The Ex confuses me

[heartbroken84]

Last Tuesday I met my ex for dinner and I asked for a 2nd chance. He said he needs time to think about it. I asked if he had a time frame..and he said okay give me a week..no promises.

 

Last night (the next Tuesday) he calls...asks me how I am doing, he knows I have midterms...we talk for like 20 minutes--it was good, we joke, laugh, and then he says he is tired and says: bye Kacy (my name)..

 

I am just tired of his indirect ways of telling me It hurts, he knows how much I would like a chance to show my love for him. And I still have feelings. And I have realized I can't be just friends with him right now. Unless there is potential for a relationship, I don't want to be just a friend...

 

I'm tired of being strung along. I love him, but if he doesn't love me enough, why should I bother. It sucks cause I wish we could be friends, but I see him differently, we have a history, and the feelings are so fresh. And by talking to him I create this false hope. It's sad to know that he can be friends with me, and that he has no feelings and no love for me...even after 2 years.

 

I guess I wanted a second chance so bad, he knows it, and I can't deal with not getting it. So I just have to cut him off for now, as hard as it sounds. I only want him back in my life only if we were to work things out. And by being friends I realize how I can't move on...this is tough.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

I am so sorry about what you have been through. It has been a rough ride. I have been following your posts. Something you wrote in your post caughy my eye, "I'm tired of being strung along." Then don't, you can stop this, put your foot down and end this now. You have the power. This guy is totally oblivous over what he is putting you through and you are torturing yourself slowly by hanging on for an answer. Actions speak louder than words, if he REALLY wanted to be with you, he would not do this. You deserve so much better than this. You have been through a lot, time to take care of you and what you want out of life. I know it's hard but this guy is just stringing you along. Be kind to yourself. Take care and hugs to you.

[heartbroken84]

Kellbell,

 

I know I can cut him off. But something won't let me...psychologically I want to be friends, I'm afraird that he'll forget me, or think I hate him. Everyone tells me not to fret, who cares, and he probably doesn't care. It won't matter whether we be friends or not friends. He's just trying to be the nice guy.

 

I guess I feel like I do deserve a second chance or at least telling him that love is about seeing your partner and helping partner get through the stages of life. No one is perfect. I was going through a stage of depression when he fell out of love with me. I think it's sad, that all he wants is to have fun...sad that there was a time frame of how much he could love me and be there for me..

 

Anyways, yeah this is sad. I'm torturing myself.

[nadine_3110]

heartbroken84,

I'm going through a similar situation, it's scary how much are situations resemble each other. My ex just wanted to have fun too, we rarely talked about any serious issues and every time I'd try to bring up our feelings he'd change the subject. I was too 'boring' for him. I think you deserve a second chance, but he's not giving it to you. Just be patient, do the 'No Contact' thing everyone always talks about, it just might make him realize how much he misses you, how much he wants you back. I'm not saying he'll for sure take you back, it's just a possibility you might want to consider.

 

P.S. I find that writing my feelings down helps me analyze them and get them sorted out.

[heartbroken84]

You know what I think I really am battling---TIME.

 

As much as I want to get back with him, he's still in this party, have fun stage. And it takes some people a lot of time to get out of that stage, some never do. It is also something that I feel like I won't regret, I am just not the party girl type. Partying is not something I will regret.

 

Anyways, guess I'm trying so hard now is cause I miss him, yeah. But if we got back, what would be different. Maybe I am more mature and reflected..but what does he have to bring in order to make this a healthy relationship? Nothing, we're both 21, just about to graduate, and our love isn't that strong.

 

I want him now, I am so impatient. But if it's in the cards we'll meet in the future. Wouldn't that be better anyways, after he has had all these experiences. My worries are the what if's--what if he gets in another relationship? What if I don't show him how sorry I am now, or how much I love him always? But it's hard to tell youself, time will heal and time will tell. And in my case we're talking 5 years minimum, cause he's so young. We both need to experience life on our own. So easy to say, must hammer it in everyday til it becomes a part of me.

 

Sorry I'm just reflecting and ranting, this is a good place for support.

[Beec]

Ladies, you are confronting a few basic issues. There is an old saying that we want what we cannot have. The opposite often holds true, we don't want something we can can have it easily. If you let him know that you want him, then he thinks that he can go out have his fun, do what he wants for a while, then come back to you when he is ready. Telling someone you want them in a relationship is the way of telling them you are there, when and if they want you. It's also the most direct apporach possible.

 

Finally, I know you have feelings, but my question would be why should he want you because of how you feel? He is going to want you because of how he feels. Work on how he feels, and maybe he will want you.

