Shy or Not Interested?

[seekinghappYness]

Ok.. so I kind of have a problem.

 

I have been friends with this guy for quite a while so we started dating. But boy does he like to play mind games with me. I write to him a lot, but it always takes him a few days to respond. He sent me an email that he has a hard time expressing himself. He has never called me, I always have to call him. He sent me another email that I am a real find, really cute, and he likes a lot of things about me. He goes on and tells me he will buy me whatever I want just ask for it. And he will call me today. So I wrote back to him thats nice but I only want to spend time with you. But He never called me today. Is he really scared to talk to me, or not interested??? Im upset and so confused. #-o

[Tigris]

If you're finding it difficult to understand him now then I don't think you have much hope for the future!

 

I have a friend who's X was exactly like him and she never knew where she stood. She loved him but he just used her for what he could get. Plus he was always using mind games.

 

We can advise you all we can but in the end the final decision is upto you. Think about how you would feel if you had to endure this sort of behaviour for years?

 

Good luck and take care.

[ShySoul]

He honestly could be really really shy. Or he could be playing games. It's hard to tell.

 

When he is around you, how does he treat you? Is there anything about him that you know, his personality or past experiences, that could help you decide the kind of guy he is?

 

The final choice is up to you. Look at his overall actions. Do you get the sense that he really does care about you? Or do you not pick that up from him. Follow your heart and your intuition.

[swtpea1221]

Wow, I've recently had the same problem!! At least your guy told you his feelings. That's good. But the fact that he doesn't follow through on things shows that he is not making you enough of a priority (the whole "actions speak louder than words" thing). Don't completely write the guy off -it seems like he genuinely does have feelings for you, however, it also looks like he's not ready for a relationship right now. This doesn't mean he's a bad guy - it just means that he has other things going on his personal life to straighten out before he can focus clearly on you.

 

Think of it this way - if he can't make time for you now, chances are he won't make enough time for you in a relationship. Just let him go for now - that's my advice. Stay friends and communicate. Don't give up hope, but don't sweat this situation. Regardless of whether you are supposed to be with him or not, you deserve to be treated better ALL THE TIME, no matter how much he says he likes you.

 

So don't get discouraged. I've recently had the same thing happen to me and felt like crap for a while, but then I realized that I'm worth feeling special, and perhaps the person that should most make you feel special is yourself (and God if you are religious)

[seekinghappYness]

Yeah, he always says he is busy and has school and stuff. When he is around me he is very shy, dosen't make eye contact, and blushes. All I really asked him for was to spend some time with me... He can't seriously be that busy. I thought he wasn't interested in me but then he sent me a letter that he was, but I guess he wasn't really being sincere. He is so hard to figure out and its really hard to know where we stand b/c of the mixed signals he always gives. Anyway I think I have been suffering from his mind games for a while now... and its really hurting me so I have finally decided to stop thinking about him and find somebody who is more sincere and a lot more honest. Thanks every1 for your help!!!~

[ShySoul]

Does he have much experience with relationships? Cause if he doesn't, that combined with his shyness could be causing him to pull back in fear. He doesn't know what to do and is afriad that when he does do something he'll mess it up. So he lets the fear get the better of him and doesn't do anything. It isn't fair to you, I know. But it is understandable if that is his situation.

[Belle]

Seeking,

 

Your type of shy guy, imo, is probably the worst. There are a lot of shy people (supposedly 50% of the American culture) that find it difficult to break the ice with their romantic interest. Then there is another creature known as the emotionally unavailable shy guy. I think he does wnat to see you but making a relationship happen will be like PULLING TEETH. You will have to do all of the work, initiate things and will never know where you stand. It's his way of having the upper hand. They're also moody and socially inept. If you date one, you very well may be cut off from your friends because he's not comfortable with them.

 

If I were you I'd cut my losses. That kind of a shy guy tends to be super self centered and a total drain. If he can't grow up enough to learn how to ask a girl out when he's already expressed interest, what good will he be in a relationship? Seriously???

