bsp_kjm Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 I know a few of you have followed my posts in the Breaking Up and Healing After Break-Up sections, and I've got some great advice from all of you, so please dont be disappointed in me after this post. I went against a lot of people's advice and saw my ex these past couple days. I hadnt seen her for over 3 weeks and I had kept NC for almost a full 2 weeks straight before she sent me an email, card, and txt on the 23rd. This past wednesday, the ex's sisters invited me to a movie. I decided to go since none of my friends were around and I wanted to get out of the house. We saw that Harry Potter movie, and went to a couple stores afterwards. It was great hanging out with them, they are very kool kids. When we got back to their house, the ex was there, back from college for Thanksgiving weekend. In my mind and heart, a voice told me that I had to see her. So even though the advice from all of you and my friends was running through my head, I walked into the house and saw the ex. She gave me a hug and said it was nice to see me. We chatted a bit about what had been going on in our lives lately and then all the questions I had been asking myself about our situation flooded to the front of my mind. I ended up telling her that I felt she wasnt being completely honest with me about the break up. The ex told me that she loved me, was still in love with me, and missed me everyday, but there were so many factors in her life that were making her stressed that she just couldnt deal with a relationship anymore. She stated that she didnt feel she could "give the time and love a relationship demands." She also said that she didnt want to "be bound by the restraints of a relationship." I asked her what she meant by this and she said she didnt want to have to "worry about pleasing someone 24/7" and "wanted some freedom to do what she wants." I asked what she wanted to do that needed her to not be "bound" by a relationship. She couldnt anwer. I asked if she wanted to see other guys, she said no. She just wanted a friendship with me, to not feel compelled to have to call me every morning and night or to have to see me every week. She just wanted time and space to focus on other things. I told her that if she wanted time and space, that I would just not talk to her anymore like the past couple weeks. She didnt want that because she felt NC was only pushing us further apart. She just wanted less contact and only as friends, which meant no physical contact, no signs of affection, no hugging, kissing, pet names, cute words, etc. I asked if there was a chance of us getting back together down the road. She said she didnt know, that time could only tell. I asked if she was trying to get over me, and she said no. After the talk, I left. Thanksgiving went by, got a call from her that night just saying goodnight. Told me she loved me and missed me and she'd call the next morning. Friday, no calls or txts all day. Right before I got out of work that night, she left me a txt msg asking me to come over and watch a movie with her. I hung out with some friends and then went over to her house. I acted like nothing was bothering me, called her "buddy" (I only call my friends that) and didnt try to make any physical contact with her. She was sitting on the other end of the couch and several times reached over with one of her feet and rubbed it against mine. The movie we were watching was a lame musical and there were a couple times I got up and started dancing all goofy with one of her sisters. One of those times, the ex got up and gave me a huge hug and kiss on the cheek. I played it off like it didnt matter to me. I laid down on the couch and the ex ran her hand through my hair and put an arm on me. It got pretty late so I ended up crashing in my room that I have at her house. She laid in the bed with me and foolishly, I held her as we laid there. Maybe it was because I was half-asleep and I missed her so bad, but I kissed her a couple times on the cheek and she just smiled. She ran her fingers through my hair and called me by my pet names. I told her I didnt want her doing this stuff out of sympathy for me or guilt, and she said she would never do that. Then she got up and went to her room. The next day (yesterday), when she got dressed, I told her she was beautiful, and she told me not to tell her that kind of stuff since I wasnt her boyfriend anymore. She also said to never speak of any of our sexual experiences together and to never refer to anything about her that regarded anything sexual. she informed me that she had to go visit her grandmother with her family. She told me I had to leave. As I was leaving, her mother and aunt asked me to come along to breakfast with them. I told them that maybe it wasnt the best idea, but the ex said it was fine with her. On the drive to the resteraunt, I brought up old memories of a time we went to a beach. She got very mad and told me to not talk about the old times. We arrived at the resteraunt where I sat with her and her sisters. She held my hand under the table and would rub my stomach or touch the tip of my nose with her finger. She even leaned into me and rested her head on my shoulder. After breakfast, her family suggested going shopping at some stores half an hour away. The ex asked me to come along. So