Well I have an update.....

[healinginnyc81]

I totally agree with keefy. If she calls you keep it light. NOTHING concerning a relationship or working things out or who you've dated etc etc.

 

You have to treat it as starting a fresh relationship. I know it's really hard when you already know each other so well, but you have to if you want to get back with her. Talk about the things you would with a new date. Talk about things you've done that were fun or funny. Listen to what she's saying and try to say something to relate. DON'T talk about feelings.

 

If you start the relationship over like that, it will be much easier for her to fall back in love with you because she'll start seeing what she saw when you first starting dating.

She obviously is still thinking about you, but she's afraid of the things that went wrong in the relationship. If you show her that you've forgotten the issues and aren't still hurt about the breakup then she will feel more comfortable starting over with you. Just to be clear this advice isn't from personal experience it's just from seeing what my friends have been through and from seeing and understanding how people think after a breakup.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[OCD]

Thanks guys, I understand what you're both saying, but it's really confusing on what I should have been doing or saying to her...I had to bring up the relationship to a point because I needed to tell her that I couldn't take her calls unless it was to talk about 'us' and also that I couldn't be good friends because it was only hurting me...I don't know how else I could have mentioned that stuff to her without bringing it up??? Also, regarding starting to talk again...that wasn't all my idea, it was sort of both of our ideas towards the end of that 2 hr call about three weeks ago...I did sort of bring it up but she also did and agreed to it. I didn't want to put any pressure on her, but felt that I needed to let her know where I was coming from because her calls only seemed to hurt me...and I do need to look out for myself. So I basically asked her about a month ago not to call me because I needed to heal and that her calls were hurting me, yet she kept calling....so what was I to think??? I asked her not to call unless it was to talk about 'us' and I got about 7 phone calls after I mentioned that to her, of course I'm thinking she wants to talk about 'us', right? What am I missing here?

 

So I have to stay NC right? I'm not going to call her, and I hope that she doesn't feel pressured because there really wasn't any pressure the last time we spoke. It was a very good conversation, the best we've had in a while....then all of this stuff with her mother's surgery for her pancreas and then my ex's sugery started coming up along with Christmas, etc.....Alot fell on her plate in short period of time...I think I've done the right thing as far as giving her space and letting her know where I'm coming from....but I still haven't heard from her.

 

I'll try to stay positive and hope that there might be another chance with her, but I'm moving forward slowly every day and feeling a little better every day. Do you think I'll ever get a call from her? If so I'll keep it light as usuall and let her do some talking, pretty much like the last call...I just don't want to fall into that "good friend" trap...that's not what I want and it will only hurt me...thanks for any advice guys....take care.

 

OCD

[healinginnyc81]

You know what I'm going to say and you said it yourself: NC.

If she calls, I wouldn't answer for at least a month. If she wants to get back with you she'll figure out a way to let you know either with a message or email or something. That's just a personal opinion based on your situation.

Right now I think she's not sure that she wants to get back with you but she calls just because she likes to talk to you, but it's not helping you and it's allowing her not to come to any decision. That's not fair to you.

 

Enjoy your new years as much as possible.

[OCD]

Thanks bkjson,

I actually just got another call from her, but I didn't answer. Crazy! I just sat down after dinner with some family and my phone rang. I knew exactly who it was....it was my ex. I don't think she left a message, but i didn't answer for two reason: a. I wasn't sure what to say to her and more importantly I didn't want to say the wrong thing and b. I wanted to show her that I wasn't just waiting for her to call after her not returning my call about two weeks ago when her mother just got out of surgery.