 

Best of luck,

 

Belle

[ShySoul]

Your type of shy guy, imo, is probably the worst...If I were you I'd cut my losses. That kind of a shy guy tends to be super self centered and a total drain. If he can't grow up enough to learn how to ask a girl out when he's already expressed interest, what good will he be in a relationship? Seriously???

 

Well, seeing how I sympathise with this guy and know what its like to be the guy who is scared to make a move, I'll have to disagree. I was scared to make phone calls, not the most social of persons, and really shy about expressing my interest. But I wasn't any of the other things. I was far from self centered, in fact most of the conversations were about her and I was always trying to help and comfort her. I wasn't a drain, I usually have a very light hearted attitude. I didn't cut her off from her friends, I actually hung out with a couple of them. And once I was comfortable, I was the one trying to initate things. Interestingly, she was the one who pulled back.

 

Yes, guys will use it as means of control. But thats not most guys, especially not shy guys. For the shy guys, once they feel comfortable they tend to open up tremendously. It just takes time. And once they do, they'll give you the world.

[Belle]

Shysoul,

 

Somehow I didn't expect any of the shy guys to jump on the bandwagon and admit self centeredness. For the record, I didn't say all shy guys were self centered. I said this guy sounds like one of the worst kind. I actually am drawn to shy guys too, but not so introverted that they can't participate. I've dated guys like that and they're worse than a self centered extrovert. At least you know where you stand with that personality.

[ShySoul]

Somehow I didn't expect any of the shy guys to jump on the bandwagon and admit self centeredness. For the record, I didn't say all shy guys were self centered. I said this guy sounds like one of the worst kind. I actually am drawn to shy guys too, but not so introverted that they can't participate. I've dated guys like that and they're worse than a self centered extrovert. At least you know where you stand with that personality.

 

Nothing in the original post was an indicator of self centerness. He may very well be an extremely shy person who is afraid of getting close and of opening himself up. It isn't about jumping on a bandwagon, its about objectively looking at what we know of him. And we don't know enough about him to make a judgment one way or the other.

 

He is particpating in his way. He's complimented her, he's sent her notes saying how he feels. He's been honest in saying how hard it is for him (and we don't have any concrete evidence to discredit that).

 

You know where you stand with a shy guy, it's just not in the in-your-face, blunt way of a self centered extrovery. For a shy guy it is in the subtle clues. You have to look at the overall picture. Ok, he doesn't really call. But does he try to communicate in otherwise? Does he chat online with you regularly? Like, everytime possible? When he does talk to you - online, on the phone, or in person - how does he act? If he is self centered the conversation would revolve around him. Or does he focus the conversation on the other person. If anything a shy person doesn't like to talk about themselves, they feel self conscious about it. So they'll talk about something else. Does the guy do other little things. Does he look at you special? Does he get a special smile when looking at you? Can you sense what he is feeling in his eyes, in his voice? When you need him most, can you count on him? When you are feeling down, can you count on him to be supportive, a shoulder to cry on? Shy guys might not be comfortable with things like phone calls or knowing how to plan a huge date (why would they, there very personality is one that gets uncomfortable with stuff like that). But they know what really matters.

 

My point is that we don't know this guy and can't say for certain what he is thinking. He may be self centered, he may not be. It may be all games, it may be genuine fear. seekinghappYness, take a look at the larger picture, at every action. And if he hasn't had much in the way of relationships, then all of it can seem very overwhelming and he may not know what to do about certain things. Or he could know, but be afraid. I could be entirely wrong about, but its only fair to consider these possibilities. And if this is the case, he shouldn't be dropped cause of what he is uncomfortable with if he is geat in so many other ways.

[Belle]

Nothing in the original post was an indicator of self centerness. He may very well be an extremely shy person who is afraid of getting close and of opening himself up. It isn't about jumping on a bandwagon, its about objectively looking at what we know of him.

