Boyfriend's lesbian fetish

[justify_yourlove]

1) My boyfriend has a serious lesbian fetish. He likes to dress up as Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera during Halloween and concerts. He gets sexually aroused flirting with other girls. We've had sex while he wore the costume before and I feel like he was actually a lot happier sexually that way. He claims he likes both ways but I feel like he was more aggresive (which I wanted before).

 

I feel really uncomfortable about this. We've talked about how he loves being with me either way. Maybe I'm just insecure?

 

2) Also, we have a long-term long-distance relationship, he kissed (just smack) 6 girls during Halloween. He thought I was okay with it because I'd always joke about him flirting with other girls. It was my way to show him I'm secure and I know he likes the jokes but it backfired at me. I hated it and was deeply hurt.

 

Should I be worried? He admits he was sexually excited but I too was emotionally excited by a guy in Halloween. Which is more serious? Or this even an issue?

 

3) He is coming over this weekend and we planned to have the Lesbian Costume sex but I feel like I'm doing it only for his favor. Is this wrong? We unofficially "broke up" or are on "limbo/cool off" stage. Would having sex complicate the situation?

[cichlid]

Yes it will. Sex always complicates things.

[shes2smart]

Sounds like your bf is actually cross-dresser. Nothing wrong with that. There's also nothing wrong with you not being turned on or interested by it.

 

Fetishes/kinks are a funny thing...they're not something people can "get over." If you don't have one, you might think people who do are weird/sick and if you have a fetish/kink, you might think people who don't are repressed/prudes. Neither of those outlooks is correct, and neither does anything to help one understand the other. It's not fair for the non-kink partner to shame the kinky partner for their fetish, and it's also not fair for the kinky partner to pressure the non-kinky partner to particpate if they have no interest.

 

Since I'm getting the impression from your post that you have no interest in his cross-dressing, and I'm also getting the impression that sex w/the dressing-up is how he'd actually prefer it, I think you're probably better off not continuing an intimate relationship with him. You'd both be happier with partners who are a better sexual match.

 

And, yes, there are women who like a cross-dressing partner and assist their partner in shopping & dressing up, then go out with him in drag and so forth.

 

Again, I want to stress to you that there is nothing wrong with his wanting to do this and there's nothing wrong with you NOT wanting to participate. What would be wrong is if you continued to do something you didn't care for just to appease him or because you felt pressured to.

 

That being said, I think it would be a mistake for you to continue the sexual portion of this relationship knowing you feel the way you do.

[trlblazer]

This sounds like a lifestyle you don't want to get involved in! Dressing up in a costume for Halloween is one thing, but doing it at the end of November is another. If you have a long distance relationship then I'll bet he's doing all sorts of weird stuff behind your back as well.

[BellaDonna]

He is coming over this weekend and we planned to have the Lesbian Costume sex but I feel like I'm doing it only for his favor

 

If this is how you feel, then don't do it. Sex should never be a favor, chore, or a sacrifice. You are likely to resent him if you sleep with him for this reason.

 

It sounds like the 2 of you are probably not compatible. I agree with the others that it's time to move on completely.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Day_Walker]

I think that this isnt actually a lesbian fetish instead its actually more of a crossdressing issue. Its hard to say how far this issue does actually go since it can be a sign that he has a sexual identity issue. You need to decide if you want to continue having sex with him since only you can decide that.

[novaseeker]

He's a crossdresser. Many crossdressers have a fetish about having sex with women while dressed as women (it is like prentending like they are a lesbian).

 

Nothing wrong with that, it's more common than many people think. But if you don't like it or are put off by it, you shouldn't have to. It's an issue of sexual compatibility.

 

One thing to keep in mind about crossdressers in general is that what they are sharing with you is often the tip of the iceberg of their ideas, practices and fantasies in this area. Just something to keep in mind.

[justify_yourlove]

Actually, I told him that I felt he had a sexual identity crisis as well. He is a lot happier when he dresses as a woman overall. At least I do realize it would be wrong for me to have sex with him for a favor because sex should be a mutual, intimate moment that both partners can connect deeply with each other. I even try to convince myself that I was "starting to like it". We have been together for a very long time and only experimented with the lesbian sex over the summer. At that time, I noticed my sex drive dropped drastically and I do believe it is because of it. It's just sad because of how serious the issue actually is and we are deeply in love.

