ladies - setting our sexual boundaries when we date (guys answer too)

[teacup]

hi ladies,

i thought it would be important to have a discussion about this. this is something that we are all faced with as we are dating. guys and men that want sex! it can be unnerving and uncomfortable and confusing to know what to do in the face of pressure, desire, hormones, lust, temptation and hints.

 

what do we do when a guy says "i want to have sex with you?" what do we do when he says "you have a nice body?" what do you do when you're making out and when do you put the breaks on? how do you make sure to take it slow?

 

how do you make sure that you enjoy yourself but dont give it away? and how do you make sure you dont have sex before getting commitment and a relationship? how do you make sure of his intentions? and how do you know whether he is being honest about them?

 

how do we set our sexual boundaries and stick very close to them? what rules should we make and stick to? it gets harder and harder but as females it's especially important! how many females have been hurt, used, abused, and dumped after sex or sexual favors?

 

we must redefine and discuss our standards.

 

let's discuss this.....and guys, if you have some good input plz add!

[annie24]

Tell them in advance something like, "While I'm not a prude, I want to wait to have sex until I've been in a relationship with a man for a few months." (Or something like that, whatever your feelings are on the topic of sex and dating.) If he respects you, he'll wait. If he leaves, then oh well, better off without him.

[kellbell]

Hi teacup,

 

"what do we do when a guy says "i want to have sex with you?" what do we do when he says "you have a nice body?" what do you do when you're making out and when do you put the breaks on? how do you make sure to take it slow?"

 

Well, I hate to break it to you but men love to have sex, it's always on their mind, and along with beer, food and sports, they are happy. They are very simple creatures. On the otherhand, IMO, women are a little more complex. They tend to pair sex with emotion and it's more mental to us. Like, at least in my experience, if a woman if emotionally and mentally stimulated, then the desire to have sex with the man she is with increases. Of course physical attraction is important, but it's not necassarily the dealbreaker. Men on the other hand are stimulated visually and because of his testosterone, he loves sex and loves to have it. So if a man says you have a nice body, doesn't necessarily mean he is trying to be derogatory, chances are he means it and wouldn't mind hooking up with you. But it depends on a lot of things, like if I am with a man I really dig and attracted to and he compliments my body, I am trilled and a bit turned on by it. But if some random dude comes up and says it, then I may be taken aback by it and brush it off but no respectable man or a man I would want to be with, would do that.

When you are making out with a guy, it's up to you to put the brakes on when you are uncomfortable. Men will keep going if you let them. I had the same thing happen to me, I was with a guy, things got a little steamy and we would have gone all the way if I didn't stop it. We only known each other for a 2 weeks, I was just not ready yet with him. IMO or experience, men seem to be ready all the time.

 

"how do you make sure that you enjoy yourself but dont give it away? and how do you make sure you dont have sex before getting commitment and a relationship? how do you make sure of his intentions? and how do you know whether he is being honest about them?"

 

You enjoy yourself by being with someone you really dig and setting your boundries. If the man you are with pressures you and makes you feel guilty, then he is not worth your time. But in my experience, the guys I have been with were understanding and I didn't give them any mixed messages. To answer your question about having sex before you get into a relationship, well, that varies. You don't have to have sex with the idea of having a committment. You could be dating and not really settled down yet, you can have one night stands with no strings attached. One night stands are not bad. I have had a few and I had a great time because it's what I wanted. It all depends on what you want and what you are comfortable with.

 

"how do we set our sexual boundaries and stick very close to them? what rules should we make and stick to? it gets harder and harder but as females it's especially important! how many females have been hurt, used, abused, and dumped after sex or sexual favors?"

 

You set your boundries by what you want and what you are comfortable with and it all depends on the guy you are with too. I have been on dates with guys where I cringed at the the thought of kissing let alone have sex with so I ended the date with a peck or a hug and that's it. Others, I was like, yikes, I can't keep my hands off him. Chemistry and attraction plays a big role. Women who get dumped after sex or being abused, or used, well, unfortunately, it happens. We can't predict the future or what will happen if we do X or Z. All you can do is try to use your good judgement and your instincts. Women have been blessed with having good instincts, unfortunately, we sometimes ignore them and get burned.