we all drove over there, went to Target, where the ex placed her arm around my waist, and then put her hand in my rear pants pocket. I gave her an odd look and she said, "I can still do this," and smiled. I shrugged. Inside the store, we were looking at greeting cards and she unexpectedly gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek and thanked me for hanging out with her. I got a couple txt msgs from friends on my cell, and she asked me who I was talking to, but then said, "nevermind, I shouldnt care anymore, you're just my friend." That bugged me a lil. She actually said that on several occasions, like when I had mentioned that I had seen an old friend of ours, she asked, "Where were you when you saw him... wait, nevermind, I dont care where you go, we arent together." At the next store, we ran into one of her distant cousins whom I had never met. She didnt introduce me to him. Her sisters said she was rude for not introducing me, and she said, "well, I dont know what to introduce you as." I told her just introduce me as a friend. We ran into one of her old teachers a lil while later and she introduced me as her boyfriend. She then told me that when others ask about us, we should just refer to eachother as boyfriend and girlfriend still since it is "just easier." She then held my hand as we walked around the next store. We finally went to another store where she picked out some clothes for me to try on. I tried them on and she couldnt stop telling me how hot I was and that she "wanted to jump my bones" right then and there. She then scolded herself for thinking like that. I tried on a jacket and she gave me a really goofy look, like the one you see on tv when a character falls in love with someone on first sight. I jokingly asked her, "Falling in love with me all over again?" and she replied with, "What are you talking about, I am in love with you! You are the love of my life." I didnt know how to react. I tried on some more clothes and she told me she was horny for me. Then she planted a big kiss on my lips, smiled, and said, "you should come over tonight" while winking. I asked if she was being serious. She frowned and said, "no, I need my space, remember?" So confusing. She then bought me $80 worth of clothes because she wanted me to wear them around her next time we hung out. I reminded her that she didnt need to buy me these clothes since she wasnt going to be home from school for another month to see me in them and that she needed her "space" from me, and she said that she would try to come next week just to see me. I finally realized I had to leave for work and informed her. She gave me a hug and said to have a good drive. She called me 3 times later while I was at work. One to thank me for hanging out with her, one to inform me that she bought me another sweater and left it at her house for me, and a third wishing me a good nite and she'd call the next morning (today). Now its today and I havent heard from her at all. I really dont know what to make of this situation. One moment she is telling me we are not together, that she needs her space, and not to show any sort of affection for eachother at all, then the next minute she is acting like nothing has changed. Can anyone interpret what is going on here? Is this situation the old "she wants her cake and to eat it too?" Am I reading too much into this? Is she doing all of this out of sympathy or guilt? I'm tripping out and I dont know whats going on. Can anyone help me? Thanks for reading this insanely long and boring post! Link to comment
kellbell Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 Oh my goodness dude! You need to stay away from her. It was agonizing reading this post and I cringed as I read futher and further along. This a classic example of someone wanting to have his or her cake and eating it too. This girl and her family is going to torture you slowly!! Unless this girl says to your face (no texting BS or emails) "hey let's work this out" then everything else is bull. NC all the way dude. Link to comment
heloladies21 Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 Of course NC and don't look back is the best thing you could do, but you are unable to do that at this point. In this case you should tell her how you feel and how you want to get back together. Tell her every time you see her or talk to her. It won't bring her back to you, but all of the rejection will push you to the point where you'll be able to do NC for real. What you're doing now simply won't work. You're just stringing yourself along by doing this inbetween friends thing until she gets bored with you and drops you for good. Link to comment
bsp_kjm Posted November 27, 2005 Author Share Posted November 27, 2005 Of course NC and don't look back is the best thing you could do, but you are unable to do that at this point. Too true. NC is the hardest thing for me to do at this point. I really dont want to do it, but I know that it would be best, even though the EX said it was only pulling us further apart. I just want to be with her. Even though I was feeling tortured and confused yesterday while with her, I felt very happy at the same time I wanted to thank the both of you for taking the time to read my post and respond. I appreciate it... Link to comment