[shes2smart]

You're in a tough position, since you do love each other. You are right in realizing that it IS a serious issue. It's not likely you're going to be able to reach a workable compromise that will be fair and satisfying to both of you, no matter how hard you try.

 

I've been involved in the BDSM community for about 8 years now, and have met a number of cross-dressers as well as other kinky folk. Many of them have similar stories to yours & your bf's -- involvement with a non-kink partner. Every once in a while I run accross couples where they do manage to make some kind of compromise with a non-kink partner that works, but it's far more common that relationships break up over the kink/non-kink issue. Sometimes it can get very nasty and result in a lot of harm to the self-esteem of both parties.

 

It's painful in the short term, but in the long term I believe (based on what I've seen first hand from others in kink/non-kink relationships who I've met) that you will both be happier and more satisfied if you seek out relationships with other partners who are more sexually compatible for you both.

 

Others have managed to navigate through simliar situations, and improve their lives and relationships and you can do the same. Best of luck to you.

[justify_yourlove]

Thanks for the help everyone. Should I talk to him about it before I see him Friday or just wait then? We've brought up the subject because but after today's discussion, I wanted to share others thoughts with him. I was really worried about it earlier but now I feel like I can wait. Maybe talking about it more personal is better and it is not an urgent matter?

[novaseeker]

Thanks for the help everyone. Should I talk to him about it before I see him Friday or just wait then? We've brought up the subject because but after today's discussion, I wanted to share others thoughts with him. I was really worried about it earlier but now I feel like I can wait. Maybe talking about it more personal is better and it is not an urgent matter?

 

It's a serious issue, sad to say.

 

A great book on this is "My Husband Betty" by Helen Boyd. Buy it. Read it. It explains many of the issues with this that women face with partners like this. Not all negative, but it tells all. Read it and then think and reflect. But do not sweep this under the rug ... it's a significant compatability issue.

[capricorn85]

You do not seem comfortable with this at all! Do not do things just to please him. You are in the relationship also, if you do not like it then dont do it.

[WildChild]

If you two are unofficially broken up, then are you two just hooking up this weekend to goof around? I guess everyone is different, but there are things that I have done with my bf that I have never done with anyone else and never thought I would do with anyone. However, if we were "unofficially broken up" I wouldn't do those same things with him because when we did do it, it was because we were together as a couple and not just two people messing around.

 

You need to talk to him this weekend about it. Do it face to face so you can read his reaction. I'm not putting words out there, but obviously you need to do what you are comfortable doing. And if this makes you uncomfortable and you can't get passed it then it is not good for you at all. If this is not something that he is willing to give up and see's himself with you, it is hard to not speculate that he will find alternatives to fix his fetishes if you won't. It sounds as though you have tried and it just doesn't change your opinion. You must do what you are comfortable doing.

[justify_yourlove]

We say we are broken up but we still "act" like a couple over the phone (saying "I love you", heavy flirting). I think it was just "hooking up" and I think I shouldn't do it either. I will definitely talk to him about these issues face to face. I agree now that I shouldn't have sex with him that way if it is uncomfortable for me because sex shouldn't be a favor, but rather a mutual thing.

[babycristy456]

A man who dresses like a woman is not bc he likes lesbians...thats an excuse. he is cross dressing and gets excited over it. Everyone has their own kink and that is okay...but it should not be "sugar coated" by saying that he likes lesbians. He might like lesbians too, but this might also be an confusion of his own sexual desires.

 

Having feelings and loving a person is one thing, but there are many areas that people need to be compatible in, such as sex, religion, values, long term goals, etc... that makes a relationship work. If relationships would simple just work out by "love" then there would not be so many heartbreaks, there has to be compatibility...

 

Ask yourself "Can I live happily with this person and their habits every day of my life?" If you answer is no, then you should analyze the long-term promise that this relationship has.