Back from the ex gf's house RE: Is tonight the night?? (LONG POST)

[Jjasonn28]

Hello.

 

Ok, I am back from my visit to the ex gf's house. If you arent familiar, you can read the thread, 'Is tonight the night?' Its a long post, I apologize. But I dont want to leave out too many details. I could use a few good opinions...

 

Well, things didn't go the way I prepared myself for them to go. I was expecting the worse. Expecting her to have a box of my stuff packed at the door, and to hear her say that she wished she never met me...

 

Nope. None of that. When she answered the door, the first thing she did was give me a hug. Not a prolonged embrace, but not a 'friendly' hug either. I could tell she was nervous, as was I. So I go in, and she had prepared a nice Lasagna dinner, and had a bottle of wine. (She is a chef amongst other things.) So, we sat down at the dinner table, and enjoyed a fairly quiet dinner together. (Her roommate was still home at this time.)

 

After dinner, and after her roommate left, there was about a minute of awkward silence. She say, 'sooooo'. And I just smiled, and responded, "so?" She asked if I wanted to watch a movie. I agreed, (still super confused as to why she wanted me there exactly) and we sat down on the couch to watch 'Elf'.

 

After about 5 minutes, she scooted over to me, and put her arm around me. Now, by this time I had enough. I was done with not knowing. So asked, "what am I doing here?". She looked at me, and her eyes filled with tears, and she said she didn't know. She said that she had hoped we would get together, and come to some sort of final conclusion of our relationship, but when she saw me, everything came back..

 

Now I am proud of myself. We began to talk, and not ONCE did I let my emotions overwhelm me. She apologized for saying that she never loved me. She admitted that she is confused. She is not happy, but she is not ready to walk away from me. In her other relationships, when she walked, she RAN. She also admitted that she has a problem with accepting love, and intimacy. She is shielded and reserved. I confess my faults, (too passive, afraid to speak my mind in fear of pushing people away.... etc..)

 

We continue our talk, and I told her that if its time and space she wants, just say the word. And I will make it easier for her, and I will walk away. (I was fully expecting to hear her say that this is a good idea.) But to my surprise, she said no. She wants to keep the lines of communication open. Ever since we had our first talk almost two weeks ago, our honesty has proven to be beneficial. She wants to keep getting together, and talking about us, and the future, to mutually come to some sort of an agreement. She doesnt want to walk away from eachother in haste. She also thinks that we should both see councellors. Her for her fear of commitment to intimacy, accepting love, and as for I, to perhaps gain a perspective as to why I just wont say whats on my mind. Also, she is open to seeing relationship specialists together. Not as a way to 'fix whats wrong' but for us to gain tools to 'build stronger bridges'

 

Her words were that she isn't ready to say no, we are over, or yes, we are back together. She wants to try to get to know eachother again, and continue our communication.

 

This is unreal. She NEVER ceases to amaze me. In all my past relationships, when she says something like, I think I want to be alone... that usually has meant ITS OVER, and I have been left scratching my head, alone, and empty. But for Jen, (current ex) to approach me like this, admit her problems, point out mine, and want to continue talking, INSTEAD of just turning it off, and leaving me high and dry.... I have even more respect for her.

 

So how do I approach these coming weeks/months. She proposed seeing me next sunday night. I want to become more involved in her life, and have her become more involved in mine. Not just be a part of eachothers lives, but to be involved. She suggested reading the same book, and talking about it. (She is currently an english/communications major). I want to show her that there is absolutely NO reason to stop believing in us. I want to make her happy for the rest of my life.

 

How would you approach this??

 

JP

[DN]

With caution - she has put you in limbo and you should not allow her so much control. I would say to her that you will go along with what she suggests but for one month only and at that time you should mutually decide whether to make the relationship work or part.

 

Guard your heart here, I think you could easily get hurt. Don't be quite so passive, you will get more respect if you take back some control.

[heloladies21]

I only want the best for you friend, but this method won't work. You will be giving her the emotional support while she's "making up her mind" until she finally decides to drop you completely. Either you work at getting back together officially or drop her, nothing in between. This "let's just be friends" for now limbo will go nowhere and only lead to your pain.

[Hawk]

It's like she's trying to come down from you slowly, allowing herself the emotional support that she needs to back out once and for all.

[patience]

how long are you willing to work on things for?

are you prepared for this to take months, years even?

 

I don't suggest commiting to a commitment phobic person...because that will be a one-way commitment I'm afraid.

[ehm doubleyou]

Jjasonn28....This is a big mistake that is gonna cost you more emotional strain....what heloladies21 said...

You will be giving her the emotional support while she's "making up her mind" until she finally decides to drop you completely

 

This is so true and this is what is happening to me right now....I am in the same situation....IT DOES NOT WORK ...I am in more pain now than ever....Unless you both see a relationship councellor right now to deal with this, then I would have to say separate from eachother and committ to the n/c until she makes up her mind.

 

mw

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

You have given her waaaay to much control over this. So you are going wallow in limbo while she "figures things out?" It's one thing to give her space but it's another to be her doormat. I would try to do things for yourself, work out, hang with friends, eat better, rediscover your hobbies, etc. You may feel differently later. Take care and wishing you all the best.