jnelson Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 man, this girl is crazy..no offense but she seems really immature...i think you would be better off giving her space. i guarantee you she will be back.. Link to comment
bsp_kjm Posted November 28, 2005 Author Share Posted November 28, 2005 man, this girl is crazy..no offense but she seems really immature...i think you would be better off giving her space. i guarantee you she will be back.. funny thing is she was probably the most mature and organized person I knew up to these last couple weeks... Link to comment
bsp_kjm Posted November 29, 2005 Author Share Posted November 29, 2005 she called me 6 times yesterday. i was tripping out. didnt pick up any of them. then she sent me a txt saying, "are you trying to make me suffer cuz i think you are". Link to comment
kellbell Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 Oh please!!! #-o After all she put you through, she has the gall to write that??!! She is trying to get a reaction out of you....don't I repeat, don't fall for it. Kudos for being strong yesterday for not answering any of her calls. You can do it. Stay strong, this is really for the best. Hang in there dude. Link to comment
bsp_kjm Posted November 29, 2005 Author Share Posted November 29, 2005 Stay strong, this is really for the best. Hang in there dude. thanks, im trying Link to comment
bsp_kjm Posted November 30, 2005 Author Share Posted November 30, 2005 She called again yesterday, just once. No voicemail. Then she sent me an email telling me to "pick up your f^ckin phone." Got a txt msg from her this morning telling me good morning and she'd call later after class... hmmmm... Told my MFT counselor about the situation and she told me that it sounds like my ex is trying to call the shots and see if I give in to them. She said its like she's trying to see if she can pull my strings and I should set my "boundaries." She suggested that I contact the ex and tell her something along the lines of, "Look, I love you and miss you, but you want your space away from me, so I think we should only have contact once a week (or two weeks or month) so you can have your space." I'm thinking of doing it, just dont really know how the ex will react. I sorta like that she calls or txts or emails me, makes me feel like she's missing me and its killing her that she cant get a hold of me. I just dont want to push her further away... hmmmm Link to comment
kellbell Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 Hi there! I am so glad to see that you followed through on seeing a counselor. Good for you. I agree with the MFT by her saying your ex is trying to call all the shots but I disagree with her approach on what she told you to say to your ex. Don't make it about her. Like she said I know you want your space and such. Don't make it about her and what she wants and her space, make it about you and what you want. I don't know, what do you think? Link to comment
yeawutever Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 Omg, she's a freak and crazy and at once like using u so she can have her cake and eat it. Set ur boundaries and if not, then NC is the answer. Link to comment
bsp_kjm Posted November 30, 2005 Author Share Posted November 30, 2005 Hi there! I am so glad to see that you followed through on seeing a counselor. Good for you. I agree with the MFT by her saying your ex is trying to call all the shots but I disagree with her approach on what she told you to say to your ex. Don't make it about her. Like she said I know you want your space and such. Don't make it about her and what she wants and her space, make it about you and what you want. I don't know, what do you think? kellbell, thanks for sticking with me through this thread. i agree that i should make it about me and not her. i just dont really know how to go about telling her... Link to comment
kellbell Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 Hi there! Maybe you can start by writing down what you would want to say to her. Then practice it a little or you can run it by your MFT and see what you guys can up with together. But I really think you need to sit down and talk with her and tell her you don't think it is a good idea to see her, that it hurts you, and that you still care about her but you need this time for yourself to heal and figure out what you need to do. Link to comment
bsp_kjm Posted November 30, 2005 Author Share Posted November 30, 2005 well she called and i picked up and pretty much told her that i still love her and want to be with her, but that i just dont think its good to be friends and to have contact. She got very hurt and mad and was like, "I cant believe I'm losing a friend." I told her that I still want her in my life, but just being friends hurts me and she has to understand. She first said "fine, I understand, I'll honor your wishes, but I'm still gonna email and txt you." I told her no contact at all, so she got very mad and told me to just cut all ties with her for good and there would be no chance of us getting together ever again if I do it. Then she said, "Now we're back at square 1! gawd and I thought things were getting better!" then she hung up on me. now I feel worse Link to comment