Question, if she calls again tonight should I pick up and just flat out tell her that I love her and can't keep answering her random phone calls? Do I just keep up these light hearted calls with her even though they're hurting me? You're right on bkjson when saying that these calls she makes only help her out and aren't helping in my healing process. If she wants to work it out shouldn't she say something? Especially after going through this for over 4 months. She's opened up to me and I've told her many times that I don't want to take her calls unless it's to talk about us, yet here she calls again.....I can't believe she finally called back even after Christmas and her surgery....I've been waiting for her to call and my prayers were answered, but now I don't know what to do? I think bkjson was right in not answering for a little while, but my sister who is very close to me said just tell her flat out that you love her and end this thing. Basically putting her on the spot, I figured that might be a bad idea, but I need to put a stop to her calling when ever she feels like it. I don't know any more, but I've told my ex how I feel, yet she keeps calling...is that confusing or what.....help! Thanks.

 

OCD

[Lady Bugg]

OCD..

 

You need to stop counting these phone calls. "She called me 12 times last week" etc. The amount of calls isn't what matters..it's the CONTEXT of those calls. If she called you once and said "ocd I want you back" THAT's what matters...not "well she called me 12 times to talk to me about the weather, or this or that". She's bouncing around....and if she can't even leave you a message for you to call her back...after you giving her the space she requested..I am sorry but I would cut her loose. You've done your time.

She's using you as a "comfort zone" or safety net.

[OCD]

Thanks Lady Bugg, I sort of agree with you that I should let this person go, but I still love her...it's rare in this world you find that person you care so much about...I actually got another call from her at 11pm...again I didn't answer it...I'm really not sure why, was it that I was nervous, did I want to show her that I'm not jumping at her calls, I'm not sure but I didn't answer and again she didn't leave a message....I don't understand this person....if she wanted to talk so bad why doesn't she leave me messages? I'm not going to call her back because I'm not sure if that's the right idea. Do I just pick up her calls once she leaves me a message? I'm didn't answer because I can't believe she waited this long to contact me after our talk...I held strong tonight. I wanted to hear from her sooo bad and when she called I didn't answer....What's wrong with me? Perhpas I'm sick of being hurt. I just wish she'd get it together. What do I do now? Any ideas out there for people who have followed my story? That's two calls tonight with no message....what is she doing? Thanks.

 

OCD

[Lady Bugg]

OCD...

 

STOP playing this game. Answer the phone and tell her straight up...otherwise she is going to keep jerking you arund indefinetly. Youa re an adult..SHE is an adult. Act like one.These childish phone games are ridiculous.

Don't be a jerk..just say you hope she is doing well....then tell her you are done with the back and forth crap. If she doesn't come back then OH well.....at least you'll ahve told her you aren't playing her game. Chances are she'll respect you MORE for putting yur fot down. Ignoring her phone calls is NOT putting your foot down. It's merely delaying the inevitable.

[OCD]

Wow Lady Bugg, I'm not playing any game here. I'm just protecting my feelings and sticking with my game plan...if you followed my story from the beggining, with the help of SuperDave71 and the rest of the great folks here, I've stayed my course in hopes of having another shot with my ex...I'm not playing phone games, it's just NC. I've been getting mixed advice on whether to answer her calls or play it aloof...which is what I'm doing...If I just pick up the phone every time she calls she's going to think that she has me right where she wants me...I'm sort of playing hard to get in a way...since she didn't return my call for about 3 weeks I figured that I shouldn't answer her first call right away, just to get her thinking and put that ball back in her court...so I didn't answer tonight. Trust me I think it's time for her to either say she wants to work it out or not...I do think it's time for an ultimatum, even though that goes against everything here. But in my case I do need to tell her look this has gone on for too long either you want me or you don't....

Then there is the other school of thought that says I should just keep playing it cool with her, being aloof, misterious, not always picking up her calls, etc...answer once in a while and keep it short....I've been doing a little of both, I told her how I felt and that I couldn't take her calls unless it was to talk about 'us' and I still get calls from her...Given my situation some people say to not answer her and/or give it more time and be patient...

I'm not sure what to do, but I felt like it wasn't a good idea for me to answer tonight, and it goes to show you that she didn't leave a message so it wasn't that important, yet again proving that she's still confused and only calling when she feels like it and not caring how I feel or what I'm going through...

