she died, but why am i not upset?

[steff]

ok, as you know, my grandmother had been suffering with cancer for the past year, and last friday was put in palliative care. early yesterday evening she died, yesterday i was crying and was upset, but not as much as i would have hoped to be.

 

today i havent even cried once. i can say it to myself and i just dont cry, and i just dont understand whats happening... i know i said a while ago that i didnt want to cry and upset my dad, but its strange that im not having to force myself not to cry.

 

do you think that on friday which is when the funeral is that it will hit me and i will just cry then???? when opa died earlier this year, the whole time for like a month later i was numb and crying the whole time. why isnt it the same??? i feel guilty and bad.

 

is there something wrong, am i just a bad granddaughter.

[ang3l2004]

I cant say because I dont know how you honestly feel inside but I can tell you that it will most likely hit you when you go, That is a hard time for everyone,I wish you and your family the best and I am sorry that this happened to you, If you need to talk just pm me

[BCBoy81]

Been there. When my grampa died.... we all saw it coming. He'd been in a home, then in a hospital for the last four years. In my eyes, it felt more like a blessing. I'd refused to go see him during his last days, but my mother forced me. Personally, I'd rather have had my last memories of my grandfather being the happy, proud, well respected man that he was - as opposed to being the emaciated skeleton that was lying in a diaper.

 

Some people don't understand, but those of us that can accept death as a fact of life just deal with it better! You'll show grief in your own time and your own way. When you see it coming though, like in both our cases.... you deal with it before the actual event.

 

Sunrise.... Sunset.

 

To live is to die, To Die is to awaken.

 

Que cera, cera

 

And so forth and so on.

 

 

My condolences on the passing of your grandmother.

[Kitz]

I went through exactly the same thing; my grandmother lived with me and everything, got bone cancer, went into pallative care etc and ended up dying..

 

I only cried once; at the funeral a week later, and even then it wasn't a cry, just a few tears. It was weird.. I felt like a biz atch, the only person not crying... but what BCBoy81 said pretty much sums it up perfectly I think; how some people can just accept death as a fact of life and if you can see it coming, you can deal with it before the actual event.

 

You are in no way a bad grand-daughter!!!

[lillady898]

Sometimes if you know that someone you care about is suffering through an illness, death is almost a releif. My grandfather went through something similar. And I knew that's how he never wanted to live- in pain and unable to move without assistance. The only three times I shed a tear was when I first found out he was sick, at the viewing, and at the funeral. I was sad he was gone, of course, but I had already dealt with the issue that he was likely to die when he was at the hospital and knew this was the only way he'd find releif.

 

Nothing is wrong with you. People cope in different ways. I'm very sorry for your loss.

[WildChild]

I'm sorry Steff about your Grandmother There is nothing wrong with you. Like I posted in your thread last week, people grieve in different ways. When you see someone you love suffer so much it can be a blessing for them to pass just to end the suffering. You may subconsciously have been preparing yourself for this day because she has been so sick for so long.

[minnie]

My grandma died a year ago (cancer). She had always said dont cry for her, she never did. When any family members would see her they would leave the room if they felt they wanted to cry so we wouldnt upset her ( i think she knew anyway) I was really strong, i accept what she had said and i didn't cry. It alll seemed surreal. But when the priest cam and gave her last rites it hit me. I couldn't believe what was happening - i broke down.

A few days later she died - i cried, then i stopped. i felt the same as you.

 

At the funeral you probably will ball your eyes out, cuz i did but only when i saw her.

 

Its after the funeral when you start to realise they are not around - something happened in my family, its was quite funny and i picked up the phone tell my nan!!!!! It was so weird - I broke down

 

I love my nan more than anything in this world, more than myself sometimes, and i know you do to.

 

Everyone grieves differently, i thought when my nan dies, the world will end for me i never thought i would be able to cope or move on but you do - slowly

[avman]

People grieve in many different ways. You may be a bit in shock about it and it might hit you later.

 

Do not feel guilty at all. Your feelings are your feelings and you can't help how you react to something like this. You are not a bad granddaughter and just because it hasn't hit you yet does NOT mean you didn't love your grandmother.

 

Stick close to your family and grieve together. It helps, it really does.

[Dako]

Please don't torture yourself over it. Use your gift of composure to help your family. Crying isn't a display to prove anything. There's more to grief than sobbing and filling tissues, and we all express ourselves differently.

 

Maybe the funeral will set you off. Memorial services often unleash memories and emotions that haven't surfaced for years.

 

I've lost a number of friends over the past few years and attended many funerals. One friend of mine in his eighties has cried so much he no longer can cry. He told me it's a blessing when he needs to help others in a crisis. I watched him at his lovely wife's funeral as I cried my eyes out. He didn't shed a tear despite his pain.

[MissJones]

Everyone grieves in different ways. When my grandmother died, I felt an enormous sense of relief that she wasn't suffering anymore. My emotions almost went into auto-pilot and I subconsciously took on the role of the strong one for my mum, who was heartbroken when she died. It didn't sink in straight away and it wasn't until I attended her funeral that I became extremely upset. I miss her terribly still but grief does funny things to people. You don't have to be an inconsolable, blubbering mess to be grieving, so don't feel guilty or weird if you haven't cried yet.

[Tigris]

I'm sorry about your loss!

 

When someone dies in my family I have to put my feelings on hold They have to be put aside because the job of organising funerals has been on my shoulders since the age of 25! My Father and Mother are both only children and my father had suffered strokes and can't deal with these situations.

 

I discovered that I bottled my feelings up so well that my grief didn't surface for months. Unfortunately, on one occasion I ended up on depression medication but what did I expect when my paternal grandparents who I was the closest to died a fortnight apart when I was 25. My Grandfather's death was expected, but my Nanna died of a heart attack and I found her!

 

Everyone deals with grief in a differently. There is no right or wrong way! When someone has an illness that goes on for years the relatives may cry on and off over that period of time, thereforeeee, they may have already done their grieving.

[darkblue]

I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother, but you are not 'abnormal' in how you are dealing with it.

The fact that it was a long-term illness may have partly helped you grieve - you knew she was dying, and were resigned to it.

 

Do not beat yourself up for not being able to cry.

I couldn't at my own father's funeral.

 

We all grieve in different ways.

[Serendipity1607307077]

Steff, I know where you are coming from...

When my stepdad died, he was in a hospital with my mother at his side, in a hospital over 2800kms away from me (Perth Royal). I had a gut feeling while I was at school that he had gone, came home and my grandparents (who were looking after us) told me the news... I cried the once, then couldn't cry any more.

 

I believe that this is because you go into shock, and denial.. it doesn't feel real, and you don't really want to believe that it's true... and it takes a while for your real feelings to sink in.

 

It's very painful, and takes a while to pass... but it will, just remember the good times you shared, never dwell on any bad, and remember her as the strong, loving person you knew and cherished.

 

*BIIG HUG*