Caught husband watching porn, he yells at me. Advice?

[techmama]

Sorry this is very long.

 

Married for 3 years, a 2-year-old in the house, I have a decent relationship with my husband. By decent I mean we have every couple's ups and downs, but I feel we could both benefit from talking a little more. I'n open to (and I have suggested) marriage counselling, he vehemently rejects the idea, as "we don't need it."

 

After a great start, our sex life became a little slow following our child's birth, but both agreed that we'd work on it. Husband is self-employed (I work full time) and often works late at night, so we never quite got back to where we started. I anyway managed to get pregnant again, and I am currently in my 7th month. As opposed to my previous pregnancy, this has been difficult (high-risk) from the start and I have been on pelvic rest since early on. It got so bad that the doctor advised my to even avoid masturbation, because of my preterm labor. By the way, I always knew my husband masturbated and he knew I did, and neither of us had any problem with it.

 

But. Yesterday I took the little one to the park (hubby needed to work), and we stopped to grab lunch; on the way home she fell asleep and, after putting her in her bed, I went to our converted garage to give husband his lunch that I had picked up for him. I never, ever knock and he never asked me to.

I opened the door and he started yelling at me "Go away! Go away!". He was frantic. He was hunched over (hand in his pants) and I had a clear view of the monitor, and the porn he was watching. He kept yelling, so I just closed the door and went into the house.

 

After a few minutes husband came in and told me that he wanted to talk to me, that he was embarrassed but he had his urges, and we hadn't had sex in such a long time... I confess that I was so upset by the whole thing, that I was just able to tell him that I wasn't interested in listening and that I had nothing to tell him, to just leave me alone. Since then, I can barely look at him and I won't talk to him, because I don't know what to say.

 

Allow me to explain, I don't particularly enjoy porn, but I haven't watched more than two or three movies ages ago. If itthe sex represented is between consenting adults, I have no moral objection to porn, and I will even go as far as saying that I understand people need visual stimuli more than others. As far as I am concerned, erotic novels or fantasies are a greater turn-on than moveis, but that's personal preference.

 

In short, I don't have a problem with porn per se, but I do have a problem with husband's attitude. I understand his embarrassment, but it's not like I've never seen (caught) him masturbating; I did not know he watched porn, and that troubles me a bit, because I feel like he's hiding that part of his sexual life from me. I mean, this is the guy who told me not to buy a vibrator (I've never tried one and I was curious) because he felt threatened by it (former girlfriend was apparently hooked...); how am I supposed not to feel threatened by him getting off watching some dude he can identify with, humping a tanned bimbo?

 

I could have shrugged it off, I guess, if he had "involved" me in some way... if he had told me, or if, when caught, he'd been light-hearted about it. If he'd said something like "See what I have to do since I can't have you?" I don't know... I guess it's hard to feel sexy and desired when one looks like she has swallowed a basketball and has an "upper deck" the size of Kansas. And right now it's really hard not to feel like I'm left out from his life at all.

 

Does anybody have words of wisdom for me?

 

Thank you,

techmama

 

 

 

 

 

 

p.s. -- on a selfish note, I'm also furious because, being the tech savy person in the house, I'm the one cleaning viruses from his computer... I guess now I know why.

[Day_Walker]

I think you need to start with communicating more with your partner. He has some issues that are adding to your dispare but you both need to talk about them in a constructive way.

[Dannysgirl]

Just because your husband can't have penetrative sex with you, this does not mean that you can't satisfy him in other ways for example oral sex, or by masturbating him - have you suggested these ways of giving him some relief?

 

I know it sems unfair when you can't get any sexual satisfaction yourself at the moment but its better than catching him jacking off to porn.

 

I think that day walker is right though you really need to sit down with your husband and tell him how this made you feel and also listen to what he has to say on the subject.

[techmama]

Just to clarify, We can't even have non-penetrative sex (nice definition, btw) because I do get turned on and me performing oral sex on him has triggered contractions. Talk about appreciating one's partner, eh?

At my last doc's appointment, I asked the dr (with hubby present) when she thought we could resume intimacy and she said we could review the situation in two weeks... so he does know that it's an important issue for me.

 

But you both are right, we should talk more. And that's my main concern... he gets very defensive and tends to become offensive, so I clam up. That's why the idea of a neutral ground, like a counsellor's office, sounds so appealing to me; he'd have to exercise the restraint he doesn't display at home.

 

Also, does anybody have an explanation as to the reason for yelling?

 

Perhaps, I should email him the link to this post...

[Dannysgirl]

Hmmm you're in quite a pickle!