I'll try to pick up that next call if she calls me tomorrow, it is New Years and we had a blast last year...I do miss her, but I'm sick of getting the short end of this stick....she needs to be an adult as well, right? Thanks for your advice...hopefully I'll get another call so I can lay it on the line with her....if that's the right move??

 

OCD

[lonelyfish]

OCD, I agree with Lady Bug, you should really answer your ex's next phone call. I think at first when you did N/C not answering her calls were OK to do as you were trying to not appear as if you were chasing after your ex, but now to keep doing so will only make things more confusing as you seem to have established some sort of communication again even though your ex may seem aloof to you with all that she has going on. I would just keep it cool with your ex. I think laying it all on the line with her and and confessing your feelings again to her may just give her more reason to keep her distance from you. Again, I think you are only thinking of your own feelings. I know it hurts for you but your ex is dealing with a lot as well. I've read other posts on here about telling ex's it's either all or nothing, but is anyone on here really looking for the nothing? I don't think so. I truly believe to reconnect with one's ex takes a lot of patience, as like you had when you first started dating - you didn't rush things because if you did you would have scared them away. Think about it!

[healinginnyc81]

Maybe lady bugg and lonelyfish are right that you should answer sometimes.

But DO NOT under any circumstances issue an ultimatum because that is just putting pressure on her and it won't help you any in terms of rebuilding your love for each other. She's probably confused, putting pressure on her isn't going to help.

 

Only answer the phone if you are sure you are in a good enough mood to be friendly and keep the conversation light. She ALREADY knows that you want to work this out, you don't need to keep telling her. If she's calling you it means she's trying to figure out what she wants and maybe give the relationship a chance to recapture the spark it used to have. If you are friendly with her then it gives her the chance to see you the way she used to and to fall back in love with you again. If you give an ultimatum or keep asking her about working things out then it will only give her bad feelings toward you and confuse her more (if she was considering getting back with you).

 

However, if after a few calls you get the sense that she's just using you for emotional support or to feel better about herself, you may have to tell her that you don't feel this is helping you move on with your life.

[OCD]

Thanks guys for the info...

As bkjsun said, I don't want to end up the emotional support pillow for her...that's what I'm trying to avoid here. Hopefully I'll get another call today...I'll keep you posted...I know I shouldn't call her back, right? As Lonelyfish said regarding thinking about only my feelings, I'm really trying not to do that...I am thinking about her and have been for over 4 months...It just seems like I keep getting my hopes and getting hurt when she calls and then doesn't...I'm not trying to rush things, but I sure wish my ex would just tell me that she's willing to work things out instead of this whole "testing the waters" stage...It's really unsettling. Also, as bkjsun said I need to make sure I'm in the right frame of mind when I talk to her...I was a mess yesterday when that phone rang, so that's why I didn't answer...I figured it was better not to say anything then sound like a bumbling fool So I feel a little better sleeping on it last night and I'm not too worried about it any more. If it's ment to be it will be and I do think I have a shot...I hope?? I really miss her and would do anything for her, I just need her to tell me that she feels the same way...How do I get her to say those things to me without sounding like an idiot? How long do I just keep playing it cool game? Sooner or later I'm going to have to tell her 'look this is going on too long' right?

Well thanks for the support everyone, I really appreciate it and it's nice to get other's advice so I can think outside of the box...This is the last day of the year so if there was a good time to get things going would be today....we could have a fresh start and work on the relationship again....I hope and pray that this happens...I'll play it cool and see why she is calling me...I know I shouldn't ask her why it took so long to call back, right? I hope I didn't screw things up by not answering her last night? I think she just thought I was out or what not...she knows I'm on vacation so I could have been out last night, etc....we'll see what happens to day...keep those prayers coming and good luck to you all...Thanks.

 

OCD

[Lady Bugg]

Ok first of all..I HAVE read your whole thread, and I will stick to my last post.

It's been what..almost 4 months since this all began? Your ex seems to have established a pattern with her calling you then retreating. Your doing what you're doing is only reinforcing that. I never said to issue her an ultimatum..I said to tell herwhere you stand at that youdon't want to continue the back and forth thing. Telling someone you are moving on, or that you refuse to stay in a holding pattern is NOT an ultimatum..it is standing up for yourself. Telling THEM what to do is an ultimatum...and something that rarely works.

