Is he playing me?

[rachelb]

I am really fed up and confused about this guy who is really inconsistent - our dates would be great, he'll text and ask to see me again, I'll reply but then he won't reply for about 3 or 4 days and then suddenly text again but with some flirty text instead of actually setting a date and it's ages before we actually set an actual time.

 

Also, he'll say that he'll call and then all of a sudden text me with "why didn't you call me?" or be all flirty like "you're too good for me hey - don't be so mean! " and I'm so confused b/c I thought if he wanted to, he should call me, especially when he said he would be the one to call?

 

I feel like he's just stringing me along and being all hot and cold. Am I overreacting or is he just playing me and not taking me seriously? It's been about 3 mths of this.

[WildChild]

I don't know if he is playing you, but it does sound like he is stringing you along for whatever reason. Is he someone that you would really like to date, or if someone else came along you would drop him like a hot potatoe?

[RayKay]

Hmmmm.....I hate texts when they are used this way! Too many people use them as a repalcement for regular conversation...

 

It might be he is not very confident in phoning, so relies on texts where he can be more casual and "brave"...but whom knows for sure. It could also be that he is trying to play it cool, or that he is semi-interested, but not overly so.

 

Have you two discussed exclusivity yet, are you dating other people? Sleeping together?

[rachelb]

Is he someone that you would really like to date, or if someone else came along you would drop him like a hot potatoe?

 

Someone I would like to continue dating but I really don't know how b/c of how he's so hot and cold!

 

It might be he is not very confident in phoning, so relies on texts where he can be more casual and "brave"...but whom knows for sure. It could also be that he is trying to play it cool, or that he is semi-interested, but not overly so.

 

He's the confident type and in the beginning he was texting a lot while I was playing it cool and now it's kind of reversed. Am I overreacting to say that I find it rude that he would text me and then after I reply and ask him a question, he doesn't reply back for days?

[patience]

Have you told him how you are feeling about his inconsistency?

He may be playing it cool for any number of reasons.

I suggest you call him up and ask to get together to talk face to face.

[RayKay]

Am I overreacting to say that I find it rude that he would text me and then after I reply and ask him a question, he doesn't reply back for days?

 

I do not think it is overreacting, it is rude.

 

However, how about you ask him about it? Next time you see him, mention how you like it when he texts you, but then wonder where he disappears too! Do it casually, nonchalantly. Listen to his response and watch his actions after that. Sometimes people - men and women - are a bit clueless and need some guidance to know what is appropriate for you.

[WildChild]

Yeah, I would flip the table on him and see what his reaction is. Say something to him on the lines of what he says to you.

 

Although it is rude how he is doing this, he obviously likes you. He may be going through something right now whether he is dating someone else, working etc.. but my thought is this: He doesn't want to loose touch with you because he likes you, but at the same time he can't (again for whatever reason) commit to dates so he strings you along enough to keep you interested in him. Anyone else agree?

[tommyJ]

What he is doing is immature and a waste of time. I would tell him you are busy and don't have time for that crap. If he would like to schedule a date with you, then tell him to be a big boy and pick up the phone and ask and commit to it, otherwise move on to someone who is more mature and not into Text Messaging games. I myself am not a fan of this means of communication, especially when cyber text is used (i.e. what r u doing 2 nite?). I am very old fashioned in my ways, probably the way I grew up.

[Beec]

OK, first of all, you don't know if what he does is conscious or not. If he scheming or letting things happen. I am not sure and doubt that you can be either.

 

But whatever it is, you still want to date him, so in that regard it is working. It's working, but it is frustrating to you.

 

Let's assume he is doing this because he wants you to want him, that in an of itself is not bad is it? If it works and you want each toher, it really is nto a bad thing. What is bad is that you are frustrated.

 

Well, change things up. One of the things that really works is to give people rewards for doing thigns, but be unpredictable in how you do. If you do this, it can create obsession in the person you do it to. If he is obsessed with you, he will want you and these games may end.

 

What I would recommend doing is that the next tiem you see him, act aloof for a little while, then attack him, physically and sexually. How far you take it is up to you, but get a little physical, make out a bit. Then stop, abruptly. And tell him "if he is good he, may get more," with a sly and confident smile.

 

Now, you can take this as far as sex. I know a of a woman who showed up, made him go down on her, rode him while he sat, then left doing what I explained. He went from aloof to nuts about her overnight. A friends with benefits thing that had her uncomfortable and wanting more, change dot him chasing her for more.