 

If you're unable to give him any relief yourself then he is clearly sexually frustrated (as are you) and needs to watch porn as a release, which is okay considering the circumtances and that men are very visual, but I can quite understand that you're upset as it makes you feel undesirable and unwanted.

 

However he does need to try to understand your feeling regarding this and perhaps be more open about it with you, was porn ever an issue before this pregnancy?

[techmama]

However he does need to try to understand your feeling regarding this and perhaps be more open about it with you, was porn ever an issue before this pregnancy?

 

That's the thing. Porn was never an issue, and the only one or two times we talked about it, he said it bored him (or some such thing.)

 

And now I'm starting to wonder if he's been watching porn all along and I never knew it. I don't mean to sound like the porn police, but I think it's one of those areas that are problematic when kept a dark secret.

[miracle29]

I know this is going to sound crazy, but for now, you only have two more months right? I would allow him to do it. Better porn then a person. Let him do it and then when you have the baby, and heal, you throw it on him. That is the only thing I can suggest. In fact if you tell him, "go for it" it may even take the thrill out of it for him. I know this is not easy, because you feel like he needs that and not you, but I am telling you now, you'd rather him please himself then to cheat on you with some floosey. He will never meet the girls or people on the porn site and once you have the baby, you two can go back to being the naughty couple you once were. If you don't make a big deal out of this, for some strange reason men all of a sudden lose the urge to do it. Its like reverse psycology. Honestly I could care less if my husband watches porn as long as HE IS NOT addicted to it. And he is not. He actually got mad at me for watching one a while back and threw the tape out. LOL, I didnt feel anything for those people on the tape, it was just me wanting to release some stress. He was at work, i was home alone and just like men have needs so do us women. I watched the tape and then I tried to rewind the tape so he wouldnt know i had watched it because I knew he would investigate it, but oh..he is too smart. I was busted and the tape is now, gone with the wind. Truth is, if he would have just said "well have fun you little freak" i would have probably lost interest. Does this make sense. But he blew it out of proportion and so it made me want to sneak and watch it.

 

I am a very sexual person and I'd like to watch things like that with my husband. Lately he and I have not had the chance to see one but sometimes Pornos are really stimulating to the two people involved. He gets turned on, i'm turned on and we please eachother. Once in a while is actually not a big deal. Only when the porn becomes an obsession is there a need to say "ok, wait a minute buddy, something has to give". But once in a blue moon, I dont' see the harm in it.

 

I have even made a huge joke about my husbands little routines of sneaking off into the shower to pleasure himself. I will sneak behind him and watch him do it and after he's done I'll scream "AH HA, you and your hands again huh, well so thats how its gonna be" and he thinks its so funny. He just starts laughing and I do too.

 

See i didn't blow it out of hand or make him feel dirty or nasty because he's a freak and wants to play with himself. MOST MEN, will do this from time to time, because they say they know just how to stroke themselves and so I don't care that he does it. I do it too and he finds out and we just joke about it.

Sometimes humor can make you feel so much better about things then if you get emotional and go off .

 

 

 

Now as far as him yelling. I think he as probably in the midst of climax and you busted him right at the peek so hefreaked out and it ruined his fun. LOL, thats actually funny to me and if you think about it, you should start laughing. Could you imagine, being in the midst of your good time and he busted you? How embarrassing. Thats like your Father or Mother walking in on you. Yikes. I think you should tell him, "I don't like the fact that i have not been able to please you like I'd like, but I'd rather you play with yourself then for you to play with another person...so if you must do this, thats fine but just make sure you dont' become obsessed with this" I think that will make him open up to you more and you will feel better knowing that he's playing with his hands and not "Susan" the baby sitter.

 

I hope this helped.

[Shadows Light]

Hmmmm...well. I'd say he yelled because he was embarrassed to be caught masterbating. It was a private moment. The porn...??? I don't feel the porn is a problem per se as long as it doesn't take the place of me. As long as my sig other isn't using it as foreplay (all the time)... or uses it to get off more than spending time with me. Everything in moderation I guess... and then.. I do have an objection to certain types of porn. IE.. GAY PORN.. you'd have really freaked had you found something like this on his computer. Like I DID... so count your blessings.

 

I was going to suggest oral.. but LOL... you beat me to it. Yep.. if you get to excited giving it.. then .. well... you can't. So whats he going to do????

 

Would it make you feel better to know that there are PORN Magazines and Tapes available in UROLOGISTS OFFICES.. when a man has to give a SPERM sample on demand at the office..sometimes they need ...ummmm help to make it work. Seriously.

 

I'd say the both of you need to talk. And let him know how you feel. Don't be too accusing. The both of you are caught in a catch 22 situation.