 

All I am saying is if you continue on this course..you can expect to probably be here for another 4 months.

My opinion, of course.

[OCD]

Thanks Lady Bugg, I do appreciate your opinion. It's just so confusing going through all of this. I feel like I have stood up for myself telling her that I couldn't take these phone calls, I can't just be there for her emotional support, etc. But yet she keeps calling...why is she doing this? I hope I do receive another call from her today or tonight...Since it's the last day of the year I feel it might be a good time to tell her I'm not doing this 'back and forth' thing any more...You're right I do need to at least tell her that...the funny thing is I think she knows that already...Thanks again for your your time and hope we all have a Happy New Year....thank you.

 

OCD

[sibling295]

Telling someone you are moving on, or that you refuse to stay in a holding pattern is NOT an ultimatum..it is standing up for yourself. Telling THEM what to do is an ultimatum...and something that rarely works.

 

This OCD i have to agree with. BTW- Happy New Year Man!!!!

Listen , the whole situation sucks ...... But You Must stand up for yourself , I am glad to hear she is callin and i think you not answering is perfect. You are not some pathetic fool hanging around the phone. You have a life . If she wants to compliment it then great. Otherwise some other woman will. Wait till she calls you again. Dont call her. Keep it aloof. Stay strong and hang in there. Happy new year my friend.

Sib

[OCD]

Thanks Sib for your wonderful and encouraging advice this year and a very Happy New Year to you too. You're so sweet, thank you. You've been the positive back bone for me through many tough nights. You're the coolest!!! I'm actually glad at least one person thought is was "perfect" that I didn't answer last night She called twice last night and none today, perhaps she'll call me tonight??? Time will tell and yes I'm not a pathetic loser, heck no! I'm a stronger person than these threads make me out to be...

Thanks again Sib and I hope your New Year is filled with fun, laughter, adventure, and passion...take care. Wish me luck

 

OCD

[lonelyfish]

OCD, this is where I can relate to you in dealing with an ex that's gone through a divorce. It's not the same as dealing with someone that's been single all along. That is why I have been telling you to be patient with her if you really think there is something there. I think to give her an ultimatium now is to throw away any future with her at all. If you just keep it cool you never know what could happen. You should do what this thread promotes and work on yourself, maybe move on, maybe she'll decide to come back but in the mean time date other people, maybe you'll meet someone new, maybe not, but do you want to screw up never having a chance with your ex if you say you love her so much? To lay it on the line with someone that has been single for a while is one thing but for someone that has been married for a bit is a total different perspective!!! I wish you all the best as I've been through some of the same things myself. New Years tonight I find to be tougher than Xmas but I have to believe if it's meant to be it will be then otherwise I'm hoping to just make myself a little more stronger throught the experience!

[OCD]

Thanks Lonelyfish,

I hear you...I'm not going to throw down and ultilatum, I do think that's the wrong move...I'm trying to be patient, but it's hard as you can tell. I do love her, no questions. We had many good times and I don't connect with anyone on this planet like I do when we talk. It's crazy...but I think I do have another chance with her, she just needs to be ready. I have been dating, but that's no good either. I'm just not into any other girls at the moment...maybe I'll meet someone that will change that...

 

Thanks for being here Lonelyfish this year, we can relate because of the whole devorce issue...I'm taking that into account, trust me. You do agree that she needs to step up though, right? For my sake I can't do this back and forth stuff...I can't live my life wondering if she'll ever call me again. It was very hard wondering if her surgery went well, how her mother is, how her son is, her birthday, etc.etc...I'm just hanging in there tonight and not thinking about the whole New Years thing...I will make me sad...We had a blast last year and it was better than Christmas so tonight's memories are burning bright. I hope she's thinking the same thing?? Happy New Years Lonelyfish and thanks for everything. I hope things turn around for you in the New Year and that it brings you good fortune...take care. Thanks again.