 

Bottom line is...You do what is right for you and feels comfortable for you. And communication is important too. One date I went on, I told him straight up, I don't have sex with men on the first date. (That is my one boundry I will stick with; doesn't matter how hot he is or how attracted I am to him). He dumped me about 2 weeks afterwards. I am better off. I wasn't mean or smug, we got into the conversation on first date on the do's and don'ts and that's how it came up. Plus, as you get older, your sexual boundries change. Like when I was 18, it was different than now, being 29. I think as you get older, you mature and you are able to handle the emotions a bit better. Plus I think older women are not as prone to surcumb to sexual pressure compared to younger women and teenagers. I am not saying it doesn't happen but I am generally speaking.

 

Please note: What I wrote is strictly my experience and observations, I am sure others will have different POV and different perspectives, which is cool. We all different experiences and different takes, especially in this topic.

[novaseeker]

When you are making out with a guy, it's up to you to put the brakes on when you are uncomfortable. Men will keep going if you let them. I had the same thing happen to me, I was with a guy, things got a little steamy and we would have gone all the way if I didn't stop it. We only known each other for a 2 weeks, I was just not ready yet with him. IMO or experience, men seem to be ready all the time.

 

Just one caveat: while agree that most men will go as far as you let them, not all will. Problem is, the ability to not go all the way is tricky for men ... it can easily be read by women as a sign of lack of real interest on the part of the man (ie, 'most guys would have been all over me', etc.), when it may be that he is just exercising control. SO, as in all things, communication is key ... both for the woman in terms of setting her limits, and also for the man, if he has limits of his own he should communicate those rather than simply limiting himself without explaining himself, because that can be mistaken for a sign of lack of passionate interest in the woman.

[kellbell]

Very true, that's why when I wrote my post I tried to choose my words very carefully, tried not generalize or pigeon hole anything. I think I read my post over 3 times before I submited it. Don't want to cause trouble.

[Markers]

Well, I hate to break it to you but men love to have sex, it's always on their mind, and along with beer, food and sports, they are happy. They are very simple creatures. On the otherhand, IMO, women are a little more complex.

 

 

hahahahahaha, that was the most hilarious thing I've heard today. Didn't surprise me this was coming from a woman Obviously some guys are like that, but not all, thank God

 

 

If you keep having problems with people like that, do as kellbell told you. Or simply meet other kind of guys.

[RayKay]

what do we do when a guy says "i want to have sex with you?" what do we do when he says "you have a nice body?" what do you do when you're making out and when do you put the breaks on? how do you make sure to take it slow?

 

Depends how early on in the relationship it is, and how I feel about him, and how I feel about having sex at that point with him. If he just said "I want to have sex with you" I would think he was pretty bad at this relationship thing though, and letting it develop to there! Later on in a relationship if he says "I want to jump your body!" after we have already established a sexual relationship though, thats another thing entirely... If he alludes to it or starts giving signals though that he wants to move there, and I am not ready, but I FEEL it, then I would let him know I am interested too, but that I want to wait and build up the anticipation more, or I tell him I want to wait until we are exclusive - all depends on where I am at that point in my life, and how I feel about him. When he says "you have a nice body" - I say "Thanks! I work hard at it!". When we are making out, if I am into him I hope, and I will be enjoying it! I put the breaks on when I feel it might be going too far for my comfort level or according to what we have discussed, and if he did not respect that, well he would be not around very long!

 

how do you make sure that you enjoy yourself but dont give it away? and how do you make sure you dont have sex before getting commitment and a relationship? how do you make sure of his intentions? and how do you know whether he is being honest about them?