 

BTW... Problems in the sack are a typical thing right after child birth. You get so burned out from keeping everything else on an even keel that often intimacy takes the back burner. This is when YOU"VE gotta talk about it... get a babysitter and just go out on a date. Go get a hotel room or something. Plan on it.. once this second baby is born and you are able to make wooopeee again. Learn to give yourselves a break..and plan on it. It'll give you both something to look forward to. Going from being a Couple to being Parents... is a tough exchenge. But you'll eventually figure it out.

 

And yes.. MEN.. usually are the ones who refuse to go to counseling. WHY??? I don't know. Could be that we are more comfortable about it because as women.. we always bounce our ideas off of other people. Guys.. they don't. They problem solve on thier own... or think that to be a MAN they should be able to problem solve on their own...shhhheeeeshh.

 

Don't know what to tell you here. Except when I've seen couples finally get into marriage counseling... when they are too far gone with resentment for it to do them any good. So..... for what thats worth.

 

Why don't you go on your own???? May help you learn new skills yourself in coping and dealing with issues that crop up. How to faciliate a conversation without BLOWING UP.

 

Letter writing. Letter writing helps a lot. Because its a way to say it... or say something that you know may sting.. and they'll quickly cool off. Read it again.. and maybe have a chance to think about it. AT some point though.. you'll have to SIT face to face and have a discussion. That is inevitable.

 

and.. umm... no. I wouldn't give him a link to this site. No 1 you may tick him off. No2... he'll get pared out by it and you won't have a place to VENT.. cause he'll constantly be checking it. uhh uhh.. not a good idea.

[Dannysgirl]

]

 

That's the thing. Porn was never an issue, and the only one or two times we talked about it, he said it bored him (or some such thing.)

 

And now I'm starting to wonder if he's been watching porn all along and I never knew it. I don't mean to sound like the porn police, but I think it's one of those areas that are problematic when kept a dark secret.

 

Is there any evidence to suggest that he was lying and doing it in secret before? If not I wouldn't get too paranoid just because you've caught him at it now. How was your sex life before the pregnancy? When you talk to him about it I would liken the vibrator situation to this and tell him his secrecy about it made you feel threatened - how would he have felt if he came home and caught you using a vibrator?

 

 

I think it might be a god idea if you emailed this thread to him that way he will no exactly how you feel, its often difficult to verbalise your feeling especially if things get heated.

[Dannysgirl]

whoops!

[Dannysgirl]

I agree with miracle, if you kick up too much of a fuss about it he might end up going elsewhere and I think the thought of him watching porn is preferable to the thought of him acting out his fantasies with another woman. I would still talk to him about it though and tell him that his lack of open-ness about it made you feel uncomfortable.

 

I think you still need to work on your communication issues though and perhaps convince him to talk to a counsellor.

[techmama]

I am so glad I found this site -- you are starting to make me see the light.

 

It is indeed funny when I think back at what I saw; the grown man I love, caught red-handed in front of the computer. It made me think of that scene in American Pie when the boy has sex with... well, the pie!

 

I think I will wait until hubby goes to get the little one from daycare and then I'll sneak out and buy him a video or a magazine, and will probably put it next to his dinner plate with a note that says something along the lines of me not wanting to have to "disinfect his computer" every time he needs relief.

 

I hope being light about this issue will indeed help me start a frank discussion about our relationship and some of our hangups. And if he gets too defensive, I'm so buying that vibrator.....

 

I'll keep you updated as to what happens tonight -- in the meantime, thanks for the advice. And if you have more, keep it coming.

[darkblue]

And if he gets too defensive, I'm so buying that vibrator.

 

LOL - can't blame you.

 

Let us know how it goes.

[Shadows Light]

Techmama... GOOD IDEA...lol.. I like it. And yeah.. now that I recall that scene in American PIE.. I can imagine.. being caught right before blast off would make anyone FREAK!!!!!.. lol... poor thing.

 

BTW... Take Hubby with you to the toy store.. LOL. There are TONZ of new toys I bet he's never ever seen. Its a nice way to spark the flames on that sex life... AFTER you've had this baby!!! lol.

[miracle29]

I have a feeling that he will indeed be much happier then he will not only open up, but may show you some appreciation for you making this type of comprimise. It shows strength and i think the fact that you make a joke out of it will help him not feel dirty or like he's a nasty person because he's a little horny and goes to his trusty five for help.

 

If more men turned to the trusty five, I think about 40% of the infidelity forum would be non-existant.