[nadine_3110]

Alright, you say work on how he feels, how do you do that? What does that mean? Shouldn't you just concentrate on keeping busy, improving yourself and thinking about him less and less? Because you can't really work on someone else's feelings, maybe I just misunderstood what you said.

[redandblack]

It's tough, I know. I feel really bad for you, because I know exactly how you feel.

 

The breaking point for me was realizing that I really can't control anything. I've never tried to control anything and it makes sense why trying to control the breakup wasn't working either.

 

I value my friendship with my ex-girlfriend, but if she doesn't want a relationship with me, I will find other people and become friends with her when I am ready. This could me months, years or never!

 

Let your emotions out. Find friends to listen. Watch funny movies and laugh. Let everything pass through you, it WILL get better with time.

 

Take care and you can PM me if you just want an ear

[selfi]

my situation is v.similar as well, the ex makes so much contact with me, yet my motivations behind staying his friend, supporting him etc is so that he will come round, and give us another chance. i also cant be just his friend-the love is too strong on my behalf.

 

i too, wonder if he is oblivious to the fact that every time he calls me by the pet name he gave me, buys me gifts, texts me goodnight, if he knows that im not interpreting this as friendship behaviour, but as hope for us together again.

 

i hate knowing that all this hope im having right now, could be meaningless. NC is the only option for us right now.

[Hawk]

All those little signs we hang on because it gives us hope that we can get back together, but we interpret things into that just aren't there. I take whatever snippet that I can get and hope that it means something. What helps to acknowledge is that your ex doesn't mean anything by it - if only knew how it screws around with your head.

[heartbroken84]

So should I tell him that saying those things screws with my head? or should I just tell him: hey, if theres no potential for us to get back together then we can't be just friends right now (until the feelings subside)? or should I cut it off, or should I just take whatever he says with a grain of salt and not think anything of it unless or just cut it off and forget..or just take everything he says with a grain of salt and think nothing of it until he says: hey, I thought about it, lets work it out..or just cut him out of my life and begin NC.

[selfi]

well heartbroken, what i decided to do, is take his affectionate behaviour with a grain of salt, until he says he wants to try it again.

but saying this, i have given myself a time limit of about 2 more months when ill say, 'listen here, from now on you no longer have my friendship, youve knowilngly strung me along, and im putting an end to it. have a nice life'.

 

in my case though, i have to stop responding so keenly to his cutsey gestures, which is about as easy as sleeping on a bed of nails for me right now. this man knows exactly how i feel, and is the king of contradictions.

 

Dont cut him out of your life completely, you need to show him a very subtle balance that you are still a happy attractive girl on your own, and that signs that your interested in him. but then again it depends on how he is treating you right now, coz if he has moved on with another girl, or is verbally rude to you, ignore what i just suggested!

[Beec]

One can of course influence how another person feels. We all do this all the time. In these cases, you would be trying to seduce the guy, not just trying to get sx, no sex need occur. You would be trying to get him to want what you want. And we all do this all the time, we all manipulate. Mysuggestion would be for you to look at how you want to influence his feelings, look at how he feels right now, and figure out how to get him from feeling as he does to feeling as you want him to feel. Jjust telling him how you feel is probably counter-productive.

 

In your immediate futures I would stop doing what you have been doing. I mght be friendly, but I would not be available to him as a gf, if he wants one. I might date others, which could be a good thing to do. I migiht reduce the amount of contact you have with him, and treat him as nothing more than an old friend. I would do what worked or what I thought might work.

[redandblack]

Hello heartbroken,

 

I think you need to do all three of the things you said. If you're going to tell him that you're going on NC, you should tell him briefly and tactly that if you're ever going to be friends he can't say things like that. It screws with your head and it's not fair to you.

 

During the no contact, don't talk to him at all. Don't respond to emails, IMs or phone calls. It will be hard at first but it will definitely get easier with time. Stay strong and don't contact until YOU are beyond ready emotionally. If you can't stand the idea of your ex being with someone else, you probably aren't ready. Remember, NC is for you and nobody else.

 

Also, if you do decide to talk to him after the NC has worked it's 'magic', you need to not care about what he says. If he tries to "string you along" it won't matter because you will have other guys in your life at this point (nothing serious, but just for fun dates and what not).

 

If you're going to be friends, don't treat your ex different from any of your friends. If your ex wants back with you, he will let you know. But at that point, will you even want him back??? (you say yes now, but in three or four weeks of no contact you'll probably begin to see where I'm coming from).

 

Take it easy