Finally starting NC from now on!

[selfi]

Hello

 

Some of you here may know that ive been broken up with my (former) boyfriend for over a month now and (against all advice) havent practised ANY form of NC. Ive been begging, crying and am close to bordering depression.

Well, no more because ive decided No COntact, starting tonight!

I had ONE LAST phone chat to the ex tonight, I told him that I wanted to initiate NC from now on, and that i wont call him anymore. He told me that he believes that this is a Very good thing, said he wont forget me and at the end of the talk told me that "this isnt goodbye". (dont care for what he means by that)

 

Thought id start this thread as I think it will help me (and others worried about the outcomes of NC) get through it all.

I DO want the satisfaction of him calling me, and I DO want the satisfaction of no longer needing to talk to somebody who no longer cares for me.

The relationship didnt brake down because I needed an attitude change or because we fought. He doesnt need to see that im a better person - he needs to miss me again, and there is nothing I want more than for him to return thereforeeee NC is the way to go.

 

Enotalone, you guys have taught me so much so far, and now im finally prepared to do this!

 

btw: quick question; the ex said our 'terms' of NC are that I should wait for him to call me first, and that contact via SMS and instant messaging are fine. But it isnt is it? Ideally its best to temporarily cut all communications (?)

[Dregnought]

Thats good, Add me if you feel like you need to talk to him again, or just add me for the fun of it lol, its in my sig.

Ideally, its best to just ignore every forum of communication from him.

Forever.

[selfi]

Thats good, Add me if you feel like you need to talk to him again, or just add me for the fun of it lol, its in my sig.

Ideally, its best to just ignore every forum of communication from him.

Forever.

 

 

forever? i dont think so

[selfi]

I didnt want to go to work today (terrible job -im unhappy there) and the just the thought of not finishing work and having the usual 'after work SMS' from him just put me in the mood that theres no point.

But i did, and its been nearly 24 hours of NC.

Last night I didnt sleep properly, and woke up at 5.30 in the morning because this NC thing is making me very scared.

*sigh* just dont want to get weak, and try and communicate with him tonight.

...so is the first night the hardest? I know we havent been together for about 5 weeks, but is it going to be even more strenuous not hearing from him all day and night?

 

***LITTLE UPDATE*

Ya know how I mentioned about those 'after work' text messages he used to send me? Well he just sent me one now! It read: "Rah (

What do I do now? Im freaking out! Why did he make a point of NC last night only to brake it again?

[Hawk]

Because he is feeling bad about breaking up with you, and he is playing emotional blackmail with your heart.

 

It's not fair and shouldn't be done.

[selfi]

Because he is feeling bad about breaking up with you, and he is playing emotional blackmail with your heart.

 

It's not fair and shouldn't be done.

 

 

what is emotional blackmail?

[Lenny70]

you need time to heal and you have told him that selfi, the whole point of n/c is to make you stronger emotionally..theres happens to be a spin off bonus that dumper starts to miss you, and may contact you again, but for him to txt you the following night ,is in my book inconsiderate of how your feeling..and a way for him to tug on your heartstrings and see how weak you are...

[coooolsome]

Yeah, just ignore his text. He misses you and is trying to ease his own guilt. Just leave it be. Be grateful in the knowledge that he does care about you otherwise you would never hear from him again.

[selfi]

Last night he instant messaged me and we chatted online for about 15 minutes. i managed to stay pretty neutral in the conversation for the first time ever. (even though it was an online convo, this is still a big deal to me!)

in summary it consisted of the following;

-he starts off asking me if i got his text msg the nite before

- he emails me a picture of him when he was a kid, as he thought "i would like it"

- he asks me what he should buy when he goes clothes shopping next

- talks about whats on TV and what he did during the day

- wishes me goodnight

 

technically some would say this is a breach of NC. i dunno.

Yet, im going to try my hardest to not allow this form of communication from now on. because at the end of it i honestly come out thinking that all his affectionate gestures just mean he's gonna come back, and it is screwing with my head

Its not fair.

[redandblack]

Sounds like he just needed someone to listen to him. If you're gonna do NC, don't give him the pleasure of getting the things he used to get when you were dating (an unconditionally open ear, your time, your caring, etc).

 

If you're going to do NC, do it all the way. In my opinion, the first few weeks of NC are the most crucial. Keep contact as minimal as possible. Don't respond to his texts, but don't 'block' him either (that's childish). Don't respond to any email or anything else. Give YOURSELF time to heal and become a stronger person before you decide to allow him to communicate with you (still don't contact him, let him do the work).