[babycristy456]

I would say he just felt like mega embarrassed. People react differently every time. Maybe in the past he did not care but this time maybe he was probably all into it and your interruption drew him out of his imagination and freaked him out. I wouldn't take it too seriously.

[ratherbesailing]

Sorry, but it is normal male behavior, both to induldge and to be embarrased being caught. Just ask him nicely not to yell at you next time. He probably thought you had your daughter with you when you walked in which really made him panic.

[sparticuss]

Ok then. Time to take stock amid all this self righteousness.

- Has he ever beaten you or the kids up badly enough to require medical assistance

- Has he ever blown the pay cheque gambling or on drugs

- Has he ever been bed hopping behind your back.

 

Does a little porn suddenly seem so incredibly petty.

 

And also.

- How many married women, on this board, have engaged in mutual groping, or even mutual mastur/n on the dance floor, and then had the nerve to call that , "just flirting darling . It means nothing".

 

Nothing brings up the double standards like putting a sexual slant on it.

[sparticuss]

I have a feeling that he will indeed be much happier then he will not only open up, but may show you some appreciation for you making this type of comprimise. It shows strength and i think the fact that you make a joke out of it will help him not feel dirty or like he's a nasty person because he's a little horny and goes to his trusty five for help.

 

If more men turned to the trusty five, I think about 40% of the infidelity forum would be non-existant.

 

Actually miricale. If you can find the true reason that people stray you will make a fortune. Theres no real reason or pattern. People who have it all stray on to a new partner who trreats them like dirt.

Other poeple, stick to rotten relatinships when nobody would blame them if they strayed.

[sallyusa]

I've had the same exact issue with my own husband. Our sex life has lessend but he rather watch porn and to give himself a good time than to do anything with me. So i knew before he was watching porno and it didnt surprise me. But i also became irriated as to everytime i ask for some he would say i'm tierd or come up with different excuses as not to do anything with me. Everytime i would want to put a dvd to watch i would find his porno lying around the apartment. And our relationship had became sour. We've talked about it and became a concern for me as to why he rather watch porno then to do anything with me. Ever sense that time our marriage had its downs and never asked for anything more. Cuz, i didnt want to hear the same answers over and over again. So i just dropped it.

[Donster]

This is quite a common occurrance, where for one partner (typically the guy), porn is no big deal, and for the other partner (typically the woman in a hetero relationship), porn is tantamount to infidelity.

 

In this particular situation, it sounds like it is not the porn itself that bothers the OP, but rather the husband's reaction to being interrupted (possibly mid or close to orgasm? That could explain his embarrassment), and the fact that the husband may have been hiding his porn from the OP.

 

The good thing is that you two have talked about it (the fact that you are in a high risk pregnancy and cannot be intimate), and have addressed it as an issue, and have brought up the issue with a professional in an effort to find a fix. In my opinion, the porn is a good temporary fix...however, if it becomes obsessive, or if he begins to prefer porn over you (once you are able to become intimate again), then you have a major issue on your hands.

 

With respects to the issue about the vibrator--if the porn, or the hiding of porn is that big of an issue in your mind, then you should let your husband know that it is threatening to you, in the same way that the vibrator is threatening to him. In that way, he can better relate to your concerns. The vindictive thing would be, as one other poster suggested, to just go out and buy one for yourself. But that doesn't really involve any teamwork to resolve a joint issue that is affecting you as a couple, and that type of vindictive behavior doesnt really help anything in the long run, and can serve to further split you apart.

 

Anyways, good luck with your issue. Communication is key!

[Nkaleidoscopic]

Haven't read all the posts, so sorry if this has been mentioned, but I would sit down and tell him its okay to watch porn and just to do it while the little one isn't around.

 

The yelling - probably just insecurity or something similar, no married guy wants to be jacking off to porn like a college student. This is the guy that got insecure by a vibrator, right?

 

Tell him it's okay to watch it and you'll make it up to him after the birth and recovery.

[crosstownTraffic]

Agree with last poster and this must be tough on both of you two, I might add. You cannot even get yourself off cuz of the hig-risk pregnancy and you are not allowed to get him off either.

 

A very catch-22 situation. I think he yelled cuz you just caught him unawares.. it was just awkward.. I would prefer my SO didnt' look at porn either, but if he couldn't have me, then it's not that unnatural he's using it as a release since the two of you cannot have sex.. How long have it's been, since it was safe for you both to have sex together.

I can imagine you are both going crazy... arrange to have a nice long weekend somewhere after baby is born and you're ready to have sex again...

Make it something for you and him to look forward to....

[Car Chick]

Dump him. Porn is cheating.

[babii doll]

Dump him. Porn is cheating.

 

maybe to you it is.