Sleeping on the couch again.... Same old probs don't go away

[Comfy_Couch]

Hi,

 

Well tonight I'm sleeping on the couch again. Seams to be a pretty regular occurrence lately, maybe once a week. Sometimes she sleeps on the couch too. I guess it depends who got into bed first on the fight night.

 

Mainly we fight about my family. Tonight our fighting is based around my brothers wedding. My wife doesn't get on with by brothers fiance. The only reason that I can see for that BTW, is that my wife is jealous of her. But thats not my main concearn today.

 

My main concearn is that I am tired of listening to her complain about my family. I understand that not everyone is perfect and my family certainly have their fair share of flaws (as do I), but there has to be a point when you have to forgive the past, accept one anothers faults, and move forward.

 

At my brothers wedding I will be the best man and I will obviously be involved in the wedding ceremony. I have also volunteered to help out with some of the preparations. It's my brothers wedding and I want it to be a great family day. But my wife is so totally anti the whole thing and that's becoming very difficult for me to deal with. I am frustrated that she cannot be happy about the wedding and get involved herself.

 

Here is what's bothering her:

 

We have a 10 month old daughter and the wedding is out of town. We're flying there, as are the bride and groom and all the other guests. My wife is upset with my brother and his fiance because she feels they were inconciderate to have the wedding so far away. She feels that she was not concidered when they made that decision in the fact that we have to take our daughter with us, and she is probably right.

 

But... it is THEIR wedding day and they can choose to have it where they like as far as I'm concearned. She can always choose not to come, but that presents another set of issues. i.e. She'll feel left out, My family will feel rejection, blah blah blah.....

 

There may also be a litttle bit of jealousy about the wedding. We had, as a lot of people do, control issues at our wedding between my Mother and my wife.

 

We do have other forgivness issues between her and my family, but I guess I can't unload everything in one posting. But lets just say that I feel like I owe it to MY family to defend them more but it causes a lot of arguments between my wife and I, so it inevitably just builds up inside me while she just gives me a good earbashing about how terrible they all are. I try to justify their behaviour but I don't push to hard, to avoid a large conflict between us.

 

How can I get her to feel more apart of my family? Her family live overseas, and whenever we visit them, I feel very much a part of her family. Her family is lovely! I love them, and I feel that it is reciprocated. I would like the same thing here for her, but it seams an impossibility. What is most important to me is that I don't want her to impart her ill feelings toward my family onto our dughter. I feel that the relationship issues between my wife and my family are preventing my family from having their fair share of interaction with my daughter. She has a right to have good, frequent contact with her grandparents and her uncle too. What can I do?

 

Anway, I guess for tonight, I probably deserve to sleep on the couch. Our exchange ended like this:

 

Her: "Everyone in your family are selfish!"

 

Me: "No.... you're the one who's selfish"

 

Comfy_Couch

[Stari]

I would want my wife to be number one in my life. And I would also want my wife to feel that she is number one too.

 

The children comes second and the extended family even further down the list of priorities, in my opinion.

 

More than meeting grandparents, the child needs to have parents who get along. Or am I missing something here?

[lunatic]

Although you may want to have your wife and mother get along it is also their responsibility to try to get along. I don't get along with some of the people in my family and I try to be nice when I am around them while my 90 year old grandfather is still with us.

 

What I would do is sit both of them down and tell them that this is BS. They may not like each other but, they have to try to get along for the kids and families sake. They have both thrown you into a difficult position that is not fair. I would explain to them that this is a family and they need to put the past behind them and move on.

[dirtbubble]

I tend to agree with the spirit of the other replies. Your wife is your new family. What you have with the family you were raised with is now like a cement block. You can't get rid of it if you try, beautiful or ugly. Your new family with your wife, on the other hand, is like a precious and fragile crystal which must be preserved or it may get damaged.

 

It sounds like your family has issues which are just as difficult as your wife's, but that you gave up on them a long time ago. My suggestion is that you change things up - give your mom and your family the third degree about how they treat your wife, ask them to make real concessions, show your wife that they care about you, her and your new family. The reason: your family will continue to love you, but your wife is losing it.

 

I don't think there's anything you do about the wedding, though. You both have to go and live through it somehow. Really try to take your wife's side for once. Talk to her nicely, agree that you can see she feels bad about these things, and that you care. Don't make her feel like you favor your family over her - that is not going to work out well.

 

I also agree that your wife sounds unreasonable, but whose wife isn't?

[SLMitchell918]

I agree with dirtbubble and with the other replys. Your family, even though they are important to you, are not your new family. You actually have a new family of your own to take care of. Try not to cause agruments over things that deal with your family because that just causes a bigger crack in your marriage. Maybe your wife has legit reasons to be upset. Don't get upset about everything she says, just let it slide off your shoulders. You love your parents and brother and truly that is all that matters. She doesn't have to love her in-laws. She can try but sometimes people just clash. All that matters is that you two have a good marriage.