 

OCD

[lonelyfish]

Hi OCD,

 

I'm very glad for your friendship on this site and I only wish the best for you. As I know as well, I hate waiting around for the chance with the person that I have strong feelings for like you. But I know through past relationships I've never been the one to move on so quickly especially now since like you I don't think I felt like I was given enough of a chance with my ex since he was going through his divorce and all. So I know it will take some time to move on and be comfortable with someone else again. Am I waiting for a second chance, hell yeah, but I know it does me no good to wait around for it. If it happens it happens. I feel for you though as your ex has made it a bit complicated in your recent contacts with her. I think you can at least see it as a bit of hope, as a girl, I can see she may seem a be a bit confused and by seeing that I see that you just have to be somewhat carefull. Just take comfort knowing we are all here for you knowing whatever may happen.

 

May the New Year bring you much happiness!

[OCD]

Happpy new Yearss guysss!!! it's like 12:15 and we're haiving a good timee...I want ot send my ex a textt messgase...shoudl I do it??!!! I ran here to see if thsat's ok? Some frineds of mine say it might not be a bad ideaa. Help! thanks agian...whew!!

 

OCD

[Pikey1972]

Sorry OCD, I don't wish to be rude, but have you been drinking? (your spelling seems a bit "askew").

 

If you HAVE been drinking I'd say sleep it off and DON'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW!

[OCD]

Hi all,

Yes, I was drinking last night...it was New Years and all...I hung out with a couple of friends and came on here because I got the urge to contact my ex since I didn't hear from her yesterday. I was hoping that she'd call me since I didn't answer her calls on Friday night...I guess that's my mistake...I'm so stupid...I should have answered her on Friday...now I have second thoughts. Nothing I can do about that right this sec, so I wait for another call from her. I really hope she was thinking about me last night? She's probably still recovering from her surgery; I'd love to talk to her about all of that...there's nothing else I can do...I can't call her, right? I have to be strong and wait it out and be patient...I'm trying but I really missed her this last month...bummer....thanks guys for being here.

 

OCD

[OCD]

Hi all,

I know most of the time it isn't a good idea to call you ex...I've been thinking since mine called me on Friday, twice and I didn't pick up...was that really a bad move on my part? Also, would this be one of those rare situations where it would ok to call her back?? I've just been thinking I made the wrong move not answer, but it was because it took her three weeks to call me back...I felt that I needed to send some sort of message and I was very comfortable on Friday night to talk to her any way...Thanks for any advice...I just really want to hear from her now and she hasn't called me back...sorry for venting a little...thanks.

 

OCD

[Pikey1972]

Hello again OCD, good to hear you had a good time!

 

If she contacted you a few days ago, then I'd say it's probably OK to return the compliment. You could always send her a brief text message, wishing her a Happy New Year - keep it short and to the point, with no mention of the relationship, and you should be fine. Don't worry too much about leaving it a few days - I'm sure she won't have been offended, as it's a busy time of year.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

[OCD]

Thanks Pikey, Happy New Year!

Well, I did send a text...yesterday...all it said was the following:

 

"Happy New Year T=====, 'OCD'"

 

I figured that was the best thing to do to let her know I wasn't angry or anything...Hopefully I'll get a call back so I can tell her that I'm not going to do this back and forth stuff any more...I've thought long and hard about this and you all are right, I do need to stand up. I suppose I was just afraid of losing her, but guess what she really isn't with me any way. It's just hard to let go for real...I've always had this hope and hanging on feeling...If she wants to be with me don't you think she'd tell me??? Thanks and wish me luck!

 

OCD

[lonelyfish]

Happy New Year OCD,

 

Since you sent your ex the text message I think maybe you should wait and see if she calls you back. If she called you before she will most likely try to call you again. Just answer the phone this time! I never understand why she never leaves you a message? If she doesn't call you by the end of this week, then maybe you can give her a call. I know this "game" sucks but again, continue to play it off as if you've been busy doing stuff.