 

But you do not need to take it as far as sex. You can grab him, neck and then seem to promise more will be ahead, if he works for it. Make him think sex with you will be really hot. If sex is not in the picture for a long time, then you can still use it.

 

he seems to have seduced you, now seduce him.

[rachelb]

But why does he do the whole "why didn't you call me" ..."that's not nice" thing? I mean is it to make me feel guilty or what? Even when HE said he would call? Unless I heard wrong (but either way, if he wanted to HE should call)

[patience]

none of us know why he is saying and doing these things, we can guess and come up with all sorts of possibilities, but really you just have to talk to him about this

[rachelb]

none of us know why he is saying and doing these things, we can guess and come up with all sorts of possibilities, but really you just have to talk to him about this

 

Well he's just like, you could call me? And I need to know whether he really is just stringing me along b/c I can then maybe move on. And even when I don't text him and I think we're over, he'll just re appear again and text me and the whole thing starts again.

 

Has anyone had similar experiences? Or guys - would you do this to a girl? What do you think?

[Miss M]

It seems like all your instincts are telling you something's not right about this guy. Unless you like the feeling of dealing with someone who is inconsistent... someone who keeps you guessing about what's happening next... someone who gives you the feeling of being strung along like a puppet... you should leave this guy alone. Do you like being confused and solving puzzles? Inconsistency like this is always bad news.

 

 

Yes, he's definitely playing you. You really have to decide, make up your mind once and for all that it's over, and then don't go back no matter what enticing behavior, words, or game he uses. Psychologists call this kind of behavior "crazy-making"... and that's exactly what it will make you if you stay with him. I'd suggest you get out now because it only gets worse, much worse.

[rachelb]

The thing is I'm leaving in a week to go overseas and I don't want to leave it on such a weird note. Should I call him to meet up, or technically, since he knows I'm leaving and since I already mentioned it to him before that we should catch up, he would call if he really wanted to catch up?

[Miss M]

Well, as is typical, guys like that are really good at choosing girls who want to earnestly do the right thing. With your sincere heart, you're worried about not wanting to leave things on a "weird" note. But HE's the one who created the "weird" situation that you'd like to smooth over. You really don't owe him anything at all. And the awkwardness he created is not yours to fix. He got a sadistic pleasure from trying to tie your head into a knot. He treated you rudely, but accused you of mistreating him. He instilled guilt in you while he jerked you around. Do you see the contrast? He doesn't feel any guilt. It was fun for him to see you confused. You've been played, but now you want to make sure you do your part to leave things on a good note? And would you like to give him one last go at trying to confuse you? Maybe he will pout and tell you again how rude you've been to him? Don't subject yourself to anymore of that. I suggest you just go, go, go and don't look back.

[Belle]

Rachel,

 

I agree with Miss M on this. It sounds like the guy is light heartedly playing you, because he isn't as involved as you are. Realize that the reason you are getting more involved is because he is inconsistent and this seems to draw people in. It is a game, whether intentional or not. But you are an adult and have a choice. You can decide to move on until he gets his act together. I don't know that he's mature enough to really communicate it to him, and honestly I think it would be a waste of time. your actions speak louder than words that his games are working on you. So back off and if he comes around correctly, then you can deal.

 

As far as the guilt and wanting to try to make things right, I think this is your fault actually. This is a "nice" person's way of trying to control a situation, imo. I've been there. "If I'm really nice they'll approve and I really really really need approval". Wrong. People may like you, but they'll never respect you when your'e bending over backwards to hand them your power so they can walk all over you. And guys don't really like a woman he can bend to his will, except the sadists. You need to stick up for yourself in an assertive, non aggressive way. Be confident that you have rights and don't need anyone else's approval. When a man tries to argue about how I feel, I shut them down. I feel a certain way and I'm not explaining it so he can turn it around on me. Lots of guys try this and it works, on women like you.

 

I'm not saying these things to hurt you. I just want you to look at what you're doing and know that this bending stuff wont' be successful in a relationship other than an unsatisfying one.

 

Best of luck,

 

Belle

[easyguy]

Man..

 

Y'all should listen to Tupac's "Keep Ya Head Up" (especially the guys out there!). That song's lyrics are powerful. It was true 10 years ago, and it's still true today... sadly.

 

(sorry if this post is slightly off-topic, but this song sends a powerful message to women who are disrespected by men in relationships)

[WildChild]

I dunno. I've had men interested in me and have done the same things that this guy is doing. But for whatever reason they can't committ at that time. If you are leaving in a week, just text him back and say somthing along the lines of "See ya when I get back "