 

This is as far as I needed to read. I was responding to the original poster in my first email. It was not an open invitation to argument. In my opinion, the original poster did give information that lead me to the conclusion that he's a bit self centered. And you throwing the word objective in there doesn't make your opinion any more valid. Please do find someone else to argue with.

[ShySoul]

Not trying to start an argument, just voicing my opinion on what I thought was an unfounded conclusion. You can say what you want, I'll say what I want. Everyone can voice my opinion.

 

I was just trying to help seekinghappYness consider an alternative view. And since the guy in question seems like me in many ways, I think my opinion is something to be considered. Belle, I'm sorry that you found a guy who was like that. But do not automatically assume that another guy is like that without concrete proof. You said yourself that you didn't need or want to read beyond the first few sentences of my post. How can you assume I was trying to start an argument if you won't acknowledge everything that I said?

 

Belle, I wish you the best, really I do. And seekinghappyness, consider all options and then follow your heart.

[b-ion]

the best advice to you is to be really patient with him. When you first mentioned what kind of person he was i thought you were referring to me. I've had my share of panic attacks and blushing in my day. I'm fairly old and know how it feels but it's probably gonna take some self confidence on his part and help from a psychiotrist or something else. To be truthful, you being there is probably the best thing to happen to him. He just doesn't know how to adjust to it because it seems so different. I'd suggest to you that you should spend some time with him in a remote location with fairly no people around and talk to him that way.

[seekinghappYness]

Whoah!!! ok I haven't posted in this thread in a while.. I'm sorry it turned out to be so controversial. But in the mean time I have done some work to get to know this guy and his intentions and I really wanted to figure out if he was really shy or not so I figured I go to his work and go talk to him. This is what happened!!!!! I went over to his work and saw him working all alone. He was scared of seeing me so went and hid in a back room. I literally looked in every row but could not find him. So I decided to hang around until he came back out because I wasn't giving up. So about a half hour later.. he was actually sitting on the floor talking to a customer. He was trying to hide from me b/c he was letting his shyness get to him and then I knew he was afraid. Anyway I knew what I needed to do so I did it. I went and told him that I wanted to hang out with him again and I wanted him to call me tonight. I complimented him on a few things and tryed to make him feel better. Anyway he really surprised me because he called me back after he got home from his work and actually carried a pretty good convo with me. He called back on the phone and told me that he wanted us to be boyfriend and girlfriend for real and we are going to hang out this week. So I was very impressed with his confidence boost. I really always have liked this guy and knew he could open up to me. Sometimes with shy people it just takes a little bit of time and patience is needed. Never give up though.. B/c I think I really met a difficult challenge that took a while but it finally happened.

 

Anyway from reading this thread I want to thank all of you for responding.. particularly ShySoul, you made me realize more about what I could do and what options I had and by reading your experiences you seemed to relate pretty well to him. You were right when you wrote that it takes time and when they are comfortable they will give you the world. -- I really hope everything works out for you and b-ion and anyone who struggles with shyness. Thank you!!! You guys Rock!!

[ShySoul]

 

 

Whoo!!!!! You go seekinghappYness!!!

 

I'm glad that things are going good for you know. You handled things perfectly, just like every shy guy dreams a girl would. Shy guys have so much going for them, they tend to be the kind of guys girls always say they want. But they often have to see that in themselves and it can take time to get there. Same with guys dealing with shy girls.

 

b-ion, that was great advice as well.

 

Again, congrats seekinghappYness.... here's to a great relationship!

[b-ion]

I'm happy that you hang on and stood your ground seekinghappyness. For you to be waiting half hour probably gave him the impression that you really wanted to be with him. That was great courage on your part, i know that he's thankful for everything you've done. As time goes by you'll find everything that your looking for, time will bring you to closer. Shysoul good debating on your part, your advice was really great.

 

I know that being shy is a struggle but i'd rather be hated for being me than liked for being someone else.

[MetallicAguy]

He's shy and is sick with the "nice guy syndrome" hence why he said "I'll buy you whatever you want". Hope that answers your question.

[seekinghappYness]

Yeah things are going great now~!!!