kellbell Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 Oh my, I am SO sorry for what just happened. But until she says to you I care about you, I am serious about working things out, I want to be with you and not just be friends. Then everything else is just nonsense. Why does everything has to be on her terms? (((hugs))) I am so sorry about everything. Link to comment
bsp_kjm Posted December 1, 2005 Author Share Posted December 1, 2005 Oh my, I am SO sorry for what just happened. But until she says to you I care about you, I am serious about working things out, I want to be with you and not just be friends. Then everything else is just nonsense. Why does everything has to be on her terms? (((hugs))) I am so sorry about everything. thanks for stickin with me on this one, kellbell. yeah, i dunno what to do, guess just ride it out, live each day as it happens and see what comes of this... Link to comment
bsp_kjm Posted December 2, 2005 Author Share Posted December 2, 2005 wow things are just getting weirder... i was keeping NC yesterday, got an email from her telling me to please call her, she's sorry for how much she's hurt me, and she loves me and misses me with all of her heart. Then she called 3 times throughout the day. Then I was online around midnite, she left me another email telling me to turn on my cell phone. I turned it on and got a voicemail telling me that she might come down this weekend from school and wanted to go out for dinner, a movie, and a couple drinks. She said "I love you so much and miss you so bad, please talk to me," several times throughout the voicemail. She then brought up an old memory from about a year ago when we went to dinner and a movie and we got soaked because a storm rolled in and ruined our fancy clothes. She told me how mad she was that night but that she didnt say anything because she loved me and didnt want to hurt my feelings. Then she talked about one of our past "sexual experiences" and how good it was and how much she misses it and maybe something can happen this weekend if we go on the date. Then she suddenly sounded very mad and said, "fine, if you dont wanna talk to me, at least have the courtesy to pick up and tell me!" then she hung up. I'm flippin out here. Its almost as if NC is starting to get to her, drive her a bit more krazy, or she was just having a very lonely night and wanted some attention. More NC today Link to comment
kellbell Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 Hey there! Hugs to you today. Well, I will say it again, until she stops making this about her, the rest is nonsense. She keeps reminising about your past and all the good times you shared, etc. But what does that have to do with you guys trying to work stuff out and thinking about the future. Why can't she just respect your space and let you get on with your life? The only reason why she is saying she is sorry, talking about old times, and that she loves you because you not feeding into her ego. But if you carried on like you did Thanksgiving weekend, then she would carry on like nothing happened and continue to torture you. I think you are doing the right thing. I am so sorry you are hurting. Try to hang in there. 1 Link to comment
kellbell Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 Hey bsp_kjm, I was just looking over your very first post on the 6th of November and what your ex did to you. I am not going to delve into what you wrote but just keep in mind all those things she did and said to you when she keeps calling you and telling you she loves you. You have talked to her, you talked to her the other day about wanting your space and need time. You deserve so much better than that, someone who is honest and respects you. Take care, okay? Link to comment
bsp_kjm Posted December 2, 2005 Author Share Posted December 2, 2005 thanks kellbell. like u suggested, im taking everything she says as BS until she finally tells me "lets work things out." but at the same time, like u mentioned, I really need to think about what she did to me, the lies she told me, and the secrets she kept. do i even want to take her back? yes, but at the same time, i may be only hurting myself further by taking her back. i would never trust her again or see her the same way. a lot to ponder on. and again, i want to thank you for helping me through all this. it means so much to me!!! Link to comment
kellbell Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 No problem. Hang in there. I am sure the MFT will help you tremendously. Be honest with her during your sessions. It might be a good idea to start a journal if you have not already. Take very good care my friend. One day at a time. Link to comment
WArrior458 Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 wow what a story , hope everything works out for you.. just remember if she really wants to be in a relationship with you she will mention ''let's work things out'' i beleve when someone says ''i am to busy'' is a lie .. there is always time for everything, why u think god created,phones, emails, txt messaging,well my point is is someone really loves you they will give u the time of day and also being in a relationship doesn'tmean you have to be with that person everyday or talk to them every hour. a '' goodnite txt or i miss u txt once a day is better than nothing'' to be honest iam going through the same thing with an ex.. but there comes a point when ''enough is enough'' good luck Link to comment
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