Husband wants to explore his sexuality

[ladybuggrl]

Last night my husband told me he wants to try being with a man sexually. He also told me that he has had sexual dreams about one of his gay coworkers. Our relationship is already rocky..dealing with his lying, having phone sex with my best friend, etc... I thought I would be ok about this but I am finding it harder and harder to deal with. I don't think our marriage is strong enough to handle this. I do want him to feel like he can tell me things but I feel he should be more concerned with earning my trust..not fulfilling his sexual fantasies. Not sure if I should tell him how I really feel and risk him never telling me his feelings again....I am just so confused!

[Rabican]

Im gonna go out on a limb here and say your husband is out of his mind. First off hes having phone sex when your married... not a good thing in my opinion. Second, he wants to be with a man... I wont even get into the wrongness of that (my opinion) but it will suffice to say that 'exploring' his sexuality is something he should have done BEFORE you were married.

 

he either doesnt respect you/ and your relationship or he just isnt ready to be married.

 

Put myself in your shoes.. Id tell him its either hes with you, and he learns to respect that, and act like he wants to be with you ie no phone sex, no cheating, no gay sex etc... or show him the door and the divorce papers.

 

Your marriage shouldnt have to be strong enough to survive this, he shouldnt ever put you through this in the first place. He obviously is more concerned with sex, and fulfillling his own fantasies (gross as they may be) than he is concerned with you and your feelings. Is that something you want to live with for the next 5, 10, 50 years?

 

Simply tell him to shape up, or ship out. Thats all there is to it.

[capricorn85]

what! do not put up with that. You should tell him how you are really feeling, if you are uncomfortable with that then he needs to realize that sweety. If he cannot respect you then he needs to get the boot. He is not a little boy, he is a grown man and a married man at that, he needs to respect you!

[Vanilla]

its bad enough you let it go after he had phone sex with your best friend. I can't even believe you can still say "best friend" and callhim your "husband" that is just DESPICABLE.

 

In a way at least he isbeing honest that he wants to be with other men- this is good because I hope now you can see the BIG RED FLAG that has been waving since he had phone sex with that person. Don't you see this is just all a big giant mess and COMPLETELY disrespectful and insensitive towards you??

 

Instead of investing himself sexually and emotionally with you- HIS WIFE, he is out there daydreaming of OTHERS.

 

You can put up with this? This is what you want??

 

I'd have his butt out the door.

[kellbell]

Oh my, no way. What he is doing is totally unacceptable! Phone sex with your best friend? Wanting to have sex with another man??? So what if he is having dreams, doesn't mean they have to come true. People dream about weird stuff all the time. Either you both see a marriage consuler or consider giving this guy the ol'heave-ho. Sorry about your situation. You are really in a tough spot.

[BellaDonna]

Cheating is cheating whether it is with a man or a woman. Does he not realize that having sex with a man is cheating on you? "Exploring his sexuality" is a sugar-coated way to put it- it's cheating, loud and clear.

 

My guess is that he's probably gay and in the closet. If that is the case he should not string you along- but just be honest and have the decency to let you go so you can lead a normal life and live it with a man who is satisfied with being your husband and willing to honor those vows.

 

He shouldn't have his cake and eat it too. I'm not sure if he'll ever earn your trust because it seems he doesn't want to. He'd rather have you sit there and deal with any pain he may cause you by cheating and acting on his fantasies. He already acted on one by having phone sex with your friend. He's out of control. He is disregarding you completely.

 

 

I hope now you can see the BIG RED FLAG that has been waving

 

I agree. In fact I'd say it is a huge bright red flag which flashes with lights and is accompanied by the sound of a fog horn.

 

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

Last night my husband told me he wants to try being with a man sexually. He also told me that he has had sexual dreams about one of his gay coworkers. Our relationship is already rocky..dealing with his lying, having phone sex with my best friend, etc... I thought I would be ok about this but I am finding it harder and harder to deal with. I don't think our marriage is strong enough to handle this. I do want him to feel like he can tell me things but I feel he should be more concerned with earning my trust..not fulfilling his sexual fantasies. Not sure if I should tell him how I really feel and risk him never telling me his feelings again....I am just so confused!

 

You have a terrible "best friend" - I hate to know how your regular friends treat you and your relationship.

 

You also have a really big problem in your marriage, a lot of mistrust, dishonesty, lying and so forth already, how do you think him sleeping with someone else would help that? It is one thing to have fantasies and dreams, another to actually want to take the steps to be with someone else based on those.

 

You are married, you are partners, your feelings should be just as important as his in this. If you are afraid of telling him how you really feel, how much of a partnership do you really feel with this man?

 

I don't know much about your relationship, but already there are some big red flags in a very short post that indicate to me sex is only one of the issues here. How long have you been married, and has your relationship always had these problems? What is the "rest" of your relationship like?

 

He is being blatantly disrespectful and horrible towards you, there is no way it is an issue of your marriage "not being strong enough to survive this" - he should NOT be doing this in the first place. When someone loves you, respects you and the marriage and wants you, they don't do this to you.

 

Honestly from the sounds of it, I would be packing up my bags and walking out of there as fast as I could. I advise you either do the same, or talk to him about getting into joint marital counselling ASAP.

[Day_Walker]

I think that you need to look at his actions and make a determination what is the appropriate action for you at this point. If he is only concerned with his sexual fantasies then he isnt paying attention to the marriage. You need to act accordingly and set some firm boundaries and realize that if your boundaries are crossed then there are consequences.

[Relationship Coach]

Ldybugrl,

I'm with everyone else on this. My question is, with all you have put up with and allowed thus far, why are you worried about confronting him and risking him never telling you his feelings again? You should be splitting up assets and deciding where to live. His actions and disregard for your feelings show that he has no respect for you. He is going to do what ever it is he wants with or without your consent whether it be doing a friend, male, female, farm animal, who knows? Get out of this marriage. The trust is gone and you can find someone better, that I am 100% sure of!

[OverParanoid]

Wow this is a deep area to start with. I have to agree with all the comments before me. His already sending you a message by sharing with you his feelings. He wants to be with a man? I really dont think its just one of the spur of the moment things, seems like he thought long and hard about it for awhile now. I say go let him experiment and you pack your things and be on your way. You deserve better then this , Its real heartbreaking to find out the one you love and thought u wanted to spend the rest of your life with wants to be with a man, I find that as a insult towards you, leave him on the curb, you can and will do better..Best of luck...

[ratherbesailing]

ladybuggirl -

 

I have a friend in your exact situation. She's been trying to keep the marriage together but it isn't working. She just doesn't trust him anymore.