 

I don't know if you're planning on being friends with him later, but if you are, don't allow yourself to think "okay, I'm ready to talk with him as friends now". When that stage comes, you probably won't even want to become friends with him anymore.

 

Take care of yourself!

[selfi]

thx redandblack,

no, im certain that unless he makes the move to get back together before the end of the year, i can in no way be his friend as my feelings are otherwise. im not going to block him (even though he has done this to me, then unblocks me, then blocks me again )

 

i love him so much still, and im at a stage where right now, i go about day to day thinking he is going to come back again.

[LiquidCherry]

selfi, what your ex is doing really is unfair. You need and want the chance to heal and he's being selfish and like someone else said, tugging on your heart strings. My ex did the same thing and it got to a point where I became resentful of him. So I IGNORED all those little comments he made. I didn't ask him what he meant or what he was doing or why he was saying things like that and I did't respond in kind. I didn't have NC with him either but it was definently less contact. I let him come to me and only spoke to him in response. Don't let this guy play games with you.

[selfi]

selfi, what your ex is doing really is unfair. You need and want the chance to heal and he's being selfish and like someone else said, tugging on your heart strings. My ex did the same thing and it got to a point where I became resentful of him. So I IGNORED all those little comments he made. I didn't ask him what he meant or what he was doing or why he was saying things like that and I did't respond in kind. I didn't have NC with him either but it was definently less contact. I let him come to me and only spoke to him in response. Don't let this guy play games with you.

 

you're right! Liquidcherry, was ur Ex aware that he was playing games with you? When did he stop doing this?

I dont want to resent him thats for sure, but in my heart i know that i will if these gestures dont end up amounting to anything.

 

Tonight is the very first night of 100% NC - theres been no texting or anything. Turns out its not as hard as I thought!

Im starting to think that I have been through my worst emotions already - I mean today I only cried once and it wasnt even for that long!

 

Im off to bed!

 

p.s thx everybody, i rushed to the computer as soon as i got home, i really look forward to all the advice and encouragement. xoxo

[Dogg]

I have been total and complete NC with my ex since she broke up with me two weeks ago. This is by far the longest that we have ever gone not talking or seeing each other. we were together for three years. I really thought that she was gpoign to call or do somehting, but she has not, and I 'm getting scared that this NC is just mak9ing things a lot easier for her to forget me and us all together. I have been considering doing SOMETHING to contact her but I'm not sure if that is a good idea or what to do

[redandblack]

The fear of being forgotten is always there in the beginning. However, you need to remember the real reasons for NC. Primarily, NC is used to heal YOURSELF. Each time you talk to that person, a lot of emotions will come back and it will be painful. What I did was delete my ex and her best friend off my messenger list, erase her email address of my contacts list and got some pictures and things she gave me out of sight for now. Out of signt out of mind it's a lie.

 

It sounds like you are realizing that no contact is what you make it. If you spend that time doing fun things and concentrating on yourself, then it won't be absolutely intolerable. If you spend your time waiting up by the telephone, like a dog for a bone, it's going to be very hard on you.

 

I am to the point where I almost do not care if my ex calls, IMs or emails me anymore. She dumped me and she is going to miss out. The NC and break up has made me a much better person and she will probably never see this. I do not believe in "soulmates". I think there are multiple number of people who are for you. You usually only find one or two due to the face that we live in an endogamous society.

 

Sorry, I went sideways. No contact is what you make it. I think it is better to move on because you'll be a happier person as a result. Also, if you even want to get back with your ex, you will have a better chance at doing so because you'll be more lively, energetic and like you were pre-meeting your partner.

 

Take care

[selfi]

I have been total and complete NC with my ex since she broke up with me two weeks ago. This is by far the longest that we have ever gone not talking or seeing each other. we were together for three years. I really thought that she was gpoign to call or do somehting, but she has not, and I 'm getting scared that this NC is just mak9ing things a lot easier for her to forget me and us all together. I have been considering doing SOMETHING to contact her but I'm not sure if that is a good idea or what to do

 

It depends on how she broke up with you in the first place i guess.

To me its a little strange that she hasnt called or anything for 2 weeks, I imagine it must be incredibly worrying for you.

I suggest giving her a very brief call - ask how she is, sound happy, then just end the convsersation after 5 minutes or so if you feel she doesnt really want to talk, use your judgement.

[selfi]

I personally have been re-assured by my ex, that he wont forget me, will call soon, wants to see me etc etc, so in a way i consider myself lucky as I know some of the answers to questions alot of you dont.

However, again, at the end of the day, he's not with me right now, so nothing really means anything i spose

 

Im really hoping that I do hear from him today though (predicatably), otherwise im doing okay today.