 

Well, I guess that comes to down to respecting yourself and your own beleifs enough to know what your boundaries are and to follow them. You make sure not to have sex until you are ready or want to by sticking to them and making sure you are in a committed relationship (and you find this out by talking to him!) The honesty thing - well, I guess if you don't trust him and have not taken time to build up a relationship with him, then you probably are not with the right person anyway.

 

how do we set our sexual boundaries and stick very close to them? what rules should we make and stick to? it gets harder and harder but as females it's especially important! how many females have been hurt, used, abused, and dumped after sex or sexual favors?

 

You just DO, if you believe in them, you just do.

 

However, everyone's rules are different. What works for you might not work for me, what works for your best friend might not work for you. I can't say I have ever been "hurt and abused" after sexual favours because both of us were going into it with the same expectations, and beliefs and what happened from there was up to BOTH of us.

 

we must redefine and discuss our standards.

 

Well, again, this is something different for everyone. I am not going to impose on someone else what they should do, nor do I want them telling me what I should do. For me it's changed over the years, and for me it has been different in every relationship and every situation. There is no universal standard. The only important thing for me is that both partners are on the same wavelength, communicate and are honest with one another, and trust one another.

[novaseeker]

Very true, that's why when I wrote my post I tried to choose my words very carefully, tried not generalize or pigeon hole anything. I think I read my post over 3 times before I submited it. Don't want to cause trouble.

 

No, no, your post was wonderful. I was more interested in pointing out to guys who may not be like that they also ought to communicate their own limits so that they're not misunderstood by women.

[PocoDiablo]

what do we do when a guy says "i want to have sex with you?" what do we do when he says "you have a nice body?"

A real gentleman would never say that to you. Any man who says that is indicating that he is looking ONLY to get laid. That should be your number one red flag right there.

 

A real man understands that comments like that are crude, rude, and oppressive. I should be able to read a woman's actions to determine if she has a high enough interest level in me that she would enjoy being intimate. If I have to ASK her or TELL her I want sex, I have failed as a man. A boy - a child - asks like this. "Mom, that toy is cool, give it to me." A man says "Honey, you look fantastic" and alludes to her beauty. If she is interested, she can reply and initiate more. Then we flirt... that is the way of a better man. A true man understands that it is the womans choice to take it a step further and does not have to pressure her.

 

what do you do when you're making out and when do you put the brakes on?

Well, first, don't put yourself in a situation where it could go too far. How do you do this? Well, making out in the parking lot after dinner or drinks is fun, but is unlikely to lead to sex. I mean, where are you going to do it? In the car is tricky at best! Let the situation put the brakes on. I use the ever convenient "I have to work early tomorrow" as needed. But lemme tell you, if I am really interested, 2 hours of sleep is all I need so I will spend the night!

 

how do you make sure to take it slow?

Keep your clothes on and your hands someplace appropriate. If he gets too touchy, back off and tell him "That's a tiny bit too much, Mister! Take it slow, okay?" Flirt, be friendly, but let him know your limits. And remember, no means no! Walk away from any man who cannot control himself.

 

how do you make sure that you enjoy yourself but dont give it away?

Sex is an experience, not always a prize. Remember, you should get something out of it, too. Well, at least, you should be sure you get at least one or two "experiences" before he gets "one" - if you know what I mean. If you are not reaching that peak, that high, then it's not really fun for a woman, is it, and THAT is being used.

 

and how do you make sure you dont have sex before getting commitment and a relationship?

Now that is the $64,000 question, isn't it? I think it all depends on getting to know the person first. Ask them lots of questions, check out their actions - their behavior - and judge them against your standards. Do you have chemisty?

 

Some times you just have to take a chance and give it a shot. If nothing comes from it, then you at the very least have learned what signals to look for next time. As the comedian George Carlin would say "of all

the things in the world, giving people an orgasm is hardly the worst thing"

 

how do you make sure of his intentions? and how do you know whether he is being honest about them?

As mentioned, actions speak louder than words. He may say he wants to be with you, but does he call you?

