Sorry this is very long.
Married for 3 years, a 2-year-old in the house, I have a decent relationship with my husband. By decent I mean we have every couple's ups and downs, but I feel we could both benefit from talking a little more. I'n open to (and I have suggested) marriage counselling, he vehemently rejects the idea, as "we don't need it."
After a great start, our sex life became a little slow following our child's birth, but both agreed that we'd work on it. Husband is self-employed (I work full time) and often works late at night, so we never quite got back to where we started. I anyway managed to get pregnant again, and I am currently in my 7th month. As opposed to my previous pregnancy, this has been difficult (high-risk) from the start and I have been on pelvic rest since early on. It got so bad that the doctor advised my to even avoid masturbation, because of my preterm labor. By the way, I always knew my husband masturbated and he knew I did, and neither of us had any problem with it.
But. Yesterday I took the little one to the park (hubby needed to work), and we stopped to grab lunch; on the way home she fell asleep and, after putting her in her bed, I went to our converted garage to give husband his lunch that I had picked up for him. I never, ever knock and he never asked me to.
I opened the door and he started yelling at me "Go away! Go away!". He was frantic. He was hunched over (hand in his pants) and I had a clear view of the monitor, and the porn he was watching. He kept yelling, so I just closed the door and went into the house.
After a few minutes husband came in and told me that he wanted to talk to me, that he was embarrassed but he had his urges, and we hadn't had sex in such a long time... I confess that I was so upset by the whole thing, that I was just able to tell him that I wasn't interested in listening and that I had nothing to tell him, to just leave me alone. Since then, I can barely look at him and I won't talk to him, because I don't know what to say.
Allow me to explain, I don't particularly enjoy porn, but I haven't watched more than two or three movies ages ago. If itthe sex represented is between consenting adults, I have no moral objection to porn, and I will even go as far as saying that I understand people need visual stimuli more than others. As far as I am concerned, erotic novels or fantasies are a greater turn-on than moveis, but that's personal preference.
In short, I don't have a problem with porn per se, but I do have a problem with husband's attitude. I understand his embarrassment, but it's not like I've never seen (caught) him masturbating; I did not know he watched porn, and that troubles me a bit, because I feel like he's hiding that part of his sexual life from me. I mean, this is the guy who told me not to buy a vibrator (I've never tried one and I was curious) because he felt threatened by it (former girlfriend was apparently hooked...); how am I supposed not to feel threatened by him getting off watching some dude he can identify with, humping a tanned bimbo?
I could have shrugged it off, I guess, if he had "involved" me in some way... if he had told me, or if, when caught, he'd been light-hearted about it. If he'd said something like "See what I have to do since I can't have you?" I don't know... I guess it's hard to feel sexy and desired when one looks like she has swallowed a basketball and has an "upper deck" the size of Kansas. And right now it's really hard not to feel like I'm left out from his life at all.
Does anybody have words of wisdom for me?
Thank you,
techmama
p.s. -- on a selfish note, I'm also furious because, being the tech savy person in the house, I'm the one cleaning viruses from his computer... I guess now I know why.