating. For example, go to a movie on a weeknight or get your hair cut.

Tend to your spiritual needs.

Specific strategies to try when the depression of missing hits you:

 

Let out the emotions: cry, scream, sing, exercise, go for a run, play a sport, take a walk

Write a letter to the person, whether you send it or not, letting her/him know how you are feeling

Write poetry or a journal entry or both

Go watch a sporting event

Come into the Counseling Center to talk about it

Go see a movie: comedy to make you laugh, adventure to take you away, tearjerker to help you cry

Go to the TV lounge or study lounge to have other people around you; don't stay alone in your room

Call, visit, or study with a friend

Take homework to a restaurant and do it over coffee or a meal

As if relationships weren't complicated enough, having them accross a long distance is extremely challenging. However, throughout time couples have had to be miles apart, and have been able to maintain a solid, happy, successful relationship until they could be together again.

[whatever2005]

To be honest, yes it is crippling me. I truly love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but being so incredibly lonely with noone to hug or talk to who is understanding is completely killing me. I just don't think I can manage much longer, though I will definitely try. I'm determined to be with him. He is my soulmate and if I left him, I would fall apart completely. I am going to see someone about psychiatric help and hopefully someone to talk to as well. I need to get this out, these feelings are overwhelming me totally. He really is the only person on earth to make me happy and I have placed all my hopes and dreams on him. I know missing someone is part of a long distance relationship, but I didn't have any idea it would be this bad. I hate this prolonged heartache and anxiety. Leaving is an option, but I could see it breaking me to pieces.

 

I used to have a lot of interest in going out and seeing other people. Now I do nothing but wait for him to come online. My thoughts are bent on him only. I just don't see the point of anything else. I merely "exist" at the moment, with no hobbies or pleasure or activities. I am trying my best to change this, of course. I doubt it's good for me to be in this state. I do enjoy music, but it also makes me sad, cos I wish he would be here. Everything I do, I wish he was here or imagine him here and it rips me up because he isn't so I can't enjoy it. I can't share laughs or anything. I know when I am with him, all this disappears like smoke instantly. Yes, 9months -> 3 years till we can live together permanently. Too long, so damn long. Oh well.

 

I will try to do everything I can to enjoy things, but as I said, it's so hard when I am so depressed. It doesn't help that I have always suffered from depression. Just makes it worse. And yes, all this suicide and panic and anxiety are too much for me to deal with. I might go mad. Hope not.

 

We both don't have the money and I have an extreme fear of flying alone to him. It's all not good really. We're working to save so he can come and collect me and hopefully soon. He may actually have to go to the military after next year, which is why I say 9 months or 3 years. We shall have to see, but I am going completely crazy without him.

[whatever2005]

Thanks, I will try those, hopefully once my mood picks up a little bit and someone professional can help me.

[Relationship Coach]

WE2005,

If money is an issue for help, seek out advice and support from your church if possible. I know how difficult this is for you but if you wait until your mood picks up, it may just get worse. Taking that initial step can start your journey to finding the strength to deal with this.

[SeaBisquit]

long distance relationships are heart-breaking and definitely require alot of effort from both people. staying busy really does help alot. look forward and be possible. don't sit around counting the days going by before you see him again. long-distance relationships also involve a enormous amount of trust you need to stay in touch often so that you don't lose sight of each other.

[whatever2005]

Thanks a lot for the messages of support. Honestly? I can't live with or without him. I can't live at all. I do hope things get better, I don't even want to consider what will happen if they don't.

[whatever2005]

That much is true too. I need to occupy my time in stead of focusing on all this negative stuff. Thanks a lot.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

May be you could read books on surviving on a long distance relationships.

They provides ideas on how to keep the relationship alive. What to do when you miss each other a lot, and it is driving you crazy. The ideas suggested by Relationhip Couch does work.

 

Besides that, you could also constantly revisiting this forum to learn about others situation and learn from them, as I am doing it now. You could even give advice, when you have similar situation. In this forum we know that we are not alone.

 

Moreover, you could also take down some useful advice and compile it for personal use. By this, when there is situation arise, you know how to deal with it.

 

Relationships need patience and efforts. You are posting here to seek help, you are making an effort, which is good for the relationship.