[BellaDonna]

She doesn't have to love her in-laws

 

I agree. I think you should actually tell your wife this. Tell her you are in an uncomfortable position, but as best man you have certian obligations but that this will all be ending soon. Ask her to put on a smile for this one-time wedding out of RESPECT for you. Gently remind her that marriage is for better OR WORSE. This is a "worse" situation. It will annoy her. But it will pass too. Tell her you are happy to have her as your date and grateful that she'll be there with you.

 

If you are traveling out-of-town for this wedding try to plan something special for you to do the next day with your wife and child. Make your wife feel special- take her somewhere nice. Turn the negative into a positive.

 

And this sleeping on the couch thing... it must end. It's not an effective way for either of you to deal with problems. It's immature and unproductive. You need more effective modes of commincation to deal with the everyday issues that arise in a marriage. No fight this small should cause such utter disgust that makes it unbearable to even lay in the same bed as the other person. You can't sweat the small stuff- it could ultimately lead to the demise of your marriage. If you think there are major communication issues going on- then perhaps marriage counseling would be a good idea. There are probably little things that have built-up which should be addressed, and addressed effectively.

 

BellaDonna

[Beec]

OK, your wife has to be number one on your list. If your wife and your mother got in a fight, you cannot take your mother' side then and there. You should try to stop it and get your mother and her to back away, then if you think one is wrong, explain that to them alone, and try to get reolution. But if someone fights with your wife, you need to fight on her side.

 

Otherwise, she needs to accept your family. They are flawed people, but you lvoe them. You are going to do what you can and feel you shold to be with and enjoy your family. If they are selfish louts, they are still family. And she needs to accept that they will always have a place in your heart.

 

She can go along with you to see your family and try to enjoy them for the flawed people they are, or she cans tay at home, isolate herself from them and embarrass the crap out of you by doing so. That's her choice, that's the choice I would give her.

 

If she embarrassed me, I would not be the one sleeping on the couch.

 

And that would be the end of the story.

[Day_Walker]

You need to stop trying to hard to make your wife a part of your family. It just so happens that she doesnt fit in your family like you do hers and you have to realize that is fine. You do have to realize that your wife and daughter are your main concern and your family comes after them. I think you need to take what your wife says about your family and be able to move on from there. If your wife and your family dont get along that well then you need to know that its only a matter of time before something drastic happens.

[punchy504]

I was in a long term relationship with someone who would never be the buffer between me and his family- guess what, I left. I agree with everyone else, your new family, their wants, needs comforts and preferences now come before your old family.

 

and for the wedding, can't you hire a sitter to watch the child for while you are gone- use that time not as mommy and daddy but as husband and wife. let the romance of a wedding rekindle that spark for you guys.

[Indirect]

Beside the whole your wife's issues with your family, I think you two sleeping in a different bedrooms over marital issues is childish. Every couple has a fight now and then but you are living under a same roof. If you continue doing that, the next year, everytime you got into a fight, one of you's going to stay overnight at a hotel or an inn. Don't go sleep on a couch, get back to your own bed. You guys aren't a child anymore, you have a kid at hand. Act like adults. Some of the issues she may have with your family is unreasonable or perhaps what we heard here is one sided, I don't know. But why don't you guys sit down one day and go over everything that triggers her anger towards your family. Maybe she got a point, maybe she is not being reasonable.

[Comfy_Couch]

Thanks for your advice everyone.

 

It seams pretty conclusive then, what I should do. I do feel a bit bad about my old family thou. I know that in the past they have probably been a little out of line, but they are sincerely sorry and are trying really hard to accept My wife into our/their family. My only gripe with it is that I feel forgiveness is important, and I'm not seeing very much from my wife. I guess thats something I'll have to learn to live with.

 

Thanks again everyone. I feel a little more confident now in moving forward.

 

Comfy_Couch

[melrich]

I agree with what the general sentiment of the other posters, your wife and child are the priority and you cannot make your wife get along with your family.

 

But I think there has to be a proviso. If your wife's animosity towards your family is totally unreasonable then I think you have cause to be aggrieved and maybe what you do need to do is try and broker a peace deal.

 

Re. the wedding. Of course you brother can get married where he wants and I'm pretty sure he is not deliberately having it out of town to make things hard for your wife. But i don't think it is worth arguing over. If she does not want to go then just accept her decision and paint it in its best light to your family.

[OverParanoid]

I also agree with everyone who posted before me . Sleeping on the couch aint gonna solve the issue at hand. You love your family but you also have a new family seems like your torn between the two. What concerns me is the child. Children can sense tension in the household and this is not healthy for your child. Sit down and listen to your wife, show her that you care about her feelings and are willing to listen to why she feels the way she does. She maybe seeing in your family something you are not and this disturbs her dearly. Maybe she feels you pay more attention to your family then you are with your current one. Remember you wife and child is the most important in your life now, you need to put them first, even if you dont agree on everything, Get off that couch, be an adult and get to the bottom of this before this little issue causes a lifetime of damage..good luck