 

how do we set our sexual boundaries and stick very close to them? what rules should we make and stick to?

Simple. (Male perspective here) My rules are:

 

No guys

No first date sex

No blondes or redheads

All handcuffs must be fur lined

etc.

 

Make your list as you see fit.

 

Seriously, boundries? Just don't do anything you don't want to do!

 

it gets harder and harder but as females it's especially important! how many females have been hurt, used, abused, and dumped after sex or sexual favors?

Lots I am sure. But did you LEARN what tricks these guys employed to use you? If you did not, then you will be used again. You have to LOOK for the signs and avoid them. It does not mean withholding sex, it means qualifying your men more thoroughly before getting involved, and that can be done in as few as 2-3 dates.

 

Either he's a great man or not. Don't settle for less!

[kellbell]

Thanks novaseeker. It's a very good topic and teacup posed some very good questions. I had to give them serious thought because I have been in a 4 year relationship so I had to "dig up" some old memories LOL.

 

RayKay, very good post girl! I really enjoy reading your POVs.

[Day_Walker]

Your sexual boundaries are something that you have to decide for yourself. If you arent comfortable becoming physical then sooner or later you are going to have to communicate that to the guy. For the sake of simplicity stating your boundaries in the beginning would help.

 

The truth is that in the general sense men do have simple needs and so do women but after that both sexes become more complex. If a man has skill with women then he can tell who is up for some meaningless sex and who doesnt. The problem comes with guys that believe they have some skill and pressure women to have sex with them. Now this is where the woman has the opportunity decide how she wants to deal with this guy and if she chooses to keep dealing with this situation then she knows the guys intentions. She should know what is going to happen if she lets it and if she doesnt show some kind of control then she will give into what the guy wants.

[Dating Coach]

Don't forget that a lot of women out there don't want to wait to have sex. If they don't want to wait then they shouldn't have to. It's their choice and it is not right that society paints such a negative image of woman who just want to have sex.

[sweetheart230]

I don't know, but I've noticed a change in men respecting my boundaries ever since I've started respecting myself more. Any guy who gives you problems with having sexual boundaries is a really big jerk and you should run as fast as you can in my opinion. If you just tell them you aren't comfortable going that far yet, then there shouldn't be a problem.

 

I've been hurt before, but its been because I've allowed it to happen. You should never go too far with someone just because you feel pressured into it. I don't think you should withhold sex just because you want respect, but you shouldn't have sex just because you want them to stick around, either.

[sweetheart230]

Don't forget that a lot of women out there don't want to wait to have sex. If they don't want to wait then they shouldn't have to. It's their choice and it is not right that society paints such a negative image of woman who just want to have sex.

 

Yeah, but unfortunately a lot of men don't want to date them seriously. Its not the case with all men, but among my male friends, and my friends boyfriends, it tends to be the case. There are lots of exceptions of course. If you're just really into each other and it happens, then sure it could develop into more.

 

If sex is all these women are interested in, then its fine. No woman should have to wait if she doesn't want to. But its kind of like men who treat us excessively well. Of course we'd all want a man who put us up on a pedastal and bought us anything we asked for. But we wouldn't have respect for a man who did this if he didn't ask for anything in return, even if it gave him pleasure to treat us that well.

[RayKay]

I also wanted to add....that if you respect yourself no matter WHAT your boundaries are...if you are FINE with having a one night stand, or having sex a day or a week into the relationship, or with waiting a year or until you are married then a man will not lose respect for you whatever it is as long as he is on the same page as you.

 

In my experience no matter when I had sex with a man, as long as I was confident of my choice and did it for MY reasons and communicated that and was on same page as the other person, it did not affect his respect for me.

 

If you do not respect yourself for your choices though, I think that carries over into the relationship and he won't respect you either - it is the same as the whole unless you love yourself, you can't expect love thing...I think it carries into if you can't respect yourself, you can't expect others to respect you either.