[whatever2005]

Thank you Guest12345678. I will certainly try those too. I know I need help and I am seeking it. I can only hope all goes well for me and I don't go insane

[dawn23]

I hope you're doing okay, whatever2005 -- I know it's hard to imagine, but you will get through this. I apologize if you already said, but how long have you been in the LDR? I ask because I can totally relate. I met my guy online in February 2004, met in person in April, we were together in May, July, and a whole month in October... then he went back to Japan. I had to go almost 6 months without him -- the only thing that kept us going were the 6-7 phone calls a day we were having and the intense passion we felt to be back together again. Then, he went back to Japan again in May.

 

A couple of weeks later, he broke it to me that he can't talk to me when he's at work any more, so we have to talk once a day! Even though he kept saying he loves me, I took it as the end. I thought he was just trying to break up -- I didn't get it why he was backing off. To make a long story short, I was driving around about 1 a.m. one morning, wasted tired because I'd been crying and driving around for hours, and I fell asleep at the wheel and rolled my car down a 100-foot cliff. I climbed out and got help, but all the firemen and EMTs told me this: it was bad; I was lucky be alive. I had been totally depressed and emotionally exhausted, making things up in my head (because he does not want to break up and he totally loves me). I'd even been telling my friends I felt like driving off the road for weeks! (Be careful what you say.)

 

I guess I'm telling you my story because I hope it helps you to see that, yes, the pain sometimes feels unbearable (even when things are going great between you), but you can be strong and remember -- he wants you to be strong and be there when he comes back. And he will come back.

 

I used to get bad panic attacks -- I couldn't breathe, I paced the floors. I had my first panic attack on the plane returning home after our second time together. I wanted to jump out of the plane. I wanted to fly through the air right back to him. But when I look in his eyes and I touch his hand, when I even just hear him breathe over the telephone, I know anything I feel is worth it -- even the pain. It's natural to miss the man you love, and I understand how it hurts -- I cry all the time. But sometimes I just say to myself: okay, that's enough feeling sorry for yourself. And I remember the good things, all the sweet things he says, how he called me unexpectedly and woke me up in the middle of the night just to sing to me the other night, and I let those things carry me through the tough times when I think I can't make it and I remember we will be together again as soon as we can be.

 

So, please hang on, okay? I think talking to professionals is a good idea, too. (I talked to the Relationship Coaches at Mars-Venus and they help me to understand a lot.) I hope you'll keep us posted on how you're doing.

[whatever2005]

Dear Dawn23,

 

Thank you so much for your message. Unfortunately things have gotten even worse. We totally love each other, that isn't the problem, the fact is, we can't talk at all now, through any means. It feels almost like a break-up, but it is not, we both love each other. We're both really gutted, but it's 8 months without contact as far as I know, then we can talk again maybe. For actually physically being together in real life, might be another 2 years after that. Who knows? The reality of all this is unbearable. The pain is unbearable. I'm in tears all the time, or feeling ok, then in tears again. I don't feel suicidal, only scared and physically sick at other times. I am getting help to try to move on. Times I feel like I am going to go completely mad cos I can't cope. I know we both love each other deeply and we'll be together one day in the future in real life and obviously as soon as possible, but well, I have to try to pick myself up from this. It's really nasty not being able to speak at all to the one you love through no fault of our own, just circumstances in life. It's really hard to explain, but communication isn't possible. I don't know how long this is going to last for either and THE only thing I do intrinsically trust in is the knowledge of our feelings for each other and our great desire to be together. Hard to decide where to go from here really. Only thing I believe is in trying to pick myself up and with the help of professionals, try to cope with this, try to remember our love for each other in my heart and the knowledge we will be together one day. Does anyone else feel like they might die before getting reunited? I am just so scared I might, or he might and we'd never meet again There are no reasons for this, I guess it just must be paranoia or depression and constant anxiety. It's horrible not knowing anything about how he is, but it is the same for him about me. He doesn't know how I am. I am sure he is going completely nuts too and really depressed as well. Such a depressing situation.

 

Does anyone have any ideas on what I should do? I'm going to hold on. That's my only desire. Hold on and it should all be ok.

 

Well, guess I'll go now. Thanks for listening.

 

Take care xx

[Confessoress]

It sounds to me like your holding on so tightly, just waiting for him and not doing anything else because your afraid you'll lose him. But the truth is, as hard as it may seem if he loses interest, then he wasn't the one for you.

[whatever2005]

Hey

 

Truth is, in any normal case, this would be true. He hasn't lost interest in me and he won't and nor will I in him. It's really just a case of we can't speak. It's neither of our faults. Just circumstances.