[LiquidCherry]

you're right! Liquidcherry, was ur Ex aware that he was playing games with you? When did he stop doing this?

I dont want to resent him thats for sure, but in my heart i know that i will if these gestures dont end up amounting to anything.

 

Tonight is the very first night of 100% NC - theres been no texting or anything. Turns out its not as hard as I thought!

Im starting to think that I have been through my worst emotions already - I mean today I only cried once and it wasnt even for that long!

 

Im off to bed!

 

p.s thx everybody, i rushed to the computer as soon as i got home, i really look forward to all the advice and encouragement. xoxo

 

I think my ex was aware of what he was doing and how it was affecting me. We were together for almost a year before we broke up so he knew what to say and how to say it, just enough to mess with my head. He actually kept this up right up until the point he asked for me back. I think maybe he thought he had better because I wasn't letting his little comments get to me. I was actually mean to him on several occasions because of the things he was saying. He told me when we got back together that he is flirty in nature, which is true, and his words actually didn't mean anything until he asked for me back. I think it was either one of two (or three) things.. He was either testing the waters, trying to figure out just how much he could get away with or leading me on by giving me just enough to hang on to so that I'd be there when he was ready. Either way, it was cruel and immature and made things harder for me during our split. In fact, I almost didn't take him back.

 

Good luck with your NC. Even though I only installed LC it still served the same purpose and it did help me move on. It gave me the chance to think without being blinded by love and seriously re-evaluate our relationship. In fact, I'm not sure what's going to happen between my ex-now-boyfriend and I. I'm very apprehensive, verrry, and I'm scared to open myself up to him again. At least I know now though that I don't need him and I can get a long just fine without him. It was a valuble lesson to learn.

 

Don't hope to hear from your ex. Trust me, you'll be setting yourself up to even more pain and disappointment. Hope to hear from him and you'll feel rejected all over again if you do not. It is better to expect nothing from him and take this time for yourself.

[selfi]

wow! he told that his words didnt mean anything? okay then...

 

im glad to hear that you're back with him- you said u r scared to open up with him, but what is he like with you? very lovey dovey? or equally as reserved?

[LiquidCherry]

Well, he didn't exactly say his words didn't mean anything. What he actually said was, "You know I'm a flirt so you can't take everything I say when I flirt seriously." He knew how angry I was at him for some of the things he said to me during our split and was trying to appease me.. Besides his lame excuse he did apologize but still, how do you break someone's heart and lead them on like that? I myself have broken two hearts and I never ever put someone through more pain than I had to. Of course technically he wasn't leading me on because we are back together..

 

How does my ex-now-boyfriend act around me? Well, we got back together on Monday night and I've seen him twice since then. I used to stay at his apartment a lot but I've decided I no longer want to do that since we were basically living together. He works the greaveyard shift and I'm a full time student so we don't have a lot of common hours to spend together. I'm looking forward to this weekend to see how things go. He's always had a hard time expressing his emotions in a non joking way but he has been doing little things.. Like wanting to sit thisclose to me, his eye contact has improved and his voice has softened. He's called me too. Trust me, they are all improvements. Neither one of us has said I love you again which I'm greatful for. I'm not ready to hear it or say it. I guess we're taking things slowly. It would be so easy to jump back into our routine but if we did that it would never last.

[selfi]

its been day 2 of NC! hmmm

im predicting he will contact me tomro or i willl be quite surprised (and sad)

i am keeping busy so i dont have time to dwell, however now that im going to bed i know ill think about him again and wake up during the night coz i keep having dreams about him that upset me. its annoying coz i keep trying to train myself not to, but i havent gone one night wthout dreaming of the ex >

[LiquidCherry]

Selfi, don't expect or predict for him to contact you. With NC you should expect NC. You are doing this for you, aren't you, and not because you hope to hear from him, right? I just don't want to see you setting yourself up for more dissappointment. I know exactly what you mean about having a hard time sleeping. I had dreams all the time and I would wake up confused and depressed. One time I even woke up kissing my pillow...

Time gets easier as it goes on.

[selfi]

ultimately i am doing this for me, of course.

but at the same time i must admit that the desired results of NC; the need to get my own emotional health back is equally as strong as the want to get him to miss me more.

i know this is setting myself up for disappointment, it makes me feel like c.rap, but id be lying if i said otherwise.

 

[SuperDave71]

Hmmmm,

 

I have heard something about this thing called "NC". I hear it really works wonders.

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[selfi]

thanks SuperDave - as you comment on each each thread you do, its like you sprinkle a bit of fairy dust along ur way